I Think My Career Is Over

[Guest]

For those who may not know, I am an audio engineer by trade, I own a local project studio where I record local bands, and I run and design sound for theatre as well. Well, yesterday I was told that nothing was wrong with my ear, based on the tests done. Here's a re cap of the last few weeks:

 

About 5 weeks ago I had the worst miagraine I have ever had in my life. The day after it turned into the flu that lasted for almost 2 weeks. Like every spring, the cold went into my right ear and it plugged up with fluid. I went to my walk in clinic like I do every year and got some anti-biotics and a cortical steroid which helps to drain my ear within a day or two so I can get back to work.

 

Only this year the steroids didn't drain my ear completely. Within a week I was feeling fine and could hear 90% out of my right ear, but there was still some fluid in it, so I went back to the walk in clinic. The doctor said there was no more sign of infection, but was kind enough to prescibe a tougher decongestant along with another round of ear draining steroids. These still did not work, so I made an appointment with a ENT specialist.

 

Well, after looking in my ears, sinus cavities, and sending me next door to a hearing specialist, I apparently have no fluid in my ear, no eaustation tube disfunction, and my hearing tested fine up to 8k (the highest the test goes) with no asymetery between my 2 ears.

 

This is NOT what I hear inside my own head. I'm currently taking a break from editing some sound effects I need to complile for a show I'm sound designer for, because I cannot get my mind off this. I can't exactly explain it, but something is really not right with my ear. It feels like there is a bit of fluid stuck in there. Although in the everyday world, it really does not bother me too much (kinda like my tinitus), in the studio/theatre it affects my work, because I can not tell what I am really hearing. There also seems to be a slight pressure on the right side of my head surrounding my ear, but I don't know how much of that is just psycho-somatic (sp?).

 

I also have neck problems from a bad car accident 12 years ago, and have even recently been to a chiropracter to get an alignment in the hopes that is the cause. Still no relief.

 

So now I am faced with trying to figure out what else to do with my life, because I refuse to become the stereotypical "deaf sound engineer" and just wing it for another decade or 2 because it's all I know how to do. I can only assume that this latest infection caused some sort of internal damage to my ear that can not show up in the usual round of tests, and that I'm basicly fucked.

 

Before anyone suggests more comprehensive tests, I have no insurance, and my ENT said the next step would be to get a CAT scan (didn't say what he'd be looking for) that would cost around $1,000. I just don't have that kind of cash, the $200 it cost me yesterday just to see him was borrowed from my mother.

 

Does anyone here have any advice or suggestions? This has really, really depressed me; as I have had nothing but this as a carrear goal since I was a freshman in high school and recorded my first band. I love music, I love engineering, I love sound design. I would hate a life where I couldn't enjoy all these things to their fullest.

 

Thanks for allowing me to rant.

 

Marty

[R. S. Martin]

Marty, I read your entire story and I wish I had an answer. I see you posted this quite some time ago. I think someone's got to at least acknowledge having read it so I decided to hit the reply button. Suddenly I got a really strange idea....

 

1. All of us have more than one talent.

2. Is there any other way you could use your interests than you have been doing--something that would not depend so heavily on perfect hearing but would use sound all the same?

3. I use sound--the flow of semantics and language--when writing. I say it inside my head so it does not matter how sharp my hearing is. I also have music playing.

 

You said:

 

I love music, I love engineering, I love sound design.

 

I confess to not knowing what all those terms mean but it sounds like you can't continue as you have been.

 

Crafting word pictures to evoke a specific mood in the reader can surely be seen as a kind of engineering, and I think sound--the sound of spoken language--plays into the situation.

 

Confession: I am told that most people, when they read, do not say each word to themselves like I do. However, due to a litany of problems, that is the only way I can read. When I write, I assume it is how others read. I have written with this assumption for so long and have gotten almost 100% positive feedback for my writing, so I know I'm doing something right.

 

Thus, the suggestion I am throwing out there is whether there is anything you can do with the sound of spoken language that would make your life worth living and earn your income?

 

I know spoken language is not music...

 

I did read your post and I feel for you. I hope you find something worth waking up for.

[studiorat]

You could possibly get into location film / video audio. Critical listening isn't quite as crucial for doing that line of work, and there is lots of work to be found. Basically, at the end of the day you turn your recordings over to the post production guys and let them deal with the fine tuning. Usually, you just need to get decent clean recordings with ample levels - or at very least, a good scratch track for ADR.

 

So you know - I'm a Certified Audio Engineer of over 20 years, and have quite easily made the transition from music to film. I hope you can get some help for your ears... I can truly empathize with you about that kind of stuff.

[Guest Marty]

I confess to not knowing what all those terms mean but it sounds like you can't continue as you have been.

 

Ruby, thanks for your reply. It's not so much that I can not continue, but that I am a perfectionist. The hearing loss I am experiencing right now is very subtle, but it is enough of an asymetry that I am having trouble with simple things like balancing the stereo field in a recording. That basicly means making sure the left and right channels in a recording are balanced both volume wise and frequency wise. In this industry, your name is everything. I do not want to put my name on anything that is sub-par.

 

My other love has been the written word. I write much like you do. I read back what I write out loud to myself to make sure it can be spoken easily. I too have recieved compliments about my writing style, and have been considering how I could possibly use this as a second career. However, writing comes MUCH harder to me than music. For instance, just last night in rehearsal I was asked how hard it would be to record a cover of "Mrs. Brown" by Herman's Hermit's for the play I'm doing, and within 2 minutes of sitting down at the piano, I had the chords figured out, from my memory, without the aid of the original recording. When I got home, I checked with the CD and I even had it in the right key. I was just born to be involved in music. I guess I'm just in the grieving stage right now, I feel that nothing would be as good as what I do currently, even though I make hardly any money doing it. It is what I love, and have worked twords for 14 years now.

 

It would be one thing if I fucked my ear up by sticking my head under a snare drum or on the grill of a guitar amp, but I was taken down by a stupid infection. I have babied my ears for years and years. Tried to eat right and made sure I got the proper vitimans for good hearing. All of it was a waste of time and energy.

 

Studiorat,

 

I wondered in the past if you were a kindred spirit from your name...thank you for your thoughts too. Film/video production never gave me the buzz that audio does, and part of what I love so much about what I do is the creation of the illusion. Being a gaff boy seems to me to be a "grunt job" and boring as hell. Granted, I've spent only a fraction of work life on a set, but my true talents in this field are in assembling the raw elements, in creating the final product from the basics. I could not be happy holding a boom over a set for 14+ hours a day. Maybe it's just the perfectionist in me talking right now, but if I can't do what I've been striving and working for my whole life, than it's time to pick something else.

 

The other thing that is killing me about this is I was just starting to get recognition. My reputaion in the studio comunity is pretty good, but I've just started to "explode" in my local theatre community. I had been working for only one company for the last few years, and just last month I was getting calls from 3 other production companies about sound design.

 

I think I'm gonna get a second opinion, because the more I think about my visit the other day, the more I don't think he took me very seriously. For instance, when all my tests came back as A-OK, his response was "Well, you probally are more in tune with ear noises and hearing than the average person. Come back in 3 months." I mean that is exactly why I know there is something wrong with my ear, I've spent 14 years training my ears and brain on how to listen. I cannot wait 3 months to see if it will go away on it's own. This needs to get fixed 3 weeks ago.

 

I'm gonna stop ranting now. Sorry, this is still emotionally raw for me right now. Last night, as I was falling asleep, the thought came to me that this was god punishing me for all my apostasy. Damn this brainwashing is so fucking pernicious!

[Vigile]

Marty, why do you feel this is a perminent condition? A few weeks isn't a lot of time and the body has an amazing capacity to heal itself. Perhaps this is just a bit early to start singing the swan song for your career?

[par4dcourse]

Marty, I was a semi-pro musician for 30 years. I've had bouts with hearing loss, partially illness and partially from the damn lead guitarist's Marshall stack in my left ear. Tubes in the eardrum are easy, relatively cheap, and always worked for me. Back then they only stayed in a few months, but I think they're more durable now.

Best of luck, I hope you get help. Even a small hearing loss makes a big difference.

 

--Larry

[Guest Marty]

Marty, why do you feel this is a perminent condition? A few weeks isn't a lot of time and the body has an amazing capacity to heal itself. Perhaps this is just a bit early to start singing the swan song for your career?

 

Well, in addition to being a perfectionist, I'm also a pretty hard core pessimist. I try to tell myself to mellow out and be patient, but when a Dr. says there is no fluid in my ear, the only thing I can think of to account for my hearing loss is damage.

 

I get an ear infection ever year in late Feb early March. Every year the same ear clogs up and takes a week or two to drain. And every year I'm afraid this repeated infection will cause permanent damage. This year is the longest recovery time I have ever had, and it has gotten me very worried. If the Dr. had said, "Yea, you got some fluid in there, here's a script for a strong expectorant" it'd be easier for me to wait it out. But the fact that they can't find anything wrong with me, yet I am hearing very different than I was 2 months ago, does not bode well for me.

 

Par, I would gladly get some tubes in my ears, but the Dr. won't do it because he thinks there is no fluid in my ear. That is why I am saving for a second opinion, and will find another doctor in a few weeks.

[par4dcourse]

Par, I would gladly get some tubes in my ears, but the Dr. won't do it because he thinks there is no fluid in my ear. That is why I am saving for a second opinion, and will find another doctor in a few weeks.

I definitly would get a second. Sometimes it's not the fluid, but pressure that's relieved by tubes. Course, he's the doc.

[R. S. Martin]

Marty, sounds like you're in tune with your ears like no doctor can be. The passion you've got for this, the energy you've put into your career, that it's just taking off--I think you're right in investing in a second opinion. The stakes seem to be pretty high and this might just be a crisis to get through. But yeah I can understand the feeling of being punished for deconverting. You know, though, that this is just the residual brainwashing kicking in. Train up a child.... That really is true...the old thought habits died hard. You're tough. You'll win this one, Marty, one way or another. Hang in there.

[Vigile]

I understand your paranoia Marty considering this is tied so closely to your career, but I would try to give it some time. Even if it is damage, it doesn't mean it's perminently damaged.

 

Also, I used to suffer chronic ear infections. I would get 2-3 a year. I also used to chew tobacco; a lot. Do you smoke? You might want to quit as it kills off your immune system's ability to fight off these infections. In addition, when you start to feel run down, dice up some garlic and swallow it with water like a pill. After giving up the tobacco and boosting my immune system every time I feel tired, I haven't had an ear infection in about 5 years now and I've only had one cold in the past two years that lasted only 24 hours.

 

And, I agree with you, get a second opinion.

[Grandpa Harley]

You could try Crianial Osteopathy... it worked on my sinus condition...

[Guest Marty]

Also, I used to suffer chronic ear infections. I would get 2-3 a year. I also used to chew tobacco; a lot. Do you smoke? You might want to quit as it kills off your immune system's ability to fight off these infections.

 

I quit cigarettes 10 years ago this October. At the time I quit, I had nasal poloyps in my right nasal cavity, which were removed with laser surgery. I thought maybe they were back, or some scar tissue was blocking my eustation tube, but according to ENT #1, all is clear in there.

 

I do smoke pot once the sun goes down, but I have stopped for the duration of this flu/ear blockage. I can feel the pressure increase when I smoke pot, so every spring when I get this, I also take a breather on the weed. Also I'm not sure what pot does in combination with the antibiotics and decongestents I take with this, so I figure it's just best to abstain.

 

Other than that, I try to be completely healthy. I'm a vegetarian, I eat only whole grain foods, lots of fruits and dark green veggies, and the only caffiene I get is a cup of Earl Grey tea (hot) in the morning while I'm surfing Ex-C. I rarely drink beer or wine, and never drink hard liquor. Your ears need vitamins A, C, and E (an A minor chord! ) along with Magniesum, which I take as a suppliment of along with my diet.

 

I love garlic, and add it in most of my foods when I'm cooking, but I am going to try just taking some raw as you suggest. Good idea!

 

Thanks everyone...I'll keep you all posted on what develops...

 

M

[Colin]

After I had a nasty flu, an ear infection followed it that lasted two whole months! Any time I would bend down or lay on my side, my infected ear sounded like water was running out of it or plugging up. Eventually, the ear infection faded away so I would suggest you wait a while longer and just see what happens.