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I Want To Put It All Out There To Clear My Image...


TheBluegrassSkeptic

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blog-0949795001335205437.jpgOver the last few weeks, further health problems have been put at the top of my to do list since I have insurance till the end of July. Some of the results at the doctor's office haven't been good news at all, including somewhat mortal consequences type of results, and it brings in to question if I want parents in on what is going on. Then that makes me go back further, and think of all the harm and fucked up programming I've had to struggle with my whole life because of said parents. Then that makes me go even further back and wonder at how I have no real extended family to call upon, mostly due to my parents, and that my own image is atrocious to all those people on top of that because my parents have never EVER been honest about their home life.

 

All of this branching out in thought riles up the depression, repression, anger, sadness, hopelessness, useleness, and worthlessness that comes with the trials and tribulations of overcoming one's baggage from such horrible experiences growing up. It makes me want to publicly lash out where everyone in the family and friendships can see, and somehow I clear my name. All my accusations would easily be backed up with all the court papers I have verifying anything I might put out there. Everyone in my family distances me due to a lot of what my parents claimed about me growing up and my disaster of a life over the last 15 years I've been on my own.

 

I just think if people knew the truth, MAYBE they would think,"Well THAT explains a lot." And maybe cut me some slack on their views of me. I've never been in to drugs. I've never been in any real trouble except for the anger issue which I've pretty much dealt with over the last 6 years. Maybe with all this out there, maybe I could get real family back.

 

I realize this is a very REAL improbability. President Obama could come out tomorrow that he had a gun held to his head on all those spending plans he signed, but it still wouldn't change my complete opinion of him.

 

Yes, I have had many ask why I haven't outed my parents yet. Unlike them, I want to be the bigger person and let them preserve what tiny bit of dignity they have in this life. I've lost all of mine. Nothing can be taken from me anymore; that is the point I am at emotionally. I'm useless, pretty much worthless material wise, relationship wise I'm about worthless now too after all the drama in it from my baggage and picking bad people to love. I would love to have a pristine image and be credited a bit as a somebody. And I hate to let ANYONE feel like I do.

 

Now, before I get the outpouring of "therapy" and "medication" recommendations, please understand I have been there and done that and I really am at a point of just despising even being alive. I know I am nowhere near my potential in life, and that is because of how much my family and later even me, managed to hobble myself before even getting a real start. I can't even begin to work on goals important to me until I am near my mid 50's, top that with cancerous plumbing issues, and you know what? I am just so fucking done.

 

My partner asked me the other day why I hadn't gone to the doctor sooner, if it was just the pain that made me go. And I bluntly stated that since I'm in a relationship with him and have the kids, I would get treatment. If I didn't have any of the above, I wouldn't bother at all and just die already.

 

I am so sick of being so pissed off, and I know my flaying my parents verbally in front of all their friends and family probably won't make a difference. Their church friends will make excuses, and my family will still be unassociated. So, I guess it would be a pathetic poor me rant if I bothered to publish it all wouldn't it?

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I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I don't really have answers for you - there really aren't words that can make this all go away for you. But what I will say is that your life does have value. I know from experience how hard it can be when you're in the middle of such a mess to see past it...it can be overwhelming. But your life deserves to be fought for. Without sounding too cliche, life really is what we make of it. And you still have lots of time to make an amazing and beautiful life. You are too valuable to settle for anything less than that.

 

I'm glad that you are going to get treatment for your health condition, and wish you the very best of luck with it.

 

Hugs,

2H

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2Honest, to be realistic on value, I would have to look back and then to the future. I have been in the middle of a mess for almost 35 years now.

 

Tired is an understatement at this point. I've made my life, allowed baggage shaped by others bog it down, and now I have nothing, and can pretty much give nothing.

 

To me, that is a waste of resources. ;o)

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Yes, I have had many ask why I haven't outed my parents yet. Unlike them, I want to be the bigger person and let them preserve what tiny bit of dignity they have in this life. I've lost all of mine. Nothing can be taken from me anymore; that is the point I am at emotionally. I'm useless, pretty much worthless material wise, relationship wise I'm about worthless now too after all the drama in it from my baggage and picking bad people to love. I would love to have a pristine image and be credited a bit as a somebody. And I hate to let ANYONE feel like I do.

 

In his great poem, “East Coker,” T. S. Eliot wrote, “In order to arrive at what you do not

yet know, you must go by a way that is the way of ignorance.”

 

We travel an uncertain and unknown road, what Eliot called “The way of ignorance.”

There is no absolute knowledge beforehand. There are no answers ahead of time; no guarantees of safety or success. We don’t get to see it all or know it all.

 

We have to make real choices and decisions based on hope and trust, not clarity and certainty.

 

As Barbara Brown Taylor says, “The problem with decisions is that you don’t know how they’re going to turn out until after they’re made. And once they’re made, it’s too late.”

 

Ultimately we must deiced for ourselves when it's "too late." That is, when we've made all the choices and when we're "fucking done", as you put it.

 

To be honest most of what we deal with from the "get go," we have no say in. To whom we are born, how significant others shape what we understand early on---we have not a calorie in the deciding.

 

We do make choices which do determine where we 'land' and to what extent we can change things later in life. That's to say we make things hard on ourselves before we know it.

 

You are still making choices, the choice to express your desire to "be credited a bit as a somebody." the choice to hang around for "the kids." You haven't outed your parents. And you're sacrificing it all.

 

Like me you are being "had" by yourself, by your need to be Somebody! Like you say; "been there done that" to the point of doing my self in--shooting myself. Nothing mattered, absolutely nothing.

 

As a matter of fact I diagnosed myself with the "worthless-loser" personality disorder, unworthy of the air, food, the very water I consume and the space that I take up--void of any possibility--except extinction! And the worst thing of all that I was dragging so many others down!

 

Maybe you and I are a pair of Nobodies--a surprisingly great no-thing to be. Especially if you consider that ultimately there is no personality "disorder" other than the disorder of thinking we have a fixed personality. Personality is a expression of a wider, constantly changing potential. The potential not to sacrifice our living on worthlessness!

 

Consider that there is no self to not be, no thing-mind to lose. We are not tainted or pure. We are more and less than what we can ever think. We are less evil, less sickeningly good than we think, once we own our elusive selves.

and write from that empty space of be Nobody with nothing to lose and everything to gain. Don't switch story. Just switching stories will land you in just another bankrupt pigeonhole.

 

There is no single story that tells the truth of our lives. We make up the stories as we go along, doing the best we can with what we have.

 

If that is you sitting there, snapping beans with your daughter, in the above picture, remember nothing is binding you to live or to die by the legend--the story--you have told, no-thing!

 

Only Nobody knows!

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