Bongo Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 For those of you who've been away from church so long that you've forgotten what Joys are inside, I'm here for you. Who am I? Well, I haven't posted too much, so here's a summary: married to fundy. She doesn't know about my deconversion. Have two kids. As always, it begins with Southern Baptist Sunday School. As I reported last time, the class is being run by fellow who I described as a high-school nerd, but 20 years later. He's the guy who had the rhinestone "Jesus Saves" jacket that he used to wear at school. I didn't mention this before, but I think he looks a lot like a smaller version of "Howard Sprague", which if you might recall, was a character on the Andy Griffith show. If you dont know who Howard Sprague is, just think "Bert", from "Bert and Ernie". But with glasses. Glasses that are poised at the end of his nose because he's not selfconscious enough to realize how doofy that looks. Either take them off, or get bifocals, man! Until he figures that out, he can only see his notes by tilting his head back like he's going to fall over. Today's topic was Zecharia. He made some point about a High Priest in there, and of course, you know that he would then mention Hebrews, where, suprise suprise, Jesus is our High Priest. Didn't see that one coming! During this discussion, my favorite scholarly fundy woman pronouced it as "Yeshua", to show how smart, studied, and spiritual she is. (in another church, she'd make a terrific snake handler, I can just kinda tell.) It was mentioned that "Yeshua" would even be our high priest in heaven. Of course, since we would never actually be sinning up there, the question was raised about the need for a high priest in heaven. The answer was a mishmash of God-praising-fooey but never went along the obvious train of : no sin => no free will either => so we're little robots in heaven ... but but... God doesn't want robots! <head explodes> Then a man's voice from somewhere behind me starts reveling in the joys awaiting us in heaven. According to his fantasies, he can't wait to just sit at Jesus's feet listening to all the teachings to be had. He actually said that during the first ten thousand or so years, Jesus would teach things like why he created the Bo-wevil and how it wonderfully fit in his plans. "And it wont get old! He can go on and on tell us an eternity of things like that!" <Where's that number again for Muslims-R-us? I seem to remember they had a more interesting retirement plan...> In Zecharia there is the prophecy where Jesus comes on a Donkey. Now then, why could not the Jews from the time of Christ on see that prophecy fullfilled? It's so obvious! For crying out loud, there it is in Zecharia--a king...a donkey...--- and in the new testament--a jesus...a donkey... What's not to get? Well apparently the Jews haven't been graced with the holy spirit you see. They can't see it. God has blinded them, and they're going to hell. Oh well, tut tut! I spoke up: By definition, they dont *Believe* in the new testament, so for them it is not a matter of them ignoring the evidence. They just consider the NT a forgery, a fraud. ( LIKE I DO. It was FUN to say that in class, hehee). Though I was clear, that seemed to make no impression. Naah, they're evil and given to blindness....praise God. New Orleans was mentioned, and I have to give credit. No one there blamed sin on New Orleans. It was said that San Fransisco and many other places are equally as sinful, and we all are, so God-wrath was not a cause. However, God's-plan might be, because all those people formerly living in slums are being dispersed into better lives and better schools (presumably, give or take). Enough sunday school. Before church, pastor came up and shook my hand. I've always liked him and had great respect for him. I've always thought he was the best speaker you've ever heard. I truly wish I had his talent for it. He never says "Gawd-duh!" or anything like that. He's truly a fabulous speaker. Only now, I dont' listen, as much as possible. But I used to like him a lot more. Until I noticed that he never retained anything I've said to him. I constantly hear the same stories or questions for the first time, again. Um...I answered this many times already pastor, but thanks for asking. Cant blame him too much, it's his job to shake the hand. But I dont put the same stock in him like I used to, when I used to believe that he was actually listening. Enough for now. Please forgive my cynical spirit folks. Church does that to me. Especially today-because last night I had this terrific, but ultimately sad and frustrating, dream where I met the gal of my dreams and she was soooo cute and we soooo clicked, but fate separated us before I could even get her name. (Yes, I'm married, and your point is?) Also, throughout this morning I had a wild hair up my nose that was really driving me mad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curtdude Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 I really like your "Reports from the Mission Field"...nice to get the nerd update. So you don't think that anyone has seen you even smirk? Boy, you are one Cool Customer if you can pull this routine off week after week. My eye roll manoeuvre would give me away pronto, especially when the "the Lawd works in mysterious ways" circular logic starts up. That's when I generally lose it. Do you pray in Sunday School class, too Bongo? Tell me you do...you should pray for something REALLY specific, and then ask the next week why God ignored your ass. HA! I know, ask the Good Lawd to cure your friend, Curt from San Francisco who you know from "work correspondence" (or some lame story of how you know me, just make one up) of his homosexuality. I give you permission to use my name. C'mon, Bongo...Do it! I'm already chuckling at the wide eyed horror and feigned "love" of your Sunday School groupees. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Very good story Bongo. Must be tough to be a "wolf in sheeps clothing", or maybe it's the other way around? Maybe you are the sheep, and they're the wolfs? Then you better look out!!! About the girl you dreamt about... sure, I met her in my dreams too... a real cutie, I'd say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 ...Curt from San Francisco who you know from "work correspondence" (or some lame story of how you know me, just make one up) of his homosexuality. I give you permission to use my name.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Is one cured or healed of homosexuality or delivered? I tried both and more and ended up with crabs from a healing evangelist He is no longer with Exodus maybe he wasn't actully healed at all? C'mon, Bongo...Do it!... This isn't the first time you've said this line Curt! PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curtdude Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Is one cured or healed of homosexuality or delivered? I tried both and more and ended up with crabs from a healing evangelist He is no longer with Exodus maybe he wasn't actully healed at all? This isn't the first time you've said this line Curt! PR Lordy, there is no hiding nothing with other gay guys around the house! I got inspired from Bongo's story and started the other thread...guess I'm just pissed off at religious people in general right now, after two weeks of blaming the poor for their "response" to the hurricane. You naughty lad, you went to Exodus? Boy it sure didn't take, did it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trashy Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 I tried both and more and ended up with crabs from a healing evangelist He is no longer with Exodus maybe he wasn't actully healed at all? PR So he laid hands on you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 So he laid hands on you? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> To put it mildly He not only thought that the demon was in me but was convinced that it could be 'beaten up, banged down and sucked out' I just gotta say GLORY! ................................................................................ ............................... Bongo I have no clue how you can go through this weekly! I couldn't. PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCrispyKFC Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Excellent story, Bongo! It made me laugh my ass off, please, keep 'em coming! You definately have a gift for writing. I love the whole reporter behind enemy lines theme you got, that shit is hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bongo Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 Thanks for the comments guys. Actually, I dont have trouble not smirking, I have trouble not blowing a gasket, or a sphincter gasket, listening to that stuff. If it weren't for the Holy Spirit of Sarcasm , the Holy Gift of Speaking in Mocking Blasphemy, and fantasies of the Holy Hand Grenade, I dont know what I'd do! What keeps me sane is scribbling notes (the act of which looks good and sheeply), to be used not for later bile study, but in fact to bring my report here. "Wolf in sheeps' clothing". Yeah, I like that. Also sorta like a Uboat under all those floating windbags. <--- HUH? Guess I mixed too many ideas in that sentence. But I said it, I believe it, that settles it! (so it stays) Curtdude, I dont know how this particular chruch believes in homosexuality any more. We used to pretty much be certain that it was a life choice. I know that for myself, even before I deconverted, I was veering toward the other opinion and getting a "live and let live" and acceptance feeling toward homosexuals. I'm certainly there now. Chruch hasn't mentioned it in a long time. I think our pastor is coming around. Crispy-- I love that pic! Can I use it? I'll give it back in about....3 minutes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Thanks for the comments guys. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I liked your report, too. Within a few weeks, I have to go to a wedding in a pentecostal church. I do not look forward to it. Actually I fell uncomfortable about it, but I hope I also will be able to bring a good report here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bongo Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 Thomas, PLEASE DO ! My church is only southern baptist. It'd be great to get a report from those crazy wrigglers. Bongo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Please forgive my cynical spirit folks. Church does that to me. Are you kidding? These are hilarious. Keep them coming by all means. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Your account triggered a recollection of something that happened at my 'house group' shortly before I left the church. I noticed my hubby making studious looking notes during the 'talk'. I just assumed the talk was really 'speaking' to my hubby and I was feeling a bit anxious about the fact I was finding it hard to get anything at all out of what had been said and had come to the conclusion that our house group leaders were slightly mad - although they were sweet and well meaning. When we got to our car after the meeting I commented on my hubby's note taking. We hadn't talked about our individual 'questioning' before this much. My hubby handed me his notes. There were ten points. All of them questions that had been raised for him by the 'talk'. They went something like this .... 1. What planet are they from? 2. What planet are they from? 3. What planet are they from? 4.What planet are they from? 5.What planet are they from? 6.What planet are they from? 7. Why oh why did I ask about the jacket? 8.What planet are they from? 9.What planet are they from? 10.What planet are they from? The laughter we shared reading that list together was the most amazing unifying, releasing thing we'd experienced for ages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bongo Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 Hesitant, that is a great story! I wish my wife would also use critical thinking toward this stuff, but I know it will never happen. There merest hint that I might have doubts will cause her eyes to water up and the lower lip to begin trembling. (No joke, believe me). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Hesitant,that is a great story! I wish my wife would also use critical thinking toward this stuff, but I know it will never happen. There merest hint that I might have doubts will cause her eyes to water up and the lower lip to begin trembling. (No joke, believe me). <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Wow, and I thought I had it bad. At least my wife knows my position, she just hates it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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