An Old Friend's Mother Died.

[Vomit Comet]

I wish I could go to the goddamn funeral like a normal person and not get hassled by the fundies!

 

I've been deconverted for two glorious years as of this December. And the whole time I have mercifully managed to evade all my former fundie associates. No phone calls, no harassment, no diggity, no doubt. My parents were never in the cult, so I had only my brother to worry about on the family end of things, but save for one or two exceptions he's had mostly no contact with my old fundie crowd. So they haven't been asking him about me.

 

I've only kept in contact with one guy from that crowd, and he since moved to the other side of the country. Well, yesterday his mother died suddenly. My girlfriend and I--who just moved in with me two days ago after stepping off the plane from Europe--will have to drive to Los Angeles for the funeral. And every last fundie I've been completely avoiding for the past two years will be there. Former youth pastor, former senior pastor, former young adults pastor, and dozens of others who are lower on the fundie totem pole. It's going to be a veritable who's who of Vomit Comet's fundamentalist past. "This Is Your (Fundamentalist) Life", if anyone has memories of the old proto-reality show.

 

It will be awkward at best. And I don't even want to think about what it could be at worst. I also feel like an asshole, fretting over this and going "woe is me" while my friend's mom lies dead on a cold slab in the L.A. County morgue. But, asshole that I am, the instant I got the news I was like "awwwww fuck! The jig is up!!!"

 

My girlfriend will be with me. She's from Europe so all this fundie shit is as foreign to her as West African mojo witch doctorism is to an Iowan, and I'm trying to explain it to her as best as I can. When I mentioned that the Ass of God is "Sarah Palin's denomination", a glimmer of comprehension (and terror) flashed in her eyes. They're going to know right off the bat that I'm shacked up and fornicating with a godless European chick here in Sin City (Las Vegas) where I've made my new home. And they're going to be openly, and perhaps stridently wondering where the fuck I've been over the past two years. For all they knew, I was dead and nobody told them.

 

I'm particularly worried about my former youth pastor. I'm pretty sure he'll zero in on me on sight, and immediately lean on me and start interrogating.

 

Okay, I'd like to be able to tell them all to fuck themselves, in whatever way is polite for a funeral. Here's the rub: I'm worried about my brother. Some of you pretend to still be fundies because you're worried about dear, sweet old 'nana' keeling over of a massive heart attack if she were to be told that you were now a virulent atheist and had told Jesus to fuck off. Well, my brother would be the psychiatric equivalent of your granmama. That's my main worry. I'm worried that unless I fudge the truth (which I am loathe to do), word will spread like fucking wildfire and get back to him. L.A. may be the big city but our particular corner of it is like a small town, especially if you're talking about the close-knit fundie network. I know the chatter would reach his ears and the shit would hit the fucking fan. I'm worried just how badly it would set him off; perhaps to the point of no return.

 

Fuck. I don't know what to do. My girlfriend told me to fudge the truth for the sake of my brother. My brother isn't stupid but I have no idea what he knows. Were I to venture a guess, I would say he assumes I've gone into a state of "lukewarm" dormancy but still retain the basic fundie beliefs. Which is still enough to "pass through the gates of heaven smelling of smoke" as one old evangelist once said. I suspect he doesn't think I am now agnostic (or whatever) that is bound for an especially torturous level of hell for the grave, grave sin of apostasy.

 

Too many goddamn unknowns. If I could be assured that my brother wouldn't go into a catatonic stupor from the shock, I would have told him the truth by now. But I don't know what he knows, and I don't know how he would react if he discovered what I don't think that he doesn't know and... aw, fuck.

 

Is my girlfriend right?

 

Goddammit, why can't I just go to a fucking funeral without worrying about this fucking shit!!! Goddamn fucking fundies ruin everything!!!!!!!

[Loren]

Shit, VC. I have absolutely no good advice that you don't already know yourself. But damn, man, I feel for you. I want to remind you that it might turn out just fine and that you're worrying over nothing, but you *do* know your own former social circle, as well as your brother far better than I do.

 

All I can say is, I hope your fears are unfounded. Clearly you're more worried about your brother than your own discomfort. But that's not surprising, it's what I'd expect from you.

 

Here's to getting through it and getting it behind you with minimal emotional upheaval.

[Shyone]

I would go. When people become confrontational, which is unlikely, just turn and walk away. Changing the subject, recalling fond memories of the deceased or concerns about your friend, can also work if you feel the need to talk.

 

A few really sarcastic remarks can backfire, but privately I might have some ammunition ready. "Don't be so happy she's dead. It's unseemly and offensive." Or, "She's dead, and this is what you want to talk about? Have a little respect; leave the preaching to the preacher."

 

You can probably think of some other replies, but you should attend - for your friend and out of respect for his mother if they mean something to you (and I'm guessing they really do).

 

Be prepared to talk about commonplace things - the climate, weather, roads, job, economy, etc. If the subject matter gets uncomfortable, change the subject in this direction or just go get some more coffee. "Excuse me. I need to puke."

[belladonna]

I wish I could go to the goddamn funeral like a normal person and not get hassled by the fundies!

 

I've been deconverted for two glorious years as of this December. And the whole time I have mercifully managed to evade all my former fundie associates. No phone calls, no harassment, no diggity, no doubt. My parents were never in the cult, so I had only my brother to worry about on the family end of things, but save for one or two exceptions he's had mostly no contact with my old fundie crowd. So they haven't been asking him about me.

 

I've only kept in contact with one guy from that crowd, and he since moved to the other side of the country. Well, yesterday his mother died suddenly. My girlfriend and I--who just moved in with me two days ago after stepping off the plane from Europe--will have to drive to Los Angeles for the funeral. And every last fundie I've been completely avoiding for the past two years will be there. Former youth pastor, former senior pastor, former young adults pastor, and dozens of others who are lower on the fundie totem pole. It's going to be a veritable who's who of Vomit Comet's fundamentalist past. "This Is Your (Fundamentalist) Life", if anyone has memories of the old proto-reality show.

 

It will be awkward at best. And I don't even want to think about what it could be at worst. I also feel like an asshole, fretting over this and going "woe is me" while my friend's mom lies dead on a cold slab in the L.A. County morgue. But, asshole that I am, the instant I got the news I was like "awwwww fuck! The jig is up!!!"

 

My girlfriend will be with me. She's from Europe so all this fundie shit is as foreign to her as West African mojo witch doctorism is to an Iowan, and I'm trying to explain it to her as best as I can. When I mentioned that the Ass of God is "Sarah Palin's denomination", a glimmer of comprehension (and terror) flashed in her eyes. They're going to know right off the bat that I'm shacked up and fornicating with a godless European chick here in Sin City (Las Vegas) where I've made my new home. And they're going to be openly, and perhaps stridently wondering where the fuck I've been over the past two years. For all they knew, I was dead and nobody told them.

 

I'm particularly worried about my former youth pastor. I'm pretty sure he'll zero in on me on sight, and immediately lean on me and start interrogating.

 

Okay, I'd like to be able to tell them all to fuck themselves, in whatever way is polite for a funeral. Here's the rub: I'm worried about my brother. Some of you pretend to still be fundies because you're worried about dear, sweet old 'nana' keeling over of a massive heart attack if she were to be told that you were now a virulent atheist and had told Jesus to fuck off. Well, my brother would be the psychiatric equivalent of your granmama. That's my main worry. I'm worried that unless I fudge the truth (which I am loathe to do), word will spread like fucking wildfire and get back to him. L.A. may be the big city but our particular corner of it is like a small town, especially if you're talking about the close-knit fundie network. I know the chatter would reach his ears and the shit would hit the fucking fan. I'm worried just how badly it would set him off; perhaps to the point of no return.

 

Fuck. I don't know what to do. My girlfriend told me to fudge the truth for the sake of my brother. My brother isn't stupid but I have no idea what he knows. Were I to venture a guess, I would say he assumes I've gone into a state of "lukewarm" dormancy but still retain the basic fundie beliefs. Which is still enough to "pass through the gates of heaven smelling of smoke" as one old evangelist once said. I suspect he doesn't think I am now agnostic (or whatever) that is bound for an especially torturous level of hell for the grave, grave sin of apostasy.

 

Too many goddamn unknowns. If I could be assured that my brother wouldn't go into a catatonic stupor from the shock, I would have told him the truth by now. But I don't know what he knows, and I don't know how he would react if he discovered what I don't think that he doesn't know and... aw, fuck.

 

Is my girlfriend right?

 

Goddammit, why can't I just go to a fucking funeral without worrying about this fucking shit!!! Goddamn fucking fundies ruin everything!!!!!!!

 

Go to the funeral and pay your respects. When one zeros in on you, just tell him or her that your life is good. If he or she asks how your relationship is with God, or if you are on the right path with God, or anything else to do with God, just say everything in that part of your life is right where it needs to be, and don't leave any room for discussion. Excuse yourself, change the subject, or whatever, but don't elaborate. It's none of their business. You will be there for one reason, and it isn't for an expose of your belief system. If they persist in the subject, feel free to tell them that. You are under no obligation to fill them in on anything.

[CelticWhisper]

It's none of their business.

 

This.

 

A thousand times this.

 

It's the best answer that you can give and it immediately makes them into the bad guy for prying into someone's life when they've established that they're unwilling to discuss it. "Faith is a private matter, I'm keeping it private" should be all you need to say. It's not guaranteed to shut them up, but it makes the follow-up much easier. "Excuse me. I said I'm not willing to discuss it. If you can't respect that then I'm not going to converse with you anymore."

 

I'd just as soon come out with "Jesus can blow me" myself, but that's probably not the best thing to say at a funeral.

[HRDWarrior]

 

Go to the funeral and pay your respects. When one zeros in on you, just tell him or her that your life is good. If he or she asks how your relationship is with God, or if you are on the right path with God, or anything else to do with God, just say everything in that part of your life is right where it needs to be, and don't leave any room for discussion. Excuse yourself, change the subject, or whatever, but don't elaborate. It's none of their business. You will be there for one reason, and it isn't for an expose of your belief system. If they persist in the subject, feel free to tell them that. You are under no obligation to fill them in on anything.

 

 

I'd follow this advice to a "T." You may be pleasantly suprised, however, and realize that people really don't tend to assume we've changed - it's such a huge deal for us, but people can meet with us, chat with us, and never be the wiser. Simply ignoring their references to gawd and jesus and responding to the message of what they're saying leaves them clueless. I would guess that unless you give them good reason to question you, they probably won't. If they do, follow the above advice.

[ShallowByThyGame]

If they try to needle you just shrug and say "It's complicated" and walk away.

[Vomit Comet]

[Names have been changed]

 

Joe: "So, did you fuck him?"

 

Jane: "What!?"

 

Joe: "I said, did you fuck him? Yes or no."

 

Jane: "That's none of your business."

 

Joe: "So you fucked him, then."

 

Jane: "What!?!?! But...!?!"

 

Joe: "If you hadn't, you simply would have said 'no.' Basic human psychology."

 

Jane: *click* *dialtone*

 

[btw, while the above exchange really happened, I was not Joe. In case you were wondering.]

 

Well, the best case scenario is that I don't get interrogated by anybody. Or if I do, word doesn't get back to my little brother. Oh hell, there's an outside chance my little brother would actually show up, and then it would really be awkward. I'll try to be as proudly evasive as I can, but there's a fair chance the cat will escape the bag and that could spell trouble.

 

I've always had this pervasive fear that my brother might one day go bat-shit and jump out a 5th floor window or something. He's okay enough in an average month, but every once in a while he snaps and it ain't fucking pretty. I'm worried. This situation has rather worrying potential.

 

But I don't want to carry on like this forever. I would tell him the truth, or at least not bother to conceal it, if I could be sure it wouldn't destroy him. If I weren't so worried about him, I wouldn't be sweating this funeral business at all. In fact, I'd be getting a kick out of it, and would even be entertaining small, subtle ways to fuck with certain people I know will be there (like the senior pastor's daughter, a.k.a. my ex-girlfriend) and would be feeling like an asshole for it.

 

God damn... I really, really hope it's not as bad as I think it is.

 

I might talk to my dad. He's been irreligious since day one and was never in the cult; neither was my mom. I'll warn him as to what the worst case scenario might be.

[ClaraOlive]

If you really want to be non-confrontational, when someone approaches you, bow your head and say "I'm glad to see you and sorry, because I know it's been a long time, but right now I need some alone time to say my goodbyes to [the deceased]"- I'm assuming that you knew your friend's mother. Only a true asshole would interrupt someone's request for a mourning period.

[ShallowByThyGame]

'Did you fuck him?'

 

'Yes, but only in the church and when we could find a donkey.'

[Vomit Comet]

I got through to my friend's girlfriend. (The girlfriend of the guy whose mom died.) She happens to be agnostic. Even though they live 3,000 miles away from his family, she's started faking being born-again so that his family would stop bullying her. Apparently it was really bad, so she started faking it just so that they would lay off. She even goes to church with him, though only to be with him and to socialize. She doesn't believe one word of it. She said faking it is easy because she's from the South.

 

She said "yeah, I'd lie if I were you. That's what I'm going to be doing." There was a million things I wanted to say to her: "are you going to keep this up forever? What about if you have kids?" What a shitty way to live, pretending to be something you're not just so your live-in boyfriend's asshole family won't go out of their way to make your life miserable. Apparently the harassing phone calls and emotional blackmail (not just from my friend's brother and sister-in-law but from several non-relatives as well) was coming at a torrential pace for months on end and she finally just got sick of it. They bullied her into pretending for their sake. Well, I guess since they're 3,000 miles away, it's not so bad. But still, it's the goddamn principle of the thing.

 

Well, I could write so much more about this bizarre situation but I don't want to divulge too many incriminating details in case the wrong pair of eyes is out there reading this.

 

I still don't know what I should do. My girlfriend and my friend's girlfriend now both say "lie if you have to." I would only do it for the sake of my brother, were I to go that route. I just hope I can successfully evade being grilled in the first place. My interpersonal skills aren't very slick at all and I'm worried I'll fuck it up. These preacher types are experienced hustlers, you know. I feel like I'm preparing for some kind of battle.

 

Which is fucked up. I just want to be able to go to a funeral and pay my respects to a dear old woman. I shouldn't have to be sweating all this other shit, I really shouldn't. But here I am.

[belladonna]

VC, you are an adult. The God whom they worship supposedly gave us all free will, and this funeral is a good time to exercise it. Remember, it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. Your life is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. And if they harass you at a funeral, then they aren't as Christian and as God fearing as they make themselves out to be. You have every right to pay your respects in peace without being accosted, and you have the right to tell them that.

 

Just keep repeating to yourself IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS, and don't make yourself sick over it.

[Non-Redneck]

Just keep repeating to yourself IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS, and don't make yourself sick over it.

 

Yes, it is none of their business. But these are fundies we are talking about. What good is "none of their business" when they start harassing you? The options are telling them off, leaving the funeral or attacking them. None of which make VC's friend or VC look good.

 

VC,

 

I suppose you could always fake it by pretending to wonder about evil in the world and ask them for prayer. Maybe they'll leave you alone after they expel their breath.

[Vomit Comet]

The bottom line is that I'm worried about what will get back to my brother. I wouldn't be sweating this if it weren't for what could happen to him.

[Non-Redneck]

The bottom line is that I'm worried about what will get back to my brother. I wouldn't be sweating this if it weren't for what could happen to him.

 

If this the same brother that won't sleep at night due to fear of demonic attack, maybe pretending to be lukewarm domancy as you described is the best route.

[Puddinhead]

Vomit:

 

I really like the advice that you say "Faith is a private matter..." These people have a possibility to go wiggy on you and you don't want that at a funeral - for yourself or your mom (or the comfort level of your gf)

 

My concern is that you are so concerned about your brother's reaction. Ultimately, you have a choice. You can continue to lie about who you are to your brother, or you can be honest and face those consequences. From my experience, the truth always comes out. (Granted, this might not be the best time for the truth to come out...) But I think you want to think about ... how long you want to continue to lie about who you are. You aren't doing anything WRONG here. He's the one that (you assume, probably correctly) is going to have a freakout, disown you, call you names etc. You're just...being honest. You're not attacking him or anything. I hate to see you so emotionally distraught over someone who is basically being an emotional bully with you.

 

I'm the bible college dropout in my family. Both sisters are pastor's wives. I know something about being honest about who you are and having to deal with the fallout. And...let me tell you, it took me a few years to be honest with them too. Longer than two years, so you're ahead of me there. Once I ripped the bandaid off, it was better. Eventually I had to look at it in the cold light of day and realize that either I would be "me" around them or I would lie about who I was until I was an old lady. (And even then, did I really want a bunch of fake deathbed prayers?)

 

Best wishes to you. My advice is, get thru the funeral by using that wonderful line about faith being private and if they push "this isn't the time or place for this conversation." Then decide how to deal with your brother in your own time. Being a fundy, he won't let it rest. He'll push you to declare Jebus. They can't stand to let that one lie.

[Vomit Comet]

Mental health. Mental health. I've always harbored the fear that one day he'll snap so bad that he'll jump out of a 5th floor window or something equally bad. I don't know the probability of that happening but I've been avoiding taking that gamble for two long years. I just can't predict how he'd react. It could be the typical angry disappointment the rest of you are familiar with, or it could be... the worst. At this time I don't have enough information, I have no way of anticipating. But I've seen him snap before and it ain't pretty.

[Puddinhead]

Hon, I'm sorry your brother is that unstable. The thing is, *his* mental condition isn't your responsibility. And yet, if you said "the wrong thing" and he reacted badly, you'd blame yourself. How unfair is this situation? He can be honest with you about his view of god. He can even force his opinion on you. But if you are honest about your view, he may hurt himself?

 

Just act in love. Remind him you love him. Do nothing in anger and you'll have nothing to regret. If he goes psycho because you don't agree with him on an issue, it really isn't your fault. Deep down you know that.

 

He doesn't have power over you that you don't give to him. Have the Jesus discussion with him when YOU are ready. If you're not ready, it's perfectly fine to say "I don't want to talk about that with you now. We can talk about it later." Don't ask for permission ("Can we talk about this later?") You've been far more considerate of his feelings than he's been of yours. He can try to use guilt to control you, but ultimately, it's your fault if you let him.

[belladonna]

You know, VC, I became furious when I read about your brother's girlfriend having to fake believing just to make her life easier. It makes me sick that these people have to bully people into "belief".

 

I really do feel for you; let us know how it goes, ok?

[Vomit Comet]

A few things, to clarify:

 

- It is my best friend's mom that died. Not my mom or my brother's mom. My brother and I share the same mom, for he is not my half-brother; our mom is alive and well, and is as fit as a woman half her age. It is my best friend's mom that died, not our mom or my brother's mom.

 

- It is my best friend's girlfriend, not my brother's girlfriend, who pretends to be a believer even though she is an agnostic. It isn't because my best friend made her do it; he wouldn't have gotten with her in the first place if he was that much of an asshole. She's doing it so that my best friend's brother, sister-and-law, and his fundie associates from back in Los Angeles will stop harassing them (not just her, but her and him) over a distance of 3,000 miles. My best friend's brother is an AG pastor, and my best friend's sister-in-law is of course a pastor's wife (and a royal cunt of one; I still hate her myself even though it's been years).

 

- My family is non-religious, except for a cousin on my dad's side that I see once every three or four years. My parents dislike fundies and disapproved of my brother and I. I was converted when I was 15, and a few years later I converted my brother when I was about 9. My family had nothing to do with it. Therefore, they obviously would not be harassing anybody's girlfriend to pretend to be religious.

 

It is my best friend's family, not my family, who is fucking with my best friend and my best friend's girlfriend. It is not my family or anybody's family fucking with my brother's girlfriend.

 

- My brother hasn't been hassling me at all. We talk to each other maybe once every few months, even though he only lives a couple of hours away. (He remains in our hometown of L.A., whereas I've moved on to Las Vegas.) When we do talk, it doesn't come up. Well, he'll kind of put feelers out and I'll go silent or try to deflect it, but he hasn't tried to fuck with me over it, and he seems really hesitant to do any serious back-me-into-a-corner questioning. Perhaps he's afraid of what he'll hear, or perhaps he just doesn't want to fuck with his bro. Could be a bit of both, I don't know.

 

There is no emotional blackmail or harassment or anything like that on his part; I want to insist that he's been doing nothing of the sort. He doesn't fuck with me. But I think he's afraid to ask, and I have no idea what he suspects. Nor does he use his demon problem (refer to other threads such as "23 Minutes in Hell") to beat me over the head with. He'll allude to it whenever he sees me, perhaps to gauge my reaction (which is... awkward, to say the least), but that's about it.

 

- Those are the pertinent details that I hope everyone catches if they are to assess this situation.

[Vomit Comet]

The bottom line is that I'm worried about what will get back to my brother. I wouldn't be sweating this if it weren't for what could happen to him.

 

If this the same brother that won't sleep at night due to fear of demonic attack, maybe pretending to be lukewarm domancy as you described is the best route.

 

Yes, that is indeed him, my one and only sibling. I see that you fully understand what's going on. I'm not stating that your advice is correct and everyone else's advice is wrong, but you're the one who gets it.

[Vomit Comet]

You know, VC, I became furious when I read about your brother's girlfriend having to fake believing just to make her life easier. It makes me sick that these people have to bully people into "belief".

 

It's my best friend's girlfriend, not my brother's girlfriend. It is my best friend's mom who died. My own family isn't even religious, and with me having deconverted, my brother is the only fundie in the family aside from a cousin on my dad's side that I see once every couple of years.

 

But yes indeedy, it is fucked up. My best friend's brother is an Assemblies of God pastor (that's Sarah Palin's denomination, as I mentioned before), and his wife (my best friend's sister-in-law) is about the worst cunt of a pastor's wife you could ever care to meet. Some of his former friends that he left behind (he moved to the east coast where his girlfriend lives) also contributed to the long-distance harassment. Well, the 3,000 miles of distance helps, so she doesn't have to pretend that much. But the couple plans on moving to L.A. and they'll be in proximity of their inquisitors.

 

My best friend is still religious and goes to church every Sunday. But he's shacked up with his agnostic girlfriend and is fucking her regularly, and a few years ago he started believing in the theory of evolution. I think he's stuck on the fence and too shit-scared to make the jump like I have. But I haven't asked him; I go out of my way not to bring up the subject of religion with him, though I have talked about the matter in depth with his girlfriend, who has turned to me for advice regarding all this shit.

 

Also, here's one of the slightly fucked up things. My best friend's mom was never truly a fundie. He and his brother got her to go to church for a number of years but she got fed up and left, and I don't think she ever truly took a deep gulp of the Kool-Aid. She was just your typical laid back former biker chick of a California mom who used to tell her sons "you need to get laid." They're going to be laying on the fundie platitudes pretty goddamn thick atop her coffin. It's a little bit shitty, I think. But what can you do?

[belladonna]

Now that I have the story straight (still fairly new and still catching up - sorry).

 

I still feel for the girlfriend; I'm sure if they aren't married by the time they hit L.A., the pressure will be on. I'm with you; I think your best friend is at an impasse as to what to believe, but the fact that you don't pressure him to believe one way or the other shows you are a true friend, unlike the former "friends" who are still "preaching" (and obviously not practicing) the holy word. I guess just focus on paying your respects and being there to support him.

 

What more can you do?

[Vomit Comet]

I'm back!

 

Well, I survived, and it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, but neither am I in the clear just yet.

 

My girlfriend is from Italy and was born-and-raised an atheist. No godparents, no baptism, no first communion, none of that. But unlike here, in Italy a clear majority of folks don't give a shit. Even most of those who go to church at least somewhat regularly (30% of the population at the most) are pretty laid back. Maybe only 1/6 of those are anything like what we would consider a "fundamentalist." As my Italian boss (from Italy) once said, "here in America the priests feel all guilty about it and they get all weird, but back in Italy they just fuck the girl, they don't give a shit!"

 

So we pulled up to the church. I took a deep breath. "Here we go." "That's the church?" she asked. It was a utilitarian rectangular 70s building that had been built out of cinder blocks. "Yep." She had to go to the bathroom. "Inside the church." She was shocked. "Inside the church!?" "Yeah!"

 

Apparently in Italy, Catholic churches don't have bathrooms in the back of the sanctuary. "What if a guy had to take a shit real bad? Because sometimes it just hits you." She said you'd have to run to a store across the street or something. She thought it was really weird.

 

They were all there. Ex-girlfriend and her sister, her dad and mom (the senior pastor and pastor's wife of the church), my best friend and his older brother and his mean n' nasty wife, and 50 other fundies I used to know.

 

My girlfriend said that everybody kept staring at her wondering who she was. They all knew who I was.

 

It was a typical fundie funeral. They talked about her childhood and about the years when she was active in the church. Everything else was left out. There was a lot of missing backstory that I filled my girlfriend in about later and she remarked "there was so much hypocrisy in there!" Yep.

 

She found the service touching. She wasn't used to the informal nature or to all the emoting and teariness. And she thought of the senior pastor "he's not such a bad guy." He was officiating. She was thinking "this isn't so bad. This is kind of nice." But then...

 

...at the end the senior pastor preached a sermon. He stated that if you're an atheist your life has no meaning, that it can't possibly have any meaning. Then he went through the other major world religions and told why they were wrong (and stupid) and why Christianity was right. And that Christianity is the only one backed up by proof (the Bible, of course). Then he talked about how if you weren't fully on board by Assembly of God standards you were going to roast in hell. He said "hell is far worse than the flames. The flames you think about don't even begin to describe how terrible it is, and it's for all eternity." And then the capper: "the most important thing that [friend's mom] ever did in her entire life happened exactly one week ago, when she went before the throne of God and [blah blah blah]."

 

This shocked and offended the shit out of my girlfriend. She told me so after we left and I said "I bet you get it now, don't you?" She indeed did.

 

When the funeral was over, I had to make the rounds and start schmoozing. During the eulogy certain people's names were called and they were told to stand up. My name was called. When I stood up, a loud murmur swept through the crowd. Apparently people had been wondering where the fuck I'd been. I was like "well, so much for being a shadow." Now that Sunday morning has come and gone the news has probably made the rounds for miles around, and they're probably wondering who the fuck the "foreigner girl" was.

 

I don't mean to sound so self-absorbed. I'm just giving the play-by-play as to how this went down, per the concerns expressed upthread.

 

So I had to start schmoozing. First I talked to my former youth pastor's wife. Apparently, he had to be at work. Which was a relief, because out of everyone I was expecting to see, he would have been the one to most aggressively question me and get to the bottom of things. As in, taken me aside so he could talk to me privately for twenty minutes, that's what we're talking. She said "what's your phone number?" I said "he has it." She said "okay, I'll have him call you." Fuck!!!

 

Worse yet, I found out that he calls my brother at least once a month to check up on him. So whatever slip-up I make would immediately get relayed to my brother. (I know how the guy operates.) So I have to finesse my way through it when he calls. (Oh, and he will.)

 

Here's the part that really made me feel like shit. His wife said "I still share your testimony with people, to this day. You have the most awesome testimony." I felt like the biggest fucking asshole that ever walked the earth. I just nodded my head and looked thankful.

 

My ex-girlfriend was looking pretty hot. She lost a lot of weight, got an up-to-date hairstyle, was wearing this incredible black suit with knee-high black boots, and... wow! So I told my girlfriend later "well, I know who I'll be thinking about the next time I jack off." *heh heh heh* Good thing she didn't have anything sharp.

 

A few people were like "where've you been? You need to visit us more!" I said "eh, I can't leave Vegas so much these days. I hardly ever set foot in L.A. anymore. [True.] And then I'm overseas and everything." [Also true.] Kept it nice and vague.

 

The senior pastor didn't hassle me any. Although my friend's brother's wife (the mean one) was giving me the evil eye. She insistently invited me to church tomorrow. I begged off, but I could tell she was testing me. She was giving my girlfriend this ultra-suspicious, borderline-homicidal look the whole time.

 

So we got out of there.

 

Well, on our way back to Las Vegas we stopped where my friend was staying (it was on the way). His brother was there but thankfully his mean n' nasty wife was somewhere else. We didn't get much chance to talk. Then we left. He started talking about church and I was like "uh oh, here it comes." Then he said "what church are you going to now in Las Vegas?" Without skipping a beat I said "eh, I'm in between churches right now. Thinking about checking out this mega-church. You know, something for everybody." He was satisfied with the answer. Then we left.

 

Well, I only had to lie once. And it was a small lie. I knew the "in between churches" would throw him off the scent. Hopefully he won't keep sniffing. However, he regards this as a "reconnection" so I think he's going to start calling me now. Shit.

 

I know for sure the former youth pastor is going to call me at least once, for sure. He'll question me for the better part of an hour and in particular he'll ask who the fuck the "foreign woman" was.

 

I know my appearance must have made the gossip rounds in record time. Los Angeles may be a big fucking city but when it's fundie-ville we're talking about, it feels like a small town. Especially since fundies are so few and far between in the City of Angels. Hopefully I can fade back into obscurity, and hopefully the ones doing the chattering keep it at just that and they don't try to pick up my trail.

 

As for my brother, I explained the whole thing to my girlfriend. She said I should look into getting him help. I said "there's nothing I can do. I can't make him get help. My family has tried." I tried to explain to her the laws about that (she seemed to think we could easily force him to be helped, and that a lawyer would know about some loophole that we could exploit) here in America but she couldn't understand. She said I should at least look up some information. She insists that there are specialists who know how to handle mentally ill religious delusions (demons and shit) and religious cult type stuff. I said I would be willing to talk to such a person if I can find one. Anybody got any ideas?

 

Her brother back in Italy is a psychologist and she said she would talk to him. So I explained the whole Assemblies of God thing and the whole "spiritual warfare/demonology/bat-shit Pentecostal" thing to her in as much detail as I could. She said it was like "a horrible science fiction movie." I said "yup, welcome to my former life." So I ran the whole story by her and she's going to talk to her brother about it. But I have no idea what could be done. God dammit, I don't want to live to see my brother jump out of a fifth floor window because the demons drove him to it. God fucking dammit!!!

 

So there it is in a nutshell. I'd go into much more detail but I'm short on time.

[Vigile]

So we pulled up to the church. I took a deep breath. "Here we go." "That's the church?" she asked. It was a utilitarian rectangular 70s building that had been built out of cinder blocks. "Yep." She had to go to the bathroom. "Inside the church." She was shocked. "Inside the church!?" "Yeah!"

 

Ha ha. When my mother cornered my Russian wife and got her to agree that she and I attend service when we visited a few years ago to 'meet their friends' my wife had the same reaction. My parents went to some non denom church held in a HS basketball auditorium. My wife was flabbergasted. To her, this is church: