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About openpalm45

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  • Birthday 06/12/1989

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    I was one of those Christians who never doubted my faith. I definitely never thought I would be here, yet here I am, and I've been here for over a year and a half now.
    My deconversion was incredibly fast. I was 100% dedicated to God, trying to do my best everyday to be the woman God had created me to be. I was always reading Christian books (and of course the Bible) trying to grow and be a strong woman of God. I finally began to realize that all of it was getting me nowhere, and that Christianity was actually doing me more HARM than GOOD. When I saw the negative affect Christianity had on me, that is when I finally opened my mind and thought "Maybe this isn't true?" That realization was terrifying, but then I found websites like this one and saw that I am not alone. I also did more studying and found less and less reason to believe. I wondered how I ever believed in the first place (Indoctrination of course).
    Most of my friends and family members are Christians and it has been incredibly isolating and difficult at times to be the odd man out. The deconversion process alone is also very painful and isolating. But I can only be honest with myself. I cannot pretend to believe something that I do not and see no reason to. I also refuse to go back to a religion that not only did personal harm to me and my life, but one that if you look at it objectively is completely unreasonable.

    So what do I believe now? I read and searched and thought for a while, asked a lot of questions, and ultimately I came to the conclusion "I dont know." This was very uncomfortable at first, especially after having been able to not only define myself so clearly and for so long, but also make sense of the world around me so easily. Sometimes I miss being able to have that definition and certainty, but I am getting more and more comfortable with no label. I am still open (but skeptical) to different opinions as to why were are here, is there a god, etc, but I do not stress about it like I did right after my deconversion. I am just trying to live my life the best way I can.

    Message me if you'd like! I love to talk to people on this site. You guys are pretty awesome.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    I know of no god

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  1. There were many things that led up to my deconversion but 2 main things. The first one being that even though I had been a Christian all of my life and had been seriously seeking God for over 3 years, I never had an "encounter" with him. My friends would talk about "God's presence" and would be on a Jesus high, and I felt nothing. For a long time I felt rejected by God. Then I thought he was trying to teach me something. It was prophesied over me that I would have a "break through" but that never happened. It got too emotionally draining chasing after a God who obviously didnt want me. The
  2. Margee! You are the best. Seriously. I think all of us agree that you are one of the best people we know (I even said that in a message I wrote to NYK). You are so incredibly warm, loving, and kind. If you see someone is hurting, you will write a 10 paragraph response, just to give them hope and let them know that you care, even if you dont really know them! I see it happen often. I dont know many people who love and care like you do. It is a beautiful thing. So, you had a bad day. Im sure thats the only time I have ever seen you respond like that. But even then, you care and you apologize
  3. The tights I wore last night smell like Fritos. Strange...

    1. nobodyyouknow


      If you tell me what Fritos are then I'll tell you whether or not I think it's strange too :-P


    2. openpalm45


      Fritos are corn chips! It just a brand name for them.

    3. openpalm45


      And I dont remember the last time I had corn chips, so Im pretty sure my legs dont smell like them.

  4. I still see some kindness and goodness too but often feel it is overwhelmed by the bad stuff in the world. I was 45 before I realised everyone else was not like me. Clearly I'm a bit S L O W. Just naive really, even though I grew up in a ghetto and have been through some devastating life experiences. I have no idea why it took me that long. I had to be utterly devastated by other human beings before I could give it up. Weird. I went through some crazy shit and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown before I learned that it was okay to have boundaries. Ive always felt different from every
  5. I dont know how many times I have felt taken for granted. Its one of my biggest fears now, and probably the main reason I am afraid of relationships. There is nothing worse than being taken for granted... Christianity deeeefinitely did not help. But thankfully I was in such horrible, shitty situations that I have had to learn how to say no and to have boundaries. Even though those situations were difficult and painful, I know that without them I never would have learned how to have boundaries. Hmm... Its a lot to think about. I think I am still naive in a lot of ways, but I really d
  6. You sound a lot like me when I was younger. Now I just realise people are assholes and don't get too affected by it. I expect people to be mean bastards now. Still don't like it though. I have largely withdrawn from people because I don't have the capacity to protect myself from their harshness Hmmm.. Yeah, when I read your earlier post I related a lot to what you said. I will gladly accept any advice you can give on how to shield myself! I dont want to be cold and harsh, but I dont want to be too vulnerable and shriveled and wounded either..,
  7. I agree. Im not interested in being defined or joining into some kind of self diagnosis. I just think it makes for interesting discussion and it can be helpful in understanding yourself and others. GAH I HATE THIS NEW QUOTE THING, I AM SO BAD AT IT!!! hahah
  8. My sensitivity can also be seen in my deconversion in how sad I am to lose the idea of justice in the end. I think about how many people have terrible lives. Starving, dying, sick people. Children who get raped, people who are never really loved. There is no god to right the wrongs and heal the wounds. There is no heaven for people to go to. That pain will never go away for them. There is no happy ending. There is no justice. This absolutely BREAKS my heart, and it has been the hardest thing for me to deal with since I have deconverted. Ill watch a sad documentary about people who hav
  9. Thats really sad. He must be afraid of losing his faith. Most Christians I know do not want to have discussions about their faith with me, but I have known 2 awesome exceptions. One girl, who is one of my best friends and a guy who I became friends with a few months ago. We were able to have honest, real, genuine conversations. It was really cool. At the end of one of the conversations with the girl she said "I know it doesnt make sense. I know it is illogical. But I cant not believe." At least she is honest!
  10. Also, in regard to leaving parties early: I am actually a very social person. I just need smaller groups and I prefer being around people I feel I understand because there is less information to take in. I think this particular issue is why I have a hard time being labeled as an extrovert or introvert. I am not shy and I love being social and being around people. But I do get over stimulated often, and need to be by myself. Sometimes I feel physically ill if I do not get that alone time. Edit: I am also very sensitive to things people say or how they treat me. I can get hurt more ea
  11. I know people tend to be skeptical of these kinds of things, with good reason, because its so easy to say "Oh, me too!" But I agree with others in saying it can help you understand yourself better. Even if I dont relate to all of the things listed that are traits for HSP, I definitely relate to a lot of them. For instance, I really do soak up how other people feel. Its difficult being in a bigger group of people, because its so much information that I am trying to process, and I get overwhelmed very quickly! I have often had to leave parties or social gatherings early for this reason. Or som
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