Finally my eximony

[Ouroboros]

My Eximony (version 1.1 - 10/14/2005)

 

There's so much to write that most likely a majority of important details will be left out, how hard I ever try to make sure it's in there. Probably I have to write newer version later on, just to complement the missing parts. On the other hand, I don't want this eximony be too long and boring, that no one even care to read it.

 

One reason I haven't done this before, is that I still have some strong emotions related to some of the events, and every time I tell that part of the story, I choke up and can't really go on.

 

I think this first version, I'll just list the different important aspects of my religious life, without going into them in detail.

 

Born 1965 in a Christian home. My dad was an elder in a local Pentecostal Church. We went to Church on a regular basis, and prayed and read the Bible together at our home. My parents never hurt me in any way, but showed great love and care for me and my siblings. From hearing the stories of other people, I know I can call myself lucky to been born and raised in a home like that.

 

At age of 7, I gave my life to Jesus. I was alone in the kitchen, while my parents went to Church. Of some reason I stayed home that day. It was in the spring time, and I can still remember the kitchen table and the whole emotional imprint it gave me. It wasn't any big explosive emotion, but just a silent feeling that I was now a Christian, and wouldn't go to hell. I think I can remember my reason to do this, was the fear of going to Hell and not be able to go to Heaven with my parents.

 

When I was 11 or 12 I got the "gift of speaking in tongues". It was one of these crusade, tent, meetings, when everyone that wanted the Holy Ghost came back to the prayer tent.

 

I became a worship leader in that church later on, before I move away from the city.

 

During the 80's I went on a mission trip to Padderborn, Germany, for two weeks.

 

In 1986 I went to a fundamentalist Bible school, Word of Life Bible Center in Uppsala, Sweden. I became a member and helped as an usher, in prayer groups, Sunday school teacher, high school teacher in computers science and economics, and much more.

 

I got married in 1987, and we had our first kid in 1988.

 

1991 we felt we needed to move to our first house, because we needed more space. We prayed and asked for guidance from God, and we found a house and got the loans and everything. Just in the same months as we moved in, there was a financial crisis in the Country (Sweden) and the interest rates went sky high. Our loan was an adjustable, so our interest shot through the ceiling and beyond the moon. We tried for years to pay, but ended up close to bankruptcy.

 

We decided in 1996 to take a chance to move to America and start a new life. Start from scratch. And everything looked promising. At that time we have manage to get five kids in total.

 

The same year, just a few months after we moved, we wanted to go and visit some relatives my wife have here in USA.

 

It was in November, the day on my wife's birthday, just a week before Thanksgiving. My wife and brother in law would drive the van with our kids up to Washing state. I would fly up on Monday the next week, because of the work load I had to finish up. The kids would go too, and were securely seated in the car.

 

The three adult of us had a little prayer before they took of. We asked for God's protection and guidance on the trip. It was really late at night, because the traffic would be easier.

 

I worked some, and then went to bed, and the phone woke me up around 4 or 5 in the morning, and it was from the UCLA hospital. The nurse told me my family had been in a huge car accident and I had to come immediately.

 

To make the story short, I'm just going to give highlights of what happened.

 

My family drove up north of LA on the 5 freeway, and they hit a huge coil of steel that was on the left side of the road. Because of it's grayish color and it was night, it didn't reflect the lights from the car.

 

The coil was dropped from a truck that had been hit from behind of another truck.

 

After my family hit the coil, spun around and came to a stop, a third truck came up from behind and hit them again.

 

The result from this was all my three oldest kids got a broken spine. The oldest had a surgery where they fused the spine, the second oldest got a body cast until it had healed. He was close to death at one time too, while in hospital, because of nurses not reading his chart and giving him wrong food.

 

My youngest, the two girls didn't get as much injured. The baby got away with any problems, but the next youngest was in chock and could speak but was screaming for two months.

 

The first experience I had, coming to the Hospital, was my oldest daughter, strapped on a gurney. Screaming, shouting in wild panic. I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't even look at me, she was frantic, and totally out of it.

 

I cried and broke down. The problem was that I didn't know where anyone of the rest of my family was. Only one of my daughters. I cried until I couldn't anymore. Then little later, I cried again, and it went on like that, and it totally took all my energy and all my emotions was flooding.

 

Just a little later, they told me one of my sons were coming in. They rolled him on a gurney outside the room, with halo, 2-3 drops, nurses and doctors all around, running with him into the PICU.

 

Later that day, my wife came, and I got to know that she had been transferred to another hospital, with one of my sons, and my oldest son was yet at another hospital. My family had been taken to three different hospitals. And I had to drive between UCLA and the other hospital, because my oldest son had to have a spine surgery.

 

But my middle kid, he got his spine broken in three places. His should muscles torn. And multiple internal injuries and bleeding. Over the next two months he was going in to surgery in average once every second day. We spent our thanksgiving, three of my kids birthdays, Christmas and new years in a hotel next to the hospital. The doctors had to remove one kidney, big part of his pancreas, big part of his liver, reconstruct his intestines, give him a colostomy bag, and he is forever paraplegic.

 

I will update the story later on with some of the memories I have from the time in the hospital, and there is a lot to tell. But no need for that now.

 

My wife got injured too, broken foot and a broken sternum, which they didn't discover until two weeks had passed, and she had walked on crutches. The sternum could have punctured her heart or lung.

 

We got prayed for by the Calvary Chapel church we belonged to. They let the word go out, and Churches from many places in America prayed for us. We told our former Church in Sweden, that let other Churches know about the situation. We heard that Churches even in Africa prayed for us.

 

One student in my sons class sent a letter to President Bill Clinton, that responded back with a personal letter saying that "he had us in his thoughts."

 

All in all, we estimated than somewhere between 10 to 20,000 people must have prayed for us.

 

Some years later, we flew back to Sweden and got hands-on prayer by our former pastor, and the congregation of 2,000 members, plus the Bible School students of 1,500 and up.

 

My son had been in the belief that in Sweden he could walk, in USA he couldn't, so going back to Sweden would mean that he would walk again. Straight of the plane. He tried, but couldn't. It was extremely heartbreaking.

 

During the following 8 years, we had to work hard to piece together our lives. My wife couldn't work until a few years back. And finally we're starting to get back on track with everything.

 

I tried to keep my faith, and prayed for a miracle, and was hoping for my son to walk again, but slowly the energy to fight against the doubt and sadness I felt, dissipated, and finally one day I realized that I had no faith left.

 

In our bathroom, I stood and looked at myself in the mirror and made my last honest prayer:

"God I don't know if you exist or not. I have no faith left. Please give me faith again, or just show me a sign that you do exist, so I can believe."

 

And that was it.

 

The following weeks I went through extreme emotions of happiness, relief and positive feelings, but it was mixed with a weird feeling. The feeling I had was like I was flying in empty air, and there were no ground to stand on. I realized that the "rock" in my life had been faith, and now without it, no solid ground existed. It scared me to some extent, and honestly it kept me awake more than a few nights. This feeling didn't last more than a month and a half. Since then, things are just getting better. (Like finding this web site!)

 

An interesting anecdote was that I kept this to myself for several months, until I couldn't bear it any longer. I just had to tell my wife.

 

We sat outside the house, drinking morning coffee, and I gather courage to tell her, that I didn't believe anymore. Her response was a shock, she didn't react, she calmly told me she didn't either, and she had lost her belief quite a while back, without telling me. Now granted, she still believes there is something out there, so she's more of a deist, but she's not a real Christian anymore.

 

The question is why, did I lose my faith? I've been lately thinking about what it could have been.

 

One reason was that I felt that I loved my family. Before the accident, I know that I loved Jesus more than my family. Jesus would go first in my life, family second. During the recovery from the accident, my emotions shifted. My family needed me, and my strength, and my love grew for them, and my love for Jesus shrunk. I cared for my family, and wanted them the best. The only question I had during that time, was how it could be that I loved my family so much, and wanted them to be healed, while God waited to give us healing? Did I love my family more than God?

 

Was it because I was angry at God, not answering the prayers for my son? Not really. I knew that a miracle can never be expected at the time you want it. My image of God was that he would answer according to his will, and why wouldn't he want to heal my son? What I really lost, was the faith in the particular image, or idea, that I had of God. I realized that the God that I believed in, someone that loved me and my family more than I ever could, would want the best for me and my family.

 

From realizing that the particular image of God that I had was wrong, it was only for me to find the right image. Who was God and what was he? And my thoughts only led to that I couldn't know if God wanted my son healed or not. I couldn't know if God wanted anything for my family, or I couldn't know anything about what God wanted for anyone. Even if I prayed, I didn't get any voices in my head telling me what he wanted. This led me to the next step, I could not know if there was any God at all. Would I know have to search for God, to see if he existed at all?

 

The only way I could know about God, was either through signs or through my mind, or my feelings. I had lost my feelings, and didn't have any faith anymore, and God would never do any signs, because that would be to test God. In sense, God can't be proven to exist.

 

Next question was, can God be proven to not exist? And there's no answer there either. So the natural solution was to be an agnostic. But with time, I've seen that it's easier to take a standpoint, that God doesn't exist, until any tangible evidence can convince me otherwise. Maybe he does exist, but he's far from the image I used to have, and maybe he's not even a good God, but vicious and cunning. Maybe the whole thing is just a big play, or a big experiment, that he conducts to see how he could create life and play tricks on us. A gigantic Avida software, running on a Supernatura-Cray XMP. (I guess few would know what that is )

 

In the end, it was not only about losing the emotions I had, and the feeling that there must be a supernatural divine entity somewhere in the fifth dimensions of a multiverse, but also the ability to even find the answer. The best solutions was to take the simplest answer to the question, God doesn't exist, until proven otherwise.

 

 

Hans

[♦ nivek ♦]

Frackin' wow Hans...

 

kL

[white_raven23]

{{{{{{{Han}}}}}}}}}

 

{{{{{{{Han's family}}}}}}}}

 

 

Han, does your wife ever come on Ex-c?

[Fweethawt]

In our bathroom, I stood and looked at myself in the mirror and made my last honest prayer:

"God I don't know if you exist or not. I have no faith left. Please give me faith again, or just show me a sign that you do exist, so I can believe."

 

One of my last and most "heart-felt" prayers, was asking God for The Truth™.

 

So far, it is the only one that I can say was actually answered.

[Vixentrox]

In our bathroom, I stood and looked at myself in the mirror and made my last honest prayer:

"God I don't know if you exist or not. I have no faith left. Please give me faith again, or just show me a sign that you do exist, so I can believe."

 

And that was it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

So familiar that part right there. Think most of us have right exactly at that point. When you clutch at your faith desperatly and beg god for something to keep your faith and nothing happens. Glad to see you put this up.

[Japedo]

The feeling I had was like I was flying in empty air, and there were no ground to stand on. I realized that the "rock" in my life had been faith, and now without it, no solid ground existed. It scared me to some extent, and honestly it kept me awake more than a few nights.

 

 

This thought still scares me, and keeps me up. Learning to live free is a sometimes hard and never ending task.

 

Hans, Thank you for sharing your heart touching story.. Hugs to you and the family!!!

[Dianka]

Thank you for your testimony Hans!

[snookums]

Thats sure is a hard lesson - Hans. Hope there's been healing - I mean that in the 'normal' way. ( feels as if I have to watch my words around here)

anyhooo...

 

My brother inlaw was hit by a train while riding his motor bike, there's no doubt that kind of tragic event changes people lives. And for him it was a good one, he lost his leg and a lot of his mobility but become softer and less competitive.

I don't recommend it thou'

 

thanks - privilige to read it.

[All Gods Fail]

Moving story, Hans. I'm glad things seem to be going better for you and your family.

 

Glad you shared your extimony!

[MQTA]

Wow. What else can one say ?

 

Thanks for sharing, I hope bring up old wound didn't hurt too much this time around.

[sixoverme]

great story...im new here and havent really posted much, but from what ive been reading...people leave the faith for so many different reasons...growing up in church we were always told that people who walk away are mad at people, but that they would see the error of their ways if they only realized that it was god that loved them and the people were the ones that were hurting them...bullshit...people may leave because they were hurt...but its the whole thing thats hurt them...people and a rediculous belief in a rediculous religion...ive made that same prayer time and time again...been praying it for 10 years now...i think its about time i stop...

[GiantBear]

Hans,

 

Very sorry to hear. Choked me up. Thanks for sharing.

 

Peace,

GiantBear

[Gnosis of Disbelief]

Oh, man, that's rough.....so sorry you went through that experience.

That must have been hard to write. I just hope things keep getting

better for you and your family.

[specs appeal]

god, what a post. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry what happened.

 

So familiar that part right there.  Think most of us have right exactly at that point.  When you clutch at your faith desperatly and beg god for something to keep your faith and nothing happens.  Glad to see you put this up.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Yeah, I think so...

 

Oh, man, that's rough.....so sorry you went through that experience.

That must have been hard to write.  I just hope things keep getting

better for you and your family.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

^Seconded.

[doomguarder]

From what I have read from your kids, and you sincerity with those who are on this site, you are a wonderful father, husband and man. There is no god who can give you the internal strength you have in your heart. It comes from you.

 

Hugs

 

Long days and pleasant nights to you and yours hans.

[chohan]

thanks - privilege to read it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Yes, privileged. That's what I felt also.

 

Thank you for sharing Hans.

[Ouroboros]

Thanks for all the comments guys.

 

It truly shows that friendship and compassion exists outside religion, we need no sky-daddy to make us good.

 

[trashy]

Han, I don't know what I would do if my wife hadn't made this deconversion journey with me. That part of your story got to me perhaps more than the rest (although I'm sure the details would get me as well). I hope that as you continue on you will find a much better 'floor' under you for dealing with the hand you've been dealt. It is maddeningly frustrating to deal with life-changing injuries and all the while wondering why God allowed it to happen (and having your Christian brethren keep telling you "God has a plan"). I find it easier knowing that it just happened, that there was no cosmic reason for it, and that it is up to science, medicine and you to deal with it. Anticipating a miracle that will never happen can crush one's soul.

 

Thank you very much for sharing this.

[Amethyst]

*Sends hugs*

 

*Am speechless...*

[Guest aexapo]

Thanks, Hans.

 

I had heard bits and pieces before, but when you put it together for us in the post . . . it was very touching.

 

It is sad that the bubble of faith that is built for us is so strong that it's rarely ever shattered unless something like this, or some other life-changing event happens. Though I'm sure you'd trade your new "understanding" for your son's full recovery any day, at least one thing has happened from all this -- that you and your children no longer have to live in ignorance anymore.

[Guest Dreamer]

That was a very touching testimony

 

I wish you and your family more happy times ahead!

[Mythra]

You're a good man, Hans. That's a raw hand you got dealt. Wish you and your family the best from here on out.

 

mick

[beverly]

Hans,

 

your story is really hard even to just read it

I can not imagine trying to live it.

 

I have lots of questions I would like to ask,

and some things I would like to tell you

 

but, you don't even know me,

and I can't bring myself to put more burden on you

 

what is it that would help you and your family right now?

 

Is there anything I can do?

 

Beverly

[ML13]

I was simply moved by your story. Gee, thanks for sharing.

[Ouroboros]

Hans,

 

your story is really hard even to just read it

I can not imagine trying to live it.

 

I have lots of questions I would like to ask,

and some things I would like to tell you

 

but, you don't even know me,

and I can't bring myself to put more burden on you

 

what is it that would help you and your family right now?

 

Is there anything I can do?

 

Beverly

Thanks for asking, we're kind of you. You can always PM me if you have questions you'd like to take private. Btw, welcome, I'm not sure I've sad it before.

 

But we're doing pretty good. Of course there's a lot of daily issues how handle things, but both me and my wife are pretty industrious, and making a fair living, and have a nice house etc. So honestly, with what we have, we're doing just great! We take one day at a time.