Over the last few weeks, further health problems have been put at the top of my to do list since I have insurance till the end of July. Some of the results at the doctor's office haven't been good news at all, including somewhat mortal consequences type of results, and it brings in to question if I want parents in on what is going on. Then that makes me go back further, and think of all the harm and fucked up programming I've had to struggle with my whole life because of said parents. Then that makes me go even further back and wonder at how I have no real extended family to call upon, mostly due to my parents, and that my own image is atrocious to all those people on top of that because my parents have never EVER been honest about their home life.
All of this branching out in thought riles up the depression, repression, anger, sadness, hopelessness, useleness, and worthlessness that comes with the trials and tribulations of overcoming one's baggage from such horrible experiences growing up. It makes me want to publicly lash out where everyone in the family and friendships can see, and somehow I clear my name. All my accusations would easily be backed up with all the court papers I have verifying anything I might put out there. Everyone in my family distances me due to a lot of what my parents claimed about me growing up and my disaster of a life over the last 15 years I've been on my own.
I just think if people knew the truth, MAYBE they would think,"Well THAT explains a lot." And maybe cut me some slack on their views of me. I've never been in to drugs. I've never been in any real trouble except for the anger issue which I've pretty much dealt with over the last 6 years. Maybe with all this out there, maybe I could get real family back.
I realize this is a very REAL improbability. President Obama could come out tomorrow that he had a gun held to his head on all those spending plans he signed, but it still wouldn't change my complete opinion of him.
Yes, I have had many ask why I haven't outed my parents yet. Unlike them, I want to be the bigger person and let them preserve what tiny bit of dignity they have in this life. I've lost all of mine. Nothing can be taken from me anymore; that is the point I am at emotionally. I'm useless, pretty much worthless material wise, relationship wise I'm about worthless now too after all the drama in it from my baggage and picking bad people to love. I would love to have a pristine image and be credited a bit as a somebody. And I hate to let ANYONE feel like I do.
Now, before I get the outpouring of "therapy" and "medication" recommendations, please understand I have been there and done that and I really am at a point of just despising even being alive. I know I am nowhere near my potential in life, and that is because of how much my family and later even me, managed to hobble myself before even getting a real start. I can't even begin to work on goals important to me until I am near my mid 50's, top that with cancerous plumbing issues, and you know what? I am just so fucking done.
My partner asked me the other day why I hadn't gone to the doctor sooner, if it was just the pain that made me go. And I bluntly stated that since I'm in a relationship with him and have the kids, I would get treatment. If I didn't have any of the above, I wouldn't bother at all and just die already.
I am so sick of being so pissed off, and I know my flaying my parents verbally in front of all their friends and family probably won't make a difference. Their church friends will make excuses, and my family will still be unassociated. So, I guess it would be a pathetic poor me rant if I bothered to publish it all wouldn't it?