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yunea last won the day on October 12 2015

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About yunea

  • Birthday 11/16/1984

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    Handicrafts, nature, coffee, sleep, maths.
  • More About Me
    After many adventures in different kinds of Christianity and also very intense New Age with Jesus mixed in, and a dramatic deconversion that nearly had me take my own life, I'm finding myself content with atheism. However, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate connection with nature and people. Quite the opposite! It only means I don't need anyone to dictate me on how to live and love, and as a result, life is more fulfilling.

    I have DDNOS due to having had so many difficulties growing up. Feel free to drop me a line if you want to talk about dissociation in a peer to peer manner.

    I'm a regular in the Discord Ex-C Chat room, but due to my time zone (+2 GMT) I may be a little hard to catch there.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Don't need one.

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  1. Welcome to the forum HoneyBib. It's very easy to look back on your life and think you know which ways it'd have been different if you'd done things "right", and feel so much regret and shame. I've done so much of that, sometimes I feel like I have nothing but regret over most of the first 30 years of my life! The thing is, we honestly don't know this stuff. We can't remove one major factor, such as religion, and know how everything else is (or isn't) affected by that. Maybe something else would have come up in between you and your dear cat. Maybe you would have come across some other random video and landed with something else to fear than going blind. Maybe something really big would have come up anyway to rob you of the joy of life. Maybe not - we can't know, it's a different path, and we can't really see how it's like. Counseling won't erase the past, but it can be very helpful in ways you don't expect yet. All the best to you.
  2. So you're saying I was basically a witch with satanic powers all along, even when I was Pentecostal and terrified of upsetting the Holy Ghost, and also when I prayed all the time - really ALL the time, in my thoughts or whispering quietly - to Jesus, "thy will be done Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, who has power over everything in heaven and on Earth"? How do YOU know you have the right Jesus? I thought, trusted, and made plans that depended on the "fact" that I knew Jesus. Saw signs etc. And I was wrong. I have also gotten on my knees since my deconversion and begged with tears in my eyes for Jesus to live in my heart. Nothing happened.
  3. Yes, indeed. I thought my life was a conversation with God through signs, emotions, thoughts, other people. My hands would heat up during prayer and people would experience pain relief. I experienced many "healings" too but they all turned out to be me refusing to acknowledge the pain, dissociating it away. It hurts the most, I think, when you've been living like your relationship with Jesus is the one thing in your life you cannot lose no matter what, and then it's gone. That happened to me. I nearly died. I wanted to, I had someone hold me down physically so I did not harm myself. It wasn't boredom with church rituals, it wasn't that i was trying to have a relationship with a book. I thought I really had the real thing, Jesus walking with me through my life. However, these days I'm more gentle and loving than I was as Xtian. My hands still heat up the same way, and it seems something flows through my hands that calms down pets (and people too), I took very long to dare to try it but it still works. I also speak in tongues to help myself focus when I meditate. It works very well for that. How do you know it's Biblegod, donthodl, and not just abilities and sensitivities that some people happen to have for no particular divine reason? Why do similar things happen in so many religions and spiritual practices - feeling close to gods/spirits/Gaia, a type of touch that calms and seems to boost healing (well, all gentle touch does, so there's that even if the "flow of energy" is just a trick of my mind), feeling peace and kindness towards the fellow humans and the planet?
  4. Maybe the guy saw the families on the church's Facebook page? There is very likely to be a very secular explanation, them putting up a show to get more money from that day's offerings even though they weren't getting on TV. I've had my share of encounters with "psychics". Before my deconversion, I met a bunch who were very dangerously wrong. We're talking about them claiming to know who is "the one" for me and who I must stay away from, what will be my career - all very very wrong, and they got upset with me when I couldn't not listen to my own gut and eventually did the opposite to their advice. A lot of this stuff I didn't even ask about, they just came up to me saying I must "know" these things! I don't even know why, they may have genuinely thought they were helping. Just now I remembered, I even got things like specific dates for when a relationship would end (it didn't), all this dare I say junk that had me worried until the dates had long gone by! All I got from it was confirmation that people claiming to be "psychic" may not "know" anything at all. I should have known that from having known schizophrenic people who "saw" things, but I needed yet another lesson, apparently. Tarot readings, group meditation etc can be great and empowering, but aside from the aesthetical value of it all (which matters a lot to me as well), when it comes to learning about my life, the most comes from watching myself, and finding out what my own reactions are to the pictures in the cards, or the mental images that other people might get about me in group meditation. As far as I can tell, most of "reading" is simply done by being observant and empathetic, and also paying attention to when exactly the client affirms that the reading is going in an interesting direction. This is a way to catch a charlatan, btw - affirm something that is not true at all, let them go on for a while, then tell them it's not true. I'm not saying there absolutely can't be anyone who talks to some kind of spirits, but personally I don't believe they're needed. Sometimes tarot or oracle cards can also work as a tool for voicing out what you (or the person doing the reading) wish/fear would happen in your life. Not really knowledge per se, but perhaps recognizing some potentials, and after all I've been through, I believe there is always more than one, and our choices will matter, sometimes in ways we don't expect.
  5. I guess this is the appropriate forum. Just thought I'd share something that matters quite a bit to me. I no longer get huge anxiety reactions from religious art and buildings. I'm able to enjoy very old churches and cathedrals for the architecture and the artworks inside, just this summer I've visited a few already outside service times and I am looking forward to more. I even attended a boring Lutheran service, and it was tolerable. I still won't subject myself to anything like Pentecostalism, no point in that for now. Plus they don't have nice buildings, not here at least. Also, it no longer makes me feel ill to know people pray, or maybe explore other religions, do tarot or astrology or whatever to enrich their lives a bit. I do still wish people didn't look for gurus to solve their life problems, but I don't have a problem with people who take responsibility of their own lives and don't trust religious experiences to affect their decision making. I find I can very well be atheist, in the sense that I don't believe any gods with actual personalities exist, but I can still feel an intense, beautiful connection with everything around me that lives. People, nature, trees, animals, near and far. I can imagine myself tapping into a some kind of "life energy" (for lack of a better word) that is in living beings and meditate on it, and feel it move through me and bring calmness and peace. Purely imaginary or not, I find it beneficial. In a way it feels close to how I felt as a theist, but it's very different in the sense that I don't expect, or really even want, anyone to walk in on me and be like "btw god told me this about your future" (which was one of my biggest continuous wishes as a believer). It's me and the other living things, here and now, doesn't need to be anything more. No seeing the future, no new strange explanations of the past. Just a feeling of being connected with the bigger picture and maybe, just maybe, finding new points of view to what is right now. After all the drama around my deconversion I was very scared to even think of anything spiritual, but slowly, with time, it seemed the invitation to get back to it came from the nature around me. My pet giant snails, funny as it is, were the first creatures to invite me to re-think my stance. That was maybe two years ago. I'd describe what happened but it seems a little ridiculous... but if anyone is curious I will elaborate when asked to. At the time I posted a couple posts here saying I'm drawn to "a bit of woo", not wanting to be serious about it, not sure what I was thinking and feeling, just carefully seeing if the experience would return. And it did, repeatedly. In conclusion, I suppose I've spent enough time in the extremes, both in religion and also a really stiff version of atheism that denies everything and pretty much thinks that something that is pure emotion is dangerous for its potential for mind control and bad decisions. I guess I needed to live through all of that. I do still have regrets about the religious extreme end, but I don't regret the stiff atheism even though it was kind of dull. I needed to throw away everything for a while and then slowly start carefully choosing what I really, really, really wanted to keep and what felt right, instead of the crazy headfirst dives into "EVERYTHING jesusy here for me!! I have no brakes at all WHEEEE! Tell me what my truth should be!!! it's all safe because jesus!!!" that I used to do. I'm not one to say anything about what anyone else should be, but I'm finding a ground that isn't extreme and makes my life a bit more beautiful and comforting. I took a long time to not feel stupid about it, but I'm now accepting that I can't live without beauty and nature, I need them around me and I must make choices that lead me closer to them. I can also very well celebrate my imagination and my busy mind, and use it to my own benefit instead of being afraid of it. And, very importantly, I'm learning to live a life that is my very own. A life where I'm the person who respects and loves me the most, who is the one to stand up for me, who doesn't need divine intervention. I'm learning that disagreement in itself is not a threat to my existence or a sign that I'm somehow worse than the next person. I'm learning that mutual respect means I can have a conversation with someone who disagrees with me, and we can debate, share our very differing thoughts, etc, and still no one gets furious or calls names, and everyone gets new food for thought. I'm finding me, slowly. And I'm not so bad after all.
  6. I haven't contributed to this thread yet because I have a hard time deciding on THE stupidest thing I used to believe. I have so many! BTW, I too was a physics student and a believer. I had all these explanations for why angels couldn't be measured in the lab and stuff. I believed in old Earth and that evolution was the way creation was done, but that's far from being the stupidest thing. Hmm. Okay here's one. Believing that atheism was active denying of the Christian God every day, just to piss him (and Christians) off. That was pretty stupid.
  7. yunea

    Hell no

    This is a good few pages back (page 6 actually) but I just have to address this, as no one else has. So, say it's your toddler. As the adult parent, YOU'RE the only one of the two of you who fully understands the danger, and the pain that follows if your child is violated. At 2, she's too small to comprehend what rape is. That is why you don't teach the small child to not touch a rapist. You certainly don't teach them that they're responsible for being hurt by an adult and will afterwards be punished with yet another hard-to-comprehend thing. Instead, you teach her to trust in you and tell you instantly if someone tries to touch her swimsuit area. You will do all you can to keep her safe from harm, without exposing her too much to the ugly truth that is in danger of happening. And your responsibility as the adult parent is to teach the goddamn rapist to not touch your child, by getting him arrested if you come across him hurting your (or someone else's) child. And if the worst happens despite all this, you sure as heck don't throw your violated toddler out of the safety of your home, and then ensure her (and her future offspring's) life from there on is a slow and painful death, before throwing them all in the oven to suffer if they don't repent for being born after what was done to the uncomprehending 2 year old. Right?
  8. There were many things I was waiting to finally understand. I didn't even consider most of those things to be doubt per se, I thought it was me being immature or a subject of spiritual warfare. One category of things I couldn't brush off as either was, why god allowed so many weird things in his own holy buildings? I'm not even talking about the obviously criminal stuff, sexual abuse and such, because I had a hard time even believing it actually happened in churches. I am talking about things that could be done with good intentions and full belief that God is in control of what is being said and done. Such as, "prophecy" that leads people to pain and destruction if followed, "successfully" casting out spirits but the person going right back to the sin that the spirits allegedly made them do, and years of prayers for healing that is not quite as dramatic as in the Bible but nothing happens except a passing warm feeling, if even that. Why did the same god seem to tell me to do one thing, and tell other people to tell me to do the opposite? Why was the gift of "discerning spirits" so rare despite being so important in solving all of the above problems (if we put the Christian hat on for a second here)? (Oh yeah, I must have not been a true believer, or maybe I went to a church that was going totally astray despite praying to jesus every day... )
  9. Good to see you Ag, sorry to hear about your injury. I hope you recover fully.
  10. Why, yes, I wish I hadn't had the abusive childhood I had. I don't come from a family of pastors, but I have asked myself so many times, just how different would I be if I had had a safe childhood with emotional support to grow up to work towards fulfilling my own dreams and plans, instead of the years of my youth being wasted just trying to survive, surrounded by delusions? It is impossible to know the answer. And it's an easy road to bitterness to think about it too much. One I have walked down way too many times and still am tempted to. It's easy to answer myself that I'd be happy, have good income, not fear starting a family, etc. But I honestly, honestly don't know.
  11. I tried to convince a non-believer of God's existence by speaking in tongues in front of them. Also I am great at self-suggestion and have a dissociated mind, and before I knew these things I didn't know that things I do to myself can feel like someone else does them, and it's still just me. I had a lot of physical feelings and other odd experiences during prayer (and really did feel "slain" in the spirit without anyone touching me, and didn't see it was my own mind doing it). The most cringe-worthy and really dangerous one was that I managed to numb away my own toothache with prayer. I firmly believed God could put fillings in my cavities or even grow me new teeth. That one did not end well at all! I once heard a rumour about a girl who could ride her bike with her eyes closed because God guided her. I wanted so badly to try the same to express my trust in God, but I just could not make myself do it! Even my self-suggestions have a limit, and that's, er, very good. Though at the time it was embarrassing. Oh my.
  12. Lydie and Rachel, For what it's worth, my inner conversations (never a monologue) used to be more like fights. There was yelling and crying, and it was often very unhelpful in decision making when they would disagree with each other, or just generally make noise. I don't audibly hear them, they're just thoughts that I can't ignore. What has helped me is understanding the mechanisms behind them. The way they try to do what makes sense (unfortunately they can learn that you getting hurt over and over again makes sense). Therapy, with a good secular therapist who knows what complex trauma does to a person's thought mechanisms, can be very helpful. It takes time, but the fighting inside can eventually turn into peace, and decisions can be rooted into love and self-respect. In some cases, techniques like EMDR when done right (with the good secular therapist) can build towards inner feeling of safety and security. Speaking from experience here, after having all my issues worsen up to suicidality when I tried to treat myself with religion and quack "therapists". I'm doing much better now, thanks to real doctors and therapists, and also certain meds taken at the right time. You're not alone. I hang out a lot in the Discord chat room if you want to drop me a line. Just remember that my time zone is GMT +2.
  13. I was excited to see this thread pop up. I should vacuum. I'm still having my morning coffee. I will probably knit before I vacuum. There's plenty of time for both today. I didn't watch TV in my own home for 4 years. Now I'm absolutely hooked on Catfish. I turn the TV on for that and then turn it off again.
  14. I didn't really grow up with this either, but in the last couple years before my deconversion, in my New Agey version of Christianity, I heard this kind of things a lot. Not buying second hand stuff because of attached spirits, claiming that it's a "highly developed" way of living when there is "no evil" in their minds or whatever, etc. I was very involved in my faith, but even I could see that they were being unhealthy! Oh and some years earlier, I had a brief encounter with Amway when The Secret had just come out, and they were super excited about it. I wonder if they still are.
  15. You need to be sure that her solution to your problems isn't more Christianity.
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