You will find many many people here sharing your experience and suffering. I am sure it must feel hopeless as times, not being able to completely shake the fea and obsessive thinking. Religious conditioning makes people end up in loop, it''s a closed circular system, har t break put of if one has ben the victim of brainwashing. WHat your fearmonegring pastor has done is neuroticising you through a form of neurolignqistal programming and hypnosis. THis will work in your subconscius and take great effort to combat. There may never be a total victory, it's something one has to learn and live and adjust to as a chronic disease for some of us.
What is REALLY imoportant is that you try and let yourself off the hok and bit and learn to crae bit for yourself.
Studying, finding intellectual argument can give relief but you need a lot of emotional support to.
You can't just think and reason yourself out of it. You need to reach out, get help, every form of help available to you. For some people a more spiritually, undogmatical religious prqctise is what they need. Like finding a Unitarian church, or parctice some other form of spuiritual discilpine, like meditation if you are so inclined. It's important. BEing critical of Christian dogman doesn't mean you can't be spiritual or even religious. <the important thing to remeber that it is alays based on speculation, hopes and dreams, test the spirtis and see what agrees with your emotions and your morll and intellectual compass.
If you are one careful to get caught up in other forms of irrational woo. If you are unemployed and poor , a good therapist might be out of your reach, ateending seminatries with Winell too. You can still bget a lot of free advice through her orgsniation and through other's, with simila experiences as you.
It's important to find a supportive community. Even if it's avirtual one it ca n be a tremedous help, finding supportive, intelligent, caring and accepting people. You are in a safe place here. You are talking to like minded people and do not have to confront believers if you don't chose to.
They appear here with their fearmongering and preaching sometimes but are usually taken to task by the community. Thery don't win arguments here since people are far to much knowledgeable,well read and experienced in religious matters here..
You never have to feel ashamed of your silly thought or neurosis or obsessions here.
Most important. Take care of yourself, love yourself as if you were your own child. Treat it with kindness. See to tha you eat and sleep well, give yourself rest and recreation. Try to find spmething to love and be passionately involved with. Create something, help someone.
Study, exercise, nature is soothing, if you feel you are without a frind in this world, a pet can do a lot for you.
If you can channel some of your feeling of depression and hopelessness in caring for this world, getting involved in politics to change things for the better you can find so much meaning in this unceartin existence of ours.
We don't know shit about any supernatural stuff, so better not speculate so much but deal with what little we know an what we perceive as real. Always willing to learn new stuff and revise old ideas and practises.
If all else fails, there are medication for deprssion that do help in many cases. And half of the population , young and old in many many modern countries seem to be on those. They are convienient ,to society to keep people a bit sedated and apathetic but are a lost resource for those who really suffer. and a lot better than self medication with alcohol and drugs.
The best words from teh bible and the truest ones I have found there is "perfct love cast's out fear". Love the wolrd and the creatures in it, it's the best antidote to fear. It is your ability to love that made it impossible for you to accept cruel and destructive religious dogma in the firts place. Trust that love!
Don't trust everybody speing of love. That might have a very twarted interpretation of what love is. And remember. Each and every one, no matter how much authority the have , popes and pastirs and philosopher and reformers and apologists - they are only speaking for themselves. Noone have more knowledge of the ultimate realty than the other. If they did they would be speaking with the same toung, tapping in to the same source as they claim to do. SO we should be be humble enough to accept "I don't know" and still never try to find answers using rational methods. And NEVER force our what we might have come up with down somebody elses throat unless asked. We should always suspect ourselves to be mistaken. This does not mean we are unable to be right. We should just base our opinions and thories on facts and sound open minded reason. And be willing to change given new information.