openpalm45

Female

France

Reading, music, good conversations, life, learning, growing, authenticity

I was one of those Christians who never doubted my faith. I definitely never thought I would be here, yet here I am, and I've been here for over a year and a half now.
My deconversion was incredibly fast. I was 100% dedicated to God, trying to do my best everyday to be the woman God had created me to be. I was always reading Christian books (and of course the Bible) trying to grow and be a strong woman of God. I finally began to realize that all of it was getting me nowhere, and that Christianity was actually doing me more HARM than GOOD. When I saw the negative affect Christianity had on me, that is when I finally opened my mind and thought "Maybe this isn't true?" That realization was terrifying, but then I found websites like this one and saw that I am not alone. I also did more studying and found less and less reason to believe. I wondered how I ever believed in the first place (Indoctrination of course).
Most of my friends and family members are Christians and it has been incredibly isolating and difficult at times to be the odd man out. The deconversion process alone is also very painful and isolating. But I can only be honest with myself. I cannot pretend to believe something that I do not and see no reason to. I also refuse to go back to a religion that not only did personal harm to me and my life, but one that if you look at it objectively is completely unreasonable.

So what do I believe now? I read and searched and thought for a while, asked a lot of questions, and ultimately I came to the conclusion "I dont know." This was very uncomfortable at first, especially after having been able to not only define myself so clearly and for so long, but also make sense of the world around me so easily. Sometimes I miss being able to have that definition and certainty, but I am getting more and more comfortable with no label. I am still open (but skeptical) to different opinions as to why were are here, is there a god, etc, but I do not stress about it like I did right after my deconversion. I am just trying to live my life the best way I can.

Message me if you'd like! I love to talk to people on this site. You guys are pretty awesome.

I know of no god