July. A crazy month if there ever was one. It was around this time last year that I began to doubt the existence of Yahweh and his holey son Jesus. I wasn't in a good place mentally. I had been writing a lot of erotic smut and posting to a few websites that are into that sort of thing. It was a release for me, a release after 2 years of attempted reparative therapy. From 2008 (when I accepted Christ) until 2012 (when I had my falling out of sorts with God), I was beset by "demons".

My therapist believed that I was under attack by demons that caused me to have strange thoughts. I read a lot of physics books at this time, including a book (can't find it on Amazon right now) that theorized that Jesus was an intersexed XX male. That was a hoot and when I shared this with my therapist, it was clearly earth-shattering to her KJV-reading, prayer-healing self. Sometimes science is more bizarre than faith, but it is always far more satisfying. Or so I think.

What if Jesus really were an XX male? How much do genes really matter? What if all of the trash that is talked about transgenderism is exactly that, trash? It would be a riot to find out that tough guy Rambo-lite, AK-packing Jesus was really a female in his genes! Not that it means much, really. XX guys still have male equipment in most cases, they are just infertile. Perhaps this possibly unique trait of Jesus explains why he never lusted after a woman (low or no sex drive due to low or non-existent testosterone). Maybe he never touched himself because there was nothing to touch...like that, anyway.

Of course, my therapist said I was being obstinate and too literal. Jesus was a man! Not some namby-pamby he-she! Blasphemer! We prayed about it and I left the session oddly satisfied. I knew the truth about Jesus, a truth that the rest of the believing world was in denial about. If Jesus were born of a woman, only X genes would have been available to make him. So if we are working from this flimsy-ass premise, let's follow it logical conclusion. With X chromosomes available, he would have been XX or female. So either Jesus was intersexed, perhaps a eunuch...or wait for it...LYING. Maybe Jesus was a woman all along!

I get a kick out of such theories now. So what if Jesus were a woman pretending to be a man? What if this Jesus was truly a transgender and/or genderqueer rebel? It would mean that the enforced binary of gender that has reigned since Christianity became the faith of the land would be rendered moot.

It is science fiction (kind of). And I like the idea of it. Is it true? Most likely not. Although, if Jesus were God, and God created us in its image, MALE and FEMALE...wouldn't that mean that Jesus was a bit of both? This lends some credence to the theory on a theological level. As much as one can grant credence to theories about invisble friends and mythological characters from ancient times.

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As time passed, I realized that the Jewish version of Jesus extolled by my former church was not one that I could believe existed. The Jewish Jesus was a masculine character, a joyless and self-righteous stand-in for the alter egos of his followers. They claim that he is compassionate, loving, kind...but they also uphold that the OT is a divine revelation of his coming and those that don't accept his divinity will not ascend to the kingdom. There is no hell for them. Just endless death for the non-believer and great reward for the follower. They hold no particular doctrine except the belief of Yeshua the Messiah, a magical being who blesses us with endless wisdom for no reason except that he loves us.

All Gentiles have been grafted into his family tree! Saul proclaimed a message and all that believe will be saved! They worship Paul (called Saul) just as much as Jesus. In fact, about 85% of sermons and speeches given in the church came from the Epistles. They worked him into the sermons about the OT as well. Saul was the savior of the surely damned Gentiles, the fearless leader and mouthpiece of Jesus. The town crier and king shit-disturber. The self-proclaimed greatest apostle and righthand man of God himself.

There was a lot of talk of loving the sinner and hating the sin. I'm not sure how one goes about doing that....

"Hi there! I love you, but I hate that you're gay/an alcoholic/a Satanist/whatever! Let's be friends!"

WTF? NO.

No, we cannot be friends if you hate my beliefs, my lifestyle, my past, my hobbies, or anything else about me. If you are opposed to things that I stand for, then it makes it very difficult to be friends. And if your only motivation in pursuing a friendship with me is to "bring me to Christ" or "show me the light/love of Christians" or anything else of the sort...then I have no interest in pursuing a friendship. I am a lot deeper than the surface indicates. I have emotions, passions, interests, talents, thoughts, dreams. I am not a cog in a Christ-machine, standing in the dark because I don't know where the light is. I'd wager that I am in the light far more than most believers, simply because I no longer have to preface every thought or opinion by "As a Christian..." or "the Bible says...". There are no longer any imaginary thought police telling me what is right and wrong and what I should think about. No one is monitoring my conscience. No one is throwing around terms like "sinful" and "rebellious" and "demonic" to describe me or my thoughts anymore.

That's true freedom, right there. Not the bullshit that masquerades as freedom in Christian circles.

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I have to rant about my friend MJ again. Dear MJ.

We were talking about small group meetings at the church not too long ago. I don't know how or why we got on the topic.

Anyway, she said that the people that needed to attend them the most were the most unlikely to attend. "People need to be around others who are practicing right-living. Unfortunately, most small groups types are already living rightly and don't benefit much from the small groups experience."

I was like "So how does one decide who is living rightly? WTF is "living rightly"?"

"Well", she says, "Living rightly means that you are taking the Bible seriously, walking with G-d (she never says his name, not even in conversation), not doing risky or hurtful things like drinking excessively, cursing, looking at porn, stuff like that. Basically, you are dedicated to G-d."

"Oh." I said. "So do you and your husband attend small groups?"

"No. We're too busy. Besides, we are already living rightly!" she said with a smile.

"Because you were named to the board of directors, youngest members ever?" I said sarcastically.

"Well, yeah. Pastors and board members aren't supposed to be in small groups...." she said softly.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because we're righteous. We don't have to prove ourselves to newbies and the less spritually inclined." she said off-handedly.

"Oh." I said. "I see. So you only have to go to small groups to keep you in the program. To keep you from giving up like I did, right?"

"No, no...it's not really like that. It's just, ok...." She got quiet. "It's like when I was dating my husband and I kept praying, Is he the one? Is it time to get married already? I was only 19, busy being selfish. When I talked to the small group I was in and prayed about it, I just knew that was the right thing to do. That I should marry him."

"So basically the group made the decision for you?" I asked.

"No, you don't get it. The group urges a person to be righteous, to do the right thing. They don't tell you what to do; they just encourage you to align your life with G-d's will." she said.

"They encourage you to follow a script then, encourage you to do things a certain way. Peer pressure, much?" I teased.

"Ugh! I don't know!" she said, turning away from me.

"I think I'll go with queer pressure over peer pressure for $400, Alex!" I said with a laugh.

"You would..." she said softly.

And thus, I came to the conclusion that MJ is a borderline self-righteous asshat. I still talk to her but I know that I'm skating on thin ice. Too bad she shacked up with the first guy to rattle his bone in her general direction. She would have been one fiesty ladykiller if she hadn't.