Monday, April 8th, 2013

This will be my first actual blog entry I've ever made in my life. I have never written something with the intent of it becoming a "blog".

In fact the whole blogging concept started without me paying much attention to it.

But anyways, here it goes.

I have a wonderful 26 year old girlfriend. She treats me so well, as I do to her. She is sweet, she understands me, she is goofy with me and shares my sense of humor. She is beautiful as well as sexy.

Also, she has been my first (and only)...for many things.

The first girl I've kissed.

The first girl whose body I've touched in any way outside of a hug or handshake (except one time grinding at a club in Canada).

The first girl I've taken on a traditional dinner date.

She helped me get my driver's license by letting me practice in her car.

She's the first girl i've introduced to my family.

The first girl whose family I have met.

The first girl I've passionately hugged.

The first girl I've taken on a trip.

The first girl I've stayed at a hotel with.

And of course she is the one who took my virginity.

But despite her wonderfulness, there is one major problem in our relationship. We've been in a relationship for 2.5 years, and I am just not in love with her. Or at least I'm fairly certain I'm not. I've never said the words "I love you" (Though she has said them to me) to her. We've talked about it before. But I do not like to just say those words. Because to me saying "I love you" when you mean "I'm in love with you" is basically the same as saying "I want to be with you forever". Don't get me wrong, I care about her very deeply. Probably as much or more than most people do when they say those three words. Those words just have specific and special meaning to me. And I'm not going to use them prematurely just because it's normal in our culture.

When I think about my future, I can sometimes see her in it. But usually not. She and I have very different interests. In fact I'm not even sure what her interests are. I know she likes to watch movies and TV shows. I know she likes to bake. But she never seems to have anything she wants to do. And she doesn't like to share my interests (anime, Japanese culture, religion, video games, exercise). I actually like to do any random old thing out of the house...but she never has any such things. Also since she is unemployed, she doesn't have money to do things, so if we do find something to do that costs money per person, I need to pay for her portion and her food. Don't get me wrong, she is very generous, when she actually has money. Also, she has been unemployed for the entirety of our relationship. She was in school for most of it. She finished school and DID get a job for about 3 months, but then they let her go. Her parents have been paying her way to live in the city we live in. I think she will likely have to move back home. Unless she gets a job soon...but with this Job market and basically no experience it is not going to be easy.

Ah, and she also only has a few friends that I know of. Her old roommate, his boyfriend, and an old friend from elementary school that she never sees or talks to. It confuses me and bums me out that she doesn't have more people in her life. I try my best to keep my old friends in my life. I probably have between 10 and 20 people from highschool and college that I would call my good friends. I still like to hang out with these people whenever I get the chance. I really want her to have something like that. She needs a social network (not as the saying is used today, but an actual one).

So here I am with this wonderful, sweet, caring, beautiful, sexy, funny, unemployed, friendless, hobbyless girl who I care about more than anybody else in the world. Who is my best friend. Oh, and I forgot to mention that her family is pretty religious (even though she isn't, but that is not "out").

But, I can't help but wonder what else is out there.

I can't help but wonder if I could find a girl who was not only a great girlfriend, but who I could share my hobbies with, or get to know her friends, or enjoy hanging out with her family.

I can't help but wonder what it's like to be with somebody else.

What would it be like being with a girlfriend that had an income?

What would it be like kissing or sleeping with another girl?

I really don't know. And it kills me to wonder these things...because I feel like I am not ready to commit to marriage until I do know these things. I feel I could marry my current girlfriend...if I experienced more in life and realized that how I feel for her really IS it. It doesn't get any better! But I'm so scared that it does get better, and I could have not just a "great" relationship but a "wonderful almost beyond belief" relationship. I don't want to not get the most I can out of life, and I'm just not certain that with her I will be able to do that.

..........

So it took some courage. But yesterday, I finally came out and told her most of this. I told her I won't be ready to marry until I have more experience. Experience being alone again (now with money, last time I was single I was broke and carless). Experience being with other girls. I told her I think we have a great relationship, but to be honest with my own feelings I don't think I'll ever be able to commit at the rate things are going. I told her I didn't want to hurt her, but I don't want to keep this from her because she should know...because it's her life too. I told her that nothing has to change now...if she doesn't want it to. We can still be together...but someday I feel it will have to end.

I cried so hard while I was telling her. My voice trembled as I held her. I am so scared of losing her, even though I know this is all my decision. It's hard for me to imagine life without her. She cried too, which only made me cry more. I hurt her. I've almost never hurt her emotionally before. This was probably my second time..but it was such a huge way to hurt her. We held each other, crying and talking for an hour or two. She doesn't want to lose me. I don't want to lose her. But I do want to know what else is out there. Having only been with her...I feel like I can't make an informed decision on my own life.

After the crying, we agreed to keep going as usual. And no matter what to always be friends. Our time is limited now, but we still care about each other. We can still make some great memories.

There are mainly 3 scenarios I see at this point.

1. Her parents give her an ultimatum and say get a job by X date or else move home (they actually did this last year before she got her previous job). If this happens we will stop being a couple before she moves. (This Scenario is most likely)

2. She does get a job, or her parents keep paying for her living here. If this happens I will probably have to break things off by the end of the year.

3. She gets too sad about this and can't handle the thought of "impending doom" on our relationship and breaks it off with me.

But for now, I'll just enjoy being with her as much as I can. I'll live in the moment for now.

We aren't broken up yet. Life isn't that simple. Love isn't that simple. I hope she and I will always be friends. And who knows? Maybe in 5 or 10 years she and I will end up together. Not that I will be waiting for that, and I hope she won't either.

For now I'll live life one day at a time.