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Wallowing in self pity




Man I am soooooo depressed. Why oh why oh why did I have to get myself into this. I can’t even think straight to write this thing.


Self employment. My own business.


I’m not up to this. I thought I was. I deluded myself into thinking that I was. It had always been a dream of mine, to start and grow my own business, be my own boss and profit from my own success, to be like my father and my uncles and aunties, a “successful” business owner. But now it looks like its nothing more than a pipe dream.


A delusion. A fantasy. (While I may have freed myself from religion, I haven’t freed myself from the religious way of thinking, it seems.)


I design and draw plans for houses. I reckon I’m a pretty good draftsperson. I reckon that because I have been told by many employers, teachers, co-workers and clients that I am, in fact, a very good draftsperson (and designer). I take pride (oooooh a Big Sin!!!) in my work. But pretty pictures do not a business make. All this other “stuff” that one has to do is just getting me down, and wasting my time. Especially extortion-like requests for money from the ethically dubious private registration company that I have to be registered with to legally practise in this state.


I work from home. I have been for about a year and a half. I work by myself. I live by myself. I “relax” in the same chair and at the same computer I work at. I could handle it for a little while at first, but again, I was wrong. The novelty has worn off. I haven’t had a paycheque for some 2-3 months, and I’m surviving solely on savings, though I have been able to send out some invoices just this week. I have no life.


I’m a hopeless business manager, at least at this stage. I added up some figures recently and discovered that I made less money working for myself this past year than I would have if I had worked full time as a minion in someone else’s office.


I’m a pathetic boss and a lousy worker, at least when working for myself. I have absolutely no confidence in myself at the moment, no confidence in my decisions. Yet I need confidence to make decisions and carry them through. Woe is me.


“God will give you what you need when you need it, and God knows when you will need it” says the Pastor, or memory thereof in my mind. In other words, God will give you a kick in the guts when He feels like it.


I’m going to try to get some full time work at an office where have previously done some contract work. The boss there has offered me full time work before, on a couple of occasions actually, and silly me declined. I just hope the door is still open.




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