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About zuker12

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    IT, Gaming and game design, philosophy and religion, keyboards and general DIY-fugduggery
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    I am an ex- christian (went through a most insane thrift which caused me multiple problems which I've learnt to deal with). Something with christianity never clicked me and examination made me distance from christianity. I wanted to come here to examine mainly topics related to christian theology, but another area of interest to me is the paranoia and confirmation bias that the most zealous christians have.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    The paranoid none

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  1. I know, and these occult shenanigans typically seem like just that; people having various beliefs, and fooling around, some displaying bad characteristics, some not. This would not even matter if these were not accused of systematic ritual murder and various criminal activity. I do not really believe that there are a mass of human sacrifices in all world governments each year, or that there are super-organized satanic families doing all kinds of wonky stuff in daycare centers; however it bothers me that there are a few "Illuminati defectors" and the like. Not in the thousands or even in the hundreds, but enough to make one wonder. One particular dude which has become my "pet peeve" of sorts (probably a triggerer of OCD/anxiety as he linked almost everything to his or the Illuminati's supposed activities and maybe the reason I'm asking) is this John Todd, an "ex Grand-Druid". He alleged various things; many of them either false or half-true, like in that he knows the concepts but doesn't understand what they actually mean. His MO has been to basically name drop everyone and anything; then implicate those persons or organizations as satanic or dabbling in nasty business. A central point of contention has been whether he served as a Green Beret in Vietnam; his official military records show this to be false. However, he has claimed that the Illuminati destroyed or sealed his records after he was involved in a totally maniac "downtown shootout" and killed an officer in Stuttgart. (in the link below, this is not the given reason, but rather the fact that he was supposedly part of the Phoenix Program, the infamous "mass assasination" program in Vientam, and the military has sealed the records of each and every participant in the Phoenix Program - this record sealing business is probably false, but I was unable to gather a proper answer.) Note that telling you have an official title or military position that you don't actually have is rather standard lie-telling when you want to embellish your achievements - mayors have done it and gone to jail for that. http://www.dissident-net.info/john-todd/ If anyone can do this, I would like some help with finding out the truth of this issue, as here he says a friggin' newspaper outed him as actually being a Green Beret - the military being somehow spectacularly incompetent by outing supposed top-secret records or information on top-secret records to a newspaper journalist, even when this was supposed to be an Illuminati "super-secret". He says that this happened in The Record newspaper in Columbia (probably Columbia Record), probably in the year 1987 (could be also any year from 1987-1991) as he was being jailed in South Carolina. I would like to confirm this; but searching online newspaper archives of South Carolina newspapers yielded nothing, except that John Wayne Todd, "a survivalist" was going to be prosecuted and that he was going to sue the state for mishandling some evidence. Unfortunately it seems the Columbia Record in itself is not available as an online archive, and only available as microfilm from the Richland country library, which I have no realistic access to. I don't think there is nothing, as this is not new on the embellishment front from him, but it would be interesting to see if what he says has merit - if he was a Green Beret, was he still deluded, even if they falsified his records for being in Vietnam? Why would the government do that? Anyway, I'm not capable to access the library physically, but would still like to confirm if what he said was actually true. Also a new thing in the life of this conspiracy boi is that he apparently has not died: https://www.henrymakow.com/witches_rule_illuminati_said_j.html "Now how could he have died on the 10th of November 2007 and then have filed a claim on the 28th of November contesting his own death? Then there's more, I did a background search on John and found out that from 2008 until this present day he's been at Columbia Regional Care Center and I found out that Columbia Regional Care Center is owned by GEO Care Inc., which is an Illuminati company that builds privatized prisons and FEMA Camps."
  2. Man, that sounds tough. I do wonder sometimes how these connections are made: for example, Tolkien and C.S. Lewis are often accused of atleast semi-deliberate occultism, magick and satanism in their writings. A "prominent ex-occultist" (John Todd) even said that Tolkien was required reading in "witchcraft religion" initiation (which is possibly not Wicca, but some sort of mish-mash of every non-christian philosophy and religion - he implicated almost everyone in his master conspiracy theory). This seems to boil down to 1) Lewis and Tolkien were not your typical fundamentalists, and Tolkien was even a Roman Catholic (gasp!) 2) Lewis dabbled or struggled with paganism and occult ideas at some point in his life 3) Tolkien incorporated stuff from his academic study, which means it's real paganism 4) Tolkien and Lewis were in the Inklings, a literary group lead by their close friend Charles Williams who was an occultist, at least in theoretical study, and was a member of Rosicrucians and the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn. (Tolkien and Lewis have been accused of being members too, but there is no proof of this AFAIK and Tolkien even cautioned against Williams' practices Musicians and artists are often accused of collaborating with the government, the occultists either willingly or unwillingly because they either hung or were born around these people or were complacent in taking drugs or had occult beliefs themselves. (If you have an occult belief, no Christian beliefs are valid from that point on for the fundamentalists) One reason.I am curious is that if such forces exist, can I trust my lines of reasoning against the validity of Christianity? Philosophical ones might stay, but what about archeological evidence, literary evidence? Isn't there a chance that they are manipulated, or falsified?
  3. A questionnaire for y'all: Did you believe in an occult conspiracy back when you believed? Why, what arguments were given? With occult conspiracy, I mean the sort, where organized pagans/witches/etc. are trying to take over the world, are massively organized (lead by Satan through spiritual contact) and funded, which commit heinous dark rituals hidden from plain sight and generally try to destroy Christianity (and often all other forms of religion too aside from Satanism/Luciferianism). This was the sort of the thing that drew me instantly in to Christianity - nowadays I don't know what to think about it. I initially got drawn in after reading some dramatic testimonies and then some theoretic info on the Illuminati. I think the testimonials did it for me... Nowadays it feels and seems like a load of bunk, but the world is full of evil, with organized criminals, backwards beliefs and general nastiness espoused by various people at various times. In some ways I don't think it's surprising, as I've read a lot of stuff over the years and as much as we think with secular lenses in our western world, what I notice time and time again is that surprisingly heavy undercurrents of magical thought and supernaturalism abound even in our western world - although we have less of the excesses, like in Africa medicine killings/muti killings are a social phenomenon. Sometimes they even are semi-organized, protected by a protection racket (where the medicine men are extorted since they are basically committing horrible crimes.) As a special note, Illuminati has been blamed many times for world domination conspiracies, even back in the 18th/19th century, when rulers and clergymen basically did not like these secret societies (and they were blamed for attempting to bring an anti-God/atheistic, rationalist world into existence)
  4. Finnish neopaganism interests me. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finnish_neopaganism

    1. Deva


      Paganism in general interests me. Thanks for the link.


  5. I've started the writing process. It has already made me feel better. Just now looking up the "phases of deconversion" sticky, I think I am definitely in the 2nd or 3rd phase of deconversion. I will admit there are doubts about this, the fear of repercussions, but this is the only reason I am staying back. I no longer feel guilt over doing bad things. I just fear the wrong choice, as much as I realize it's absurd to feel this in this guessing game. Regarding the messages, their internal consistency is low, since they really are not "godly" as I understand it - and they can be interpreted in so many ways. I don't know why I would be expected to learn anything from these messages, why such a hideous form of communication is used with a problem child such as I, and to what lengths had the world have to be altered just to get these messages delivered to me? With a natural viewpoint, there are so many messages and so much info coming in at any given time in our information age that if we obsess over these things we are bound to focus and come up with the things that seem to affect our worldview somehow. The best explanation is, that this is in my mind and nowhere else, but this illness is making it hard to focus on the probable reasons, instead looking obsessively for the supernatural...
  6. I have the same circumstance with getting the constant "messages from Christian god". These "messages" did not stop after deconversion, in fact they happen maddeningly often. A song will come on that seems tailor made for me, or someone will give me a Christian book, I'll pick up a mug with a Christian message, or someone will say something like "god wants you to....", and so forth. My opinion is that the Christian god does exist, being one of a host of gods, and is attempting to get me back into the fold. This is impossible however. I have made my decision long ago and can not be swayed back into a "relationship" with that tyrant of a god that never caused me anything but pain. It is a misery because I have instructed this god to leave me alone and it clearly does not respect boundaries. Well, I tore my stupid bible up and put it away never to be touched again. Stupid god. The messages I get are necessarily not from christian things, but more from secular things like songs and tv shows and books. I think I know the mechanism, how it happens and why, though. I am not living in a christian environment, but I seem to get messages that fit or try to answer some question that springs up in my mind. Now, I've obsessed for 2 months over this whole xtianity affair. If I look for patterns, am I not bound to get a lot of messages? The messages really don't hold up to scrutiny for me - I was just thinking about "what benefit did I ever get from xtianity" and on the tv there was a show going on about miracle healings. I wasn't miraculously healed. At first, it felt depressing. But I watched the show, and it was the secular view on faith healing, which opened my eyes a lot. In the past week, I've been trying to see what is the real content in the messages, and they are DEFINITELY not christian - but just thinking about "what if I'm wrong and I'm betraying god" makes me search for any signs that could "aid" my decision making. Most radio content is love songs, bitter or not, which means there WILL BE stuff about separation, loyalty, faithlessness etc., and I am constantly around a tv, a computer or a radio, of which I use only the computer actively. I live in western culture which is predominantly christian. Think about it - the constant search, with my mental illness, is bound to turn up messages. For god, though, it is very inefficient and makes me doubt him more... for me, it makes me hurt. A lot. But I understand the mechanism. There was also a 2 year period, when I did not think about things christian. Not much atleast. The messages returned only some 2 months ago. (One thing is, if these are messages, then they are off of some other god than xtian one, maybe some universal benevolent being, trying to get me not to worry about it, or they are in my head, trying to fix me and make me look forward.) The other thing, is that I should use an irrational/emotional reason to push away the irrational/emotional/fear-based reason for this constant obsession with all things christian. I mean, from the top of my head, I can figure 10 reasons rational for not believing xtianity or worshipping their god, and 5 irrational/emotional reasons to not worship that god. With more searching, I could find even more reasons, I think, to not believe or to follow. This irrational obsession, is however eating away at me. I probably won't die the next day or the world won't end just because I chose not to believe. I am not that important. I think I should write the reasons on paper, that I have, since I will eventually lose control over my thoughts and emotions, and then it's bad again, and I will have to rethink everything again. I really doubt this hellishness is what was meant for us - if we were meant for anything. If there is a hell, that is the worst case scenario, but I can't, even in this case, worship this odd, cruel character of the bible - and if there isn't, then I am not expecting anything else when I eventually die.
  7. Let me start out by saying that I am a very bad (or very good depending on the perspective) fit for all-consuming religious beliefs - I have a mental illness of many years and some old emotional problems that I really need to fix. When gone past this stage, my mental problems really prevent me and distract me from all the other things in life that I found to be good before I became a christian. (and it was a rather quick thrift and a fast lane into madness for me) My story might be very atypical in the sense that I didn't have a religious family. I personally was (and always have been) something of a seeker - I'm looking for something. I don't know what, but I spend a lot of time just... pondering about stuff. Being impressionable, and somewhat unstable from the start, I began to search for something more meaningful. Over the time, I got into a lot of nutjob things and retreated to myself. The bad combo was christianity with a side dish of conspiracy theories. I started pulling all-nighters in front of a goddamned laptop looking for "the Truth". I dabbled with christianity and other absurd beliefs for a long time. (Well, only some 5 years at max, but I'm still young.) My mind was obsessed with the End of the world, and with hell. (and in retrospect, with SECRET GOOD KNOWLEDGE that was not gainable from the material world of man - I think this is a core element with my mental problems) This obsession was a bad fit with my emotional problems, my view of life, and later it would turn out that I had a heavy mental illness, which I initially denied and of course couldn't realize when I was in the christian paranoid worldview. I still don't have any definite diagnosis of my illness (and I don't know if one can be given) but I know this dabbling in "alt thoughts" worsened it by a lot. The search for "the Truth" just consumed my mind, and my life, and the emotional problems I already had worsened into a sort of an insecurity and weak social skills, and I lost the capacity to think good of anything, or anyone and I became paranoid. Then came the hellishness and the "ill" part of my truthseeking. I couldn't reconcile these beliefs with things I used to love in the world (and with a fundie outlook on life many things get considered bad) and I couldn't see how they touched reality. I did not get anything good the belief should have given me - a sparkle of goodwill perhaps, but all my emotional problems, social problems and such still stood. Then I examined all the demands, the barbaric ritual laws, the end of the world beliefs, the murdering and destruction wrought by the hebrews and their god, and this world with multitudes of it's problems and believers praying and tangled histories and the fact that the church is so splintered, that the Bible's history is so goddamn twisted and it was voted upon and is now viewed as "the Truth", and I found them to be very disheartening and depressing andcouldn't reconcile them with me any more. The damage was done, though - after many years, I'm still struggling with these thoughts, these obsessions tho I've given them up as a way of life and mostly gained good things through it. I also sunk into a heavy depression at the time. The worst part is, that the messages I thought I got from all around me (from everyday, mundane things, such as a song in the radio or a Jebus leaflet coming in at the "right moment") have returned. I try not to think about them, and I see the things flawed in such messages (plus, the christian god is a mere inefficient trickster if he wants to tell me what I should think using messages. Thus, I should derive that god is only in my head) I can't return anymore, though. The barbarism inherent in the "glorious God" and the fact that I have to stretch EVERYTHING to see these things manifest in me, or in my life, is too much to ask of me. I cannot find any truth in it, or if it is the truth, then I want nothing to do with it. I don't know if hell exists as there is some disagreement about it in the ranks. My obsession was more with "the Truth" and that still causes problems with me - it was planted in me in a way that I feel EXTREME GUILT when I decide not to look for "the Truth". I cannot end my obsession by deciding to not obsess. I will say this, though - the people on this world, including my doctors and my therapists, have helped me much, MUCH MORE than any god or spiritual being that some people thought into existence. If hell exists, then atleast I can have some mental solace in a life I lived as to feel good to me and my loved ones, and if not, then I wouldn't end up anywhere else but dead eventually even in this way.
  8. The mind games that god supposedly plays with me, and everyone else on the planet. The mind games that "good Christians" play with me, and everyone else on the planet. The mind games that I should be playing with everyone else. These mind games are broadly called "faith"... Meaning twisting of evidence and scriptures, reconciling inconsistencies in the good ol' Babble, downplaying the tribal part, not acknowledging that religion has a progression or evolution (instead our understanding just changed hence we are fallible and wrong). Have enough faith (and in my case apply a good dose of god damn paranoia) and you get a very simple, bleak world. A bleak world devoid of any real meaning, where we are expected to apply huge amounts of faith in things and kill our intuition and intellect almost completely. To forget what is in this world and trust on something, that is manipulative, and very far away. Like a hamster cage built for the amusement and orgasm-inducing enjoyment of some cosmic being. His followers get off, too, on their faith-elitism. I am sorry for these harsh words. I just can't.
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