I was going to post what Redneck Prof did in response to this: atheism actually brought me the peace, joy, love, and happiness I'd been promised by Christianity and spent 40 years desperate to experience. As a Christian, I never felt the "spark" or any of that stuff they said was supposed to happen. As a child, I assumed it was because I was "doing it wrong," because I was bad and unloveable, a "poor, miserable sinner." The older I got, the more I struggled. "God is love!" right? Then why did the presence of God in my life and heart do little more than make me feel anxious, worthless, and utterly paralyzed with terror? Where was all of the love that I was supposed to feel?! It wasn't coming from God. Or Jesus. Certainly not from his followers here on earth, either. So it must be because I'm really a terrible person, I question too much, I don't have enough faith, I think too much.
But then why did God give me an analytical mind and free will if I wasn't supposed to use it?
I also advocate not trying to define or label what you are and what you believe right now. It's very hard, after the black-and-white of Christianity. One thing I suggest (as I have to others in various newbie threads) is that you try "not believing" for a limited time, just as a test. If you have to before, pray about it and let God know and ask for forgiveness if you get hit by a truck during this time, etc. Whatever makes you feel safe and protected. Then, for a set period of time -- an hour, an afternoon, a walk around the neighborhood, whatever feels comfortable -- you are going to experiment with "not believing" all of the harmful stuff you're processing. The voices that tell you that your relationship is a "sin" and you have to be "all or nothing" with Jesus, all of it... it no longer exists for this limited period of time. Now. How do you feel? What do you do differently in your life? How do you approach things without that framing belief affecting everything? What changes?
The way societies, even Christian ones, have defined relationships has changed so much over time, and in different contexts. If "living together!" and "sex before marriage" is so sinful, why were there concubines? Why did biblical men have a bunch of wives? Why were brothers supposed to lie with their brothers' wives and knock them up? Why could wives just "give" their handmaidens to their husbands? If St. Paul says ALL sexual desire is to be stifled, why does the Church still advocate marriage anyway? Actually, there is NOTHING in the bible that says sex before marriage is "sinful"... it was the "if the wife isn't a virgin" that was a problem, because of property laws, because she was her father's chattel to be traded to her husband. We no longer live in a society where fatherhood can't be proven, where all the value a woman has is in her hymen, and where you need to marry at 14 because you will likely die by the time you're 30-40. There is no reason why couples in 2014 SHOULDN'T share homes well before marriage, assess compatibilities, why individuals should not get married at all or have children if they don't want to. We are no longer living in the fucking Bronze Age. Things are different. If you and your partner are truly and honestly in the relationship you want to be together, there's no "sin" at all. Do you know how many Christian marriages I saw amongst classmates and within my family because "living together is a sin!" and a couple of teenagers just wanted to have sex? Yeah, those ALWAYS work out well.