I'm new here and wanted to introduce myself. I've been trying to put all of this into readable words for days now and figured I best just start typing and see how it goes. I had a hard time figuring out where to start, so I decided with the beginning of the end.
Brief background of our christianity …. my husband and I were both raised in the church, and we raised our daughter there too. Both sides of our families claim christ, though to varying degrees. My husband and I were very active in our church, both minor leaders in different areas. We served in every way we could. Then things happened and we could no longer stay (corrupt leadership). It took awhile, but we finally left the church almost five years ago.
I can almost pin point the moment in which I allowed myself to doubt the faith I'd always had, and it was sometime in June of this year. It took me completely by surprise. I'd had questions over the years, but never doubts (I always figured there were valid answers to my questions that I simply hadn't found yet). But I think it basically started here … one day, our daughter made a comment regarding fear based religions, and I thought, 'well crap, there's a lot of fear in christianity'. It bugged me and stayed on my mind. Then I started thinking about things that were discussed a lot in church ….. being ready to tell people about your relationship with christ, etc. and I realized that if someone were to ask me WHY I believed what I did, I didn’t have a good answer (beyond the churchy response 'because of what he's done in my life'). I asked myself, what HAS he done in my life? Sure, there were plenty of things I gave god credit for, but was it really him?
It's hard to remember what conclusions I came to and when, because so much has happened in such a short amount of time, but the doubts I had raised questions that roughly went like this …..
why do I believe what I believe ….
how can I trust any translation of the bible, they are all different ….
why are they different if it was supposed to be god breathed ….
why don't jews accept jesus as their messiah ….
can I still believe jesus is the son of god ….
was he just some loon, or was he used by someone else to manipulate and confuse the masses …..
did he exist at all …..
now that I've thrown the entire new testament out, what can I believe of the old testament ….
is the jewish god real ….
if not, is there a creator …
if not, then what the crap is all this ….
I talked with my husband and daughter about everything. My husband started his own research journey, and our daughter shared that she had been on one for awhile. We all came to similar conclusions, individually, and almost at the same time.
I know what I no longer believe, but I don't know what I do believe (higher power or not, etc). I don't know what I am, and it's weird. This complete overhaul of my identity has been hard. At the same time, it's also been strangely comforting, because now some of the terrible things we experienced in church make sense. The worst, most horrible people I've ever personally known have been in church, but I was commanded to forgive their evil. They can hide there, with the protection of immediate trust, simply because they've claimed to have accepted the same savior as you.
So this is where we are, and I’m so happy to have found this site, as I often feel quite alone (except for my husband and daughter, who are amazing). For various reasons, we have no plans to come out to our family, ever.
Thanks for reading