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This is not a well-thought out entry.


I'm just really pissed at myself and at other people right now. Just messaged a friend online. Got the brush off. A variation of "I'm busy and I'll try to talk/email later this week."


Fuck it. I'm through caring about people IRL. They're all a bunch of fucking liars and hypocrites. It's always "I'll make time for you later."


Reminds me so much of my childhood, I can't stand it. My parents were like that, always wrapped up in their own worlds, putting off spending time with us kids until they couldn't put it off anymore.


I am so over this bullshit with my "friends". They claim to value my friendship, but they never have the time for it. Why should I? Because I am lonely, because I trust them, I share myself with them. For what? A cold shoulder? A "Sorry, I'm busy."? Some other excuse.


I was just thinking last night that if I died, none of my "friends" would know about it.


I'm going through a lot of stuff right now and I want so badly to talk to someone IRL. My mom is ill and I can't go to her with things because any upset makes her worse. My sisters are all self-absorbed.. The one who isn't is having some marital troubles at the moment and I just don't feel like it is a good time to go to her with my internal strife.


I had/have 2 people that I considered close friends who are believers. I used to go to one of them [not MJ] quite a bit with different things. Now...well, it's rare that we even talk unless I schedule a time for a conversation with her. I don't mind it because I know that she has a life. I just really am not feeling well, and I need someone to talk to who gets that. I need someone and there isn't anyone there.


I sent her two really emotional emails last week, trying to communicate just how bad things are in my world right now. I guess I wasn't pointed enough. Or maybe she just doesn't care now that she knows that I am no longer in the fold.


Fuck. I don't know where to go from here. I love hanging on ex-c, it's really my only outlet. But I need someone IRL too, or maybe a lot of someones.


I am going to go rest for awhile. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow or some other distant day.


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Well, we care, for what it's worth. Even if just through cyber space, we are here for you. I know this feeling you are suffering. It took me a very long time to break free of what I'd like to call, toxic people and users. I say to myself, I only want to spend time now with people who truly enjoy my company, and appreciate me for me. Make time for me. I've made a lot of new friends over the past few years, by changing this mindset, and they are amazing beyond words.


Sometimes things like this happen to make us stronger. Not saying dump your friends, but be no one's doormat. I hope you feel better soon. **hugs**

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