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Aiyana

Spirituality
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About Aiyana

  • Rank
    Strong Minded

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    spirituality/religion, homeschooling, music
  • More About Me
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Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    nature, I think

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  1. We need to talk!!!! I am having almost identical thoughts to this lately!
  2. Hi!! I am Afrikaner on my dad's side. I lived in S.A. for three years as a little girl.
  3. I hadn't talked to this friend since deconverting in 2014. She sent me this letter out of nowhere. Here's part of it. I share it with y'all because I know you'll understand! She doesn't seem to see the irony in telling me "It is never right to scare people... fear is never the right approach to come to Christ", and then following it almost immediately with "I pray you would turn back to Him before I lose you forever." Fam. THAT'S FEAR. "I have never stopped loving you, even though we haven’t talked in a long time. I pray and think of you often. I pray you would open your heart to the Lord. I know you were hurt by the church you attended. They were wrong. That is not Christianity. I never wanted to scare you into Christ. And I was so wrong too. Forgive me! Left Behind was so wrong because they assumed things and took liberties. It is never right to scare people. Fear is not love. I have learned differently. It’s taken years to understand. Fear is never the right approach to come to Christ. Love....true Love, is telling you that Jesus Christ is the only way to eternal life and heaven. And only by giving yourself over to Him can you be “complete” and fulfill your true purpose. He made us to be filled with Him. To be united for all eternity. It will be unlike anything we could ever imagine. True joy. He knew us before we were born and loved us so much. He knows the numbers of hairs on our head and the number of tears we have ever cried. Amazing love. I now believe our time left on Earth is dangerously short. The world is changing and the dangers are increasing hundred-fold. I pray you would turn back to Him before I lose you forever."
  4. Totally agree with Joshpantera here. Neither socialism nor fascism are taking our country over anytime soon. I find it fascinating, in fact, how during the Obama years, one could find fear of socialism all over the internet. It was a constant "ZOMG! Obama is going to (fill in the blank) and we're all going to die in death camps made from shut-down Walmarts!!!!111!!!" Now, during this administration, there is what I've heard called "Trump Derangement Syndrome", which consists of "ZOMG! Trump is going to (fill in the blank), all the gays are going to be electrocuted to death when the fascists take over!" It's this total 180 flip that would be rather amusing if it wasn't so sad. TS, I've read through again from the OP. Technically we aren't suppose to get into politics outside of ToT, but this doesn't seem to be too far outside of the context of the OP. It's a religious topic that involves religionist's wacky ideas about world politics and secret orders within the political sphere. I took this as light heart'd banter laughing and playing around with conspiracy stuff. I don't see my posts as being uncivil, nor the playing around and laughing that followed. At least they are not intended to be. I'll apologize if my posts were taken that way because civility is a concern and one that none of us should be breaching. But I'd like to stick to my guns here in as civil a manor as possible. I'm stuck between radical claims from the right and radical claims from the left all the time. I really had tea party guys down here in the south trying to convince me that the nation was going to be taken over by Muslim extremists, under the safety and protection of a Muslim Obama. And I was unconvinced of it. And of course they were wrong, no such thing ever happened. It was wild conspiracy. So when I liken your assertion about conservatives and something about dark times ahead, and fascism for the US, I really do see that as the polar opposite of what these extreme tea party conservatives were doing down here during the last term. I'm not convinced that fascism will be taking over any more than I was that socialism would take over, or that Muslims would take over. These to me, from a centrist oriented perspective, seem extremely unlikely and based largely on projecting the worst fears towards a perceived opponent or enemy. It's probably just human to do that. But it's not very different from what the christians are doing as stated in the OP and that's why I see all of this as still on topic and relevant. We ought to be able to laugh, poke fun, banter back and fourth without having to call it slander or being uncivil. That just poo poo's the fun of the discussion. Not everything has to be so dead on serious, wouldn't you agree?
  5. @MOHO All right, got it now. That was easy! @Joshpantera Honestly, that isn't a bad idea. It may be a good tool to add to my bag. ETA: Wait... still doesn't look like tagging is working. Gah.
  6. @<MOHO> That sucks. Lucky for me, my family of origin are mostly non-religious (the immediate fam anyway). My mom still probably considers herself Catholic to some degree but she never goes to church. Dad, sister, and brother all along the agnostic/atheist spectrum. DH, however, is Christian, and desires to raise the kids Christian. IKWYM about the cringe. I was talking recently to a brand-new acquaintance who was telling me about her decision to not homeschool her son next year (we are both homeschoolers). She was saying how she didn't WANT to send him to public school, but God had told her that's what she needs to do, and sometimes we just don't know the Lord's plans! By golly! (OK I added the "by golly", lol). But I was just thinking, "You're so full of shit. You obviously can't handle homeschooling him (and I would not even judge you for that if you'd just be HONEST!) Just say the truth, woman! Fuck. Still can't tag. I tried it both with quotation marks and without. I'm so un-techy, lol.
  7. I'm a massive introvert as well, MOHO. (I don't remember how to tag you... hopefully you see this!) I think the ages of my kiddos have a lot to do with it. If I were single, or an empty nester, it would probably be different. But I'm at a point where community and family are so important.
  8. Thanks everyone. I love the phrase "anxiety is intolerance to uncertainly". Super good definition.
  9. I'm spending a lot of thought lately on WHY I was attracted to religion in the first place. I was raised Catholic, but only in a "meh" kind of way. I quit going to Mass around 14 and no one really cared too much. It wasn't until my mid-teens when I learned of evangelical Christianity, and my early 20's when I dove in. My own choice. Not parents, not spouse, not friends. Deconversion came in my mid-30's, and it was full and complete. Or so I thought. I really struggled to stay atheist. I gradually made my way back into the circle... first via personal "searching", then via Episcopalianism, then via a return to Catholicism, and finally a full revert to evangelicalism. Now I'm in my late 30's and while I know none of it is real, I find myself at the point of "if you can't beat em, join em." Husband is Christian, that has a lot to do with it. If only he could deconvert... sigh... I've learned two things about myself just in the last six months or so. One is a deeper insight into my anxiety issues. The other is that I LARP all day long. LARP, if you don't know, originally meant "live-action role playing" and was used to refer to dressing up and playing Medieval battles or whatever shit you like. Now the term is sometimes used online to refer in a derogative manner to someone who is what we used to call a "poser" i.e. "quit LARPing as a ______, you know you ain't no ______" I've come to realize that all of my phases I've gone through (my Catholic phase, complete with veiling at Mass; my skirts-only phase; my submissive wife phase) were nothing but LARPing. I was never actually any of those people. I was skirts-only for seven months but dropped it as soon as the summer hit and I wanted to wear tank tops and capris. I dropped Catholicism when I realized I'm not ACTUALLY going to go to Mass every week. I dropped the submissive wife shit the first time my husband wanted me to do something I, well, didn't want to do. I spent a long time in the years just prior to deconversion getting really into fundamentalist blogs. I absolutely loved the Duggar family and things like Vision Forum. You know, the most conservative of the conservative. In 2016 I got super into right-wing politics and started identifying as "alt-right". Another LARP. What is it about these hyper-conservative mentalities combined with anxiety disorder that creates these perfect storm recipes? Well, I'm just glad I'm finally figuring it out. Because even as I type this, I feel a desire to rejoin one or more of these types of groups. It's like a fucking drug man. Thanks for listening and please add any comments or ability to relate.
  10. Thanks for everyone's answers. I talked with my husband this weekend and it actually went quite well. I think it was lacking in the shock that last time brought. To answer specific people's questions: Fuego: We actually just moved to the area in January. I honestly wanted to get out of Seattle. I'm politically conservative, so I'm fine with that aspect, and I also really like the peace and easy breathing of a small town. So we probably won't be going anywhere soon. Now that I had the convo with my husband, I feel freer to be honest with folks I meet. Insightful: I'm so glad I was able to help you out a bit "back in the day"! Good to see you again. Joshpantera: I just do. No real reason. Although, yes, it's fun. But it's just the way my mind has pretty much always worked. I toyed around with atheism super briefly but it didn't stick. My problem isn't with the idea of a spiritual realm, it's with the idea that "we're right, and the rest of you are going to hell". Eowynesque: I have, yeah. Usually we end up arguing. This last time we both stayed calm, so that was progress. Florduh: I'm glad I was able to be honest with the DH this weekend.
  11. I'm not really sure where to begin. I'm typing this on a computer at a public library next to a dude blasting heavy metal on his headphones. I hate heavy metal with every cell of my being. I'm enduring it because I just need to talk. I was very active on this site back in 2014-ish. I spent the years between 2001 and 2013 as a hardcore evangelical. I think I always had the roots of doubts. But I managed to suppress them for many years. They kicked in hardcore around the beginning of 2012. I spent about a year and a half in the deconversion process. I fought it with all my strength, but I lost. Upon that final thin thread breaking over New Year's weekend of 13/14, I felt relief. Mentally and emotionally, I was very happy. Socially, things were a mess. My marriage was extremely tested to say the least (DH remained, and still remains, quite fundamentalist.) My social circle dissolved. (My entire social circle had been comprised of church friends... each of these relationships suffered... anywhere on the spectrum from becoming awkward to dying outright). My kids, who were 14 and 11 at the time, suffered. This was the price I paid for coming out of the closet and being authentic with those closest to me. I realized within six months or so that I was not, and probably never will be, a pure atheist or materialist. I do believe in a spiritual realm. My longing to connect with said realm led me back through a convoluted searching process that began with paganism and ended with the Catholicism of my youth. In the meantime I was dealing with my "monkey on my back", AKA life-altering anxiety disorder which occasionally wandered into the realm of depression. One day in April of 2017, after a particularly bad emotional time, I rode the waves all the way back to evangelicalism. I "got saved" with my husband at my side. For a few months, I believed it. I remember reloading all the Christian music I had kicked off my ipod, putting on my headphones, and simultaneously playing Hillsong over and over; studying Scripture; and weeping. I started telling people I was a Christian again. I explained it theologically by saying that I had probably not really been saved before. Well, you can guess what comes next. Just over a year later and I'm back where I was in 2013, but without the emotional turmoil. I'm at where I'm at because I started learning about my anxiety from an amazing online resource that explains anxiety disorder in a way I had never heard before. For the first time in almost two decades, I am learning tools and strategies to help kick this anxiety to the curb. But at the same time it is becoming so obvious that it's my anxiety that has always made me turn to Christianity. Without the fear, what motive remains to believe? Scriptures like Deuteronomy 13, which tells the Israelites to murder their family and close friends who stop wanting to worship Yahweh, have begun to pop back out. The ethical and moral horror of the hell for unbelievers has again struck me as unacceptable. The way Christians talk has started to seem weird again. But this time I am not really in a hurry to come out of the closet. And I'm ashamed, to tell the truth. But it is what it is. I tell myself that I'll remain closeted to protect my younger kids and keep my husband happy. And I suppose, in part, those are noble reasons. But I know the other side of the coin is not wanting to deal with the repercussions. I have moved since I last deconverted; from liberal, live-and-let-live Seattle, to a tiny town 45 minutes from the Idaho border (which isn't the Bible belt but might as well be). So it's not only the fam and the church fam this time; it's the entire freaking region who will label and judge me. Maybe someday. I tell myself that I'll stay closeted for ten years and then announce, "Surprise!", and folks will be so amazed at how I could have been so nice and morally upstanding without religion. (They won't, of course). The hardest thing is not being open with my husband. I wish I could really open my heart and be real with him. I hate lying and/or faking so much... it goes against everything I stand for. Part of me wishes he'd undergo his own deconversion, but "be careful what you wish for" amirite? All right. I typed long enough that the heavy metal dude got off the computer. Oh, one more thing... I'm still struggling with the little "signs"... YKWIM? The little things people will say, or whatever other tiny things happen throughout the day, that make you go "Is that a sign? Is God giving me these last little chances before he "gives me over"? I'm sure someone here understands. Thanks for listening.
  12. I relate to so much of what you're saying. I'm currently undergoing the process of finding out whether my (extremely strong) suspicions that I have undiagnosed Asperger's are true. I'm 36 and am just now realizing that autism would explain... well... a lot. I've seen a neuropsychiatrist who has scheduled me for the official tests... now it's just time to find out if my state insurance will cover that. I relate very much to your tendency to swing all the way to the most radical right that you possibly can. I went through this as well, during my Christian years. It's interesting that you specifically mention 2011, because that's the year I wore "skirts only" and was beginning to cover my head. I felt that my conservative church wasn't conservative enough. I was into reading the blogs of people similar to Steve Anderson and the jesus-is-savior guy. Several of the folks who I idolized have since fallen (Duggar family, Vision Forum, Mars Hill). The idea of "perfection" was like a drug for me... fitting everything into these neat little boxes. I even began to schedule my days in half-hour increments (I'm a stay-at-home mom) after reading the advice of Teri Maxwell. Even though I've been deconverted for three years, I still feel myself sometimes getting pulled back into forms of the religion that are super legalistic. Not for the religion itself... I don't believe in the religion's claims anymore... but for the strict rules, patterns, and boundaries. My brain is so incredibly drawn to that.
  13. You are automatically cool. Sad day yesterday!
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