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nirrti

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About nirrti

  • Birthday 12/04/1974

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    http://www.myspace.com/nirrti
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  • Location
    At home, where else?
  • Interests
    Stargate-SG1, Beanie Babie collecting, decorating, music

Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Coca Cola

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  1. Thank you all so much. I think you are all some of the sweetest people in the world. We are all trying to deal with this but it's so hard. It's as if things like this just bring out all the dysfunctional crap that's been within our family all this time. My brother and sister, I'm more worried about than anything because they were both so close to their father. My sister's a "daddy's girl" and even has a tattoo of her father's name on her arm she got two years ago, long before this happened. My stepfather was my brother's sole custodial parent from the time he was 12 years old. He and my mother didn't get along well, to say it lightly and his father was his main emotional support. Him not being in his life anymore is going to change him forever. As for my mother, I'm afraid she's gonna go even more deeper into religion. And by my telling her about me not being a Xtian anymore, I'm so scared she's gonna reject me like my biological father did for not being the "right" religion as a defense mechanism. So yeah, we are a f-ed up family. I just wish I could fix it all. I know it's hubris for me to even think I can change family dynamics that have been in place since forever. But I feel guilty for not having done more to make things better all these years. My stepfather, I know I can't reverse what happened. But things I could have done to stop him, take his gun away, tell him about my experience with depression, tell him he's got to stay for his children and grandkids, staying at his house so he's not by himself...these all keep going through my head. This may sound strange but I feel if I grieve too much, then I'm not being strong enough for my brother and sister. And I also feel like I don't have as much of a "right" to be grieving so much since he wasn't my biological father. So I get angry at myself for taking it so hard. I'm gonna miss him with his big ole' self so much. He loved being a photographer during his last year and I especially remember his clickity-click camera, picture taking all the time. I have a picture of myself he took Christmas that sits in my living room. I started not to let him take my picture that day since I'm so camera shy. I saw everyone else in my family get their's taken so got up the nerve to let him do it....and I'm so glad I did.
  2. Hi, y'all. I know I haven't posted in a while. You know, being back in university and everything keeps me busy. Sadly, my mother's ex husband, who was the father of my brother and sister, committed suicide, last Saturday. From what I gathered, he had started using drugs again after being clean for 15 years and the combination of that and having depression messed with his brain's biochemistry. He was on antidepressants but they weren't affective at all. His siblings went over the night before to talk to him and, according to them, he was so down he wouldn't even look up at them. They promised they would get together and go out the next day and when he didn't answer the phone in the morning, they knew something was wrong. They had to break into the house after no one answered and found him in the bed, having shot himself in the head. He was the one I grew up under and was distant toward me and abusive toward my mother while they were married. He eventually changed his life around after the divorce and became the gentle, kind person I wish he would've been when I was a kid. He got himself into rehab, got clean and became involved with his church. He wanted to tell the whole world about how wonderful sobriety was and was instrumental in his brother also getting into rehab. When he got fired from the job he'd been on for 24 years over some bullshit (he wasn't wearing a seatbelt while operating a forklift) he started doing free-lance photography, which became his passion. He seemed so happy the last time I saw him taking pictures during my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary a couple of months ago. We just had his wake yesterday and funeral today. It tore me up that he was in so much pain he felt he had to take his life. I wish so much I would've gotten a chance to talk to him and tell him his pain wouldn't last forever. And if he couldn't live for himself, at least hang in there for his son, daughter and two grandsons. Everyone's trying to make sense of what happened and unfortunately, some, including my mother, are taking the "blame satan" and "sign of the end times" route. Yes, most of the family knows he was sick and he wasn't in his right mind. Hell, even his brother who was the minister who did the eulogy and the pastor of my stepfather's church talked about the importance of counseling during the funeral and said he had no control over what was going on in his mind. But my mother keeps saying my stepfather "let satan get to him" as if had he had just been "strong enough in the lord" he wouldn't have killed himself. She also said there was nothing good in this society and this kind of thing was just a sign of how "satan is controlling this world and the end was coming." This was while we were on our way to the wake and I was already emotionally raw. My stepfather loved his church. He was always talking about his pastor and how god blessed his life. He also did a lot of volunteer photography for his church. Now she was making assumptions about my stepfather's moral capacity? I yelled to her, "There is no such thing as satan!" out of anger. She ended the conversation saying this wasn't the time or place. I told her earlier this week, for the first time, I was no longer a Christian and she took it better than I expected though she probably thinks I would "outgrow it". She thinks if only we keep a close relationship with god, it would give us strength to get through this. Why not we get a closer relationship with each other? She and my brother hardly ever talk (she lives out of state). Me and my brother don't talk much either even though we're just a few miles away from each other. Me and my mother really didn't bond and only recently have started repairing our relationship after I was hospitalized for attempting suicide (apple doesn't fall far from the tree ). We've been broken and fragmented as a family for years....and this is her solution? She, like most Christians, believes people will let you down so you should put all your trust in god. You're not even supposed to trust yourself. She has this fatalistic worldview that drains all the beauty out of life and makes humans out to be weak-minded people just ready to commit wrong if given a chance. And of course, satan is the ruler of this world and its leaders and all the bad things happening is the result of it. So since god apparently has little power, should I worship satan instead? He seems to be on his job every fuckin' time. I've never before in my life felt so much like the only sane person in a room full of mental patients.
  3. Doesn't any organization ever help out of selfless motivation anymore? What the hell ever happened to giving just because it was the "right thing to do"?
  4. Wow, talk about being caught in a time warp! Teenbots for Christ looks like a flashback from the 60's! ......the 1360s that is.
  5. Just saw the movie today. Boy, what can I say? The up-and-coming school teacher within me weeps for those kids. First of all, the emotional manipulation by giving 9 year-olds plastic "fetuses" and saying that one third of their friends aren't there because they were killed by abortion is criminal. I remember, when I was eleven, this anti-abortion pull-out segment that came out in the local paper on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. My great-great grandmother, one of the churchiest women I knew, wouldn't let me look at it because she thought I was way too young to be exposed to that. And the children sitting there crying and speaking in tongues? What the hell was that? They should be at a real summer camp playing outdoors, laughing and having fun like normal children.
  6. I'm just floored by the concept of paying $10 to go to someone's funeral. What's next, the wedding of Jesus and the Bride of Christ from the book of Revelations? Then will they have a "baby shower" for people who are "born again"?
  7. I also have Asperger's Syndrome and tested INTJ. Maybe the fact that aspies tend to be more logical and analyze small details makes it harder for us to take religious doctrine seriously.
  8. What kills me is the utter hypocracy. Now what if they sold a game that featured Muslims killing Christians, Jews and other assorted "infidels"? Not only would most of America have a heart attack, an aneurysm, a stroke,......but the creators would probably get the Patriot Act put on there asses and get sent to Gitmo before the first game even saw the flouresant light of a Walmart.
  9. I'm afraid that's already the case in many areas regardless of whether or not vouchers are available. It's more obvious in larger cities where "white flight" has chased away people with higher incomes hence draining the source of property taxes that would've kept schools better funded and parents who were the most involved. Here where I live, we have two school systems that are literally mirror images of each other. One is in the inner city, 80% African-American, made up of low-income areas and has several schools on the failing list in danger of state take-over. The other is made up of those in the wealthier suburbs, mostly white and is among the highest rated in the state. Parents will pay out the wazoo for homes located in the suburban district just so their kids can go to those schools. And lord forbid when the city annexes one of the suburbs, making their schools part of the city. You'll see whole rows of houses with "for sale" signs in the yard within a week. The city's mayor is pushing for school consolidation to unify the two districts. But the suburbanites would rather move to England (they're almost there judging from how far out they've moved already) than let that happen. But who can blame them when there's a big fight at a city school involving 45 kids in the cafeteria and the armed police officers have to break it up by pepper spraying them? Or how about when the kids have so little fear of authority they push another police officer down the bleachers at a high school pep rally sending him to the ICU with broken bones?
  10. The Chaser Band, a group of Australian comedians, and the real reasons X-ian recording artists have for shouting "Praise the Lord!"
  11. What I really hated about the old, "Appearance of Evil" line was that the stuff everyone was so concerned about was never the important things. A preacher can have a baby's mama, girlfriends on the side, dip into the church's finances and church folks can treat each other any kind of way. Yet if you're caught within a ten-mile radius of the Horseshoe Casino or *gasp* a woman wearing pants to church, you're a heathen.
  12. I woke up around noon that day and saw the crawler at the bottom of the screen for school/business closings. You know, the ones in which they usually show cancellations due to inclimate weather. But that day was sunny and mild and I knew there couldn't have been any snow. So I wondered what the heck those were for. I then noticed that the news had preempted every TV station and knew something big had happened. I found out soon enough when they showed footage of the planes hitting the twin towers, then the buildings collasping. That was one of the most unreal, dream-like moments I've ever experienced. It was like something out of a "Die Hard" movie and I had to make sure I was actually awake and this wasn't just a nightmare. Incidently, I had just gotten laid-off from my job a few months earlier and was searching for work. When I saw that we were under attack, I knew right then my chances of finding gainful employment anytime soon went down with those towers. And I was right.
  13. Greek goddess - Hestia Egytian -Anubis Norse- Tyr
  14. Does Sage think he'll get divine brownie points for telling on you or something? What an asshole! If your parents did find out, maybe this is the best time to confront them about your deconversion. After all, you are moving out in a month and after that, there's really nothing they can do but rant and rave about it. In the mean time, if there's something you don't want others to know about you of that magnitude, please...please don't post it on your personal page. Not only can your parents find out, but whenever you apply for a job at one of these companies, many are checking personal websites to see what goods they're buying into before they hire you. And if you have questionable content, that could cost you big time.
  15. Ironically, I was kicked out my father's house for going to church. He was a nutcase Jehovah's Witness who thought anyone who wasn't one was evil. It didn't matter he was never a father to me beforehand and I was raised by my mother (I had to moved in his house when I was 20 due to my mother's marriage problems). Nor did it matter I was a good kid who never got in trouble, was putting myself through college and never partied, drinked or even cursed. Oh nooo! The fact I was a member of a church was enough to be branded as the cause of all his personal and family problems and I was scapegoated for his drug relapse that happened while I was there. And of course, surely god wasn't going to bless his household with some evil church-goer like me there. The big bastard.
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