Missionary To Atheist

[StevoMuso]

I've been so warmly received on this forum, that I think it's time to post my de-conversion story.

 

I live in South Africa where fundamental Christianity is almost universally practiced (I often say we live behind the Zion Curtain). My parents were Methodist, my Mom serving as Superintendent of the Sunday School - very religious. We had daily Bible study every night in the lounge, church twice on Sundays, youth on Fridays, leader of the Youth Church and Youth Choir, church camps most holidays - I took it all seriously.

 

After school I signed up with Youth For Christ in their Y-One program. I played guitar/keyboards/vocals in a band called "Seventh Avenue" which toured throughout South Africa performing in schools and churches. This was 1977, and when Cliff Richard came to SA we were chosen to tour with him playing to crowds of many thousands of people. This had an enormous impact on my life in that I decided to make Gospel music my career.

 

I had to do 2 years of national military service which I did playing Tuba in a military band. After this, in preparation for a career in Gospel music, I spent 4 years at university and completed my Bachelor of Music degree on trombone. Joined up with YFC again as a staff member.

 

YFC didn't work out - I had become a charismatic Christian while at 'varsity and this didn't gel with their conservative views. I resigned and started to follow a secular musical career - I thought I had failed God.

 

I started studying after hours and eventually qualified with our Church to become a full-time missionary. My guilt at failing as a Gospel musician was finally diminished when I was sent to Lebowa in the northern part of S. Africa. I spent 2 years here doing the whole missionary thing. It was exactly as you read in books: lived in a tin shack, slept on a grass mat (called a legogwa), no running water, no electricity, no money, plenty of praying and preaching. The most precious part of my life as a missionary was actually the people. I met, and came to love, the most gentle and beautiful people you could care to meet anywhere on earth. I learned a new language and culture which enriched my life in more ways than I can describe. I had gone to teach the Lebowans in arrogance and ignorance about religion, and ended up being humbled by their simple wisdom, real-life knowledge, honesty and gentle ways.

 

Deeply humiliated by my attempted ministry, I decided to return to Pretoria and go back to a secular music career - again (and this time for good). Got married and had 2 kids.

 

Long story short: I started asking questions. Having studied the Bible and apologetics during the ministry years, I could not reconcile all the terrible cruelty in the Bible, the blatant contradictions, seeing such suffering in Lebowa and begging God to bring relief to those dear people only to find the Big Silence (2 years of deep tear-filled intercession and zero reply), later being worship leader in church and aware of how I could bring the "anointing" using clever musical/emotional techniques ... on and on, question after question.

 

Then - tragedy in our family - my wife had a stroke which took out her ability to understand language both spoken or written. The stroke was post-operative so the neurologists wouldn't give me any information on what had happened in case I sued the doctors who were responsible. So I decided to go to a library and do some research of my own into the field of neurology - the functions of the human brain and nervous system with particular reference to strokes.

 

This research showed me that every single human function we have is the result of bio-chemical electrical pulses in our brains i.e. understanding, communication, long/short-term memory, personality, consciousness, recognition ... name it - it's a function of the brain. If a tiny portion of the brain dies (like in a stroke) then the particular function performed by that section will be lost. If the whole brain dies - it is oblivion ... over ... the end ... no consciousness, memory etc. No "eternal soul" as taught by religion - hectic discovery, and very traumatic.

 

So - this raised questions about Christianity and the promise of eternal life, and I went back to the library to study religious history, philosophy, psychology, ethics and morality - I was like a sponge with an insatiable appetite for knowledge. I spent many really tough years in deep study - on my own - with no support and nobody to ask my piercing questions.

 

This was in Africa in the late 80s and early 90s. I had no access to the Internet and didn't know anyone who was not deeply religious or even had an interest in all my taboo questions (can't question God - no!).

 

I also felt helplessly unskilled in my ability to reason so I joined Mensa (high IQ club) and signed up for a special interest group that specialized in developing critical thinking skills. It was in Mensa that I met my first atheist. This seemed so alien to me - how could anyone not believe in God? What reason for living did these people have? Meaning in life? Weird. I decided to find out what made this person tick. WOW - was I surprised - someone who understood my questions AT LAST. He even had more books than me, and on subjects I'd longed to know about(we couldn't get free-thought books in S Africa in those days) and his library became another source of reading material. Ayn Rand, Bertrand Russell, Carl Sagan, Joseph McCabe and my favourite - Robert G Ingersoll.

 

One day, 14 November 1996 (my daughter's 8th birthday - i.e. why I remember), in the midst of a heated debate with my atheist friend (yup - he'd become a friend) he asked me a question that will always ring clear in my memory, "Steve, have you ever considered that the answer to your questions may be that God simply does not exist?"

 

I was stunned. God not exist? That had never even ONCE occurred to me. I had this faith-implant in the back of my brain that simply Believed. It was well hidden, almost invisible, but I saw it lurking there for the first time that day. Almost like a belief-meme - implanted soon after birth and affecting my every thought ever since.

 

I will never forget the next few moments. I put the "no God" theory into my thinking and it was like someone had turned on a huge spot-light. My questions were answered in an instant - years and years of agonizing research, libraries of books poured over in a desperate search for truth and understanding - cleared up in a moment of almost unbearable revelation. I realized that I was not constantly monitored and answerable to an invisible God, that I was answerable to myself. My moral code could be based on reason and cause/effect as a social skill rather than as a religious duty under threat of Hell. Knowledge became a moral and beautiful pursuit, people and their intrinsic value as individuals took on a new and awesome wonder, as did nature and the vastness of the universe. My life immediately became more meaningful because my goals and aspirations needed to be realized in this lifetime. It was a moment of unspeakable joy which has not left me in the 14 years since this event.

 

Okay - my family were not so chuffed with my decision. My wife divorced me, parents pretty much disowned me as did my brother and sister and almost all my friends. Even my atheist friend moved to the USA - it's been unbelievably tough out here on my own.

 

I decided to write a book on my de-conversion and also include chapters on all the critical thinking skills I had learned over the years of struggle. I published it in New York in November 2009 (no South African publishers wanted to touch a book that was a guide to atheism). I also, once I had internet, got to know Dan Barker quite well, and he has been a tremendous support to atheists like myself in religion-bound countries. He wrote a brilliant Foreword for my book, giving it his endorsement and adding to its credibility. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to promote the book on this forum but it is available in our Book Store - it's called Courage To Doubt by Stephen J Hurlin - Foreword by Dan Barker (Freedom From Religion Foundation).

 

Since the publication of my book I have become an active speaker in the promotion of free-thought, and met many like-minded people here in South Africa. I have also started an organization called Religion-Free Africa. It's encouraging to note that there is a world-wide trend away from religion and it's growing rapidly in Africa too.

 

Thank you for reading my story. If even one person is encouraged in their struggle for truth under difficult circumstances, then it has all been worthwhile.

[florduh]

So, you were never a True Christian.

 

Seriously, moving story and well written. I'm glad you're here.

[HRDWarrior]

Good story, glad you're around. I knew some missionaries from SA, our church when I was a child supported them for years, and they often stayed at our house when they came to the US on their fund-raising tours.

[Shyone]

Oh, I can see so much of myself in your story. Particularly the neurologic studies that delved into brain function and the problems with the Bible.

 

I'm sure you're familiar with Kenneth Daniels, but he was also a missionary and wrote his story of deconversion. I think it's online now.

 

When I'm rolling dough, I'll buy your book. It sounds like a really good read.

 

One question: Given that your wife had both expressive and receptive aphasia, did she recover enough to understand why she was divorcing you? That might be a silly question, but I'm not seeing how you communicated the idea to her or how she was able to communicate her desires to you.

[Franko47]

Guitarists can always sense the truth of things.

 

And you're right, this is quite a nice site.

 

Glad you came aboard, man. Totally.

[StevoMuso]

One question: Given that your wife had both expressive and receptive aphasia, did she recover enough to understand why she was divorcing you? That might be a silly question, but I'm not seeing how you communicated the idea to her or how she was able to communicate her desires to you.

The four of you who have replied here so far, and of course BONE-head Bob, Mriana and a few others, are the reason I've felt so welcome. You folk are just awesome and I always look out for your posts - thanks.

 

The story summarized in the sentence "My wife divorced me, parents ..." happened over many years. It was only after about 6 months that I could finally explain to her what had even happened which I did by drawing pictures and making her tell me what I was drawing (like Pictionary). Before it was "What happened to me Steve, why am I in hospital?" "You had a stroke" "Yes, but what happened to me?" (she only had receptive aphasia). She recovered over the next two years, and through speech-therapy other parts of her brain learned the comprehension skill. Neuro's recon she is now about 85 - 90% recovered.

 

Her stroke triggered my neuro studies and it was about two years after this that the truth hit the fan and I became an atheist. We were all very religious (most SAns were in those days) and Vivienne (the wife) freaked out when I tried to explain to here what had been probably the most profound experience in my life. Our pastor (I had to explain to him why I was resigning as his worship leader, and he'd been one of the people I'd tried to question over the years) and some of the elders came around often, at first to try and win me back and then to "bind Satan" in me and protect my family from my evil influence. After they could see that I was not going to change my views (I was WAY out of their league by then hehe) they advised Viv to ask for a divorce - I was obviously a reprobate and she would be in great danger if she (and the kids) remained "unequally yolked" with me.

 

The entire event, from seeing my beloved Viv' in the confusion and devastation of her stroke right through to being treated like a mad criminal by everyone (and I mean everyone - parents, bro/sister and their respective spouses/kids, our pastor and the entire congregation, friends and acquaintances, the local shop keeper - everyone) left me deeply scarred and I still feel emotionally shattered by it all even after so many years. This is the main reason it took me so long to tell my de-conv story - it still hurts like hell to tell (hey - alliteration alert).

 

I sometimes envy some of you who were able to keep quiet and "break the news" gently over time to your loved-ones. Me ... shit, I was so excited by my discovery, felt so free and liberated (you all know what it was like) that I wanted to shout it from the mountain-tops. I think if I'd been a bit more discreet, curbed my enthusiasm, people would have eventually been more tolerant. Not me ... always had the heart (if not soul hehe) of an evangelist.

 

Hope that answers your question Shyone - and thanks for asking it and showing an interest.

 

Good news is: both my kids (my son Mark - 16 yrs old, awesome guitarist and scathingly outspoken atheist, and my daughter Monique - 21 now and a qualified journalist) are non-believers like Dad, and I've built a new friendship base with more stunning people very much like you bunch of nutters. I even have a girlfriend now (she's not an atheist but she's also not a fundie - yoga instructor ) and my book is starting to make waves all around the world. Life is lookiiiing goood.

[StevoMuso]

When I'm rolling dough, I'll buy your book. It sounds like a really good read.

Thanks - I would be honored. I actually condensed about 10 years of research into a single book. How to argue, how to detect baloney (from Carl Sagan), how to be moral without religion, how to debunk the Christian argument, and the usual chapters on the Bible and origins of Christianity. It's the kind of book I would LOVE to have been able to get my hands on when I was going through my de-conversion - it would have saved many years of scratching for information in all those different disciplines.

 

Most of the Ex-Cs here (yourself included Shyone) could probably write a better book about these things, but what makes mine different and perhaps even refreshing, is that I did all the research on my own. I didn't formulate my arguments from any existing ones and so there may be some merit in its originality and perhaps its simplicity.

 

I also don't think that it's too unethical to promote it in this forum because there may be some who visit us with similar questions to my own and Courage To Doubt could be instrumental in setting them free.

 

Anyway - off to church now ... got to play for a wedding hehe.

[Shyone]

 

Anyway - off to church now ... got to play for a wedding hehe.

We are surrounded by Christianity, aren't we?

[FourDogBrewing]

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading.

 

For anyone interested in the book, I found the Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Doubt-Stephen-J-Hurlin/dp/1616670029/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269616250&sr=1-1

[★ Citsonga ★]

Thanks for sharing, Stevo.

 

Some of the stuff you mentioned were part of my deconversion as well, such as studying the bible and apologetics and then realizing that there really are serious inconsistencies and problems in it. That was the biggie for me.

 

But neurology also had some bearing on the issue for me. I didn't delve into neurology and study it in depth, but I knew that it was proven that chemical imbalances can alter a person's brain activity, which led to the logical conclusion that the mind that makes the person is not something supernatural.

 

I actually condensed about 10 years of research into a single book. How to argue, how to detect baloney (from Carl Sagan), how to be moral without religion, how to debunk the Christian argument, and the usual chapters on the Bible and origins of Christianity.

 

What baloney did you detect from Carl Sagan?

 

Haha, just kidding. I know what you meant, but had to take a jab at how it was worded.

 

Anyway, I put your book in my wishlist and may purchase it.

 

Thanks again for sharing....

[Brakeman]

Did ever ask your former pastor why his personal reflection of christ was so dim that his coworker Could become an atheist?

 

I mean I have always been tempted to say that I have never been able to see hear or feel any presence of the holy spirit myself and I have never seen any evidence in other christians I've come in contact with. Surely, with the Holy Spirit being so powerful, it should be detectable as opposed to just a normal decent person. You know, Fruit of the tree kinda thing.

[StevoMuso]

Anyway - off to church now ... got to play for a wedding hehe.

We are surrounded by Christianity, aren't we?

Back from the wedding. Yes - Christianity abounds. But you know, the people themselves are actually so sweet. It's good people who are attracted to religion - sad ... so very sad. One funny thing: the pastor was speaking about Jesus turning the water into wine and he used the old English expression, "By providing wine for the wedding He really saved their bacon." I leaned across to the violinist and whispered, "At a Jewish wedding?" We sat there trying to suppress our giggling - friggen musicians ... can't take us anywhere.

[StevoMuso]

Thanks for the link FourDogBrewing. I'm gonna be on Freethought Radio next month some time - will let you guys know when it will be on. I feel so famous

 

I actually condensed about 10 years of research into a single book. How to argue, how to detect baloney (from Carl Sagan), how to be moral without religion, how to debunk the Christian argument, and the usual chapters on the Bible and origins of Christianity.

What baloney did you detect from Carl Sagan?

Haha, just kidding. I know what you meant, but had to take a jab at how it was worded.

LOL. Well spotted.

[StevoMuso]

Did ever ask your former pastor why his personal reflection of christ was so dim that his coworker Could become an atheist?

 

I mean I have always been tempted to say that I have never been able to see hear or feel any presence of the holy spirit myself and I have never seen any evidence in other christians I've come in contact with. Surely, with the Holy Spirit being so powerful, it should be detectable as opposed to just a normal decent person. You know, Fruit of the tree kinda thing.

I agree with you. Surely if one has the very Creator taking up residence in you there should be more evidence. I mean - this is the Holy Spirit we're talking about (not the semi-Holy Spirit or Quite-Good Spirit). We use to get pretty emotional in our worship and misinterpreted that emotion as His presence. I think a lot of Christianity is simply misinterpreting our feelings and thoughts and other mental functions (like alpha state, dreams, ideas, imaginings, glossolalia) as supernatural.

 

In fairness to my pastor, he was (still is) a gentle man who remains an example to me of kindness, patience and compassion. If Jesus ever existed in the way Christians believe (not the way the Bible portrays Him) He would be very much like my old Pastor Andre. I do not portion any blame in his direction for not being an affective enough reflection of Christ to keep me in the Fold. In fact he did all he could to bring me back, and if there had been even an iota of truth in Christianity he may have succeeded.

[ShackledNoMore]

Steve,

 

I have probably not been prolific enough on these forums lately to have interacted with you too much, but I have enjoyed your posts. I think I will have to read your book now.

 

It's interesting: I was working for a missionary from South Africa when I deconverted.

[StevoMuso]

Steve,

 

I have probably not been prolific enough on these forums lately to have interacted with you too much, but I have enjoyed your posts. I think I will have to read your book now.

 

It's interesting: I was working for a missionary from South Africa when I deconverted.

Hey SNM - I've seen your posts too and enjoyed them. I also saw the post where you mentioned the missionaries from South Africa, and them coming to the USA to raise funds. Actually - when I read that post I felt a little ashamed that my fellow country-men would have the audacity to seek charity in the US, but then I guess that's a "missionary thing" - always begging for money.

 

Thanks for taking an interest in daBook. I would value the opinion of yourself and others on this forum - you guys are all so friggen clever - I sometimes feel a little dense in comparison. In SA I've had to scratch my free-thought information out of a desert of credulity - but I think in the First World you guys have been exposed to it for much longer.

[Franko47]

 

 

 

 

Might as well front-run it a bit. I'm definitely going to order it.

[Phanta]

Anyway - off to church now ... got to play for a wedding hehe.

We are surrounded by Christianity, aren't we?

Back from the wedding. Yes - Christianity abounds. But you know, the people themselves are actually so sweet. It's good people who are attracted to religion - sad ... so very sad. One funny thing: the pastor was speaking about Jesus turning the water into wine and he used the old English expression, "By providing wine for the wedding He really saved their bacon." I leaned across to the violinist and whispered, "At a Jewish wedding?" We sat there trying to suppress our giggling - friggen musicians ... can't take us anywhere.

 

Hilarious!

 

Phanta

[Hydroman74]

Thanks for posting your story!

 

My brother died of a brain aneurysm, and that also got me thinking about the brain. I didn't study it as much as you did, but yes I came to the same conclusion. People who have certain mental disorders can take medicine for those disorders and correct the chemicals in their brain which can fix their problem. I bet medicine can even "cast out demons".

 

If someone has amnesia or alzheimers, their brain is affected. In amnesia you may forget who you were, and when you start your life over you could have a totally different personality. So where's the soul in all of this? Is the soul changed too? What if that person was a spirit-filled christian on fire for god before the incident that caused the amnesia, but afterwards didn't believe in god? What goes on with that person's soul? Does it forget too? Does the holy spirit that resided in that person also forget? Nah, there's not a holy spirit. I'm not even sure there's a soul. I would like to think there is some part of us that lives on after we die, but I don't know what to believe in that regard.

 

Our brains are an amazing piece of meat, but once you shut the blood flow off to them it's over. If someone is in a church speaking in tongues, which is supposed to be god speaking through you, and you shoot that person in the head....is god going to keep speaking through that person? You would think that if the omnipotent creator of the entire universe is using that person as a vessel and is speaking through them that nothing could stop it, but I would wager that the person would drop dead. No god was speaking through them. Matter of fact, I've seen people mess up when they were trying to "give a word from god". I don't think god would mess up, do you?

[Abmin9]

I think a lot of Christianity is simply misinterpreting our feelings and thoughts and other mental functions (like alpha state, dreams, ideas, imaginings, glossolalia) as supernatural.

 

Wow, StevoMuso! What a great read! I'm thrilled to know you have a book because all I wanted to do as I was reading your deconversion story was read more and more.

 

I remember when I first "drank the kool-aid," I wanted to make sure I wasn't being fooled and figured I'd search for some sort of "smart Christians" club.. like a Mensa for Christians. No luck. This is NOT to say there are not smart Christians out there, but I guess if a bunch of them got together and started asking good questions, you'd end up with a site like this one! LOL

 

Anyway, I'm looking forward to your book and I truly enjoy your writing style.

 

See you around.

[Carmen]

Wow, that's a very powerful de-conversion story. I'd love to read your book as well!

[ShackledNoMore]

Steve,

 

I have probably not been prolific enough on these forums lately to have interacted with you too much, but I have enjoyed your posts. I think I will have to read your book now.

 

It's interesting: I was working for a missionary from South Africa when I deconverted.

Hey SNM - I've seen your posts too and enjoyed them. I also saw the post where you mentioned the missionaries from South Africa, and them coming to the USA to raise funds. Actually - when I read that post I felt a little ashamed that my fellow country-men would have the audacity to seek charity in the US, but then I guess that's a "missionary thing" - always begging for money.

 

Thanks for taking an interest in daBook. I would value the opinion of yourself and others on this forum - you guys are all so friggen clever - I sometimes feel a little dense in comparison. In SA I've had to scratch my free-thought information out of a desert of credulity - but I think in the First World you guys have been exposed to it for much longer.

I'm not sure that particular post (about the SA missionaries coming to the US to raise funds) would have been mine.

 

This guy tended to like to go to South Africa on the occasions he travelled because it was home. I'm trying to remember if he ever went to the US, it seems like he might have, but I just can't remember for sure--it was a long time ago. I came into play generating funds for the mission as one of his "English Teachers." I had no qualifications, but I went over on a missionary visa, so I suppose you could technically say that I was a missionary, too. I got the impression that most of the foreign funding he received was from South African, rather than American xians.

 

I don't know what is representative of South African xianity, but this guy was your basic evangelical protestant. In retrospect, it seems like our behavior was unreasonably limited so that we could be a "witness for christ," but it did not seem so to me at the time, and he was a lot less out there than the batshit pentecostal churches I was use to at home.

 

I deconverted (officially, in reality it was a long process) halfway through a two year stint, and it was very awkward finishing out my time, since I felt obligated to fulfill my agreement.

 

I really feel for you and your plight as an ex-christian and an atheist in South Africa. The United States stands out among prosperous, first world nations as a hot spot of religious fervor, and there are consequences to not being xian, especially in the bible belt, but not only did you have weighty personal consequences, many of the sanctions against you were so ... institutionalized. I'm glad, for our sake and yours, as well as your prospective audiences, that despite the lunacy and the desire of our religious right to turn the US into a theocracy, that your book could find a publisher here. It's easy for me to think about the insanity of the evangelical xians here, but reminders like this make me glad that there is enough diversity and enough sane minds so that books dealing with free thought, skepticism, atheism, etc., do not seem to have special obstacles for getting published, even if they might be a bit sparse on the shelves of the local book store in some places.

 

It sounds like things might be improving a bit in South Africa, too, and I hope that your efforts in promoting free-though pay off. I hope that the stigma against not believing in the local imaginary god fades more and more over time.

[par4dcourse]

I put the "no God" theory into my thinking and it was like someone had turned on a huge spot-light. My questions were answered in an instant - years and years of agonizing research, libraries of books poured over in a desperate search for truth and understanding - cleared up in a moment of almost unbearable revelation.

 

Great story, Steve. I had the same epiphany. It was the obvious answer that I desperately tried to avoid.

 

Guitarists can always sense the truth of things.

 

And you're right, this is quite a nice site.

 

Glad you came aboard, man. Totally.

 

Us piano pounders can smell bs too!

[StevoMuso]

Guitarists can always sense the truth of things.

Us piano pounders can smell bs too!

 

And trombone players look on in surprised wonder (not so Agnosicator?). Plenty of muso's here on ExC - must mean something.

 

You guys are all awesome - I am genuinely touched by the response to my testimony page and all the interest in my book.

 

Gonna go shoot some nasties in a LAN game with my son. Thanks again.

[StevoMuso]

 

 

 

 

Might as well front-run it a bit. I'm definitely going to order it.

Hey Franko47 I should employ you as my marketing manager - thanks bro.

 

While we are front-running here is what Dan Barker said about my book:

"Courage to Doubt is a brave, eloquent and well-reasoned plea for the freedom of conscience and the drive for knowledge—real, testable, logical knowledge."

 

Pretty cool huh?

 

I guess this IS my testimony page so it's okay to plug the book on this thread. But don't worry guys, I will refrain from mentioning it on the rest of the forum - I don't want to take liberties with the hospitality you've all shown me in the short time I've been here and I most certainly did not join in order to get free advertising.

 

BTW: the front cover photo is from a shoot I did about 5 years ago for CD covers, posters and other musical-marketing needs. The long hair is gone but I thought you guys may want to know about the purple tree in the background. It's a Jakaranda tree and Pretoria (capital of SA) is known as the Jakaranda City. These trees lose their leaves in winter and in spring they get covered in these purple flowers for only one month before the leaves come out. The whole city goes purple for a month - really stunning.