My Deconversion

[MagickMonkey]

I was born into a very religious family. Well, when I listen to how others describe their family, maybe it is more accurate to say I was born to a more-than-moderately christian family. My Dad and his parents were members of the Church of Christ, and that's how I was raised until his death when I was 15. The CoC really isn't that big on a relationship with jesus and all that. It is a super legalistic denomination that doesn't think it is a denomination. Generally speaking, they believe everyone else is going to hell and they are the one true church. Dad was an architect and had an engineering mindset, so this probably suited him well. I know the CoC mindset was great for me and probably my brother. We have an engineering mindset as well. By that, I mean that learning the system of rules was interesting, and not dealing with the relationship crap made things easier.

I didn't take church seriously until I was 11. I hit puberty around that time, and my mindset changed quite a bit. I went from being a student who didn't give a shit to one who realized that school can be easy and fun (other than interacting with classmates). I had a hunger for knowledge. I started thinking about jesus and all that. I kinda grew a conscience, too. I knew I had not been baptized yet, and in the CoC, that was the key to being saved. My brother made some prank calls to the Robert Tilton ministries call center. I felt bad (I was dealing with my new found conscience) and called back to apologize on his behalf. A well meaning but misguided call rep lead me through the "getting saved" prayer. She didn't even ask me for a donation. I bet she didn't last long there. As a CoC kid, I didn't believe this was enough to be saved. CoC'ers believe you have to be baptized. However, I thought in my head, "lord if this really is how it's supposed to be done, then I mean it". I repeated what I was told to repeat, and meant it. Shortly thereafter, I was baptized just to be sure.

I believed what I was taught, and I lived like I believed it, for the most part. I tried converting my friends. I was never very popular, but I was soon an outcast. I lost a pretty good friend because he was tired of me preaching to him. I had friendly debates with a catholic friend every morning. We both actually brought our bibles to school each morning. He was cool about the whole thing, and was more than happy to discuss differences in doctrine.

I often felt very guilty for not trying harder to convert the kids at school. I thought that if I committed a sin and didn't ask for forgiveness, I was destined for hell. Later, a well meaning CoC preacher fixed that, telling me that it's the direction your heading in your christian walk that matters rather than making sure each individual sin is forgiven. I would try to convert my baptist grandmother. She was baptized, but not for the sake of getting saved. Therefore, she just as well have gone for a swim or took a bath. Also, baptists use instrumental music during worship, and the NT does not specifically authorize that. She was going to hell for sure. It's amazing I believed that shit, even at that age. Being that I was baptized and all, I was considered a man by the church, and had to say prayers at services, hand out the grape juice and crackers during communion, and all that. I even preached once when I was 15.

While my belief was strong, I also had some doubts. I remember reading an article in a National Geographic about evolution when I was about 11 or 12. It scared the shit out of me. I thought "this can't be true, but is sure makes a lot of sense". I thought maybe they put the bone fragments together incorrectly, and the fossils must be too damaged to make any useful determination about what they were. Something inside didn't sit well with how I tried to explain it away. I was scared that I would lose my faith, become an atheist, and be destined for hell. I guess I got all that right except for the hell part.

After my dad died, we moved into one of my grandpa's extra houses (he had more than one at the time). My brother and I were forced to go to a baptist church against our will. I wanted to go to the local CoC congregation. Slowly, I became a baptist. I thought it silly to believe that the people I went to church with who loved god so much would go to hell for not being baptized the "right way".

I loved living the way I did. There were plenty of kids at high school who were screwing and drinking on Saturday nights, and going to church to pretend to be good christians on Sunday. I was envious of their freedom. I felt sorry for them for being lost. And I was an outcast. Still, these were minor inconveniences. Or maybe I didn't admit to myself how much these things bothered me. I loved the part of the Texas I lived in. I loved being close to family. I was planning to go to college after high school. Still, as soon as I thought about joining the Marine Corps, I jumped on the chance. At 17, my confused mother thought she had to sign the waiver to allow me into the delayed entry program. She cried at home the whole time I was gone to Amarillo for my ASVAB and other testing. Later, she threatened to sue to nullify the waiver. I told her I would just sign up again when I turned 18.

Getting out of that environment is one of many reasons I love the Corps. In some ways, the Marine Corps was like another religion (fellow devil-dogs will understand). I learned to cuss, drink, fuck, and all sorts of evil fun stuff. I still took my religion seriously, but getting away from the brainwashing was good for me, even if I picked up some bad habits. I’d like to think I would have still deconverted had I stayed in Texas, but I don’t know.

I got out of the Corps for a wife who I’d later divorce anyway. I eventually got a job writing custom application software in Atlanta. I continued believing in god, but progressively became less fundified. I was exposed to many different world views, and started trying to form my own. I later admitted to my self that evolution must be true, and that the bible certainly could not be the inerrant word of god.

One night, after reading Atlas Shrugged (a book many of you may hate, but oh well), I laid in bed pondering the a=a thing. I wanted to see reality for what is was and not what i wanted it to be. I thought about how I only believed in god because that was what I was taught as a child. I knew I could not wish god into existence. I was scared, but I thought, “fuck, what am I scared of, there is no god!!!” or something like that. The memory is too vague to know my exact thought process, but it was something like that. I relapsed into christianity once for a chick, but I realized I was fooling myself. Nothing like pussy to turn on the stupid switch. I’ve been a devout heathen ever since.

[Overcame Faith]

Interesting story, MagickMonkey. The really legalistic brand of Christianity you described was always decried by my church. They taught that Jesus did not like legalism. That just goes to show how even Christians can't agree on what "true" Christianity is.

 

My nephew just went into the Marine Corps. He loves it and is doing quite well. I was a squid from 1974-80, but don't hold that against me. LOL

 

Anyway, welcome to ExC.

[MagickMonkey]

Interesting story, MagickMonkey. The really legalistic brand of Christianity you described was always decried by my church. They taught that Jesus did not like legalism. That just goes to show how even Christians can't agree on what "true" Christianity is.

 

My nephew just went into the Marine Corps. He loves it and is doing quite well. I was a squid from 1974-80, but don't hold that against me. LOL

 

Anyway, welcome to ExC.

 

Thanks. BTW both my grandfathers were squids during WWII. Hope your nephew loved the Corps as much as I did. It was a hell of an experience.

[ShakenNotStirred]

The CoC really isn't that big on a relationship with jesus and all that. It is a super legalistic denomination that doesn't think it is a denomination. Generally speaking, they believe everyone else is going to hell and they are the one true church.

 

Great story, and thanks for sharing!

 

Church of Christ was one denomination that I was the least impressed with. I think at least one flavor of CoC has actually been considered a cult because their views are so extreme and exclusionary. My ex-wife's family was CoC, and their neighbors/best friends went to the same church. We invited them over once for a very general Bible study in our home, and the husband of the two got up and said he couldn't worship with us out of conviction because we weren't CoC. I tried to tell him we were all part of the Body of Christ, but he wouldn't budge and left. They really turned out in time to be pharisees and hypocrites, too blinded by their doctrines to understand the "fruit" part.

[MagickMonkey]

The CoC really isn't that big on a relationship with jesus and all that. It is a super legalistic denomination that doesn't think it is a denomination. Generally speaking, they believe everyone else is going to hell and they are the one true church.

 

Great story, and thanks for sharing!

 

Church of Christ was one denomination that I was the least impressed with. I think at least one flavor of CoC has actually been considered a cult because their views are so extreme and exclusionary. My ex-wife's family was CoC, and their neighbors/best friends went to the same church. We invited them over once for a very general Bible study in our home, and the husband of the two got up and said he couldn't worship with us out of conviction because we weren't CoC. I tried to tell him we were all part of the Body of Christ, but he wouldn't budge and left. They really turned out in time to be pharisees and hypocrites, too blinded by their doctrines to understand the "fruit" part.

 

Thanks.

 

I wouldn't quite call the CoC a cult, because they don't violate the free will of their members. They don't try to force members to comply. They will happily refuse to associate with those that don't, though. They can certainly be a bunch of self righteous assholes. I remember at my dad's funeral, the CoC preacher from my dad's old congregation refused to pray with my uncle because he is a baptist preacher.

[ShakenNotStirred]

Thanks.

 

I wouldn't quite call the CoC a cult, because they don't violate the free will of their members. They don't try to force members to comply. They will happily refuse to associate with those that don't, though. They can certainly be a bunch of self righteous assholes. I remember at my dad's funeral, the CoC preacher from my dad's old congregation refused to pray with my uncle because he is a baptist preacher.

 

Oh yeah, by those standards definitely not. I guess some felt their beliefs and teachings in general deviate enough to classify them as one, or close to it anyway. Baptismal Regeneration seems to be one of the real sticking points. That's interesting about the preacher refusing to pray with your uncle. Deja vu on that one, LOL.

 

That last time you returned to faith, what was the girl into?

[MagickMonkey]

She was starting to get into the Assembly of God, which is some sort of pentecostal denomination. Luckily, that didn't last for her either, though I snapped back to reality first.

[Mister Pappy]

It's all mind / thought control, whether they be CoC or Roman Catholic. I believe this makes them all fundamentally "cultist" by definition.

[renoliz]

I went to a fundamentalist Baptist church for several years. One day I turned to Hubby and said "I think we are in a cult." After doing quite a bit of research. I decided Christianity is all pretty much a cult, every version of it. Any group that will threaten you and psychologically manipulate you to make you believe their way and stay in their exclusive group is a cult.

 

Thank you for sharing, MagicMonkey.

[Mister Pappy]

cult – noun

1.a particular system of religious worship, esp. with referenceto its rites and ceremonies.

2.an instance of great veneration of a person, ideal, or thing,esp. as manifested by a body of admirers: the physicalfitness cult.

3.the object of such devotion.

4.a group or sect bound together by veneration of the samething, person, ideal, etc.

5.Sociology . a group having a sacred ideology and a set ofrites centering around their sacred symbols.

[renoliz]

cult

–noun

1.a particular system of religious worship, esp. with referenceto its rites and ceremonies.

2.an instance of great veneration of a person, ideal, or thing,esp. as manifested by a body of admirers: the physicalfitness cult.

3.the object of such devotion.

4.a group or sect bound together by veneration of the samething, person, ideal, etc.

5.Sociology . a group having a sacred ideology and a set ofrites centering around their sacred symbols.

 

I meant as in just like the Hare Krishnas or the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Scientologists. Christianity seems like a mind bending cult. Thanks for the dictionary definition though.

[Mister Pappy]

Christianity seems like a mind bending cult.

You are dead on accurate in that assumption Renoliz. What is even more profound is that the 'bending" typically begins shortly after birth. The practice is not by accident but rather intentional as directed specifically in the Bible.

 

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

[renoliz]

Christianity seems like a mind bending cult.

You are dead on accurate in that assumption Renoliz. What is even more profound is that the 'bending" typically begins shortly after birth. The practice is not by accident but rather intentional as directed specifically in the Bible.

 

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Yes, I remember going to church as a young child. Jesus loves me. I am so happy to be loved. But it all got twisted into sin and going to hell and other concepts about the way women should be treated and such. I quit going in my late teens.

 

The strange thing is that I went back when I was in my mid forties. And the fear of hell got ratcheted up until I had to start really doing some research. This led me out of Christianity for a second time. I think I didn't work out my issues with Christianity thouroughly when I was younger. I stopped going to church but there was a time bomb of implanted ideas still left in my brain.

 

But this time there is a lot more information available. The internet is fantastic. I gave a number of issues a lot of thought. It is like I worked through the mind bending, brainwashing hoo-haw and became aware that I absolutely do not believe in the Bible or Jesus. It was a rough journey but I do think it was "worth it" at this point:)

[Mister Pappy]

I think I didn't work out my issues with Christianity thouroughly when I was younger.

It sounds like maybe when you quit going in your teens, you quit and didn't think much about it afterwards, so it just lay there to be dealt with later in life. I'd say you were probably lucky not to have spent so much of your young life hacking through those issues.

[renoliz]

It sounds like maybe when you quit going in your teens, you quit and didn't think much about it afterwards, so it just lay there to be dealt with later in life. I'd say you were probably lucky not to have spent so much of your young life hacking through those issues.

 

You are probably right about that but I had plenty of other issues to work on and I had to get a satisfying life going as well:)

 

I have been to Wyoming once. Hubby and I went hunting near Baggs. It was very nice but awful muddy.

[Mister Pappy]

I have been to Wyoming once. Hubby and I went hunting near Baggs. It was very nice but awful muddy.

Wyoming isn't really "the muddy state". In fact, we have very little rainfall here, much less than we would like.

[renoliz]

I have been to Wyoming once. Hubby and I went hunting near Baggs. It was very nice but awful muddy.

Wyoming isn't really "the muddy state". In fact, we have very little rainfall here, much less than we would like.

 

But probably far more precipitaton than we get here in our part of Nevada. Or maybe any part of Nevada. We average 6 inches [including snowfall] per year here in our part of Northern Nevada. We also live on a sand dune wo we just don't have lots of mud.

 

When we went to Wyoming they had a couple of snow squalls and then it melted off. That trip I read 3 books in a week. It was pretty cold and very windy and a bit stormy. Not the usual hunting trip by any means. Certainly was the most antelope I have ever seen in my live and it is wide open so you can watch the bands moving and the males strutting around. Really was very interesting to see the behaviors of the antelopes:)

[Mister Pappy]

Really was very interesting to see the behaviors of the antelopes:)

They are interesting animals who don't have the most excellent sense of smell or hearing - unusual for most prey animals. They are, in fact, goats with incredible eye sight - their only real defensive mechanism.