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openbook

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About openbook

  • Rank
    Questioner

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Not Telling
  • Interests
    Literature and all types of music!
  • More About Me
    Very new to this. I am looking for a place where I can openly discuss how I feel.

Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Not Sure
  1. I saw a post recently that said only men that truly love Jesus can truly love others. This infuriated me. So your invalidating the love of millions of people just because they don't share your views?
  2. My fiance is an atheist and he absolutely refuses to "play church" , So I am at a place where I will eventually have to tell my family how I feel.
  3. Thank You! Do you have any advice for sharing this stuff with my fundamentalist family?
  4. I was raised a Southern Baptist. My parents made sure I was in church every time the doors were open. I was a leader in my youth group, a member of the choir, and attended youth group every summer. I was the girl in high school who brought up church in every conversation I had with every person I knew. When I met someone who was not "saved" I drove them crazy with my constant invitations to youth group and my Christian cliches like, "do you have Jesus in your heart?" I can honestly say that I wanted to believe. However, deep down, I always felt somewhat fake. People saw me as this perfect Christian girl, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get rid of this nagging feeling that I was not saved no matter how many times I prayed the prayer. I always felt like this was something that was my fault. My senior year, my youth pastor preached about how most kids who go to college lose their religion while being there. Something told me that I would be one of those kids, and that thought scared me to death. Before I left for college, I made the resolve that I would not lose my religion while in college. I did not realize how lonely college would be. Especially within the church doors...... When I started college, I knew absolutely no one there. My room mates were not nice girls. I also do not think that it helped that I constantly shoved my religion down their throats. I know I was obnoxious, but there was no reason for the cruelty. They often left me alone in the room and laughed about me behind my back. I tried to get involved in church groups, but I often found their "niceness" fake. People were always willing to smile and say hello, but no one was willing to get beyond that. For the first time in my life, I felt completely and utterly alone. Despite this, I put on my church face and smiled and pretended that everything was alright as long as I had my faith. Everything was not alright. My loneliness led to depression. I stopped eating. I could not sleep, and my grades quickly plummeted. None of my Christian friends seemed to notice this. The only positive thing that happened freshman year was that I met the love of my life and my soulmate. He was the one bright spot I had. He listened to me when I needed to talk and he never judged me no matter what I said. For the first time, I felt like someone really saw me for who I was and loved me despite it. He was perfect except for one thing. He did not go to church. I was faced with a dilemma. Either let go of this wonderful person who was quickly becoming my best friend to follow a faith that had left me feeling hurt and alone. Or compromise my faith for love. I made the compromise and four years later we got engaged. I am now planning my wedding to this wonderful man. After I entered my "unequally yoked" relationship, I began to notice hypocrisies in the church I had not noticed before. I noticed how many of my church friends ignored the loneliness and hurt of others. I noticed the judgement when I stopped attending church groups. Slowly I lost my faith in organized religion. After that, I began thinking about all of the bad things that happen. I also began asking myself questions like why would a technically good person go to hell? Just as I lost my faith in organized religion, I began to lose my faith in Christianity itself. I am getting ready to graduate college. I don't know what I am spiritually, but I do know that I have a firm belief in love. I genuinely love people, and I try to be the best person I can be. My family does not know about my loss of faith. It would devastate them if they knew I have left the flock. Sunday after Sunday goes by and I force myself to sit through sermons I no longer agree with. I know that eventually I will have to tell them, but I am afraid of what it will do to my relationship with them. I see how they talk about people who are not "saved". It hurts me to listen, because I know that is how they will talk about me. I know that they will pretend to be happy to see me, but on the inside they will be cringing and crying. I am just not ready to set those events into motion. I am also dealing withtrying to figure out who I really am. After 22 years of being told that who I am is defined by my religion, it is time to spend some time defining myself. I know I must not be the only person to go through this, but I am at a place where I have no one to talk to about dealing with this. Despite my fears about creating family rifts, it is nice to finally live my life the way I want to live it; not based on a set of rules that are impossible to follow. It is nice to determine for myself what is right and what is wrong. It is even better to know that I am creating my own path, and that if I fail or succeed, it is my fault and that I am in control of my own life.
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