yunea

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yunea last won the day on October 12 2015

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About yunea

  • Rank
    Pink Creature
  • Birthday 11/16/1984

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    EU
  • Interests
    Maths, knitting, really really good coffee, sleep.
  • More About Me
    I've been an apathetic Lutheran, tongue-speaking, slain-in-the-spirit Pentecostal, and a New Age Jesus follower who did energy work and interpreted astrological birth charts.

    Now I'm done with all religion. I am trying to find my way out of my past and into a life that is truly mine, not dictated by someone else. It's scary, but it's also wonderful.

Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    No

Recent Profile Visitors

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  1. Do they not see how stupid this sounds?

    I wonder what she'd say if it would turn out that those three women went to the same church as she.
  2. Things Fundies Say On Facebook

    Apparently there's another photo , in which a newborn baby is holding an actual IUD.
  3. BAA

    Wow... Rest in peace, BAA.
  4. I want to once more give my sincere thanks for the replies and I'm sorry for replying slow myself. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed I can't put anything to words, and I just sit here reading your comforting words, wishing I could say something back. Anyway, after returning home from seeing some relatives over Xmas, I am again finding myself wishing I had the Rock of Ages to fall back on. I am jealous of the joy unspeakable and peace that passes understanding that they speak about. At least my therapy is officially continuing this week. That should help a lot with my feelings of insecurity.
  5. Daisy

    So sorry about your loss LC. There's so much love in your post and video, I got a tear in my eye too. Rest in peace, sweet Daisy.
  6. Perhaps, because earlier she described herself as "stagnant".
  7. Thanks Positivist! Though I'm sorry that you too are dealing with flashbacks. I saw in another thread how you compared deconversion to still finding old dust bunnies despite having been cleaning up for so long, and while that's a brilliantly funny comparison, it's also so clear about the frustration. Yeah my therapist is good, her specialty is complex trauma and dissociation. Though for now I can't financially afford to see her. She also had not dealt with religious trauma just like mine before, but months ago, I brought her Youtube videos that were a lot like the stuff I saw in Pente circles, and she worked with that. (((Hugs))) back!!
  8. Hi all, It's beginning to look a lot like the season when I began to lose my faith, some years ago. What was it, four years? Yes, four years, and a very lonely year from the first days, I joined Ex-C. It had nothing to do with the season itself, Christmas and New Year. I really wouldn't care to remember it, but there's been this and that, random triggers and whatnot. A general anxiety had been building up for two weeks, and this chain of events finally left me in my recliner last night, quivering from head to toe, hearing myself cry out in my thoughts "Jesus come back to me RIGHT NOW, I am dying without you!" and another thought responding, "He won't, he can't, he never will because he's not real". It hurt like hell. I was in pain from head to toe and I was full of the very terror I felt the day I realised things regarding my religion were not what I had thought. I did all I could to not wake up anyone else and tip toed to the kitchen with my phone, and sat in the Ex-C Chat until the quivering and panicking slowly stopped thanks to the reassurances of people who were around. No rush of peace and light in my heart, no comforting visions, not even the old familiar sensation of big hands landing over me that I now know is a nice little hallucination I used to get. Just some understanding people who sat with me for as long as I needed it most, and a bad attempt at sleeping afterwards, but the new day did eventually dawn. Today I pampered myself with yet another new pet snail and dinner with my boyfriend. Both were amazing distractions and I laughed a lot, momentarily forgetting the feeling that someone is sitting down on my chest, pressing it down, making it hard to breathe. But really, it's four years on, and now I get terrors like that. I didn't get much anxiety about my deconversion for a long time after the initial turmoils and the catastrophic events last year with one single more visit to a Pente church, but now it looks like there might be a lot more to come. It's just, uh, it seems embarrassing! Like I should be over it already. Then again my dissociative tendencies have made me effectively not deal with everything. I have separated a lot of this anxiety from the version of me who goes about the daily life, but it can't stay bottled up forever, no matter how much I wish it would just go away and be over and done with. You might remember another earlier thread or two where I let my alter, Nora, speak. For those not familiar with dissociation, alters are like different versions of me with thought processes of their own, and they can take over my body and act out. Sometimes it's by permission, sometimes they just force it. She was the last one who was explicitly Christian when the rest of me was already agnostic or atheist, and now she is the one who my mind has assigned to take this pain from me and hide it because it's still so hard to admit that it really was me making all those terrible choices and then facing the horror of losing the faith, but the hiding is not working anymore/right now. She actually disappeared for months after she last wrote here, but she is back at my surface, filling my mind with images from before and after the house of cards came tumbling down, and hitting herself over still missing the bliss of having the Creator of the Universe look out for her despite knowing it's a lie. I was contemplating letting her type here instead but she really is too embarrassed to. I think she spoke out loud last night, though, right before the anxiety attack. I was talking with my boyfriend, and I heard myself say these things, surprised that they came out this strongly: "Nothing has taken the place in my life that religion had" "Guidance was always the most important thing to me. That there is someone looking out for me." To the latter, my bf said, "Ain't it sad though, that there was no one human around to give you the good advice you needed?" Again I heard myself say, "Yeah... I was thinking that since my god knew everything about me already, I didn't have to truly open up to anyone human." I've been learning what real honesty and intimacy with other people is. It's been a terrifying but also rewarding ride. But it's true, I see it now, now that I said it out loud and listened to myself. Nothing is as important to me as religion was. And I avoided intimacy with people by focusing on my (perceived) intimacy with my god. I can see a whole lot of good changes in myself since deconverting. In general I'm much happier and much more honest with myself. My therapy wouldn't be as effective if I still held on to the belief that the presences I feel in my mind are Jesus and angels. But right now I'm scared of getting more of the anxiety attacks, they're even physically exhausting. I don't know what I'm looking for with this thread, but I advocate being open about the quirks and troubles of the mind so I guess there's that. Maybe it's depressing for someone to hear that this can take years. If so, I can only say that everyone's path is individual and no one can tell you exactly how yours will be like. Maybe someone out there , someone who's also already thought they're over it but turns out they aren't, feels a little less lonely knowing they're not the only one. (For the record, I have tranquilizers. But those are only temporary relief. I could call a helpline but I don't think any are open at nights here for those recovering from religion. I have a very good therapist who is an expert in what exactly I have (dissociative disorder, a lot like DID but without bad blackouts) but currently I really cannot afford to see her but once for the rest of the year, and she won't help for free in any way, not in writing or phonecalls, and I'm not allowed to call her at nights anyway. I do live almost next door to a hospital though and I know I can get myself admitted in there if I can't handle this.)
  9. Wow... I see so much of myself in you Penny, I get tears in my eyes. Deconversion did force me to face my own pain. It is currently making me want to not even heal because it hurts so much to face the past. The horrible things that happened, so much in me that I need to understand and forgive... I once found so much in the promises that said, "you won't even remember it". I felt God. Or so I thought. My life was a conversation with him. I told Jesus many times every day, "thy will not mine". I followed what I thought was guidance to stuff that nearly destroyed me. Penny I hope you stay safe. But we'll be here for you if you should once need it. I know that right now it feels like the Rock of Ages is the one thing that won't change. I know how it feels. Yet here I am now...
  10. Nah you're welcome on the site as others said. Annoying behaviors? Currently I'm the most bothered by them telling me that their god did what I did. Like when there's success with a project, especially if there was a random coincidence that somehow made things better. Or when I avoid car crashes. Oh, and childhood indoctrination that makes children fear hell and demons, and pray with tears in their eyes for people who aren't "saved". There are so many healthier ways to teach kids about caring for the well-being of loved ones.
  11. That I'm on my own. No one is looking out for me, orchestrating coincidences, talking to me in my dreams or thoughts. I also have carried and still carry a lot of shame, slowly working through it - but I don't think it's all from religion.
  12. #Metoo

    Personally, I don't want the ToT area erased. I'm also ok with this thread staying here, for all the discussion it has sparked (a lot of it really is worth reading). I originally thought it might be a good idea to not let brand new members see this area, but I changed my mind when I understood (from reading this thread) that some members register here BECAUSE the ToT is an area where you don't have to tip-toe.
  13. #Metoo

    Ok... I have read most of the thread. I was horrified by the first post. I let this out in the chat and I'll get back to that later in this post. The thread has since then been interesting, and in fact it's been interesting in many good ways - I actually have to thank you for making me think. But I have one wish. Take the "try to play nice" out of the introduction of the category. Replace it with "be prepared to step into shit, no taboos here, really we mean it" or something to that effect, so newcomers don't come in here expecting anyone to play nice - that way the portion of ex-C who need a this kind of outlet can have it, but the new people who are disturbed by it can more easily choose to stay away. I say this from the position of someone who's beem through various kinds of abuse, including sexual, and I don't confuse a sleazy look or even a random grope from a drunk in a bar with rape. I saw the header of the thread, and was expecting commentary about something going wrong with the #metoo campaign - which it was indeed, but my very first reaction was that I was appalled. I very well understand seeing the virgin Mary joke here, but not one that plays with the thought that anyone joining in the campaign wish they were "pounded". (Not going to pretend that the phenomenon is completely nonexistent. I remember being 19 or something and some girls being upset that they had no sexual partners, not even rapists! There is also the insult "you are so gross, you won't even get raped." True stories of some very juvenile minds I guess.) What made me appalled is that I remembered how bad shape I was in when I joined ex-C, and if I had happened to stumble upon the thread - under the description "almost anything goes, try to play nice", mind you - I'd have been much more shocked than I was now, because my last abuse had just been over, I'd lost my faith, and I was a mess. I'd have taken the thread, especially the first post, as a sign of this place being full of people who won't take me seriously, but in fact either laugh at what happened to me or not do anything to stop others from laughing (it coming from an actual moderator doesn't help the impression). Not with my name under the memes or anything clear like that, of course, because then they would have to be banned. It'd have been the wrong first impression. This place is in fact very supportive everywhere else. But, I only know that because I've been a member for so long now. As a newcomer I'd have honestly been too scared to open up about the extent of my abuse and get the wonderful support I did get. I understand very well that you want to find the ex-C's who need to vent this way, I suppose all of us look out for people who remind us of ourselves and there's nothing wrong with that. Myself, I worry about the shy, scared ones who really need to be super safe on their first trembling steps out, and maybe one day they too will join in the joking, maybe they won't - but there is no need for them to stumble here (ToT) without having been properly warned on the front page. It'd work like a traffic sign, not a... say, perambulator. I hope I made sense. It's still my second language and I get really nervous about speaking my mind in it.
  14. Yes I think I agree. Remembering the Pentecostals going about how everything will be gone soon anyway so don't get attached. Also the "thou shalt not have other gods" where the "other gods" can be ANYthing you love, and it very well can include nature! Back then I was telling myself off for liking PUPPIES, afraid I would accidentally devote more thoughts and love to them than i did to god, and upset the holy spirit!
  15. Those are very important questions that I used to ask a lot. Of course my life is nothing like that of an Indian sewer cleaner or a starving kid with malaria, but my family was plagued with so many problems (financial, health, location...) that it was extremely difficult to to accept that there is no bigger plan to it. People just got ill, maybe unlucky, made bad choices, abused each other, that's it. That's the truth. I quietly asked "why? Why me?" so many times at church. People saw my agony and my dirty hair and weird clothes, and prophesied over me that God would make it all up to me and I'd be his weapon, a harbinger of joy. I guess I waited for that to happen for years, and it still crosses my mind sometimes. It's not a success story for me yet. I get told that with my past, being alive and free from superstition is huge success in itself, but I'm piss poor and can't currently work or study as I had my second burn-out this autumn (the first one made me jump headfirst into religion, and some two years later I ended up on this site). I'm a burden to the system and might not ever get to paint myself a big winner. But there is no one holding the strings for me. No one planning to make something out of me. It's my life to live, and everything I do win at is my own achievement. And at the end, that brings me more peace than painting everything "good for my growth" did. Sometimes shit is just shit, and wrong is just wrong.