My Mother Is Going To Be The Death Of Me...

[Kurari]

I've just spent the most wonderful day playing phone tag.

 

Backstory: My mother is 63, but she's managed to smoke and drink and abuse her mind and body to the age of 80-something.

 

Somehow she sprained her back just before New Years. It got so bad that on Thursday she had to be admitted to the ER because she couldn't get off the toilet or get the muscles to stop spasming. I unfortunately had to go to the ER myself last Weds. because I have a viral infection attacking my inner ears and it gave me vertigo so bad I was unable to walk for a few days. I'm still recovering from that and it's slow going.

 

The ER on Saturday wouldn't let my mother go unless somebody was there to pick her up and stay with her for a couple of nights. I of course could not do this in my condition, and my moron of a brother who lives only a few minutes drive away from my mother and was the one that took her to the ER...flitted off to the coast for a couple of days. So my mother calls me up and is crying and begging me to pick her up and stay with her. I live over a half hour away from her, have no car, and we've had a massive snowstorm this weekend.

 

In spite of the fact I was physically incapable this weekend of being any help to her and REALLY needing rest for myself, I didn't want to help her anyway because I cannot fucking STAND my mother. She's an emotionally abusive and manipulative woman and the rage she inspires in me is near physical violence sometimes. She poisoned my dog a couple of years ago and blamed me for it, and I've never forgiven her for it (my doggy survived, thankfully), but dutiful (stupid) daughter that I am, she's got problems and I figure I should stay on the fringes of things and probably stick around to help. For just such emergancies such as this.

 

I had a friend fly in from out of town over this weekend. Saint that he is (pardon the expression, he's an athiest), he volunteered to pick her up from the hospital and stay with her for Saturday night. Which he did. I went with him to get her out of the hospital, and looking at snow while you have vertigo sucks...never mind walking in it. But we got the Wicked Bitch of the West home and set up with her heating pad and melodrama.

 

Now today I'm getting calls from a social worker who works for a charity taking care of the elderly who need further home assistance after events like this. I talked to her about what my mother needed and get things set up so she can go over and talk to her when the snow clears a bit more. My mother was complaining to me earlier today about how horrible the pain was getting in graphic detail earlier this afternoon. I told her to go to the ER. She said "What are they going to do for me that they haven't already done?" Well gee mom, I'm not a doctor, fuck if I know, but at least you'd be safe. That got a endless argument, I couldn't convince her, got fed up, and hung up.

 

Later she told the social worker she was going to make a 'makeshift bed next to the toilet because she can't get to the bathroom from her bed so she's going to sleep on the floor.' And apperantly told her in graphic detail how bad things were.

 

The social worker, of course, freaks out and calls me. She tells me she needs to go back to the ER. My mother's doctor calls me right after that, apperantly also having talked to her on the phone, and tells me the same thing. Or she at least needs someone to stay with her tonight. I try calling my mom, can't reach her cell or her home line, and being that I'm nowhere near her, I call 911 to go out and check on her and take her to the hospital.

 

What does she do? She waves the paramedics off and says "She's ok." They didn't think it was a good idea to leave her alone either, but legally, they have to leave if she waves them off. So they call me and tell me this and I'm so GODDAMNED PISSED RIGHT NOW.

 

This round-about story leads me to my main problem with my mother. She's got the WORST martyr complex. She's also an Ex-Christian agnostic, but it's times like this I still see her strict Presbyterian upbringing coming out. Somehow, there is glory in suffering so let's just make it worse and force everyone else around you to scramble to keep your shit together. If things break or she gets sick, she doesn't bother to go to the doctor, she just accepts she's going to suffer...usually needlessly. So it falls on me and my brother to do shit (I kind of don't blame him for making himself unavailable this weekend, she's been picking on him enough because he's closest and can actually get to her place). She's done this to me before, where she won't face a serious health problem, pushing the issue to the point of hospitalization because she wants both sympathy and control. She doesn't like hospitals and doesn't want to go, and she knows damned well I have no way of forcing her. She wants me to come home and baby her stupid ass.

 

I'm so fucking angry right now, I'm having a hard time typing here. I may sound utterly heartless, but she's used up all my goodwill. I don't care if she's in pain, she can wallow on the floor in all the pain and feces she wants. I want her to leave me the fuck alone. She has other problems and I'm trying to get her state help, and today I called the adult protective services, which I'm trying to get out there and evaluate her case. She's got real problems where she needs home health care, and she's also losing some of her mental facilties, but she's still very good at pretending she has all her wits about her and tricking people. I've got the feeling I'm in for a very long battle for control, but you can bet if I get control over her bodily, she's doing anything I say no matter how much she bitches.

 

The best thing about real martyrs is they're actually DEAD.

[white_raven23]

You don't sound heartless at all. You sound rightfully fed up. And as awful as this may sound, you mother is damned fucking lucky you care enough TO get riled up. People expect children to care for their elders. Still. Even though it usually doesn't really happen.

 

You want your mom to get some perspective, haul her ass over to the nearest retirement home and start asking residents when they last got a visit from their kids.

 

Clip articles about Homes that have gotten nailed for leaving elderly people on the toilet all day long (there are plenty of things like that). Make sure to leave them where your mom will see them.

 

If she get's to be a pain in the ass, look her dead in the eye, and tell her that since you didn't ask to be born, you don't owe her ass shit. You do what you can for her out of love, and she'd better hope you don't start feeling your love is stretched too far....

 

Then start thumbing through retirement home brochures you just 'happen' to have.

 

Yeah....it's manipulative. Show her she's not the only one who knows how to play that game.

[panglossian]

I agree with white raven you dont sound heartless.

 

Listen you have done what you can for this women, she wont accept the help offered, then my advice would be to make yourslef unavalible to both the dr and soical worker and mother, and get some much needed rest to recover yourself.

[Kurari]

I just got another call this morning at 6am. Now my mother can't get off the floor. She's called the social worker, the doctor, my brother, and me. I told her again to call the paramedics.

 

Her: *annoyed* "Well what's the number?"

 

Me: "....911!"

 

Her: "Oh, I thought you had another number. They're just going to send me to the ER again."

 

Me: "Your doctor and the social worker are just going to send you there anyway!"

 

Her: "No, I'm not going to the hospital again. They can't do anything for me. I'm going to wait for [brother]."

 

I'm going to work. At least there I have some control over what happens, I'm sure not getting any rest at home! Thanks for the responses guys, but at this rate she's hardlining herself to permenant nursing care by acting the way she is, and if I let her do it, it might just make it that much easier for me to get control and keep her there.

[Seth C Triggs]

OMG! I have to agree...her cheese is not on her cracker, if she's pulling stuff like this. It's time for her to go into a home...for her own good.

 

-Seth

[Kurari]

Tell me about it, Burned. Parents are as bad as teenagers when they get older sometimes.

 

But, good news: About an hour and a half later my mother finally called the paramedics on herself and she's safe at the hospital now, and hopefully getting arrangements for at least short term nursing home care. I'm still playing phone tag with the state trying to get stuff set up for longer term after her back gets better. But at least tonight I know she's somewhere where people can watch her.

 

Cookies for me tonight.

[Kurari]

You don't sound heartless at all. You sound rightfully fed up. And as awful as this may sound, you mother is damned fucking lucky you care enough TO get riled up. People expect children to care for their elders. Still. Even though it usually doesn't really happen.

 

Yeah, this is another thing...I'm really sick of hearing people asking me why I'm not taking care of my mother. "Why don't you let her move in with you?" "Why don't you move back home?" "Can't you help her out yourself?"

 

I don't want to have to explain this to people, but I find I sort of have to. Especially people like social workers. They want me to give them good reasons to get involved. I don't want to have to go through the whole conveluted back story of lies, abuse, and personal problems between us. It doesn't matter if I'm her daughter. I'm NOT the right person to care for my mother. Not on a personal level, not on a physical level, and not on a financial level. I create even worse problems just by being in the general vicinity because I enable my mother to give up on her own life.

 

This makes me think of the passage in the Bible about "Honor thy father and mother." What do you do when that's impossible? What does that passage mean, anyway? What exactly IS 'honoring' your parents? It's one of the Bible passages that I have had the most problems with, and has damned me the most and caused me the worst problems...this is just another example of that, when people expect you to put up with absolutely anything for your elderly and infirm parents.

[mwc]

Get your mom to sign over a power of attorney and then you can start making some real decisions. You can't legally put her into a home or anything like that without consent (or a court order which means that social worker would need to be on your side) and that power of attorney would give you and/or your brother the ability to make these choices on her behalf since she doesn't sound entirely in her right mind anymore. At the very least a medical power of attorney would stop some of this since she'd have to stay put in the hospital until you release her. You'd have some control instead of being a pawn...which is always a good thing.

 

mwc

[Kelli]

FWIW Kurari,

 

My MIL and GMIL are very similar. My MIL lived with us for about three months a few years ago and it nearly broke us up and drove us to insanity. Manipulative, oh the stories I could tell...

 

I don't feel you're wrong at all. When Susie finally learned to put her foot down and stand up to her mother, that's when the chaos in both our lives started to calm down. At least you're only talking about putting her in a nursing home. Our typical conversation about my MIL is about how to kill her off and bury her in the back 40.

[R. S. Martin]

Kurari, you told me a while back that my mother sounds a lot like yours. I'm beginning to think that's an understatement. I'm lucky to have ten siblings, some of whom live close enough (and are willing) to oblige our mother, but I would say your mom is "badder" than mine. I think it would be very unwise for you to take in your mother. Suggestion: Next time she's in the hospital and can go home only if there is someone with her and, esp. if you are in ill health yourself, just leave her in the hospital. Your brother, her favourite I understand, is going to be back in a few days anyway. Since he treats you like dirt (as I understand from other posts), let him put up with the obligations of a favourite kid.

 

I confess that I am not familiar with laws around taking care of old folks. My own people (Old Order Mennonites) take care of their old people themselves. With large families, that's easier to do. One person does not have to be around the senile bitch 24/7. It so happens that one of my sisters gets along just fine with our parents and has been living with them nearly all her life so I guess she's there 24/7. Some of the others go help her regularly. If it were up to me they'd have to be in a home.

 

Somewhere I read the question: How come a single couple can raise ten kids but ten kids can't take care of one set of parents?

 

I think this is why. Said couple abused the kids to meet their own needs. That forced helpless kids to put up with the parents for a certain number of years. But when the kids come of age and learn to stand up for themselves, and the parents still think the kids owe them life, that's when the chickens come home to roost.