I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I don't really have answers for you - there really aren't words that can make this all go away for you. But what I will say is that your life does have value. I know from experience how hard it can be when you're in the middle of such a mess to see past it...it can be overwhelming. But your life deserves to be fought for. Without sounding too cliche, life really is what we make of it. And you still have lots of time to make an amazing and beautiful life. You are too valuable to settle for anything less than that.

I'm glad that you are going to get treatment for your health condition, and wish you the very best of luck with it.

Hugs,

2H

2Honest, to be realistic on value, I would have to look back and then to the future. I have been in the middle of a mess for almost 35 years now.

Tired is an understatement at this point. I've made my life, allowed baggage shaped by others bog it down, and now I have nothing, and can pretty much give nothing.

To me, that is a waste of resources. ;o)

Yes, I have had many ask why I haven't outed my parents yet. Unlike them, I want to be the bigger person and let them preserve what tiny bit of dignity they have in this life. I've lost all of mine. Nothing can be taken from me anymore; that is the point I am at emotionally. I'm useless, pretty much worthless material wise, relationship wise I'm about worthless now too after all the drama in it from my baggage and picking bad people to love. I would love to have a pristine image and be credited a bit as a somebody. And I hate to let ANYONE feel like I do.

In his great poem, “East Coker,” T. S. Eliot wrote, “In order to arrive at what you do not

yet know, you must go by a way that is the way of ignorance.”

We travel an uncertain and unknown road, what Eliot called “The way of ignorance.”

There is no absolute knowledge beforehand. There are no answers ahead of time; no guarantees of safety or success. We don’t get to see it all or know it all.

We have to make real choices and decisions based on hope and trust, not clarity and certainty.

As Barbara Brown Taylor says, “The problem with decisions is that you don’t know how they’re going to turn out until after they’re made. And once they’re made, it’s too late.”

Ultimately we must deiced for ourselves when it's "too late." That is, when we've made all the choices and when we're "fucking done", as you put it.

To be honest most of what we deal with from the "get go," we have no say in. To whom we are born, how significant others shape what we understand early on---we have not a calorie in the deciding.

We do make choices which do determine where we 'land' and to what extent we can change things later in life. That's to say we make things hard on ourselves before we know it.

You are still making choices, the choice to express your desire to "be credited a bit as a somebody." the choice to hang around for "the kids." You haven't outed your parents. And you're sacrificing it all.

Like me you are being "had" by yourself, by your need to be Somebody! Like you say; "been there done that" to the point of doing my self in--shooting myself. Nothing mattered, absolutely nothing.

As a matter of fact I diagnosed myself with the "worthless-loser" personality disorder, unworthy of the air, food, the very water I consume and the space that I take up--void of any possibility--except extinction! And the worst thing of all that I was dragging so many others down!

Maybe you and I are a pair of Nobodies--a surprisingly great no-thing to be. Especially if you consider that ultimately there is no personality "disorder" other than the disorder of thinking we have a fixed personality. Personality is a expression of a wider, constantly changing potential. The potential not to sacrifice our living on worthlessness!

Consider that there is no self to not be, no thing-mind to lose. We are not tainted or pure. We are more and less than what we can ever think. We are less evil, less sickeningly good than we think, once we own our elusive selves.

and write from that empty space of be Nobody with nothing to lose and everything to gain. Don't switch story. Just switching stories will land you in just another bankrupt pigeonhole.

There is no single story that tells the truth of our lives. We make up the stories as we go along, doing the best we can with what we have.

If that is you sitting there, snapping beans with your daughter, in the above picture, remember nothing is binding you to live or to die by the legend--the story--you have told, no-thing!

Only Nobody knows!