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moanareina

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moanareina last won the day on October 4 2014

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About moanareina

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    Life, art, poetry, people, traveling, science, whatever. Finding likeminded people.
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    Hm...at the moment I am 36 years old and out of christianity for about 6 years. It was a huge step for me, radical though, the detoxing as I call it was a process and is still going on. At the moment I came to the conclusion, that I will always be different to people who grew up atheist and thats why I am here :-). I live in Switzerland in a small and cute village. While I work an undemanding job, I am getting my so called maturity paper in case I decide to go to university. Thats a result of my christian upbringing that tought me not to know myself...so I still wonder what I might become when I grow up. I don't consider myself an atheist and am open to spirituality, though I only follow whats on my heart. No weird believes, no gurus no spiritual leaders etc.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    None I could name

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  1. Loneliness is knocking on my door all the weekend...not so cool. So far I managed not to open the door though...

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. directionless

      directionless

      Good luck with the p :)

    3. moanareina

      moanareina

      Haha, thanks, arrived today, finally...and that's been the turning point so far :-).

    4. offtheromanroad

      offtheromanroad

      How are you now, moanareina?

  2. For me it was somewhat emotional and philosophical. Not sure if you can call philosophical intellectual. Somehow I see it as something in between. Because I never really did a fact check like studying science books or so. But I did a check on my own convictions on a philosophical level. But what I can say for sure, it has never been a decision. It just happened. Step by step, one by one. Maybe it would help you if you write down the things that trouble you. What is giving you difficult times. Then discuss this with your therapist and see how he can help you with the emotional side of it. My therapist tells me the same about other things. In spring I had a depressed episode of three months. During that time I had a conflict with my birth mom. And I got into the idea of wanting to find out all about my adoption, finding out if she lied to me and what really happened etc. (it's a complicated story...). I wanted to find out what kind of mental she is. My therapist stopped me by telling me that I would not get better by finding out the truth. I would only get better by learning to deal with the emotions that got triggered by this conflict. It took a bit more to convince me but I am getting there... I guess it won't hurt in your case to find more evidence and all. And it might also help you to get there with your emotions. But there is also a component that needs time and all to process. It took me a lot of thought and processing, as I said more on the philosophical part, to toss the doctrine of heaven and hell. To think it all through till it just made no sense anymore.
  3. How many "end-times" did you survive? I think if I count them it is about twenty or so...my dad and granddad already told us we would live in the end times. How many peaks did it have already? WW1, WW2, cold war, more war here and there... There is no end-times as much as there is no global revival...which has been promised by the church over and over...it's just around the corner...but never really comes...lalalaaa... But for real, try to distract yourself. Stop reading the news, it is not helping and not relevant for your very life either. Unless you want to travel to one of the places. See a good friend, read a nice book, watch a light hearted movie. Anything.
  4. I have weird neighbors. Just was at the laundry room doing laundry and they walk in, look at me as if I was an alien and leave without saying a word...how about hi, how are you?

    1. FlowerDemon

      FlowerDemon

      people are strange.

    2. yunea

      yunea

      That's one reason why I keep pet snails. They stare at you so weird all the time, people's similar stares don't seem quite so bothersome anymore. :P Seriously though, I wonder how even a friendly smile seems too much to ask for sometimes.

    3. moanareina

      moanareina

      Maybe they don't learn this up north because winter is dark and no one sees much there...haha...my neighbors are all Finns.

  5. DL, I think it would be good if you saw your GP sooner than at the end of the year and I think it would be good if you got a general check up. Means you get your blood tested for: Iron and vitamins (especially VitD and VitB complex) thyroid hormones (very important...if you have malfunction of your thyroid it can cause tons of problems and they seem to be psychiatric or psychosomatic when in fact they are physical). Blood sugar and just to be on the safe side: Liver function Kidney function Colesterol (both) White blood cells and red blood cells and amount of blood
  6. No FTNZ I have no diagnosis of celiac disease but I do have a sensitive intestinal tract and I had to stop taking Ritalin again because I got trouble with my digestion. Now the question is, have those troubles been there and the meds intensified them or are they directly caused by the meds. Thing is, I wake up feeling dehydrated weather I take meds or not. I also feel shaky often and the meds probably just made me more aware of it. And I have never been to any natural health practitioner. I had a severe candida infection in Spring 2014 because I took antibiotics due to stomach problems I had in Guatemala. My tongue has a thick yellowish layer on it and I felt weak and my body felt shaky...I visited a doc in the US because I was traveling still and got nystatin to wash my mouth and swallow and I also took probiotics. When I got back home my doc here did not see the need to continue the treatment but he only looked into my mouth and asked me some questions... I always have a thin yellowish layer on my tongue. When I took the Ritalin I felt like it got thicker but it could be just me over-observing... So I have a doctors appointment for the coming week to get it all checked.
  7. Yes DL...seems like your observations might be very accurate. I wake up lately with shaky feelings. And a slightly depressed mind. It makes me lay in bed way longer than I want to. I wake up in a weird state of mind that feels like I experienced something crazy or important but it actually goes away the more I try to be here instead of figuring out what it is. I often wake up feeling really dehydrated. It is why I made a doctor's appointment because it sucks...and I want to know if it is something with my body. Also because it feels more like it is caused physically than psychologically (Skills don't work with physical stuff...another perk of practicing mindfulness...to distinguish what is emotional and what is not). Could be sugar though I checked my blood-sugar this spring and it was all good. Could also be celiac disease or my body still fighting candida...but to know there is no way around seeing a doc. Are you often feeling dehydrated while drinking enough water? If yes, please see your general practitioner.
  8. Or...you could just leave it and let it be good for now . I don't think that it would be ungrateful if you would do that. You had an experience, you met something that your mind thinks was God or Jesus (sorry if I get this wrong) and thats ok. If there is more to this, why should God hide it from you and make you go through all the weirdness to actually find out about that? And what a friend would that be who gives you such a hard time with everything? Would that not be more like betraying you? Would you do this to someone you call a friend? Do you really think God would want you to try to figure something out and risk your sanity by sliding into an anxiety mode? Does that really make any sense? And yes, being burned out is not fun. Take care of yourself...use the energy you have left to find rest and to be good to yourself instead of stressing yourself with these mind games. When I am in a stressful phase I start having weird moments while sleeping in. I take that as a warning sign that something is not quite right and I need to do something about it. These are weird memories too and the last thing I try to do is to try and access them. They will not bring any clarity about anything. And since I know they are a subconscious reaction to stress there is only one thing to do, try to root myself in reality. Forget that weird feeling and focus on the moment, now. And then to take the steps necessary to prevent it from happening again.
  9. Why do you consider them important memories? What is the importance of those memories or better why do you find it important to remember what you can't remember? What is so memorable about it? About something you can't grasp? Go with what you are comfortable with. Really. I tell these to people who are believing in God in any way. That I am feeling more whole when I embrace the possibility that God does not exist. And I tell them that I firmly believe if God exists, he is cool with that. Because if he is all loving and has only my best in mind, that actually is my best and he would know why I feel and think this way. Yes there are good books out there about DBT. Though they might focus a little more on borderline personality disorder since it is somewhat the no 1 method to treat BL. If you can look past diagnosis and take what is helping you then it sure is a good idea to look into it. I have read The Buddha And The Borderline by Keira Van Gelder. It is her story and it explains dialectic and pretty much all about DBT quite well. Though was more of an extreme case of Borderline. The people in my skillsgroup including me (have no full diagnosis anyways) are way more stable. Maybe because they already are in therapy for quite a while.
  10. You know, memories are tainted do you? Even people who never had anything like psychosis can have this experience. I know I have had memories I only know they where not real memories because they where pretty odd. Like I remember once having been at a ski resort with my adopting mom and having slept outside in a cradle with a sheep fur. This is and has been a very real memory but there was no way my adopting mom would have let me sleep out in the cold by minus temps...also me not freezing to death...and I was already too tall to fit in a cradle. So why should I try and go back into those memories? They have been dreams, just very real ones. I had other memories like that. Why do you need to go back into any memory? It is truly not essential for your present mental health. And I guess that is why your therapist is not interested in discussing it with you. The question is, what do you feel and think about God now? If God was part of your psychic experience and wanted to tell you something, don't you think he would have done so again? And why would he use such ambiguous ways to tell you something? Do you really think if God was real he would want you to be in a psychic state all the time? Yes, if you go back and try to understand your psychosis it will leave you disturbed. There are things we will never fully grasp and this experience might be one of these things. For you I think it would be important to be prepared if something like this would happen again. And to deal with present moment life. But going back to try to understand it is actually self harming behavior. As you say yourself it is not helping. If God was in this, what would he actually wanted you to know? If you can't name it, just leave it because if God wanted you to know something, don't you think he would be clear on it and do it in a way you could grasp? Otherwise it just makes no sense at all...
  11. I am a very bad person because you know...I just cut all contact to my birth mom and it felt good from the moment I hit that "block this contact" on FB and WhatsApp and other things...and it still does. So much peace and no constantly feeling alert to what might come from her even if it wasn't all bad. So I really don't care how bad of a person that makes me to be... I always thought I had to give her a chance, I had to try harder to build this relationship, I always thought it was up to me that this relationship was not going anywhere...but you know what? No. It is not. I gave her so many chances. I tried many times. I swallowed my pride and for the sake of relationship gave her the benefit of a doubt again and again...and she just didn't get it. She just accused me of the exact things I actually tried so hard to get past. Like she told me I could not let go of things while I just let go of many many things and thought: if you knew...you would not say such things. I didn't know if she knew because it seems either she knew but can't really give in or she is so absorbed by herself that she only sees her perspective and all. Maybe one day I will be open to meet her again. But till then I am caring for myself and don't worry about it. Now I said I am a bad person for doing this...was of course meant sarcastically. But that said, there is nothing wrong with being a bad person. Everyone is allowed to be a bad person and in the end I think we are neither good or bad, we are good and bad at the same time and everything in between and it is all part of being human, and necessary to live a balanced life. So, love whoever you love, like whoever you like, and don't whoever you don't...it is your right.
  12. Have you talked about your concerns with your therapist. I mean have you asked him if he is frustrated with you because you do not change? Is that his observation too? Or is this what you think and feel about yourself? Did you really not change so far? How could you test this to be true? And hey, what you say about Spock...we just discussed a skill called Hero Of Your Everyday Life a few weeks ago. Means: You find a real or fantasy person who you think is sane and sound and could be a sort of a role model to you in difficult moments. Someone you could remember and think: Wait a moment, what would he/she do or think? So why not find a way to remember Spock if you feel something weird is coming your way? So how is your life going when you say right now you do not have problems with all of that but you worry about it? Somehow then I would say it is causing you problems right now...or why else do you fear so much? Why else is this a topic for such a long time already now? Why else is it hard for you to let go of that fear and worrying if it is not a problem right now? DBT gives you a lot of tools or so called skills that help you first of all to recognize what is going on, then to decide if you need to soothe yourself first because you are in an emotional state that does not allow you to think clearly and take decisions that are not harmful for you and also to know what you need to do that, then to also be aware of early warning signs that help you to know you need to be careful and take good care of yourself etc. I think it's pretty cool because it is not about working through the past or so. It is about dealing with the present moment and situation. When the past is an issue it is about how to understand if your emotions are old emotions that come from another situation and have been triggered or if it is a normal spontaneous reaction totally appropriate to the situation. If you think that's something that helps you, talk to your therapist about it. Otherwise you can learn those things on your own if you feel stable enough to do so. And something else. When I am really down I find comfort in the song Wake Up Dead Man by U2. And I think it has nothing to do with Jesus in the song...but with the lyrics and how they word exactly how I feel in those moments. Somehow I feel like wow, someone just felt the same way about life and this planet and made a song and it touches my heart.
  13. Sounds a little like one who suffers panic attacks and then has panic attacks because he is afraid of panic attacks. Did this so called incoherency cause you trouble in the past and if so how long ago was that and how often did it happen? You know, when I am talking to my therapist about such things she always brings it back to this: You will not change your behavior or feelings by figuring it all out. I think there are things you will not solve by thinking it though again and again. Maybe this is such thing and what you might need to do is, to focus on life as it happens. Present moment awareness skills are a real help for this. When I get into thought patterns that carry me into a weird state of mind it helps best to just focus on the moment, look at something and identify the colors of my surrounding, take a deep breath, trying to feel the ground under my feet. Simple things. It usually feels like getting out of a weird dream and landing in reality again. It's a good trick to trick the tricking brain...If you practice mindfulness once in a while you also get more awareness of when you get or are in a critical moment and what to do then. I am really happy that I have the chance to learn these things in DBT. And you know...at the end, we all have some lose or missing screws. I know that I have...that my brain and nervous system is more sensitive to sensory overload...and therefore I am on the line to depression like almost every day...wake up in a slightly depressed state usually...having to put in much effort to lift my spirits and get the day started. It's called ADD...another term for hypersensitive...and it's very common...
  14. Have you ever familiarized yourself with the concept of dialectic? It says, that there can be two seemingly opposites to be true at the same time and it is us who need to find a dialect between the two. Sounds kinda like that to me in your case. If you look at it from a rather philosophical point of view in logic there is a difference between contrary and contradictory. If you look up the logical square you will find the following relations: A is true and A is false are contrary. They can not be true at the same time but they can both be false at the same time. A is true and A is sometimes true is subaltern and the second follows the first but the first does not follow the second. A is sometimes true and A is sometimes not true are subcontrary. They can both be right but they can't both be false at the same time A is not true and A is sometimes not true are subaltern as well. Now, A is true and A is sometimes not true are contradictory. They can not be true at the same time and they can not be false at the same time. If one is right the other one is false. The same is for A is false and A is sometimes true. So the question now would be, can you really assign Christianity to either one of em...? Is all of Christianity always false? This is my personal opinion about this: Christianity has imported important aspects of society because it is people who give religion a face. So there are many things that are true and helpful to society but there are also very outdated aspects and untrue ones that got used to control and manipulate...which is not really a religious thing but a societal phenomena. Otherwise it would never have been implemented into politics during the middle ages. You find a lot of "Christian principles" in other religions and philosophies. They are good and right not because they are Christian or represent aspects of Christianity. They are good and right because they have been there for ages and existed without religion. Therefore I would say there is a relation that goes like this: Christianity is sometimes right and Christianity is sometimes wrong. A subcontrary relation. So you really don't have to worry your brain has it wrong. You probably just know there is more to it that right and wrong...and therefore we get back to dialectics...find your middle ground...find all that is helping you and sort out the junk. And this was a short philosophical view with a little psychology in it , and not so much a historic or even scientific view.
  15. I felt embarrassed for quite some time but this has passed with me moving on and on in my journey of life. Today I can say with boldness that I have been a member of a fundy church for many years and also why and how it came I left. I guess it has also to do with the years and distance I have now...it's exactly eight years in December that I have left church to find God on my own...and ending up losing faith all together. But also a big role played my current process of building up self esteem and radically accept myself. It has started about two years ago with some speeches I watched online about radical acceptance and self love, a week where I meditated exactly on these topics (with the very speaker of this speeches) and then the DBT I started this spring. I have always been more on the liberal side of the spectrum but being fundy christian of course also shaped my mind...but that unshaped somewhat naturally and one by one. We all have a small mind in certain areas and no one is perfect. And, we all change our minds once in a while. So there is no need to feel ashamed for saying something like that. And if you realize you said something small minded and why it was small minded and all, that's a great thing I would say. Something you should and can be proud of. You will automatically head to the mind that your personality actually has if you are true to yourself and accept where you are right now and that it is exactly the place you need to be. It is not a requirement to be openminded...but to be yourself and to feel good in your own skin is something we should all strive for. Just be and enjoy the company and as long as they are talking to you they are cool with you I guess :-).
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