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Goodbye Jesus

Marital Dilemma


agjohnson

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I've finally decided to come crawling out of the woodwork and post something.

 

I converted to Christianity after a deep "spiritual" experience at a youth group in 1999. After that I was very involved with my church. I ran sound equipment for two youth groups, as well as on Sunday mornings. At that time I was also involved in a long-distance relationship with a fundamentalist Christian, who was ecstatic to hear of my conversion and she was ecstatic to hear of my conversion.

 

In 2000 I moved to Phoenix, AZ and got married in 2001 at the age of 19. We both felt at the time that it was God's will that we get married. We felt we were destined for each other. Over the years, however, we have both struggled with our marriage. I have always been a bit more liberal and fun-loving. I'm more of a socially oriented person in that I have an extensive group of friends and am involved in several artistic groups. My wife's idea of fun always has been sitting around at home and working on creative projects by herself. My idea of fun is going to the lake with friends and water skiing, or singing with the Phoenix Symphony. This caused a great deal of strain early on because I was out of the house several nights a week. I'm also pretty physically active, while she definitely is not.

 

In 2006 our son was born. I must say it took me a couple years to get used to having a kid, but now I love being a dad with my whole heart and cannot imagine a life without him. Around that time I also started a business that put a lot of financial strain on our family, as well as was working 60-80 hours a week. We lived with her parents in a seperate house on their property, but I always got along well with her parents. Much better in fact than with my own. At that time we were dirt poor, but life was OK.

 

Flash forward a couple years. I sold my business in 2008, which resulted in a nice chunk of change, and got a more steady job as an IT Infrastructure manager (making quite a decent salary). By now my wife's lack of ambition in life was starting to grate on me. She had been working for her parents for 10 years and still did not have a college degree and was making almost the same amount of money in 2008 as she did in 1999. 2008 was also a hard year because her father, whom I got along great with, passed away from spinal melanoma. Both of my wife's parents were fundamentalists Christians and they prayed vigorously for a healing. I did research online early on and new his chance of survival was below 10%. I prayed for healing, but maintained a realistic outlook. He died a terrible, painful death 9 months after his diagnosis. Even when he died, I was still a staunch believer. When my wife's mother wondered why he hadn't been healed, I pointed to the words of Paul for comfort, where he states he cried out to God for healing and yet was not healed (Corinthians 12:7).

 

In June of 2009 I noticed while driving to church one day that I was not a believer anymore. I had no idea how I had gotten to that point, I just knew I no longer believed. The thought was devastating and I put it out of my mind for a couple months. In August it hit me again and I decided that my lack of belief was a result of a lack of involvement in my church. I immediately signed up for a men's retreat, where I received absolutely no comfort. I cried out to God for something, anything to cling to. I dove back into the music ministry and quickly became one of the most reliable and most devoted technicians the church had. I continuously prayed for a renewal of my faith and my relationship with Jesus.

 

I started to openly embrace my doubts in October of last year and got interested in apologetics. Having always had a skeptical and scientific mind, I rapidly lost what remained of my faith (most apologetics books are just incredibly bad). After making absolutely sure of what I believed, I finally broke the news to my wife and her mother in January. Both of them took it very hard. Since my wife's father passed away, both had been relying more and more on their faith for everything in their lives.

 

I still love my wife, but in the recent years the only thing we had in common was our faith and our wonderful son. At this point in our lives are completely separate and on two separate paths. I feel so completely and utterly stupid at times for making such an important decision (marriage) when I was just 19 and had hormones in full swing. If we had no children, the choice would be clear, but now with a child in the mix it is so completely complicated.

 

What bothers me most is looking forward. I'm always one to think 5-10 years down the line, and in this case my future scares me. I absolutely hate the thought of spending another 10 years in a relationship that I feel is ultimately doomed. As much as I hate that thought though, the thought of what divorce might do to my son is even more terrifying to me. I love him so much that the thought of hurting his life for my happiness just kills me.

 

Ultimately the question boils down to this: Stick with the commitment I made when I was 19 and continue living with a spouse that I have nothing in common with, or break my commitment and let my son down.

 

If only I could just choose to believe again. Thank you for listening.

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I still love my wife, but in the recent years the only thing we had in common was our faith and our wonderful son. At this point in our lives are completely separate and on two separate paths. I feel so completely and utterly stupid at times for making such an important decision (marriage) when I was just 19 and had hormones in full swing. If we had no children, the choice would be clear, but now with a child in the mix it is so completely complicated.

 

What bothers me most is looking forward. I'm always one to think 5-10 years down the line, and in this case my future scares me. I absolutely hate the thought of spending another 10 years in a relationship that I feel is ultimately doomed. As much as I hate that thought though, the thought of what divorce might do to my son is even more terrifying to me. I love him so much that the thought of hurting his life for my happiness just kills me.

 

Ultimately the question boils down to this: Stick with the commitment I made when I was 19 and continue living with a spouse that I have nothing in common with, or break my commitment and let my son down.

 

If only I could just choose to believe again. Thank you for listening.

You are not making decisions in a vacuum. This might backfire, but I think you need to discuss this with your wife and perhaps go to counselling. Just like with religion, if the only solution is leaving, it will be obvious, but make the effort first.

 

I had an awful marriage for a long time, went to counselling, and regretted it. We divorced, and I paid child support. I should have raised the kid. I'm glad I gave it some effort, but it became clear there was not a marriage left.

 

So try, even if your heart isn't in it. You will be glad you did even if the marriage fails.

 

Oh, and never trust advice you get over the internet.

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You are not making decisions in a vacuum. This might backfire, but I think you need to discuss this with your wife and perhaps go to counselling. Just like with religion, if the only solution is leaving, it will be obvious, but make the effort first.

 

I had an awful marriage for a long time, went to counselling, and regretted it. We divorced, and I paid child support. I should have raised the kid. I'm glad I gave it some effort, but it became clear there was not a marriage left.

 

So try, even if your heart isn't in it. You will be glad you did even if the marriage fails.

 

Oh, and never trust advice you get over the internet.

 

But that nice Nigerian banker said I would get my money right away!

 

More than anything it is just getting it out there. I have great friends that I rely on, but it is becoming increasingly obvious that we are going to need to see a counselor. I just dread making that statement and I fear causing more harm than good by admitting to her that I'm questioning our marriage.

 

Irrational fears, I know.

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Oops, still getting used to how the quoting works. Too bad there isn't an edit button.

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Thank you for sharing your story agjohnson. My condolences on the loss of your father-in-law. It must have been very difficult to witness.

 

Caveat here - I am the last one to want to give advice on marital problems, having been divorced myself. Still, it seems like you are describing and extrovert/introvert relationship between yourself and your wife. Basic personality differences. Her activities seem to be things she likes to do by herself, whereas you like to be out and about. That is what struck me while reading your story. Have you and your wife ever taken the Myers-Briggs test? Just curious.

 

I think the suggestion to have some counseling is worthwhile, as I see that you also do. Even if your wife will not participate, it is possible your view of the future might change, and it might help you.

 

If I am too intrusive or not helpful, please disregard.

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Your story sounds very similar to my own, except I'm the wife. My husband and I also got married when we were 18 & 19, in 2000. We believed it was what god *wanted* and was the right thing to do. We were actively involved in church together, I have never had much ambition (other than having children), my husband started his own business and we had our first child in 2006. My husband lost his faith late 2006/2007. I took a while longer but finally admitted to myself that I no longer believed last year sometime.

 

My husband and I have always had our problems but we do have much in common, get on well together and enjoy each other's company. We need some relationship counselling and are looking into it. It's worth a shot that's for sure.

 

I'm not going to give you any advice really other than to say, don't give up on your marriage just yet. I think you could do with sitting down and talking to your wife about your difficulties and feelings (which would probably be easier through relationship counselling) and give her time to get used to your recent news about your loss of faith before you go making any final decisions.

 

Best of luck and sorry that you're having to deal with so much all at once. The loss of a loved one, the loss of your faith and marriage difficulties is a great deal to be going through all at once.

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More than anything it is just getting it out there. I have great friends that I rely on, but it is becoming increasingly obvious that we are going to need to see a counselor. I just dread making that statement and I fear causing more harm than good by admitting to her that I'm questioning our marriage.

 

Irrational fears, I know.

Dichotomy's advice was good. It was what I was trying to say.

 

Wonderful that you have friends, they are lifesavers literally.

 

You know, it may be overly optomistic, but have you considered that maybe your wife would consider changing in some way if she knew you were changing?

 

Warning, potentially bad advice:

 

You might talk to her about religion and explain your new position (if you haven't). She may surprize you one way or another, and perhaps it might be the reason for the counselling, and bring any other differences to the fore. It might be easier than saying, "I'm not sure I still love you." The euphemism for that is "drifting away."

 

End Warning.

 

Man, I really feel for you no matter how this turns out.

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Man, that's heart-wrenching! I wish I had something to say that would help.

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Dichotomy's advice was good. It was what I was trying to say.

 

Wonderful that you have friends, they are lifesavers literally.

 

You know, it may be overly optomistic, but have you considered that maybe your wife would consider changing in some way if she knew you were changing?

 

Warning, potentially bad advice:

 

You might talk to her about religion and explain your new position (if you haven't). She may surprize you one way or another, and perhaps it might be the reason for the counselling, and bring any other differences to the fore. It might be easier than saying, "I'm not sure I still love you." The euphemism for that is "drifting away."

 

End Warning.

 

Man, I really feel for you no matter how this turns out.

 

 

My wife and I never used to talk about our faith in any meaningful way. We just were Christians. She's never been one to really understand the "why's" behind something, so before now she has never spent any time researching why she believed what she believed. After the first couple conversations where I brought up some really good points, she started diving in to books and doing tons of research. In this point I am very proud of her. She is using this opportunity to find out why she believes what she believes. I'm not certain she is really open to changing her viewpoint, but at least she's doing the research and won't be one of those Christians who knows nothing about her faith.

 

The church I go to has several pastors that I respect very much. They all tend to embrace doubt and encourage their flock to deeply understand what it is that they believe and why. For the time being I'm still attending service and we have a meeting with one of the pastors after service this Sunday. If all goes well, we can either continue to see this counselor or go to see a more neutral/secular counselor.

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Dichotomy's advice was good. It was what I was trying to say.

 

Wonderful that you have friends, they are lifesavers literally.

 

You know, it may be overly optomistic, but have you considered that maybe your wife would consider changing in some way if she knew you were changing?

 

Warning, potentially bad advice:

 

You might talk to her about religion and explain your new position (if you haven't). She may surprize you one way or another, and perhaps it might be the reason for the counselling, and bring any other differences to the fore. It might be easier than saying, "I'm not sure I still love you." The euphemism for that is "drifting away."

 

End Warning.

 

Man, I really feel for you no matter how this turns out.

 

 

My wife and I never used to talk about our faith in any meaningful way. We just were Christians. She's never been one to really understand the "why's" behind something, so before now she has never spent any time researching why she believed what she believed. After the first couple conversations where I brought up some really good points, she started diving in to books and doing tons of research. In this point I am very proud of her. She is using this opportunity to find out why she believes what she believes. I'm not certain she is really open to changing her viewpoint, but at least she's doing the research and won't be one of those Christians who knows nothing about her faith.

 

The church I go to has several pastors that I respect very much. They all tend to embrace doubt and encourage their flock to deeply understand what it is that they believe and why. For the time being I'm still attending service and we have a meeting with one of the pastors after service this Sunday. If all goes well, we can either continue to see this counselor or go to see a more neutral/secular counselor.

Ah, so she does have some spunk!

 

Best of luck as you travel down this road.

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After the first couple conversations where I brought up some really good points, she started diving in to books and doing tons of research. In this point I am very proud of her. She is using this opportunity to find out why she believes what she believes.

Knowing what I know now from having gone through the "digging" process myself, there are only a couple of ways a Christian can get real respect (As opposed to simple politeness.) from me, and that's one of them. Most of the members on this site took that road and can attest to how difficult and frightening it can be. Whether I agree with the conclusions of such a Christian or not, one thing I cannot do is call them a liar about how important their religion is to them, since they clearly stepped up to their responsibilities and took hold of the hard stuff. I'll always listen respectfully to such a Christian because they've earned that respect.

 

I would think that it would also be a hopeful indicator about the future of your marriage. If she's willing to step up and wrestle with the tough stuff about the religion, why would she not do the same with your relationship? Some people truly can't deal with that stuff and some simply won't deal with it. Willingness is the one indispensable quality that must be present for growth and change.

 

The church I go to has several pastors that I respect very much. They all tend to embrace doubt and encourage their flock to deeply understand what it is that they believe and why.

I hope you know how rare that is.

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Hey, people from all sides have the same problems, huh?

 

I've always been the guy whose luck leaked out the bucket. Several jobs I've lost or given up because of my religious views (evangelical conservative zealot). My wife and I have been together now for 32 years. We adopted foster kids in '05. I was the one to be a zealot and sort'of drag her along, using the "word" as a kind'of whipping post. Then my faith went to crap. But I did not exactly abandon it so things in that area were ok. Then I became Buddhist and that bothered my wife a lot. She didn't like my little "false god" statue. Recently I've admitted to being atheist. She likes that less.

 

The point is that even though we might have troubles here and there we are friends as well as spouses and we respect each other. In that way we work together on stuff, especially the kids, and we allow space. Our relationship works. I hope yours can too. Kids are tough, they can handle most anything if they understand and are treated like people and given explanations. We all teach each other how to get along. Anyway, if you've a good over-all relationship the differences in belief should not be the single thing to split you.

 

The important thing is that neither of you try to convert or de-convert the other. The only way to prove a faith works or a non-faith life works is to live it. In time if your life is good and you are honest and etc., as a non-believer she'll respect you even if she disagrees with you. And for your part you can allow her to believe. There is security in belief, you know. I would not try to de-convert my wife because I do not want her to fear or be insecure. She could not re-convert me, of course, if she tried. She won't try.

 

Anyway, hope my words make sense.

 

Oh, by the way, I think my world of faith started crashing for good the night my dad died. God just did not listen. I was really pissed at the world and began to realize how ridiculous all the promises and the begging I did before he died were. It was a long road after that, though. Ten years, until mom withered away from Cancer and I sat with her day after day seeing how fruitless her faith was and that of my siblings. It was book ends, my dad's death started the slide and my mom's ended it almost ten years to the day later. These things have a way of flipping switches, don't they?

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Just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from. I also got married at 19 and know now that I was in no position to make such an important decision at such a young age. And I was a mature 19 - still, looking back, I wish I would have waited. At the time it seemed like the best decision ever - out of my parents house and on my own. And being imeshed in church at the time and having a physical relationship (oh the horrors! LOL!) made it seem like I didn't really have any other options. I was "soiled goods" and wouldn't ever be able to marry a good person since I wasn't a virgin, and I was already "married in god's eyes" so I didn't see any other options really. Oh fundamentalism - how I don't miss you! LOL!

 

What really stinks is that my husband is a really great guy. He treats me better than anybody has ever treated me in my life. But we have nothing in common. He's not interested in anything I'm interested in, and I'm not interested in anything he's interested in. I love to travel, he'd rather stay home and never go anywhere. I've gone a few places without him but it makes me feel like a heel to leave him home, even though he doesn't want to go. I've tried to make myself take an interest in some of his hobbies, but I just find them so boring. I have been trying to figure out what I was going to do myself. It would absolutely devastate him if I were to leave. And I'm not in a horrible situation so just having "nothing in common" seems like a crappy reason to abandon the last 19 years and tear apart the world of my two kids. But I keep thinking, can I live with this for the rest of my life? I don't even want another relationship, I just want to be on my own where I can do what I want without worrying every day how it's going to affect somebody else.

 

Right now I'm the non-Christian. My husband is a very liberal christian though and does not believe that christianity is the only right way. He just considers his beliefs the things he's chosen to believe in, but nobody else has to believe the same way. So he's fine with me not being a christian so at least that isn't a contention between us.

 

So no answers from me, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone and let you know that it helped me just a tiny bit to know that somebody else in the world is going through what I am.

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