So I'm pissed off at MJ again.
Why do I care so much about this one friend from the old days? Why does she get under my skin when no one else does?
MJ is expecting. She is due in September, I think. Maybe August. I haven't seen her since April (or was it May?) We had a falling out about my lack of belief and my unwillingness to sugarcoat things around her. She wants God to be real, really real and can't tolerate my outspokenness.
GOD AIN'T REAL.
It doesn't matter if you feel him, see him, talk to him. It doesn't matter if you just "know" that he is there. God isn't real. I don't give a shit how many times she repeats the mantras.
- God is just as real as you are. [invisible Friend Justification]
- I just know that God is real. [Personal Testimony, Appeal to Emotion]
- Jesus is an historical figure. [Argument from History]
- Wannabe Jewish Hipster Church teaches the right way. [One True Way Fallacy]
- I'm not down with apologia. Calvinism is overrated. [Throwing In The Towel]
- If you're looking for me to convince you, I can't do that. [backhanded Blame Pinning.]
And so on and on.
Today I received an email. This email was from a mutual friend. Apparently MJ had a baby shower/large party. Guess who wasn't invited? Me.
MJ has repeatedly told me that I would be like an aunt to her unborn child. She has told me that despite our differences, we would remain close. She has even called me her "life sister" before.
Now this. This insulting slap to the face. I can understand her not inviting me. We don't have many mutual friends and the party was held in a town about 45 minutes away from where I live. I am not a social person and she knows that. But she didn't even tell me that she was having a shower. I have been sewing things for her baby for several months. In fact, I sent her an email last week to attempt to arrange a meeting or a time to drop off the things that I have made for her child. No response. Instead, I get an email from a friend saying "MJ's shower was this weekend...blah blah blah..."
I suppose the friend assumed that I had been invited but declined. I'm not pissed at the friend for telling me about it after the fact. I'm not even all that pissed about not going or not being invited. I am pissed that she didn't even tell me about it. I could have arranged to drop off my gifts prior to the shower. I would have even been willing to mail my gifts to the location of the shower if I had known about it ahead of time.
Now, I'm considering selling the things that I made on Craigslist, perhaps giving them to my younger sister in case she has another baby.
I don't have much to say to MJ, really. I'm so fucking pissed.
The moral of this story:
In my personal experience, believers just say what the want to hear and act as if that is reality. MJ may have said that her and I were "like sisters", "best friends", "really close", and that I would be "an auntie" to her child...but it was *probably* a bunch of lip service. She really wants to be open minded and she occasionally enjoys our conversations. But she can't. She chooses God and has to be seen as loyal to the ideals that she has staked her life upon. She can't ever say that X teaching is bullshit or that God isn't really real. She can't ever truly be skeptical. She can't question the things that she has learned, the half-truths from the outright lies and the bs rules that she feels free to disregard in her game of pick and choose theology.
She indulges me like she indulges the teenagers she counsels in youth group. I find it condescending and I wish that she would come out and fucking say it to my face. I wish that she would tell me that I am insignificant and that she only humors me because I am one of the only people on the face of this earth that will tell her like it is. I wish these things would happen because I am growing weary of the friendship and leery of her claims. I've been burned by screwed up situations in life and love too many times. I just don't have the patience or the grace to handle these sorts of petty dramas anymore. I care about her and I'd hate to lose a friendship...but I don't want one with her if it means that I'm just a person that she is always "too busy" for. I don't want to be friends with her if she can't bother to tell me about key events in her life.
I found out she was expecting through the grapevine as well. I confronted her about that and heard a whole lot of platitudes and promises. Most of which were/are bullshit. Now this whole not even bothering to inform me of her shower thing. Fuck her. Fuck her kid. I know that is petty on my part but I really don't care. She can have her fake-ass church friends, who are all just like her. She can have her crunchy, Jewish-lite lifestyle. In 20 years, she'll become what she fears the most: her own mother. A self-righteous acolyte for Christ with no real friends and a pussy-whipped yesman of a husband, plus 2.3 kids and a private estate in the middle of nowhere where she is free to homeschool her kids according to her own notions of Godliness.
There's a good chance that I'll get over this in time. I'm just sick of her shit and I hope that someday, the invisible hand of karmic justice bites her in the ass hard. One day she'll know what it's like to be blown off, disregarded, disrespected and talked down to. One day she'll know how it feels to care about someone and have them tell you to in many not-so-subtle ways. One day, one day. I believe in probabilities and her streak of exceptionally good circumstances will eventually end. She will fall on her ass and I hope I hear about it so I can have a good "I told you so" laugh over some cold beers.