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About sarahinprogress

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    Strong Minded
  • Birthday 04/06/1987

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    knowledge seeking, crochet, painting, writing
  • More About Me
    Im the adult ex-christian daughter of a suspected narcissist (hard to tell in fundamentalist conservatism) who is starting to tell her story.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?

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  1. I have, and I will. After I've had my say, if I need to. This is about more than giving him a chance, it's about confronting abuse and calling it abuse. I'm not holding onto some hope that he'll change. I don't expect him to. But I will have my say. And then whatever comes next. That's what I mean by "we'll see."
  2. I completely agree. I have no memories of being molested but I have lately begun to wonder if I was, because I have very little memory of my childhood, and the memories I do have are all triggered by photographs...but I don't know enough about the science of repressed memories to hazard a guess that's what is going on, or if the memories are blocked because of emotional traumas, not physical ones. But I definitely felt very uncomfortable being around men alone in or from church, as far back as I can remember. I definitely can agree on piety as a gauge of deviance though, just from living around my father and dealing with his "guilt." Like, how he set up an internet blocker, not to protect me from predators or adult websites, but to keep *him* from his "porn addiction." How he made sure I knew he had a "porn addiction." Again, because he didn't want secrets between us. I mean, just the incestuousness of our relationship *without* anything physically sexual happening has been problematic. I really hope that it's all subliminal for him and that this confrontation will be a wake-up call, and that he'll seek help. Then again, he told me when I was quite young that he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and that the diagnosis was bullshit; A throw away diagnosis that they give when they aren't sure what is up. I didn't learn until last year that he went to counseling and "got help" for it, when I mentioned to my mom that I knew he had it. She looked confused when I said he had told me the above, like "why the fuck would he say something like that." So, I dunno. I guess we'll see.
  3. He told me when I was quite young (because he didn't 'want any secrets between us') that he molested all three of his siblings. I don't even remember how young I was when he told me that. When he found out I was deconverting (or shortly before, but I'm pretty sure just after) he asked me to read this story with no warning about the content, and I was really happy to be communicating normally with him at all at that point, so i, of course, excitedly read this story he wrote - about a serial rapist graphically raping a woman who then began to play along and act like she enjoyed it so that she could kill him and escape. so. I tend to believe him. My mother recently suggested that the one chance we might have is if we go to joint counseling so that there'd be an authority figure there(she intimated), because then he might listen, but she didn't think it would work now, or ever. I grew up mostly Calvinist, so there was a lot of shaming and self-hatred tied with superiority complexes and condescension, so really the ideal place for a narc to function and receive supply. Part of me wants to believe that he is unaware of it, but the other part already believes that he is, and that he has been malicious. It's a hard place to find myself but...I am glad that I can see both of those options now, instead of just blindly defending him.
  4. fuck, like I remember watching Disney channel and Nickolodeon and WISHING that I had that kind of relationship with my dad. But somehow I managed to bury all that and it's all surfacing now. It feels good and horrible, like a bone break healing. I think no matter what the outcome, it will be like finally removing the cast.
  5. Thank you. I'm learning recently a lot about narcissism and the more I learn the more points I can apply to him. We have been pretty low-contact since I left home, as he only really wants to talk about religion and I have no desire to do so with him, especially since he told me he'd become a 'murdering, raping, child molester' without it. The only way I'd be able to go no-contact is if my mother also decided to, since she lives with him, and if I want to visit her there I'll have to see him too. So we'll see. We'll see what happens when I confront him for his abuse. I really don't know what will happen. It could go either way. I have a feeling he'll be better for a little while and then get back on his shit, as that tends to be the pattern.
  6. I just finished reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and wow. just wow. it's been a rough 3 days. yesterday my spouse creature came home to me scream-crying in bed because I was finally letting out the anger and grief I have been holding in for half a decade. I was fimally accepting not only that my relationship with my father is really fucked up, not just in my head but really, actually, but that the relationship I believed we had once had was never real, and i knew it. Acceptance. I feel pretty good today, I cried a bunch yesterday, and today I feel.... light. I feel like I'm finally ready to begin preparing to confront my father for his lifelong abuse. I don't expect it to go well, or for him to hear me. in fact I expect him to blame-shift, gaslight, emotionally manipulate and attempt to shame me. but I'm going to do it, because otherwise, I'll never be truly feel free. I'll give him the chance to actually prove me wrong rather than just make me believe I am wrong. I have never felt more strong or whole, apostate ones. I finally see the board and I am taking myself off of it. I'll keep you posted, thank you as always for your support and the hope, comfort, and solidarity you offer.
  7. @older, WOW! it's incredible both, 1. how common fucking sense these are, and 2. how many of them I used to believe the opposite about. the ones that really hit me were Quote You have the right to feel all of your emotions (including anger) and express them appropriately. Quote YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO, WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY! Quote You have the right to say, "That is unacceptable to me." I've only recently begun understand that the boundaries I had with my father were not boundaries. We had no boundaries. Or that I could refuse to answer and question or say it made me uncomfortable. that I could say something wasn't acceptable, without explanation. It's also shocking (well, not really) to realize how many of these my father subverted. I recently told my spouse creature, "now, when I think of setting boundaries, no matter what they are, I just think of that scene in Captain Marvel where she tells him: 'I have nothing to prove to you,' and remind myself that I am enough without his approval or acceptance. And that I don't have anything to prove. Thank you for these. I'm going to bookmark them to look at when I need reminding that I am the only one responsible for my emotions, and that my emotions are the only ones responsible for. And to remind me that I have worth
  8. thank you @Fuego, I'm really trying to work through it instead of shut down and it's honestly been so rewarding. I'm amazed at how different I am now compared to then, when I was trapped. Now I'm free. Not just physically, but mentally, or getting there. It’s been so hard thinking about whether the abuse was intentional or if my father just...really doesn’t get it. Is he playing clever games or is he really oblivious? bit of both? Ultimately, it doesnt matter because the damage was done, regardless or intent. I feel better after my cry, but still so angry. but...I'm learning that, though my father taught me anger was selfish and wrong...it is so cleansing.
  9. I’m really struggling tonight, apostates. As you know if you’ve read this thread I have recently begun coming to terms with the fact that my father emotionally abused and manipulated me, both under the guise of religion and just because, *my whole life.* I have only recently begun to unpack that baggage and it’s hitting me so hard tonight. My spouse creature tries to be and is wonderfully supportive, but he grew up in a very different environment. I’ve been reading articles about narcissim due to some interactions between us recently, and so many memories are coming up about the abuse I suffered; Mocking, baiting, gaslighting. Im crying as i write this because Im just so angry and hurt for that poor child stuck in that covert abuse, trying so hard to keep her dignity and spirit and hope and goodness. I just needed to tell this to some people who might understand. I *hurt* but I also feel so good claiming my abuse. Abuse. I was abused.
  10. agree! Thermin Trees was A HUGE part of my coming to terms with morality, etc without god.
  11. I don't give to religious charities, or any money to anything religious but when I can I do try to give to secular organizations doing the same work, but better.
  12. un/luckily my dad's cluster B traits are now limited to me and religion. although he did used to tell stories about what a good liar he used to be and how he tricked tons of people into whatever the story is, all with a proud smile and of course with the aim of showing how bad lying is and how horrible he was before he "found" Christianity. also thank you for saying all of that because it exactly what I was thinking and it's good to have that validation.
  13. in addition to the already excellent suggestions, I tend to add "I'm here if you need someone to talk/rant/vent to," as I think sometimes having a non -religious ear can be very helpful for people with chronic or serious illness. I'm not going to tell them that it's all going to be okay, or expect them to be happy about the "trial God is putting them through," or try to fix whatever is "wrong," or offer unsolicited advice. what I am going to do is let them grieve their health and have a safe place to be upset and hurt without judgement!
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