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rach last won the day on April 20 2015

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About rach

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    I am Rachel. I am always looking for the truth.
    I dream of going to space :)
    The god of the bible is my enemy

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    great spirit creator

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  1. After my mind broke free from the spell of Christianity I was able to look at everything in a new and more truthful light. I saw plainly the sado-masochism throughout the Bible. I found that S&M is central to the whole thing, the very foundation. The bible delights in its sacrifices and bloodiness. It makes leaps from hyper-sexual, in Song of Solomon, to hyper-violent: the Crucifixion. The Crucifixion solved no problem that the world was facing, it was simply a blood fest. That's the scariest aspect of the Bible for me. The combination of sex and violence which is what you'd expect of a psychopath. Anyone that falls for Yawheh and his son Jesus is falling into a trap, just like when people are seduced by psychopaths, they think "this wonderful man can't possibly be evil- look at all the good he's done." Jesus might have seemed to be good, and might have said some smooth words, but that doesn't mean he is not demented.
  2. I will never be able to come out because I will never be financially independent from my a-parents. I also would be at risk of violence since neither parent is mentally healthy
  3. The little girl just stood there with a flag. She wasn't being threatened. In fact she was given a lot of high fives and support. I am glad she ignored the street preacher. But the ones who have really taken a stand, are here (us, the ex-C-er's), who have been indoctrinated, and who have paid the price socially, emotionally and psychologically, for taking a stand against Christianity. It is very easy to take a stand for those who have never been indoctrinated and who have the support of others, and who are not facing any serious risks of harm for doing so. I've taken the risk of disagreeing with a Christian radio program A-mum was playing in the car and she got so mad at me she started screaming and could have lost control of the car. These are the risks ex-C-ers take every day. No one's ever given me a high five for what I've done, but that's ok, it's not about recognition, but fighting a quiet battle, the battle to be myself in a Christian system that demands me to be something else.
  4. Last time I had a major episode, people looking at me from the outside thought I was just 'on fire for God.' They thought it was god's spirit at work in my life, and a wonderful thing, and a prodigal son going home to the father. It was a f**%ing psychiatric episode, I was psychotic, there was nothing healthy or holy about it. I was even "preaching" to my friends in this deranged state. Thankfully they didn't take any of my advice, good thing I wasn't teaching a sunday school which is what the church would have wanted. I've had the bible hammered into my brain from the time I was 2 so of course my episodes are focused upon Christianity. Christians cannot recognize the difference between insanity and spiritual fervor- perhaps because they're one and the same. Whenever I see somebody "on fire" for god I wonder if they are having a psychiatric episode and don't realize it. Don't ever feel ashamed for having a mental illness. A lot of super brilliant, creative, gifted people have psychiatric issues- it's a double edged sword. I think it all comes down to how our brains are wired. My brain is wired to have periodic psychiatric attacks, and my thinking and behavior can be bizarre at times (there have been times when I believed I could jump out of a 100 story building and not be harmed), but I am also a capable artist in healthy times and come up with lots of creative ideas and perspectives my friends haven't imagined. Mentally ill people can convert from dedicated atheist to dedicated Christian or Christian to atheist in the time it takes to snap your fingers. There isn't much that can be done about this since our reasoning faculties get turned off when we have episodes and we are usually so convinced at the time that our thinking is right, we refuse to listen to anyone else's advice. But...we can recognize certain triggers and avoid them. Going to church would set me off. I know better than to put myself in that situation.
  5. The faith healing nonsense isn't confined to the Christian circle. I was desperately ill a couple years ago and went to see a specialist at the hospital. On the way out I stopped to check in with the nurse. She told me, "believe you will get better and you will." She insisted that I should say the words "I will be healed before I come back next time" to her. She became angry when I refused to do so. I explained that I do not know whether I will be healed or not and saying magical words has no power to actually heal. She proceeded to blame me for being sick because of "my negative attitude." The attitude of "faith healing" is pervasive in the medical community. These situations keep happening to me at doctors offices. And my primary condition is Autism...an obviously lifelong problem! I can understand how Christians can fall into the trap of faith healing. As Christians our minds were trained to operate on faith and the Bible is full of stories and promises about faith healing. But for doctors and nurses, there is no excuse. They are supposed to be smarter than that.
  6. Exactly how I feel. Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper, Peter Kurten, Jehovah/Jesus. All cut from the same cloth. The first time I started reading the bible for myself I had anxiety attacks. I never read anything like it. It doesn't just record violence the way a history book does. It revels in the blood. It made me feel a sense of doom and dread for myself and all others on this planet that has never gone away since. The bible literally makes me sick.
  7. Wonderful article. I absolutely agree. I grew up inside fundamentalism. I know what it does to the mind. To be honest, it's horrifying. I developed fantasies of stabbing people. Why? Because simply, there was no outlet for anger. I was not allowed to be angry or to disagree with people or to get my space from people that were pushing me too hard. I was not allowed to be a human being with emotions. For two years I wore a creepy smile almost all the time. You would never have known what was going on inside. And so I am not going to point my finger at Josh or any other criminal because I've come close to being a criminal myself. I am going to just say that living in an oppressive environment creates mentally unwell people and if you spend some time reading about serial killers you will see that.
  8. "It's all about yooouuu Jesus".....methinks the lady doth protest too much. Standing there at song time (I always opted out of actually singing, to the dismay of my a-parents) I realized something. It wasn't about Jesus. It was a vocal gymnastics competition occurring all down the pew. Each man and woman, especially the women, trying to outdo their neighbor. Good grief. & It wasn't even a good song.
  9. I have always been an incredibly spiritual person, and I'd argue, more spiritual than any of the fervently religious people I've ever known. Religion and spirituality are not the same thing at all. Religion is about worship of a particular leader (Jesus, in our case) and obedience to the commands of the leader. Religion is political, not spiritual (no wonder so many Christians are obsessed with politics). We were part of the kingdom of Christ. It was a monarchy. It never really had anything to do with morality. It was just, obey the master, and hope for rewards. Spirituality is heart-led. You don't have to have a god or master. I believe in higher powers but I don't know who they are and I don't live to serve them. I will never again devote my life to a being who hasn't even cared for me enough to meet me face to face. Spirituality means using my brain and my conscience and my heart and everything that is within me to do the best I can in each circumstance that I find myself in. It is a lot harder than Christianity because there are no direct answers and no certainty. It is much more morally demanding because there is no Christ to wipe my slate clean every time I do something wicked. If I do something foolish or wicked, I have to own it. This is painful, and this is how maturation occurs. I'm evolving. Undergoing the process of evolution is the best thing I ever did for myself. Most of my peers from Sunday School are the adult version of what they were when we were 12. I am something else. I'm not the Rachel I was at 12. I am changed, for the better and it's not through Christ, but through effort.
  10. Reality is I cleaned the shower today and I'll have to clean it again like clockwork for the rest of my life, or it will mildew. And clean the crumbs out of the toaster! Reality is having to check every night that the garage doors down and the fence is locked. Reality is experiencing the deaths of many family, friends, pets and acquaintances. Reality is that sometimes my best is good enough and sometimes it's not. Some people love me for reasons I cannot explain, and some people hate me viciously even though I've hardly even crossed paths with them and don't know the reason for their hatred, maybe they just hate my existence for reasons I'll never know. Reality is getting lost in a beautiful novel and for awhile I'm the heroine until I snap out of it but I never really do snap out of it. Reality is setting the alarm clock every night and checking it a few times, and knowing dad might have a heart attack sometime, inviting a friend over to your apartment for the first time, and the soul-wrenching pain of broken dreams, and dreaming new dreams, and losing yourself, and finding yourself, and losing yourself again, and picking up the pieces, and walking when you want to sleep. Reality is to not know what's around the bend but to cautiously walk towards the bend anyway. Reality is where you already are.
  11. I'm God and I'm a maniac and I want to play a game. Here are the rules. Everyone is automatically entered. I lock you all in a huge building and tell you that I will ignite the building at any minute. It could be seconds from now, or it could be decades from now. I like to keep you guessing. But I promise you, I will ignite this building and without warning. But if you will sacrifice your most innocent and perfect individual to me, I will offer the rest of you an escape. The way out is: take a left, then a right, another right, straight down the corridor, third door to the left, left turn here, down the stairwell, get into the elevator and go to the 111th floor, turn right..........Oh by the way, you did happen to notice I'm criminally insane? First I locked you inside a building. Then I terrorize you with impending burning. Then I force you to murder somebody to save yourself. Then I give you confusing, bullshit instructions for how to escape. You see I am a very clever God. I gave each of you a different set of instructions. I like to see you argue amongst each other. I like to see you follow my instructions only to find that they each lead to a brick wall. You see, the only kind of games I play are the kind that can't be won. There is no way out of this building. You trusted me! You lose! The winner is the one you sacrificed, for at least she doesn't have to play along in my mad game.
  12. I'm horrified about "coming out." I hate being fake and sooner or later I'm going to be found out as a nonbeliever. Likely to end up without a home if that happens and I already struggle with feeding and clothing myself. My biggest fear is violence. A-parents are not emotionally stable and are very aggressive for Christ. They also would force me into Christian counseling at their church. I've been wanting to ask them to stop praying for me and stop speaking to me of Christ, but that would put me at risk of being found out.
  13. Yes my adoptive family, and it's bad. It's especially my a-parents. It is so bad that I feel dirty to listen to it and have to excuse myself. It is literally every Sunday, they come home from church, and at lunch time they start ripping the other church people to shreds. These are the church people they've just spent an hour or two with and convinced that they love them. When they come home the mask comes off. If only I could video record their hate-and-bullying sessions and show it to the victims, but I can't, because it would be too upsetting. What happens is my a-parents will sit down to lunch and then start ridiculing the people they just saw and spoke with at church, classic bullies who feel good about themselves by debasing others. I know one of the boys they victimize. He is nice as could be. They love to make fun of his weight and how "stupid" he is, and they make fun of his whole family and even his love life. They taught my sister to ridicule him by imitating him. Now my sister has learned, by their encouragement, to be a bully herself. Yes, I bear the disgrace of calling these people my parents. I have confronted them many times about this and it only led to them targeting me with their hate. They are Exemplary Christians. They pray before the hate sessions begin. They teach Bible classes. Jesus is their "all in all." They are pathetic human beings with no morality to speak of. All I can do is strive to be the opposite of all they are.
  14. I was an attender at church for a long 15 or so years. My Saved! peers knew me well, and loathed me. I couldn't do anything right in their eyes. I was not smart or pretty and didn't know how to socialize. Those were my greatest sins. I didn't have nice clothes or shoes, in fact I was usually dressed in the same ratty old dress every week, with big glasses. Walking into sunday school with all those haughty eyes upon me, and all those empty seats which suddenly weren't available, I might as well have been sent to hell every Sunday. But they loooooved me. They ridiculed my looks, excluded me in conversation, laughed when I couldn't answer the questions right, and found it hilarious when I took the bible "too seriously" and cried and self-harmed because I was afraid I'd go to hell (the place they passionately warned me about every week). But they looooved me. They wanted my soul saved. Why exactly did these people give a damn about my soul? They hated everything about me. I couldn't be on their team at game time but they wanted me to live with them forever and be part of their eternal family? Bloody hell. One of the boys used to torment me at singing time. I couldn't sing, just couldn't keep up with or understand the words on the screen, so I'd just stand their quietly or mouth some jibberish words to myself. He liked to make a scene about me not singing. Today he's an "evangelist" who preaches against bullying. I've never heard one word of apology from that fool. If I saw him today, he'd tell me how much he loooooves me. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Their Jesus must be just like them. Another false friend.
  15. An eternity of blissful paradise, health, happiness, and freedom neverending..... at the cost of having a man painfully slaughtered for you, torn into shreds alive for you.... Is Not Worth It!! To live in a golden heavenly palace..... whilst the dog you loved and cherished for 15 years rots away in the ground..... Is Not Worth It!! To skip through fields of gold, singing "I'm not perfect just forgiven fa la la la la la la la laaa"..... Whilst a Buddhist monk, who denied himself the pleasures of flesh, who strived with every fibre of his being to be perfect while he was alive, breaths flames of fire into his nostrils and screams unrelentingly...... It's Not Worth It!! To feast at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.... After 1000s of years of human and animal torture to achieve this "happy ending"..... It's Not Worth It!! A human being dies of old age with happy memories and enters eternal happiness... An animal forced to spend 40 years caged away in a laboratory, tortured unspeakably, dies and goes, nowhere. Never getting one happy second of life..... It's NOT WORTH IT!! Listen, I will be HONORED to go to nonexistence with all the tortured animals. I will go there gladly. Just please, don't let me end up in the paradise hell of Jesus Christ. And I think anyone with a heart would have to agree.
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