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Love Doesn't Work

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Galien

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It astounds me at times how much shit has to go down before I learn lessons. When I was a child I was born into a family that had nothing of value to offer me. I learned early that at least I could trust my grandparents, and if I wanted an example of how to be a decent human being I should look to them, not my parents. On top of their lessons to work hard and look after yourself, christianity seemed like a good deal. I was obsessesed with being a good person, so the image of jesus I was sold fit the bill nicely.

 

On a bedrock I started to build my own little world, my own house of how life should be, a strong fortress in the chaos of my family. My world was built on idealism and love, and the thought we could make everything better if we cared enough, and loved enough. Over the years I added extensions to my inner house, beliefs that people were basically good and kind, and wanted to be nice to each other. This helped me to cope with the soul crushing depression that had been with me since my teenage years, a counter balance to all the shit I felt and saw in the world. My belief in love protected me from losing my mind completely, even though I cried a lot because something deep in my unconscious knew the truth, the truth that others did not value me the way I valued them.

 

A lot of things have happened in my life to beat me down, to send volleys at the house I built, and for many years I resisted all of them. I stood in my house, resolute that no matter how much shit I saw, how much hurt I felt, that I was right in my perceptions, and that if only other people cared like I did that everything would be okay.

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Over time though, I started to notice cracks in the walls of my house, but I chose to ignore them, sure that it was just a small problem and I could sort it out easily. As I let go of christianity, the cracks got bigger and bigger, and I started to realise how much of my house was built on my christian beliefs. I thought though that my house would still stand, and that I could make my new beliefs fit my house. What emerged though is that because my house was made of love, as more and more people withdrew from me because I was no longer a christian nor a door mat, parts of my house started to fall off. A door here, a window there, bits just started disappearing, who section just weren't there any more. It was built on beliefs, beliefs that I had value in other people's eyes the way they did in mine.

 

As the truth hit home, the devastation began. I tried so hard to keep my illusions, but as my life progressed and I became older, things became more and more clear. I have wasted myself on people. Wasted my love and my care and my integrity, invested emotionally in idiots who cared only for themselves.

 

Now my house has gone, disappeared into the wind, and now I have noticed an even more curious thing. My daughter has not spoken to me in almost a year. That has been the death blow to any illusions of love I may ever have had. I spent decades loving this girl and giving her the things I never had, and now I am surplus to requirements. Now I am starting to fade away just like my house. Everyday when I look in the mirror I am more faded than the day before. It is like in movies when the person turns to dust, and they just blow away in the wind. Everything I ever knew or felt or cared about is gone, and I sit in the ruins of my life, knowing that no one I have invested in could care less about me. I feel like it has all been a waste. If love isn't real and doesn't work, nothing has any meaning.

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I validate you  because I've been in this situation (with my boy) and have felt this way about 'love' my whole life. I hear your pain. I am listening.....Please keep talking Galien.......Keep writing it out.....

 

Sometime maybe, you and I can compare notes because I have come to a conclusion that helps me accept life much better now, (but I'm not going to force my opinion on you) but I also had to write it all down just like you are doing.... so please keep writing out this pain.....I am listening....... *hug*

 

I care........

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You are an ole' sweetheart too Galien. You're just a bitter ole' hag like me hon!!! Lol (just joking)

 

How are you feeling tonight? Is there anything you want to talk about?

 

I just wanted to tell you that when my boy pulled a lot of shit with me...I had to let him go. I had to. He was causing me too much chaos. Too much poison. I couldn't be around it. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.....letting him go. I tried so hard to fix' him. Couldn't be done. He's 25 now and coming around very slowly.

 

How old is your girl?

*hug*

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Want to try and cheer you up a bit but I honestly don't know what to say... so... sad.png

 

Thurisaz...you're always there for people...even if it's just to give a hug. That means a lot. You're a good man!! *hug*

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My daughter is 24. It appears she has borderline personality disorder and she won't get help. But because I am so emotionally fragile, and she has watched me suffer with what happens when people withdraw from me, I cannot understand why she would make me suffer like others have. All I did was ask her to get help, and get off the couch where she has been lying for the past 4 years refusing to work or study. If she is mentally ill, fine, but get help  and don't just lay there.

 

After I asked her to stop parasiting off me, now she has been parasiting off her boyfriend for a year and refuses to work. I don't get it, I have had problems with depression my wholelife, but I worked to make her life better. I got off my butt no matter how bad I felt, but she just won't.

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My daughter is 24. It appears she has borderline personality disorder and she won't get help. But because I am so emotionally fragile, and she has watched me suffer with what happens when people withdraw from me, I cannot understand why she would make me suffer like others have. All I did was ask her to get help, and get off the couch where she has been lying for the past 4 years refusing to work or study. If she is mentally ill, fine, but get help  and don't just lay there.

 

After I asked her to stop parasiting off me, now she has been parasiting off her boyfriend for a year and refuses to work. I don't get it, I have had problems with depression my wholelife, but I worked to make her life better. I got off my butt no matter how bad I felt, but she just won't.

 

It's so sad to watch when you can't rescue them....can't fix them. I have admitted 'powerlessness' in certain areas of my life and this is one of them. Can't change people. I didn't know this all through my life. I thought I could 'fix' everything, but now I know I can't.

 

 The next biggest hurdle to get through, is not to take this personally. I know you probably want to slap me right now, but this was a part of it for me. How could it be that the boy I rescued at 8 years old when his mom died treat me this way?  I try so hard not to take anything personally anymore. I admit, it's hard for sensitive people. Even a 'wrong look' could hurt my feelings.

 

 He is getting a little better but can still be very angry. I can't be around it at all.

 

I think sometimes people have to hit their own 'rock bottom' before they straighten up their lives. I had to. I always had to hit my own little rock bottoms. I didn't want to listen to anybody. I have always done things my way. as much of a care-giver that I am.....I'm a stubborn one. Lol  And sometimes, I paid dearly.

 

 So now, I let the kids learn their own lessons and I'll be here for them when they need me. But only if they are ready to make changes and then I will support them in whatever they want to do, providing it doesn't hurt anyone.

 

I'm sorry you are so sad about this. You know I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and make it all better.......

 

Sometimes it's just nice to know that someone is listening......

 

Go do something really nice for yourself today.

 

Big *hug*  girlie........

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I refuse to be disillusioned by reality. 

 

And the reality many of us are forced to confront at a certain point in our lives is that the people whom we thought were friends or lovers were actually not very good human beings. They were selfish people with shallow values and little substance or integrity. Many of them were indoctrinated into religious cults, but I refuse to let them off the hook for that excuse. 

 

I no longer communicate with many people I once knew. Many of them were condescending to me over the years, but I put up with it because I think it's very important to laugh at one's self. The problem is that they never felt the same. I didn't tell these people they weren't my friends anymore; I didn't make some dramatic scene. I simply stopped talking to them. Changed my phone, changed my email. Not worth my time. 

 

The house you built was made out of sand. You could have kept it and just denied reality the rest of your life. A lot of people do this. As for me, I'd rather grasp the world as it really is -- even making allowance for all of the selfish jerks out there -- and deal with it on some objective level, than continue to live in a child-like trance state of meaningless bliss. 

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Well, I have had severe depression for forty years, so it was hardly bliss. I am glad I am able to see things more clearly now. Unfortunately though I see now how much christianity was holding my existential depression at bay, and now I no longer have any illusions, life is almost harder to bear than ever. Hopefully I will find a way through it.

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Margee, you are so right. That sweet little girl I loved so much is a selfish dick, and I can't do anything much about that.

 

It does help to know that someone is listening, and thank you for it :)

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I refuse to be disillusioned by reality. 

 

And the reality many of us are forced to confront at a certain point in our lives is that the people whom we thought were friends or lovers were actually not very good human beings. They were selfish people with shallow values and little substance or integrity. Many of them were indoctrinated into religious cults, but I refuse to let them off the hook for that excuse. 

 

I no longer communicate with many people I once knew. Many of them were condescending to me over the years, but I put up with it because I think it's very important to laugh at one's self. The problem is that they never felt the same. I didn't tell these people they weren't my friends anymore; I didn't make some dramatic scene. I simply stopped talking to them. Changed my phone, changed my email. Not worth my time. 

 

The house you built was made out of sand. You could have kept it and just denied reality the rest of your life. A lot of people do this. As for me, I'd rather grasp the world as it really is -- even making allowance for all of the selfish jerks out there -- and deal with it on some objective level, than continue to live in a child-like trance state of meaningless bliss. 

 

Blood....you couldn't have said it better for me! This is exactly how I feel today. Exactly...even to the point of avoiding calling people back on the phone.

 

As they used to say in our church...'Good word' Blood!!

 

Thanks buddy! *hug*

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Well, I have had severe depression for forty years, so it was hardly bliss. I am glad I am able to see things more clearly now. Unfortunately though I see now how much christianity was holding my existential depression at bay, and now I no longer have any illusions, life is almost harder to bear than ever. Hopefully I will find a way through it.

 

 

I think you need to accept all the shit in the world Galien. That's what I had to do. I had to stop fighting why the world was the way it was. I can't change the world anymore than I can change my friends or family. I don't want to live in quiet desperation anymore. As the saying goes..'It is the way it is' and I personally want to learn to laugh again for the few (probably) short years I have left. I Play Russian Roulette because I have been a smoker for  all my life....I'm sure it's going to catch up with me at one point.

 

C'mon girl...smile for me tonight...just for little ole' me???? rolleyes.gif

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I can accept it, I just fucking hate it, and I hate being expected to live in it, but it is not unusual for gifted people to be stymied by being able to see how good we could be.....

 

Never mind. Big fat smile commin' at ya Margee :)

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I think it is hard to switch to new tools after being trained to use only certain ones for so long. It's like a software upgrade and all the buttons and features you were used to using are either moved, or have different values. Adaptation has always been a huge struggle for me too, and love was a huge tool I counted on. When the reality that love isn't what makes the world go round sunk in, I was devastated. Then I started to re evaluate what I thought was love, and realized it was dependency, a coping measure that I had idealized to be love. And for many, love has different meanings and value, and adjusting those qualities are so very difficult, and can have tragic consequences that are beyond our control.

 

I really hope that over time, your daughter will come to her senses. I had to hit rock bottom in with my own depression and violent temper to fully see what havoc I was wreaking. Your daughter might be in the same boat. Just don't run around exercising damage control, that really doesn't help the individual at all. And I agree, it is painful to watch, and removing yourself from the side show is not an unloving thing to do. You have to respect your own needs and love in order to adequately provide appropriate support down the road. You're doing the right thing Galien! <3

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