Letter To My Parents

[Seeking]

(See this post, and this one too, if you care to read my backstory.)

 

Having recently deconverted, I am finding myself to be more and more sensitive to the religious dialogue my parents are always desperate to engage in. Seriously, every time I talk to them or get e-mail from them, there is talk of God, how wondrous he is, how wretched we are, etc, etc. Etc. I just received a package from my mom with a book on the doctrines of grace. Last week I received a gift subscription to a devotional magazine. They frequently ask me about church and Bible studies. It is getting harder for me to talk my way around these topics without revealing my horrendous (to them) secret.

 

For a while, I thought I should try to hide this truth about myself until the day they die, to spare them the heartache they will undoubtedly feel at the thought that their daughter is going to burn in hell. However, I no longer think this stress is worth it.

 

Therefore, I have written a letter that I'm considering sending to them. I don't know if I should. I don't know for sure what the extent of the fall-out will be. I live 1000+ miles away from my parents, but they are coming to visit me in two weeks. I don't know what the best timing is. I just don't know.

 

Anyhow, here's the letter. If you feel so inclined, critique it! Dish out any advice you might have in this regard. I could use some input! Thanks.

 

~~~

 

Dear Mom and Dad,

 

It is with much trepidation that I begin to compose this letter to you. I’ve been debating for a long time whether to share this information with you. On the one hand, honesty is the best policy, and it pains me every time I have to lie or deceive you in order to hide this part of me. On the other hand, I know that what I’ve been hiding will cause you a lot of pain, and I have wanted to spare you that. However, I have come to realize that it is unfair to me and to you for me to continue with this pretense. I need for you to know this side of me in order for you to know *me*.

 

I am not a Christian. In fact, I am completely irreligious. Call me agnostic, or even atheist, if you will. I began to struggle with doubt when I was a teenager, though I did not fully come to accept what I knew to be true until about 6 months ago. Through the years of doubt, I have kept up the façade, trying desperately to believe or – failing that – to cover up my disbelief.

 

I often felt like I was going insane with all of the doubts that were swirling around in my head. I talked to pastor after pastor about my problems with God, and I even saw a couple of church counselors. I prayed and begged God for faith. I read countless books on grace and the mercies of God. I threw myself into Bible studies. But the more I read and learned and prayed, the more quickly the last vestiges of belief were stripped away from me.

 

My whole life as a Christian, I was under the impression that all atheists and agnostics are rebellious, God-hating people. I assumed that everyone *knew* God existed, but those heathens decided they wanted to live their evil lives not in compliance with God's gracious word, so they shook their fists at the sky and shouted, "I deny you!" to a weeping God.

 

As a Christian, it never occurred to me that, perhaps, they truly, honestly, simply found no evidence to support the idea that there was a god. It wasn't a matter of turning their backs on the God they secretly knew was there, in order to pursue their sinful lifestyle of choice; it was that when they searched the Bible or the heavens or their soul for confirmation, they found...nothing.

 

I don’t claim to have all of life’s answers, and there are still many things I’m seeking to learn and understand about myself and the world around me, but I do know this: I cannot go back. I feel like a child who has just learned that Santa Clause is not real. I feel a little betrayed, sad, and disillusioned, but there is no way I can choose to believe again, just as I did not choose to disbelieve.

 

I want you to understand one thing: I am the same daughter you have known for the last 36 years, and I love you very much. Nothing about me has changed for the worse. My morals are unchanged. My relationship to my husband is unchanged. I am still a loving wife and daughter. I am still a loyal, hard worker. And I am actually a much more compassionate person now toward my fellow human beings.

 

I wanted to keep this letter short and just give you a glimpse into my journey, to help you see that this was not a decision that I made impetuously – in fact, it was not a decision at all, but a realization I fought hard to avoid.

 

I love you.

[Kathlene]

Seeking,

 

That is a beautiful, poignant letter. Very touching. I am sure if you send it your parents will thank you for your honesty and truthfulness. It is so much better to live what you feel and believe in the open. Well done. I hope it goes well for you. It certainly gave me a lot to think about.

[Guest danny64]

(See this post, and this one too, if you care to read my backstory.)

 

Having recently deconverted, I am finding myself to be more and more sensitive to the religious dialogue my parents are always desperate to engage in. Seriously, every time I talk to them or get e-mail from them, there is talk of God, how wondrous he is, how wretched we are, etc, etc. Etc. I just received a package from my mom with a book on the doctrines of grace. Last week I received a gift subscription to a devotional magazine. They frequently ask me about church and Bible studies. It is getting harder for me to talk my way around these topics without revealing my horrendous (to them) secret.

 

For a while, I thought I should try to hide this truth about myself until the day they die, to spare them the heartache they will undoubtedly feel at the thought that their daughter is going to burn in hell. However, I no longer think this stress is worth it.

 

Therefore, I have written a letter that I'm considering sending to them. I don't know if I should. I don't know for sure what the extent of the fall-out will be. I live 1000+ miles away from my parents, but they are coming to visit me in two weeks. I don't know what the best timing is. I just don't know.

 

Anyhow, here's the letter. If you feel so inclined, critique it! Dish out any advice you might have in this regard. I could use some input! Thanks.

 

~~~

 

Dear Mom and Dad,

 

It is with much trepidation that I begin to compose this letter to you. I’ve been debating for a long time whether to share this information with you. On the one hand, honesty is the best policy, and it pains me every time I have to lie or deceive you in order to hide this part of me. On the other hand, I know that what I’ve been hiding will cause you a lot of pain, and I have wanted to spare you that. However, I have come to realize that it is unfair to me and to you for me to continue with this pretense. I need for you to know this side of me in order for you to know *me*.

 

I am not a Christian. In fact, I am completely irreligious. Call me agnostic, or even atheist, if you will. I began to struggle with doubt when I was a teenager, though I did not fully come to accept what I knew to be true until about 6 months ago. Through the years of doubt, I have kept up the façade, trying desperately to believe or – failing that – to cover up my disbelief.

 

I often felt like I was going insane with all of the doubts that were swirling around in my head. I talked to pastor after pastor about my problems with God, and I even saw a couple of church counselors. I prayed and begged God for faith. I read countless books on grace and the mercies of God. I threw myself into Bible studies. But the more I read and learned and prayed, the more quickly the last vestiges of belief were stripped away from me.

 

My whole life as a Christian, I was under the impression that all atheists and agnostics are rebellious, God-hating people. I assumed that everyone *knew* God existed, but those heathens decided they wanted to live their evil lives not in compliance with God's gracious word, so they shook their fists at the sky and shouted, "I deny you!" to a weeping God.

 

As a Christian, it never occurred to me that, perhaps, they truly, honestly, simply found no evidence to support the idea that there was a god. It wasn't a matter of turning their backs on the God they secretly knew was there, in order to pursue their sinful lifestyle of choice; it was that when they searched the Bible or the heavens or their soul for confirmation, they found...nothing.

 

I don’t claim to have all of life’s answers, and there are still many things I’m seeking to learn and understand about myself and the world around me, but I do know this: I cannot go back. I feel like a child who has just learned that Santa Clause is not real. I feel a little betrayed, sad, and disillusioned, but there is no way I can choose to believe again, just as I did not choose to disbelieve.

 

I want you to understand one thing: I am the same daughter you have known for the last 36 years, and I love you very much. Nothing about me has changed for the worse. My morals are unchanged. My relationship to my husband is unchanged. I am still a loving wife and daughter. I am still a loyal, hard worker. And I am actually a much more compassionate person now toward my fellow human beings.

 

I wanted to keep this letter short and just give you a glimpse into my journey, to help you see that this was not a decision that I made impetuously – in fact, it was not a decision at all, but a realization I fought hard to avoid.

 

I love you.

that is a good letter. all of it. like you, i considered keeping it to myself. spare them, etc. my father is a preacher, c of c. its kind of a big deal. but my exwife outed me to them actually before our divorce. so now i wonder if i should say or write anything to them. my mother recently sent me a letter on the subject. in it she blamed herself for my being "lost". that she was too hard on me, etc. i need to write her back. i think i will say the truth...they were great parents. they were. sure, looking back i wish a few things had been different. wish i could have gone to the evil school dances. wish they would not have acted like sex was such a dirty thing. but overall, parenting is difficult, and i think they did a fine job. and one other thing they taught me...two actually. to read and to think. and that led me here. anyway, i dont know about the timing thing on your letter. maybe wait until after their visit? that's a tough call.

[dB-Paradox]

That's one well worded and very respectful letter. You have radiated love in that letter, and I don't think you could have been more caring. Good luck with everything!

[Crazycatlady]

That is an excellently written letter. I'd like to echo Danny's suggestion of waiting until after the visit though, or towards the end of their visit, perhaps.

[Scorpion]

Ulike others here, I support sending the letter before they come to visit you. That letter is gonna raise alot of questions, it's better to be in a position where you can answer them quickly, before any misconceptions take root.

 

Besides, if your parents are as religious as you say, during their visit, the theme of religion WILL come up. If you choose to send the letter after their visit, that means you'll have to pretend you're still a xtian while they're there. So they spend a marvellous time with you, they get home and they recieve a letter from you saying: "BTW, I'm an atheist and I've been one for 6 months." What does that say about you've spent together with them? I dunno about you, but I would've felt a little bit cheated...

 

Ideally, if I was in your place (which I'm not), I'd tell them personally, full frontal honesty. But to each his own. However, I strongly sugest sending the letter before the visit, for reasons stated above.

 

Godspeed!

Gonçalo "Scorpion" Prôa

[FreeLily]

That is an awesome letter, thanks for sharing it!

 

I am currently in about 100'th draft of a similar letter I eventually will send my parents. Yours is way better than mine -- you say so many things that ring true, would you mind if I incorporated some of your points? Especially this:

 

My whole life as a Christian, I was under the impression that all atheists and agnostics are rebellious, God-hating people. I assumed that everyone *knew* God existed, but those heathens decided they wanted to live their evil lives not in compliance with God's gracious word, so they shook their fists at the sky and shouted, "I deny you!" to a weeping God.

 

That is exactly the way my parents see me. I'm a happily married professional with a job I love, I own a modest home, my health is stable, I even go to church! (UU) But all they can see is a strong-willed child who is making Jesus weep, and them along with Him.

 

It makes me really sad, because they are otherwise fun, interesting people and Christianity is preventing us from having a functional adult relationship.

 

I commiserate with you...

[FourDogBrewing]

Damn, that is a fantastic letter.

 

I wish I had composed a letter like that. Instead I have had to tell my parents pretty much up front about my changing beliefs. Something such as that letter would have been much more elegant and well thought out.

 

I think it is outstanding, it is understanding, explanatory, and thoughtful.

 

Good job, I wouldn't hesitate to show it to them one day.

[★ Citsonga ★]

Seeking, that is a very warm and thoughtfully articulated letter. Good job.

 

Only one line stood out to me as something I would recommend slightly rewording:

 

I talked to pastor after pastor about my problems with God, and I even saw a couple of church counselors.

 

Some christians would take that as almost an admission that you are the one with the problems (when in reality the problems are with the religion). Your parents may not take it that way, but I thought I'd give you a heads-up regarding how some might would take it. (One easy change would be to simply drop the word "my" and let it read, "I talked to pastor after pastor about problems with God, and I even saw a couple of church counselors.")

 

But again, other than that, the letter is very good. If you get the courage to give it to them, we'll all want to hear how they reacted.

[dB-Paradox]

Your letter, Seeking, was so well written and so sincere, that I decided to write a letter of my own. It ended up taking two pages on MS word. If anyone would like to read it, I'll paste it below. Thanks for the inspiration, Seeking!

 

Dear family,

 

I want to write a letter to clarify where I stand on religious issues, particularly with Christianity. I feel it would be best to write such a letter, since I am not good with conveying my emotions and thoughts verbally, plus I will have the opportunity to get everything out without interruptions. Writing a letter also gets the point across undiluted. I fear that if I try to verbally express myself, I will not get the chance to be fully heard. I want to keep this letter brief, but detailed. This is going to be hard to do, because I love you all and don't want to hurt anyone.

 

As you all know, I have left the Christian faith. I’ve denounced all that I once had believed to be true. I haven’t done so out of disrespect for the Christian faith, nor anyone still deeply passionate in it. I did so for me. To be true to myself. Because over the last four years or more, I’ve had feelings and doubts about Christianity and its doctrine that I could no longer ignore or justify. I felt a strong conviction to investigate these doubts on a very serious and objective level, and eventually found answers which were very scary at first.

 

At first, I resisted these answers, trying to muster up enough faith to conquer any doubts. I prayed and prayed, and asked for help from the church. I also asked *my wife* if she could get people to pray for me, because I was too ashamed to admit what I was experiencing. I have likened it to someone realizing and admitting that they are gay. But eventually, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I contacted *pastor* and asked for help. He came over to the house and we talked for over an hour. He admitted not having all the answers to my questions, but would pass along my concerns to *another church member*, since many of the questions seemed to fit his expertise. *Church member* was busy at the time, but we did converse via email a bit, and it was his email that shook the foundations of Christianity. In one of his emails to me, he stated, “Fundamentalism implies an uninformed literalism in Bible interpretation that I work hard at squeezing out of my students at Bible college…” In other words, the bible is not meant to be taken literally (parts of it anyway). At this point in my quest for truth, I was still unsure of many things. But this email made me think.

 

I continued to search for the truth, rather than simply believe in what I had always been told. I wanted to have faith, but not blind faith. I still believed in God, and asked that he reveal himself to me in a very real and tangible way. There are three monotheistic faiths, and all claim to have the one true God who is the creator of all. I needed to know for sure that this physical universe was the work of Jesus Christ, who Christians believe is Yahweh. But no matter how hard I prayed, no matter how much I cried, no god ever manifested himself to me and confirmed that I should continue to have faith in Jesus. It may sound like an unrealistic request, but if God is real and created this physical world, and if God truly is omnipotent, then it could be done, even if just to save one lost soul. Needless to say, it hasn't happened. And I don't believe it ever will. Because I believe God is real only in our hearts and minds. God didn't create us. We created God.

 

 

I can only image that at this point, you must be furious with me. And I understand. It is not my intent to stir negative emotions of any kind. And I am truly sorry if I have been offensive. I'm sorry if I caused sadness. I'm sorry if I've caused confusion. I was very reluctant to even write this letter, let alone give it out to be read. I don't want to sound angry toward Christianity, although I will admit that it was one of the first emotions I felt as I was leaving the faith. I began to feel other emotions related to the grieving process. Denial and fear were a part of the process of leaving Christianity. And after a long and painful journey, I finally came to the place of acceptance. I am now an atheist at peace. Again, I mean no disrespect or harm, but I only want to be true to myself and let you all know where I am now. I also want you to know I am the same person I have always been.

 

As far as *my wife* is concerned, she's not too happy with my religious views, or lack thereof. She is still a Christian, and I will not ask her to abandon her faith. She is free to go to church whenever she wants, and if she doesn't go, it's by her own choice. There have been times I've asked her if she would like to go, for encouragement. I'm mentioning this because I don't want anyone to think she's influenced to not go. However, I do have a problem indoctrinating the girls. They are innocent and highly vulnerable to any teachings of faith, right or wrong. Instead, I want to teach my daughters how to think, not what to think. I want them to critically examine everything to test its validity. If they should choose Christianity, I will stand by them. If they should choose atheism, I hope you will stand by them. And if they choose Islam, we'll send them to jail. (Just a little comic relief!)

 

I would like to offer answers about how I came to this irreligious life. I am open to talking about this. If anyone would like, I can provide not only reasons for my decision to leave Christianity, but also related research I have done (and I've done my homework). I would also like to talk about what it means to be an atheist, and what that looks like. I'm not going to ask that you consider it. That's not something I can do. I just want you to understand me better. I love you all, and I hope I still radiate that from your perspective.

 

With sincerity,

 

Dan

 

 

So, there's the letter. How does it sound? I may give one copy to each family in the near future.

[Shyone]

Dear family,

 

So, there's the letter. How does it sound? I may give one copy to each family in the near future.

I will offer suggestions, but I don't know if they will be helpful. Pleae don't take any of my musings as gospel.

 

First, in the first paragraph I think some sentences are either redundant or unnecessary.

 

I want to write a letter to clarify where I stand on religious issues, particularly with Christianity. I feel it would be best to write such a letter, since I am not good with conveying my emotions and thoughts verbally, plus I will have the opportunity to get everything out without interruptions. Writing a letter also gets the point across undiluted. I fear that if I try to verbally express myself, I will not get the chance to be fully heard. I want to keep this letter brief, but detailed. This is going to be hard to do, because I love you all and don't want to hurt anyone.

 

In the second paragraph, you mention feelings, but I think the thrust should be the doubts:

 

I’ve had feelings and doubts about Christianity and its doctrine

 

When you speak of those doubts and your investigation, you might want to say that you decided to follow your investigation to whatever it might lead to, even if the conclusions were not what you had believed up to that point. This is consistent with what you wrote later in the letter about, "I continued to search for the truth, rather than simply believe in what I had always been told."

 

Instead of, "if God truly is omnipotent, then it could be done" you might indicate what could be done - "God could comfort me," or "God could answer my prayer", or "God could let me know he was there somewhere."

 

You might hint at what finally persuaded you without giving too many details. "At the end of my search, I was empty-handed," or something along those lines. Otherwise you may find yourself bombarded with touchy-feely books about emotional attachments to God.

 

In the final analysis, only you will know what your family will see in the letter, what they will likely think, and how they will respond.

 

Is it really necessary to "come out" to your folks? What do you expect to accomplish?

[dB-Paradox]

Thanks for the input. My writing style is somewhat redundant. And so is the way that I write. (Okay, bad joke) As far as what I hope to accomplish....as sense of relief, I suppose. I also hope to convey the fact that I'm not on the fence. Most of my family (both sides) is under the belief that this shall pass and I will be worshiping Jesus again. I want them to know this is no longer a struggle for me. I'm not in some sort of spiritual turmoil. And perhaps the biggest thing I want is acceptance. You know, for the real me.

[Seeking]

Thank you all for your feedback!

 

I am leaning toward waiting 'til after their visit. I don't want to cast an unnecessary pall over their time here, since I only see them a few times/year. However, if religion comes up and the issue is forced, perhaps I'll print out the letter and ask them to read it. (I much prefer written communication to spoken when it comes to such delicate issues.)

 

I am currently in about 100'th draft of a similar letter I eventually will send my parents. Yours is way better than mine -- you say so many things that ring true, would you mind if I incorporated some of your points?

 

By all means, use whatever you think would be helpful!

 

Only one line stood out to me as something I would recommend slightly rewording:

 

I talked to pastor after pastor about my problems with God, and I even saw a couple of church counselors.

 

Some christians would take that as almost an admission that you are the one with the problems (when in reality the problems are with the religion). Your parents may not take it that way, but I thought I'd give you a heads-up regarding how some might would take it. (One easy change would be to simply drop the word "my" and let it read, "I talked to pastor after pastor about problems with God, and I even saw a couple of church counselors.")

 

That is an excellent point. I will make that change. Thanks!

 

I will keep you all updated if/when I present this to them.

 

Thanks again for your input.

[★ Citsonga ★]

I am leaning toward waiting 'til after their visit. I don't want to cast an unnecessary pall over their time here, since I only see them a few times/year.

 

That's probably a good choice. At least for me, I wouldn't want to drop the bombshell on my parents right before we're supposed to be visiting together. I would rather send them the letter when they'll have more time to work through their feelings about it before spending time together.

[HRDWarrior]

First off, very well written letter. The only thing I personally would add would be something along the lines of "this topic is not up for debate." It could be put better than that, but unless you want to be assaulted with conversion and even more religious "stuff" I'd say up front that religion is not something you are willing to discuss, at least for the time being. Perhaps mentioning that you are still respectful of their beliefs, and hope they can be the same towards you, even if they don't agree. That worked very well with my mother, gave her some time to adjust to my beliefs (or lack thereof) and see that I really didn't change as a person before religion got in the way. I think it made the transition much easier, because once I did allow some discussion on the matter, she already knew I was still the same person, just with a different outlook.

 

Secondly, I guess I would send it before they come out. I guess I'd rather have it out there and dealt with before they arrive. They may also be really hurt by you spending the time together while they are clueless about the changes. Of course, that could go both ways, but if they know before hand, and they know that discussing religion is off-topic, then they will get to interact with you and see that you are, indeed, still the same person. Granted, it could cause strife, but personally, if I was to the point of telling, I'd go ahead and get it done with so you can deal with the initial shock before they arrive, and then when they come, you can all enjoy each others company without pretending.

[Loren]

I am leaning toward waiting 'til after their visit. I don't want to cast an unnecessary pall over their time here, since I only see them a few times/year.

 

That's probably a good choice. At least for me, I wouldn't want to drop the bombshell on my parents right before we're supposed to be visiting together. I would rather send them the letter when they'll have more time to work through their feelings about it before spending time together.

As long as your parents don't immediately start asking to be taken to your church, introduced to all your church friends and so forth. That alone could get sticky. Of course, you know your parents best, and what they're likely to do.

[Myrdek]

Beautiful letter, very clear and positive.

 

I have 2 suggestions to try to improve it

 

1- Unless you think your parents are understanding enough to accept it I wouldn't make them read it while they visit. They might take it as an attack on them and it might end up escalating. If you send it after, wait a few weeks before doing so or they might feel betrayed by how you pretended while they visited.

 

2- I would also add another small paragraph near the end where you mention that you haven't made that decision lightly, they should respect your decision and NOT try to convert you back. (In your own words, your a much better writter than I could ever be)

[Seeking]

Well, after much deliberating (and consulting my atheist aunt (mother's sister)), I decided to send the letter (e-mail) this morning. This is still 10 days out from their visit. Knowing my parents, I realized there was no way it wouldn't come out during their time here, and I thought it would be easier for them to deal with the initial shock while still at home surrounded by their support network than it would be for them to deal with it here, 1000 miles from home, with nowhere to go and no one to turn to.

 

I sent it at 7:30 AM. It's now 8:30 PM, and I haven't heard a word from them, either via e-mail or phone. This is a little surprising, actually. I have been so stressed out all day today anticipating a response. I'm not sure how I'm going to sleep tonight!

 

I'll post back when (if?) I hear anything.

[dB-Paradox]

I'll bet that took guts! Good for you for not only giving them the couresy of hearing it from you, but also giving them time to digest it. Good luck with everything!

[Seeking]

Here's the e-mail I got from my mom this morning. Surprising.

 

No, I've not forgotten you, disowned you, or given up on you. I've just been a little stunned, although I don't know why. This is truly not a big surprise to me.

 

Contrary to what people may have told you, none of us can conjure up faith. People can put on a huge show, but that's not faith. But how dare we sit in judgment of God; rather, it is He who rules the universe, and He will sit in judgment of us. We have nothing He needs, nothing He wants. He doesn't owe us a single breath of air. All we can do is cry out to Him for mercy. And He is merciful.

 

I still can't wait to see you guys, and I'm sure we'll have lots of good discussion. Just remember: we are your parents, we love you hugely, and we are utterly convinced that God not only exists, but that He works in the lives of His people (and in the lives of others to accomplish His will) and directs the course of this earth. So don't expect us to keep silent about it.

[Vigile]

Well, after much deliberating (and consulting my atheist aunt (mother's sister)), I decided to send the letter (e-mail) this morning. This is still 10 days out from their visit. Knowing my parents, I realized there was no way it wouldn't come out during their time here, and I thought it would be easier for them to deal with the initial shock while still at home surrounded by their support network than it would be for them to deal with it here, 1000 miles from home, with nowhere to go and no one to turn to.

 

I sent it at 7:30 AM. It's now 8:30 PM, and I haven't heard a word from them, either via e-mail or phone. This is a little surprising, actually. I have been so stressed out all day today anticipating a response. I'm not sure how I'm going to sleep tonight!

 

I'll post back when (if?) I hear anything.

 

Just a suggestion, since the subject is now sure to come up. Point out that you didn't choose to disbelieve. Point out that belief is not a choice.

 

If they are like my parents, they will hit you with, what did the church do to hurt you? You might be ready for a quick, but soft response to that one (even if the church did hurt you, I wouldn't focus on that or even talk about it at all as it's just a distraction and a point they will grab hold of in trying to persuade you). In general try and answer them softly. It's going to be very emotional for them so if you can keep your head about you you will hopefully head off the drama.

 

Finally, just do your best to keep the conversation away from debate. Keep on letting them know you still love them, that you still have high moral standards and that even though you don't expect them to understand that you do understand their concerns.

 

Hopefully your parents will be like mine and just love you anyway. Mine still worry about me, but I've found over the years that they have an amazing ability to compartmentalize. They fear for my soul, but somehow they put those fears on the shelf most of the time and those fears don't come out unless the topic is broached. In fact, I have little doubt that if I go before them they will rationalize that somehow god got to me on my death bed because that's the only way it could be in their world view. If that thought gives them peace then I'm fine with it.

[Vigile]

Here's the e-mail I got from my mom this morning. Surprising.

 

No, I've not forgotten you, disowned you, or given up on you. I've just been a little stunned, although I don't know why. This is truly not a big surprise to me.

 

Contrary to what people may have told you, none of us can conjure up faith. People can put on a huge show, but that's not faith. But how dare we sit in judgment of God; rather, it is He who rules the universe, and He will sit in judgment of us. We have nothing He needs, nothing He wants. He doesn't owe us a single breath of air. All we can do is cry out to Him for mercy. And He is merciful.

 

I still can't wait to see you guys, and I'm sure we'll have lots of good discussion. Just remember: we are your parents, we love you hugely, and we are utterly convinced that God not only exists, but that He works in the lives of His people (and in the lives of others to accomplish His will) and directs the course of this earth. So don't expect us to keep silent about it.

 

Brilliant! That brought a small tear to my eyes. Having read so many horrible scenarios on this site I'm so happy your parents have chosen to love you first in spite of their beliefs.

[Shyone]

Here's the e-mail I got from my mom this morning. Surprising.

 

No, I've not forgotten you, disowned you, or given up on you. I've just been a little stunned, although I don't know why. This is truly not a big surprise to me.

 

Contrary to what people may have told you, none of us can conjure up faith. People can put on a huge show, but that's not faith. But how dare we sit in judgment of God; rather, it is He who rules the universe, and He will sit in judgment of us. We have nothing He needs, nothing He wants. He doesn't owe us a single breath of air. All we can do is cry out to Him for mercy. And He is merciful.

 

I still can't wait to see you guys, and I'm sure we'll have lots of good discussion. Just remember: we are your parents, we love you hugely, and we are utterly convinced that God not only exists, but that He works in the lives of His people (and in the lives of others to accomplish His will) and directs the course of this earth. So don't expect us to keep silent about it.

Um, it sounds like they may be gearing up for a battle. Could be interesting, but I'd rather not be there.

 

The question is, how should you deal with the potential challenge? I personally would try to be well prepared, but stay on the defensive. That's just me.

[Brakeman]

Personally I have not came out to my parents, they are old and It wouldn't serve much purpose now. But if I had and they were to give me too much heck about it, I would remind them that I walked and lived in the Church community, listened to thousands of sermons, and witnessed first hand the true lives of many christians, including themselves. Yet I saw no "fruit of god" I never witnessed any power that the holy spirit reportably gives the christian. I witnessed no healing of the sick, no raising of the dead, no walking on water.

I saw no mountains moved, only claims of emotion.

 

If the bible were true, and I truly lived amongst hundreds of saints and apostles as claimed, I would necessarily have to be awed by god's presence that I would have seen. But I was not awed, everything instead simply pointed to mass delusion.

 

That's what I would say.

[HRDWarrior]

Your parents response is probably similar to what my mother's was - I agree with another poster who said to focus on the fact that you did not choose to not believe, that has simply where you have been lead to at this point. I believe I also pointed out to my mother that 10 years ago I would have laughed at someone who told me I would be where I am now, so I have no delusions of thinking I know where I will be another 10 years from now.

 

I would add one little suggestion - since this is so fresh to your parents visit, I would at least put debates of religion/belief/theology on hold at least until they have left. Tell them you will be respectful and understanding of their beliefs, but are hoping they can treat you with the same respect at least for the length of the visit (it will make things more pleasant than them spending the entire time trying to reconvert and debate with you). I'm sure you'll still hear plenty of "god talk" on the side, but hopefully they can avoid being full on confrontational about it.

 

I think when we take the time to communicate with our parents at their level (and since we know them well, as their kids we can often do a better job than outsiders could) they may not be happy, but if they do love us as their kids, they can at least learn to be peaceful with us if we extend the same to them. There are plenty of folks who are way too hard core to love their kids more than their god, but I think deep down most parents can learn to get over the initial shock and maintain a relationship of somewhat mutual respect.