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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.




Monday, April 8th, 2013

This will be my first actual blog entry I've ever made in my life. I have never written something with the intent of it becoming a "blog".


In fact the whole blogging concept started without me paying much attention to it.


But anyways, here it goes.


I have a wonderful 26 year old girlfriend. She treats me so well, as I do to her. She is sweet, she understands me, she is goofy with me and shares my sense of humor. She is beautiful as well as sexy.

Also, she has been my first (and only)...for many things.

The first girl I've kissed.

The first girl whose body I've touched in any way outside of a hug or handshake (except one time grinding at a club in Canada).

The first girl I've taken on a traditional dinner date.

She helped me get my driver's license by letting me practice in her car.

She's the first girl i've introduced to my family.

The first girl whose family I have met.

The first girl I've passionately hugged.

The first girl I've taken on a trip.

The first girl I've stayed at a hotel with.

And of course she is the one who took my virginity.


But despite her wonderfulness, there is one major problem in our relationship. We've been in a relationship for 2.5 years, and I am just not in love with her. Or at least I'm fairly certain I'm not. I've never said the words "I love you" (Though she has said them to me) to her. We've talked about it before. But I do not like to just say those words. Because to me saying "I love you" when you mean "I'm in love with you" is basically the same as saying "I want to be with you forever". Don't get me wrong, I care about her very deeply. Probably as much or more than most people do when they say those three words. Those words just have specific and special meaning to me. And I'm not going to use them prematurely just because it's normal in our culture.


When I think about my future, I can sometimes see her in it. But usually not. She and I have very different interests. In fact I'm not even sure what her interests are. I know she likes to watch movies and TV shows. I know she likes to bake. But she never seems to have anything she wants to do. And she doesn't like to share my interests (anime, Japanese culture, religion, video games, exercise). I actually like to do any random old thing out of the house...but she never has any such things. Also since she is unemployed, she doesn't have money to do things, so if we do find something to do that costs money per person, I need to pay for her portion and her food. Don't get me wrong, she is very generous, when she actually has money. Also, she has been unemployed for the entirety of our relationship. She was in school for most of it. She finished school and DID get a job for about 3 months, but then they let her go. Her parents have been paying her way to live in the city we live in. I think she will likely have to move back home. Unless she gets a job soon...but with this Job market and basically no experience it is not going to be easy.


Ah, and she also only has a few friends that I know of. Her old roommate, his boyfriend, and an old friend from elementary school that she never sees or talks to. It confuses me and bums me out that she doesn't have more people in her life. I try my best to keep my old friends in my life. I probably have between 10 and 20 people from highschool and college that I would call my good friends. I still like to hang out with these people whenever I get the chance. I really want her to have something like that. She needs a social network (not as the saying is used today, but an actual one).


So here I am with this wonderful, sweet, caring, beautiful, sexy, funny, unemployed, friendless, hobbyless girl who I care about more than anybody else in the world. Who is my best friend. Oh, and I forgot to mention that her family is pretty religious (even though she isn't, but that is not "out").

But, I can't help but wonder what else is out there.

I can't help but wonder if I could find a girl who was not only a great girlfriend, but who I could share my hobbies with, or get to know her friends, or enjoy hanging out with her family.

I can't help but wonder what it's like to be with somebody else.

What would it be like being with a girlfriend that had an income?

What would it be like kissing or sleeping with another girl?


I really don't know. And it kills me to wonder these things...because I feel like I am not ready to commit to marriage until I do know these things. I feel I could marry my current girlfriend...if I experienced more in life and realized that how I feel for her really IS it. It doesn't get any better! But I'm so scared that it does get better, and I could have not just a "great" relationship but a "wonderful almost beyond belief" relationship. I don't want to not get the most I can out of life, and I'm just not certain that with her I will be able to do that.




So it took some courage. But yesterday, I finally came out and told her most of this. I told her I won't be ready to marry until I have more experience. Experience being alone again (now with money, last time I was single I was broke and carless). Experience being with other girls. I told her I think we have a great relationship, but to be honest with my own feelings I don't think I'll ever be able to commit at the rate things are going. I told her I didn't want to hurt her, but I don't want to keep this from her because she should know...because it's her life too. I told her that nothing has to change now...if she doesn't want it to. We can still be together...but someday I feel it will have to end.


I cried so hard while I was telling her. My voice trembled as I held her. I am so scared of losing her, even though I know this is all my decision. It's hard for me to imagine life without her. She cried too, which only made me cry more. I hurt her. I've almost never hurt her emotionally before. This was probably my second time..but it was such a huge way to hurt her. We held each other, crying and talking for an hour or two. She doesn't want to lose me. I don't want to lose her. But I do want to know what else is out there. Having only been with her...I feel like I can't make an informed decision on my own life.


After the crying, we agreed to keep going as usual. And no matter what to always be friends. Our time is limited now, but we still care about each other. We can still make some great memories.


There are mainly 3 scenarios I see at this point.

1. Her parents give her an ultimatum and say get a job by X date or else move home (they actually did this last year before she got her previous job). If this happens we will stop being a couple before she moves. (This Scenario is most likely)

2. She does get a job, or her parents keep paying for her living here. If this happens I will probably have to break things off by the end of the year.

3. She gets too sad about this and can't handle the thought of "impending doom" on our relationship and breaks it off with me.


But for now, I'll just enjoy being with her as much as I can. I'll live in the moment for now.

We aren't broken up yet. Life isn't that simple. Love isn't that simple. I hope she and I will always be friends. And who knows? Maybe in 5 or 10 years she and I will end up together. Not that I will be waiting for that, and I hope she won't either.


For now I'll live life one day at a time.



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Wow. It is good that you can tell her what you feel. I do think though that we are encouraged by stupid movies to believe in this "really wonderful relationship". For me, the most important thing is that the person has equal amounts of intelligence and the need for physical affection as I do.


I don't see people as commodities, I see them for their soul, who they are. I ended my last relationship because of the absence of the above two things, and I NEVER want to do that to anyone again. I have had it done to me too many times already. I put my heart and soul into my relationships, and every time I was not valued by the other party like I valued them. In hindsight none of them deserved me. I am in love with a wonderful guy now, but I wonder how long before I will be seen as just a commodity. I am SO tired of starting again. If my current relationship does not last, there will be no more.


I hope you can both find a place of peace about this. In my experience, if you find someone who genuninely loves you for who you are, and gives you what you need, don't let go. The romantic shit you see in the movies is nothing but a fairy tale.

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Thanks for taking the time to read this Galien.  I know part of me is being stupid, thinking there may be something greater. 


For me, I think the main thing I might be looking for in a relationship (besides being in love) is admiration.  I want to admire my partner.  It is probably similar to your quest for an intelligent partner. 


I mean there are other things...just those obvious things that everybody wants.  But as far as an important unique quality that I want in a relationship..admiration would be it.


My current girlfriend and I are doing OK.  We are behaving as normal.  I just hope she isn't getting all sad about it behind closed doors and not telling me....I told her she can talk to me about anything. 


We actually have a lunch date today, so I'm going to take her out to some Pho :).

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I don't need to admire anyone, and the things that most people admire in others mean nothing to me. For me a successful person is a kind, gentle humble one. I could care less how much money or ambition or talent they have. I don't "admire" people for their looks or intelligence, they are genetic gifts, nothing more. I don't admire people for how much money they have, greed or the desire to impress others tends to repel me more than anything.


If I ever do admire a person, it is because of how humble they are, and that they have their ego under control.


Oh and if I loved you to bits and you said that stuff to me I would probably want to stab you in the eye :) My partner tells me though that its a guy thing, but if my guy said to me I want to see if there is anything better out there than you, I would tell him not to let the door hit his ass too hard on the way out of it. That is the difference between being in your 20's and being in your 50's. Any woman worth her salt knows there is no one better than her :)

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I said that stuff to her fully prepared for her to hate me for it.  But I think it's alot better to be honest about my feelings than to just go along with this and always be thinking about other possibilities.


And I didn't say to see if there is somebody better (though I'm sure it sounded that way).  I said I needed to learn more about myself and more about what I want in the future.  I tried not to sugar coat it, so yes that would likely involve seeing other people. 


My feelings are a bit complicated because I have actually been in love in the past.  And that's why I'm so uncertain right now because I don't feel that way at the moment.  I don't like to talk about my past love because I end up having to justify it since most people would argue it wasn't love.  But I know what I felt.


And what I admire isn't money or looks.  What I admire is for lack of a better word a strong spirit.  A fantastic energy.  The ability to make others happy.  The ability to love and care for others.  Confidence.  And much more.  I admire ...admirable qualities haha.  Qualities I strive for.  That's what I admire.



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I give you a lot of credit for leveling with her instead of leading her on..

Some men can't seem to do that.

I think I must attract a singularly cold hearted type of man.


Anyway, I wish you the best for the future, Adranime, just because you did have that difficult conversation. You are a cut above.

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Thanks Deva, and thank you for reading.


I didn't grow up in a happy home...so to me, one of the biggest things I want to avoid is a marriage in name only.  A marriage that is only held together by a contract. 


What i want for my future is a marriage where I'm compelled to stay with my partner, cherish my partner, and love only my partner.  I highly dislike seeing people jumping into marriage just to see them divorce 2-5 years later.  Similarly I highly dislike people staying in unhappy marriages, especially when there are kids involved (because it screws up their kids' life -- know this first hand).


My life, and my future will be glorious and amazing.  Because I will make sure of it!  And it will be full of love, family, laughs, and all.  I'll never settle for just being passively content.


And regarding your "cold-hearted" men.  I think men are just scared.  Just as women are.  They aren't trying to hurt women when they do seemingly cold hearted actions..like breaking up with no explanation and whatnot.  it's just cowardice.  They are protecting themselves from the response they are scared of.  I mean, I guess it is still a bit cold hearted.  But in his head he is probably juggling trying to hurt himself the least, and you as little as possible, even if it means being a little dishonest.

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