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Blue elephant

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Everything posted by Blue elephant

  1. Hi Kev Once you came to your senses, did you manage to get your hair back? Or was it all too late by then?
  2. There are more viewpoints than just the two on many questions of religion and social issues. If your child is coming up to First Communion, that is about seven or eight. You can inform them briefly about the beliefs of Hinduism, Buddhism and Judaism. And when it comes to what happens after we die, well no one really knows. The singer Iris DeMent sings a song about this called “Let the mystery be”. As your children are growing up, it is useful for them to have some idea of the beliefs of the major religions. These beliefs are woven all through society and literature. They will learn to think for themselves. It is very hard to make sense of people dying in the prime of their life from car accidents and cancer. Christian answers for this are very “thin” in their explanatory power. I deconverted long before I married and had children. But I sent my children to an independent Christian school for primary school, with the instruction that they were to observe how these Christians acted as well as what they were taught. They then went to Catholic schools for years 7 to 10. After that, one decided to go to a public school for years 11 and 12. The other child started university after year 10, instead of completing high school. The younger child got baptised by immersion at the end of year 6 btw. I think my husband has a very vague deist / liberal Christian belief still. So .... in summary, your children will probably think their way through all of this.
  3. I will look this one up. I am the child of a mother with a personality disorder (she died some years ago). I am still wondering how much of the experience I had as a child was personality disorder and how much was batshit crazy devotion to evangelical Christianity.
  4. I am wondering what has caused their way of relating to change? Sound like the sister-in-law has been the start of the change. I have come to the conclusion that when relatives undermine you, you have less contact with them. It may well be that there is actually no way that your wife can say the right thing in this situation at the moment. As for how you deal with your wife, when I learned counselling with a telephone counselling service about 30 years ago, we were told to reflect the feelings, hit the feelings, stay with the feeling. And that there were only five basic feelings. They were bad, mad, glad, sad and sexy. When you stick with the feelings, people will tell you that you really understood me. There is a cycle of exploring potential actions as well. But you always go back to “ and how would that action make you feel?”. Hope that is helpful.
  5. So sorry to hear of your loss, Wertbag. That was a damn good innings!
  6. Sometimes when we do convert, we feel like we have to “have the talk” with the relatives about our new found unbelief. I think that need is like evangelism in reverse. Evangelical Christianity demands that you share your belief with everyone in an attempt to get them saved. So now, it feels like you need to share the opposite. Unless your change of beliefs has practical implications for how things happen day to day, you are under no obligation to share with them. And it is not being dishonest in any way. It is simply part of being an adult with independent ideas.
  7. I am from Australia, but we have been to Italy 4 times since 2012, spending at least 4 months in Italy. If you are in the US, you are probably not used to trains. Italy has one of the best train systems in the world. They are sleek and sophisticated with speeds of up to 300 kilometres per hour and Internet access. And they are cheap! The website is www.trenitalia.com. At the top right corner of the website, there is a button to change the language to English. The main station for Rome is Roma Termini. Ask me if you want more info. I use a PacSafe brand bag to keep my stuff safe. It has locks, mesh under the bag surface, metal wire in the straps and the ability to undo the strap and tie it around a table to prevent theft. I use the Metrosafe 250, which will hold enough things to go out for a whole day. A tour of the Vatican is useful. I think I once heard that if you spent 60 seconds looking at each work of art, you would be there for 17 years. We have booked various tours with TickItaly and SelectItaly, but I can’t remember which one we used for the vAtican. Wearing sunglasses can deter the pests a bit. I used the phrase “Va via” Vah vee ah to deter them. If that didn’t work I said “Non ho bisogna” Non oh be son ya. (I don’t need). We usually get enough cash from an auto teller to last two days and pay cash. auto tellers are called “Bancomat”. Ask away if you have any other questions, especially about Italy in general or other places. We have been to Herculaneum, but not to Pompei or Paestum. We will go there in a while and do a trip that focuses on the south of Italy.
  8. Good luck with the separation and divorce. Sounds like it is the most realistic path. The in laws trying to nick your SSM survey shows that they definitely lack the normal boundaries, so you cannot expect to move forwards with them involved. As I said before, in Australia property is split 50:50, even if your name is not on the current deed. When she sold the previously jointly owned house, did she give you your share of that equity? If not, you should be entitled and there have been big rises in property prices here over the last few years. As you will be waiting out the 12 months separation, I would suggest you get all your paperwork re these properties in order now. These things have a way of disappearing over time (especially if things get nasty). Enjoy a serve of Rainbow Cake on 15 November for me, will ya?
  9. Btw, I am amazed that you haven't copped an earful from the fundy in laws about the same sex marriage survey. I have had to unfollow Facebook friends who are not even fundy for the duration of the SSM survey.
  10. A few things to note. As far as I know, in Australian divorce law, property will be split 50/50, unless there is compelling reason otherwise. But don't rely on me - check with a lawyer. I am Australian, from Canberra. I am wondering why the in laws moved in. Was it emotional backup for the wife to push the fundy line - or just housing stress. (Just a note for those overseas - housing costs in Australia are totally out of control with poky little dumps selling for a million dollars)? If there were to be any hope of saving the marriage, you need to be just with your wife, with a very clear understanding of "leave and cleave" even if you are no longer in the religion. Secular psychologists call it "enmeshed" when other people carry greater influence than the spouse. Is there warmth and affection between you and your wife? If not, it is over.
  11. Hi Deva I remember you from a long time ago, but you may not remember me. I'm in Australia and I gave away the oppressive cult a long time ago (in the 80s). I still have a few VERY liberal Christian friends on Facebook. I understand what you mean about oppressive. To this day, I still feel the pressure of what other people think, and I'm in my 60s now. I have also followed some of the Buddhist teachings and also some of the Hindu teachers, but without the literalism.
  12. So ... I went back and read the two previous threads on this. Your initial thread started in April 2016. She is now married to someone else. One of the things that came through in those threads was that she was looking for someone to marry. Someone Christian. I will bet they have married quickly so as not to have sex out of wedlock. Her head is so far down the Christian ostrich hole that she is not going to emerge for several years. I suggest you don't reply to her. But I am also thinking that she will follow up with another request. At that time, perhaps you give her a curt, "do not contact me"reply. I cannot see that you will get any enjoyment out of a meeting with her and the looney preaching will drive you nuts. She is no longer the person you knew.
  13. You will be better off with another treating physician. Perhaps one that you seek out yourself, rather than letting this one choose someone for you.
  14. Certainly not a new word. I would say it has been around for about 50 years.
  15. I would use my mobile phone to take notes on the sermon. But also have another session open to write an essay for school. There are silicone earplugs you can buy that are like putty. There might be useful if your hair covers your ears. When I was about 11 or 12 I used to go to one church while my parents went to another. The church I went to ran a meeting of a group called "Christian Endeavour" while the sermon was on. My parents led the Christian Endeavour group at their church. And Christian Endeavour had a syllabus in a Topic Book. So I looked up the topic for the week and elaborated just a little.
  16. This is really awful of your friend. Driving an hour in that city is nothing! It is just part of life. I think Wittyusername is right about getting ahead for future emergencies. Your mum may have a series of them now, if my experience with my elderly mum is anything to go by. I know someone that lives in a suburb called Newtown who is a pet sitter with an agency. Would you like me to find out more details?
  17. Please don't feel any great compulsion to tell your parents before you move. I have this theory about people who deconverted and their strong need to tell others. It is the logical reverse of all the pressure to tell others about your religious belief and try and convert them. For the rest of the world, who are "normal", religious views are on the periphery - sort of like what genre of music you like, or whether you are in to movies or gaming. You will have less hassle if you just move and are just vaguely "looking for a church" when you see them. Even reasonable parents have been known to become very dedicated to religion when faced with their children departing from the path. Some of the problem seems to be that they are taught that people leave religion because they have some dreadful sin that they refuse to give up. As you read various posts here, you will see this, both with parents and spouses.
  18. I thought the count for contradictions was 384. There is even a PDFs poster that lists them I think.
  19. At first I thought you were going to say that they took YOUR kids to that creation museum! You just have to wait for people to change sometimes, but yeah - I feel for you.
  20. Thanks for posting that. Interesting song. Will have to think about the words in more detail a little later. Ironhorse may be to young to know much about Peter Paul abd Mary, or even Bob Dylan!
  21. I think I can relate to what you are saying. My children are now in their 20s, but I remember feeling like I couldn't ever get something completely finished and get any rewarding feelings about being a stay at home mum. It is much easier to feel like you are suceeding at something in the workplace. I went back to work when my children were quite young. Part of it was that the interest rates on the mortgage were very high and we needed the money. But the other part was the feeling of success and achievement that came from a paid workplace. You sound like you have quite a lot on your plate with issues to work through in therapy. It also sounds like your family is supporting this process of therapy. I am not intending to offer advice, just to support you in the feelings you are having at the moment.
  22. I read about the first half of this article. This is disgusting. I remember that the strict Catholic position used to be that if it was a matter of the baby's life or the mother's the Catholic Church would act in favour of the baby's life. Women as incubators anyone?
  23. There are quite a number of members here that are in a similar position as you, where they have deconverted but the partner still adheres to the Christian faith and there are children involved. Some of them don't post here anymore, so you may find old posts using a search. One thing that folks have reported is that the Christian partner fears that the newly deconverted one is going to abandon themselves to all sorts of horrible sinful behaviour, such as having affairs and drunkenness. Steady reassuring behaviour that shows nothing has changed except your beliefs is a good idea. I also think that former Christians feel too much urge to "come out" and make big announcements. I suspect that this is because there is the whole pressure to testify and preach to others within Christianity. I was once made aware of this type f language by a work colleague with respect to my recommending an iPad to her as opposed to another type of tablet computer! So again, just chill and take your time about things. There are positive values that are taught in the Bible, although many things have contradictory illustrations elsewhere in the Bible. As a first step, pick the parables, stories and illustrations that reinforce the values you want to impart to your children and make sure they get emphasised. I think it is interesting how many of the values espoused by the teaching of Jesus don't get a look in with the U.S. these days. An obvious example is the parable of the Good Samaritan with respect to refugees. Your current church seems quite conservative to me, btw. There are much more liberal standpoints. Am I right in thinking that this Calvinist community believes that only their church is saved and going to Heaven? Where do they stand on "once Sa fed always saved"? There are lots of reasons to try and hold the marriage together while the children are young. Obviously, if things were still the same as they grew up, divorce would be sensible. The difficult thing is that there are a lot of years in between now and then!
  24. Don't get married before the age of 25 because your taste and your viewpoint changes. Never quit your job until you have another lined up.
  25. Are you talking about that Jeff Buckley song? That song affected me like no other song ever has. It definitely should never be used for nativity crap. The song was actually written by Leonard Cohen. There are about 80 potential verses to the song. Jeff Buckley sings the most well known version of the song.
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