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About traveller2

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    Strong Minded

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    8 years out.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?

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  1. Yes it's highly plastic. Fake joy. When I was a boy it was held at a local church. I knew for a fact this church was quiet but it was full to capacity that day, I saw it on telly, everyone dressed beautifully for a church in a very deprived district. I get a " special joy" to see that church today. It got deconsecrated due to falling numbers and was set on fire by local neds. It still stands...just...roof blackened and gaping, the whole structure fenced off for safety awaiting demolition.
  2. It's great when the lord knows you're thoughts and you don't even have to use words. I was thinking about work last night before I went to sleep and five hour later I woke for my shift, no prayer said,nothing. #soblessed
  3. Though anxiety is more my thing, at several times in my life SSRI anti depressants have been a great help when very depressed. Have you considered this route?
  4. I dny really know you're situation having only recently returned myself after a long break, I kinda drifted off. I somtimes feel you're better not doing things that can't be undone. I would have regretted it to hav deleted my account. Why not take a good break and if it's right for you to come back in future then you will do so with you're account intact.
  5. Even as a Christian I hated that programme. You are talking about the British religious show? Vulgar programme.
  6. Welcome to the forums Datalady and I too enjoyed your testimony. You will get alot of support and help of this site.I remember thinking same things and feeling shocked first time I visited here long before my own deconversion. Good to hav another brit here with ur experience. I attended St Barnabas at Woodside Park for three years in the 1990s which is similar to Holy Trinity.
  7. what a great thread.so many folk with the same experiences.i identify alot with the poem and others responses of yrs of waiting on god.The promise always just around the corner.
  8. no of course not.I don't believe the OP in any thread has ownership over how the thread goes.The purpose of this site and this thread is to help people. Thanks both for your replies.I have been thinking about this area for awhile now.Makes sense as a way to pull people into the cult by appealing to a need so many people lack. It really struck me how this is personally true as a model for my life as a christian.
  9. holy spirit is the convicter of sin but the devil is the accuser;fucking semantics and bs.that shit pissed me off early. Interesting what you said about blaspheming the hs and ur experience that quick as a flashed you cussed the hs or whatever in ur mind.i had the very same expereince as a young man.i thought too i had sinned the unforgivable and was tormented by it for two yrs.a weird sort of inner tourettes for me.plus i thought i was demonised.
  10. In the time since I wrote my testimony on here I have been doing a lot of personal healing work. One of the reasons I went into evangelical Christianity was that I bought into the big lie that I would find healing and also socialisation both in gud and in the church I would find fatherhood that I had missed out on and a sense of family. I was not so foolish to believe that church would be like family for all that such metaphors were used .In actual fact in terms of dysfunction these metaphors were very close to the truth for me but it is my experience of the metaphor of the fatherhood of gud that I want to write this very short testimony about in the main though there are other paralells used. As I alluded my own family was extremely dysfunctional and in gud I sought the healing and fatherly relationship that was promised as being available. Its now been six years or so since I de-converted,I have lost count really. My own father was present in a distal manner. My parents did not separate till I was 10 or 11.When he was home he was either verbally violent to us,screaming into my face or locked away in his study and unavailable. However he made sure that he spent as much time as possible away from the house by leaving for work very early and coming home late or in our school holiday 'having' to go away on work/field trips.It was only recently that i discovered that these were not actually a requirement of his role. He was therefore around,tantalisingly close but uncommunicative or present but full of wrath and to be greatly feared. As my father away from home, I pined for him for week on end but would never get a phone call or postcard. I discovered gud is an interesting paralell. he is 'in relationship with us' and we assume and are told of his love yet his face is one of anger or just that he simply does not answer. We are expected to love and seek him but there is no communication in return despite our encouraged childlike (uuggggh) expectation. By his physical lack of existence he remains terminally absent from our lives. I became a Christian at 17,a year after I left school. I exchanged one institution for another because of the terror the big bad world held for me and the lack of social skills and identity within me that was the result of my upbringing. The high school for the church. A dysfunctional human father for an angry god. hope you can all follow my jumbled thoughts but it is very clear to me how this mistake happened for me and how I wasted some 15 yrs or so on it.
  11. Milesaway I also found your post in this thread helpful and so much of what you said i can ide3ntify with.
  12. Hi Slightly lost i am from the UK.Its a shame I did not see your post sooner as i was down in London last week and we could have met up for a coffee and a chat if you were anywhere near to there.Have a read of my extimony which I share my experience of Uk christian life, (under my profile pic is a link),and if you are not too put off by my rant then Pm me if you want to chat. I must say i found your testimony very helpful to myself as I understood so many things that you said from my own experiences.
  13. I finally broke through a stucture built on belief in gud as a real being that had kept me going for fifteen yrs in the face of the dichotomy and vast gulf between what christians say about love (an I assumed by extension acceptance of each other including me) and what was reality.I really did belive but christians were total cunts.I followed the pap eveangelical line that they were maybe not true christians or had not expereinced a deepeniong of faith or were sunday christians.It was to their eternal peril that they behaved like that. Then two things happened very quickly.1)I went to theological college and found the same thing there and somthing broke. 2)My marraige came to an end;similar reasons actually,i just couldn't take her emotional shit/baggage anymore. Everyone rallied round my ex wife coz i was the asshole husband gggrrrr and she was the sweet rejected christian wife.Behind closed doors it was quite different.I could never see how folk could not use their imagination and wonder if there was more to it than what they wanted to see.Later even a stranger told me 'there is ur side,her side and the truth'.However the great men of the church (who probably wanted inside my ex wifes knickers) could not see this. That was the end of it for me.Fifeteen yrs of subtle rejection followed by finding it even from trainee ministers. Then the divorce showed me who my freinds were.
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