This is not a well-thought out entry.
I'm just really pissed at myself and at other people right now. Just messaged a friend online. Got the brush off. A variation of "I'm busy and I'll try to talk/email later this week."
Fuck it. I'm through caring about people IRL. They're all a bunch of fucking liars and hypocrites. It's always "I'll make time for you later."
Reminds me so much of my childhood, I can't stand it. My parents were like that, always wrapped up in their own worlds, putting off spending time with us kids until they couldn't put it off anymore.
I am so over this bullshit with my "friends". They claim to value my friendship, but they never have the time for it. Why should I? Because I am lonely, because I trust them, I share myself with them. For what? A cold shoulder? A "Sorry, I'm busy."? Some other excuse.
I was just thinking last night that if I died, none of my "friends" would know about it.
I'm going through a lot of stuff right now and I want so badly to talk to someone IRL. My mom is ill and I can't go to her with things because any upset makes her worse. My sisters are all self-absorbed.. The one who isn't is having some marital troubles at the moment and I just don't feel like it is a good time to go to her with my internal strife.
I had/have 2 people that I considered close friends who are believers. I used to go to one of them [not MJ] quite a bit with different things. Now...well, it's rare that we even talk unless I schedule a time for a conversation with her. I don't mind it because I know that she has a life. I just really am not feeling well, and I need someone to talk to who gets that. I need someone and there isn't anyone there.
I sent her two really emotional emails last week, trying to communicate just how bad things are in my world right now. I guess I wasn't pointed enough. Or maybe she just doesn't care now that she knows that I am no longer in the fold.
Fuck. I don't know where to go from here. I love hanging on ex-c, it's really my only outlet. But I need someone IRL too, or maybe a lot of someones.
I am going to go rest for awhile. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow or some other distant day.