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Showing content with the highest reputation on 01/05/2020 in all areas

  1. 2 points
    Christianity ruined my brain. I’m 44 and just now realizing how powerful my own mind is, and how powerful I am. Meaning, I work really well without some genie out of the Bible making it happen for me. I grew up in church, my mom was 17 when she had me and she flooded me and my siblings with the omniscient loving father God belief. I always felt chosen and important, like I had to save everyone’s soul. I felt serene and peaceful all the time, knowing that God was in complete control. I never had to use my brain! I only had to just trust God! A lifetime of poor decisions followed. A life of being a kind Christian doormat followed. A life of marriage to a completed loser who gambled away all of our money, stayed out all night, lied constantly, was a horrible lover, zero ambition, poor intellect and so much more I kick myself for believing in God’s divine plan when I met him. He was a ‘christian’, a pastors son and my mom liked him. So I married him, had 3 kids with him, and took care of him during 20 years of seizures. All in the name of God, love, honoring the Bible, being a virtuous wife, forgiveness and all this other bullshit I believed in and laid down my life for. In the end, after 20 years, he cheated on me, left me for a 40 year old gangster type girl with tattoos up to her neck. She couldn’t spell and she chain smoked newports, she was married when they met and she lied and disrespected me and my kids regularly. This was the big payoff from the almighty loving God. He adorned me in humiliation and pain that ended up sending me to a mental breakdown. My ex husband and my kids supported the new relationship like I never existed. Facebook was also a stage in which my awesome loving God also publicly showed me how insignificant I was and how little my life of sacrifice and devotion meant. Even though my ex husband tried to remedy his mistake and leave her for me 4 times after that, I couldn’t do it. The thought of him made my skin crawl and she was the type of leechy personality that would always be lingering in his life. I knew she had no respect for me or my family but most of all he didn’t have respect for me or his own family. She and I were just a game to him and I was too old for that bullshit. At that point in my life, alone was better than him, and trusting the cold darkness was of more comfort than trusting God. I accepted the loss of my family and started learning how to love myself. It took years for me to come to terms that god did not give a fuck about me. This God of the Bible that I tithed to, cried to, sang to, became ‘like’ as possible, this God I tried to be the best for in my ambitions, interactions with everyone and this God that I loved my family really hard for and prayed for my family all the time for wasn’t interested in my life’s journey. It took me years to realize I was a brain dead human for the first 40+ years of my life. Trusting God inhibited my emotional and mental intellect. Trusting God took my body and gave it to a low life to have kids with. Trusting God destroyed my understanding of how to navigate life like a smart human, how to make good decisions for my well being, how to speak my mind, how to pursue what’s good for me. Trusting God destroyed my brain. And I would say I hate God, but God doesn’t exist. So in turn I hated myself and the life I created until now. It was all a mistake, a huge one, and I have to live with it, all the memories and all the attachments that I created. A life with this God of the Bible left me so wounded, wow, stories far beyond just my family life exist in the archives. Don’t let me get started on what it meant to backslide and how hard I fell when I believed god turned from me and my sinful nature and the ‘devil’ was ‘buffeting’ me. I could write books of epic god-fails. But they are really my-fails. And that truly is the hard part of my existence. I have 3 daughters and a son, I’m sure the faith I taught them has been damaging although they are in their 20’s and seem to live fairly ‘free’ lives. My son is my firstborn and he has been a good person through everything. I am now married to a man that I would have married from the beginning had I had no fucked up religion blindsighting me, having me to think trash was gold and trusting god was life beholding wisdom. My current husband is my best friend, he holds advanced degrees, he’s ambitious and funny and full of zest and enthusiasm for our love and our life. If I had the previous 20 years with him we would have achieved every dream because we both love life and living it to the fullest, we love thinking and reading and making love. It’s like heaven on earth if heaven was such a thing. He’s the man my brain chose. My life now is the life my brain chooses, I have hobbies instead of bible studies, I invest in myself and future with my man instead of tithing buckets. I feel pleasure in a glass of wine and a good meal instead of guilt. I’m back in school, I speak my mind, I don’t need to be liked or approved of by anyone. My brain is a good thing. She knows her shit. I’m just getting to know her. I just need to show her some mercy for all the years she was a fool.
  2. 2 points
    A far bigger issue for me, as I occasionally have to deal with international legal documents, is keeping a look out for drafts that allow confusion between American and UK usage. 05/01/20 would equate to 5th January 2020 here, 1st May 2020 in a country that uses the American convention, and confusion in any country where someone thinks about it and doesn't know which approach is being used, or which follows a completely different convention. Consequently, I tend to write in full in formal documents.
  3. 1 point
    Hey Everyone, I like to post an update in this forum at least once per year. I know it sucks for people to come in and ya never hear how things went after deconversion. I'm coming up on 3 years now. Last time I gave an update I mentioned how my wife and I were still having issues over my deconversion. We had a good talk early in the year in 2019 and things got better after that as faith was concerned. I still visit her church from time to time but that has gotten fewer and farther between. We were also able to buy a house last year which was awesome!! Really enjoying having my own home again. I lost my last house during the housing market crises a decade ago. But as the title of this post suggests, This year was not all good things. We had a lot of downs this year and maybe those downs were even part of what helped my wife and I get past the religious differences in some way. It probably would have been a good thing for me to have deconverted sooner to start getting healthy. For the past couple years I thought I had an ulcer in my stomach that kept coming back. The problem got worse and worse until one day I had a great uncle that passed away and was attending a funeral and I kept having chest pains. They had started extending down my left arm and that was something new. I went to the funeral and then stopped at my moms afterward. I thought........ we'll maybe I just need something on my stomach. I was fixing myself something to eat and the pain kept getting worse. Finally I just started crying because I knew something was wrong. I asked my mom to take me to the hospital. They ran the usually chest pain gambit of tests that I saw them run on my wife the year before when she had an ovarian cyst rupture which caused shooting pains into her chest. Well all the tests they ran on me came back good. They had me set up and appointment with the family physician, who set up a stress test which came back irregular. I forgot the name of the first procedure. But I went to the hospital for them to go in and see if I needed a stent but what they found was a calcified blockage they weren't prepared for. I ended up staying in the hospital two days and having a rotoblation procedure where they basically drilled the blockage out and placed a stent. They said that was the only blockage in my heart. It was an 80-90% blockage. So now I have a nice assortment of pills to deal with LOL and just so you know. Blood thinners suck!!! I only have 5 more months to deal with them tho. A couple months later my mother in law and father in law were in a bad ATV accident that left my father in law with a nasty concussion and killed my mother in law. To say the least the last half of the year was bad. especially around the holidays. My father in law is having a very hard time coming back from this, understandably so. He is working his way through the grieving process as is my wife. But it has been very painful to watch my father in law deal with his loss. You would just have to know the history I guess. Long story short, he looked for love a long time, Had a couple wives that stepped out on him with other men but eventually found love with a woman he had known most his life. only to be with her for 11 years or so and lose here like this. Just talking about it brings tears to my eyes. My wife's family is so close nit. There were probably 20+ people in the room when they took her off life support. We were all standing and crammed in. They even wheeled my father in law in so he could be with her as she passed. I"m sure that many people in a room is against ICU policy but they still let us all in. She had 8 brothers and sisters and 3 step brothers and sisters. Plus the nieces, nephews, cousins, and in laws that were able to get in the room. That was the second time I saw this happen with my wife's family. The first was when her grandfather passed. It's not the type of family dynamic you see much anymore. At least in my experience anyway. So 2019 was a roller coaster for our family. That's just the major things that happened. There were smaller issues that i'm not going to bring up. Mostly stuff that were an effect of one of the major events I've already mentioned. Moving on, For 2020 I'm going to work on the things I can control. I feel for my in laws, My wife, and my kids I really do but I have my own issues now I really have to deal with before...... Well before I end up dying basically. When I deconverted I knew that I had been unhealthy for a long time and started taking steps to help me get better. But it was to late. Now that I've fixed a couple things it's time to get serious. The holidays are over, right now I'm dealing with some knee pain. but as soon as i'm well enough to hit the tread mill it's time to get all this weight off. I know it's over ambitious but I would like to lose 100 pounds this year. I could stand to lose more. Just saying. I'm a fatty and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of always filling like crap. It's always something related to my weight that is making me feel bad. Even my knee pain now. Gout. I had a Bad flare up just before the end of the year. I actually rang in the new years laid up in bed not able to walk. At this point it's either get healthy or go ahead and start making funeral arrangements so my kids n wife don't have to. I've already started eating healthier. The past week gout has forced me to eat mostly vegetables which i plan on sticking with for some time. Another thing I can control.... I want to work on the new house. It makes me happy. Maybe I can finally start getting that meditation area set up that I wanted. I have a man cave to finish. and a house that is ours that I can help my wife decorate. I want to focus on a more stress free year in 2020 as well. I know I can't get rid of all stress. But I'll settle for less stress. I have one son Graduating this year which is awesome. Hopefully I can help guide him onto the right path for his life. And my other son graduates next year. Also I hope to spend more time on Family, my hobbies, this community, and other stuff that brings a smile to my face. I wish you all well this year. Sincerely, Dark Bishop
  4. 1 point
    Thank you it’s such a relief to hear such understanding. You said it so correctly, and for the first time I do not feel incredibly alone in that agony of regret that lingers in my soul. I’m happy now and I just want it to go away but so far, out of sight out of mind seems to be the best and at the same time unfortunate way to move on. I really appreciate your feedback on my post... I hope we all find the answers to truly detach from all the years of residue.
  5. 1 point
    Hello DB, nice to read your update, even though your life has had significant challenges lately. Good luck with your goals, in particular the health related ones. I can tell you from personal experience that if you up that veggie count and cut back on sugar and carbs, those alone will be huge benefits in your weight loss journey, even without exercise. I'm starting a quite strict diet myself, Paleo with some additional restrictions. The key is to ease into it, do not by any means cut out all the not so great stuff cold turkey, or it's just too difficult and you lose your motivation. The other thing that has helped me a lot is the MyFitnessPal app which helps you stick to your recommended calorie intake per day. Good luck!
  6. 1 point
    You didn't fail, you woke up and are thriving. You learned. You were one of the lucky ones. Treasure that instead of looking back. Yeah you really need to show yourself some mercy and self love. You should be giving yourself a big pat on the back every day, look at where you are now
  7. 1 point
    I had/still have other targets for my hatred. When I think about the cultlike upbringing, the lost youth, the life thrown away due to twisted decisions . . . . I do not know if I will ever get over it, but it has gotten easier to live with over the years, basically “out of sight, out of mind.” Regret over life decisions is like falling through the air thinking, “I jumped off the wrong cliff.”
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  9. 1 point
    Now that's how to do new year's resolutions.
  10. 1 point
    You are probably right, but I haven't completely closed my mind to there being "something", "out there" we don't understand. Some kind of "spirit" existence?? Reincarnation?? LOL! If there is, and I die first, I'll come back and tell everybody!
  11. 1 point
    I do appreciate the mature folks we have around here, who offer valuable perspective and wisdom. At 59, I’m no spring chicken myself, but I do appreciate you guys! I sometimes get hung up on my failure to seriously question my Christian beliefs earlier in life, but then I remind myself that so many people go right through life without questioning or growing, and I feel better. I wish all my Ex-Christian friends good health in 2020, especially those like Weezer who’ve been experiencing setbacks. Sláinte! as we Irish say. But even more important than physical health at the end of the day, may you enjoy the love of others and the peace that comes with a complete deconversion.
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