Lost

Thank You All for Your advices and Your perspective on this subject And thank You for Your time to reply to my thread Future will show if I will ever go abroad. But yeah, I am jealous that for other people moving abroad or traveling abroad is so easy. In many cases they have someone to support them and help in that process. I had only an opportunity to travel once to my cousin and her family to Northallerton (North Yorkshire in the UK) for 2 weeks during summer in 2017. To be honest, If my dad wouldn't ask my aunt ( my cousin's mother) to take me there, I don't know if they would ever welcome me in their house on their own. They took me to Whitby (I saw a Dracula's castle, which in reality was a monk's church or something like that...but those graves and the whole atmosphere there gave me special emotions). I had to take some photos, although there was a suggestion to respect people who rest there in graves and their family. And I saw a North Sea and big white birds. My aunt and my cousin were complaning about me being sad and serious on the face and that I don't have a boyfriend although I am in my 20's, but yeah my whole identity is broken and my spiritual values are gone, so for now I don't really give much of a though to relationships. I don't know if I could live with a person all the time forever and ever. I said to them that I'm going to be in a relationship and having babies in my 40's and that really pissed them off. So I would say that my first journey abroad wasn't with right people, but I am glad that I had a opportunity to travel to England before Brexit and I tried to talk to people using an English accent during my walks alone on the streets of a small Northallerton, but people seemed to be bored or were saying "Sorry" if accidently they touched my shoulder and I kind of smiled laudly when one guy in the shop said to me "Madam", cause I am not used to to this special treatment. Ladies in bank, post or travel agency were nice though. But when someone goes to England it's not surprising to not to think about great London. I'm thinking about one day trip to London before Brexit, but I don't know how to plan it and come back home safe without problems. Me and my dad, since my mum's death in 2002 tend to separate and isolate from the rest of the family. That's why we didn't have an opportunity to build a strong bond with most of the family. Sometimes we are just like: 'Fuck You all, you haven't been there when we were in a grief and in a need, so fuck You'. My mum was the one that had a gift to unite the family and had a spirit that spread a warmth to everyone's soul. Me and my dad we like to work on our own, we like to be independent and we like to loners. But it doesn't mean that we don't yearn for love that we once felt more in life. Cities in my country like Cracow or Warsaw (or even more that I haven't seen before) are also great and have lots of tourists and English-speaking people there, so maybe it will be an alternative option to move there if my dream about US or UK won't come true. Thank You for Your suggestions about Ireland and Canada, I will think about that But, yeah...I forgot. It's difficult for me to move out anywhere, even to bigger city in my country, because of my huge debts, caused by shopping addiction (as a coping mechanism during the process of deconversion or rather as a bad side of my personality and spoilt attitude towards life). No excuses. I need to pay for my addiction and fix it. No one will do this instead of me.

Hi !!! I don't know how many of You have ever experienced in life an overpowering desire to live in another country than the one that You were born in. I have. All of us was born somewhere in the world and with time we grow up and decide where we wanna live. When I was younger and I was watching TV for me an American World seemed to be the one that I want to live in, when I will be an adult. Mostly because of language, culture diversity, feeling of being cool and many more. After some years I thought to myself that USA is too far from Poland and it really hard to go there, because of many boundries and a visa thing. During school years I realized in my mind that well...actually...England and the whole United Kingdom is in Europe and it's in European Union. So when I started my Nursing studies in 2013 I thought that it's a great opportunity to go there after finishing studies and work and talk in English all the time. And maybe finally write a screenplay for a movie (which is my main dream). And to meet great people insupport groups who experienced lots of weird psychologically damaging things in life like losing mum in childhood, losing Faith in God and losing the whole identity. And all of the sudden this whole BREXIT thing ruined everthing. Not only for people outside the UK, but also for people from the UK, who had a dream to live in a romantic Paris, a hot and energetic Spain and Italy or in another country. But sometimes a dream can turn to something that later might be the greatest regreatof life, so maybe I went too far with my imagination when it comes to living in the USA and the UK? Well, in my country there is more and more visitors from other countries, especially in bigger cities. Sometimes, even at my work at McDonald's I have a opportunity to talk in English when tourists come. But I live in much more less attractive town than Warsaw or Cracow. Please, England! Let me to come to You and work as a nurse. I promise I won't make any problems and I will be nice and I will be speaking with British accent! I will even learn a sign language. But please...let me experience living in your country. Anyway...have You ever wanted to live in another country so badly that You sacrificed a lot or after some time You gave up? And how to get to the USA or UK step by step as a person from another country? What can You advice me from Your observation of this whole issue as someone who lives in the USA or in the UK? Maybe You have some friends or co-workers who went through this process of moving in to another country?

My nickname "Lost" means that I'm kind of a person, that is completely lost in this world. People seem to live quite easy lives and do casual stuff. They find someone to be in a relationship, have kids, parents, grandparents and work. Yes, they have problems, but not that complicated and complex as someone who lost their own identity after losing faith in God and who lost mother in childhood...and more different problems as well. People around me and from my family are surprised that I am not like others and don't do things like others, but...ugh (they will never understand what I have in my head). I guess, I will start to tell them that I have problems that are not that famous in society and I was diagnosed with personality disorder, so sorry I can't grow that quickly to the standards of a normal world.

I think that this line of Yours might show that Your whole thread is a joke, but I don't know for sure. He will forgive me but burn some of you motherfuckers for doing the same shit I did because you aren't believers. True!

Hey duderonomy Can I ask if this is true that You believe agan in Jesus or Your whole post is a joke? Cause I'm kind of confused while reading Your replies to others. If You believe again, what happened that You changed Your mind? Greetings

I know that here on forum, like on any other forums moderators want to keep everything in order, but I don't know if it's right to put rude photo under someone's name to punish someone. Maybe writing private messages to solve the problem would be much more appropriate. It's like You don't have that much respect for that person. Your reputation as bosses of this forum can be shaken and you may be stereotyped by people who come here (and have belief in something different) as typical atheists that they know from stories of their preachers...not atheists with respect for every person's opinion. Dealing with mental illness is something beyond healthy person's imagination. And if someone with mental illness had once faith that God exists and can take away this illness and loses faith, deconvert...imagine deconversion is extremely hard for mentally healthy person, let alone for someone with mental illness. I know that 100% Atheists want to surround themselves with mostly rational people, but don't be like preachers in churches who condemn doubters, backsliders and people who change their world view very often. And SerenelyBlue try to understand moderators and maybe change the way You express Your doubts, feelings, etc. and minimalize amount of posts that You write. Maybe change few posts into one where You want to express whatever You feel and believe in in particular time. Wish You lots of stability in life general and with Your beliefs

Hey! I have just discovered a youtuber, who tells stories about paranormal experiences that she, her friends or other people that she knows experienced. She told a story about what happened to her friend after playing the game called Ouija board . It's really scary and hard to imagine, even from sceptic's point of view. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44VnKV4kyjA I would say that I am 5 on Dawkins's scale ( The spectrum of Theistic Probability). I am a weak atheist, who don't know for sure if God exists, but I am inclined to be skeptical. And I can't live as a Christian without true faith and for now it's scary for me to even think about being involved in any kind of church life again, but if I would find out that I have a terminal illness and I will die soon- I can't say that I would be able to die as a 100% atheist- rather not. I tried to find some topics here about Your experiences or opinions about this "game", but couldn't find. You mentioned a lot about Tarot reading, but never really about Ouija board invented by Elijah Bond. What do You think about this stuff?

I'm also kinda person, who is uncertain of many things. Uncertanity is really annoying. Hope that You ag_NO_stic will find a way out of this and Your struggle will go away!

I don't know why this is happening, but some people from church try to reach out to me (especially those who didn't have closer interraction with me). I DECIDED to be in touch with one friend (she is quite tolerrant) and she mentioned to me that one married couple from church would like to meet with me and their home's doors are always open for me. They are convinced that I quit going to church, because elders are not really interested in anyone and there is no real family atmosphere in church. I messaged to my friend and asked her to tell them that this is a mattter of my views, not my feelings towards people in church...to be honest it's a matter of different things. They send me greetings through my friend. They seem like they want to be my friends at all cost...sigh. In my church some people created an alternative home group, where there is a nice, family atmosphere and all of that. Of course pastor and one of the elders were pissed off that something like that was created. So creator of the group spoke about this group on the forum of the church. So, members of the church can go freely to his home group during Wednesdays and to church to Bible study on Tuesdays and Prayer meetings on Thursdays. Yesterday I got call, actually I called back to unknown number (I didn't have it on my phone contacts list) and as it turned out- it was one guy from church (kind of rebellious man, who don't like that much elders). He started to invite me to this alternative home group. He asked me some questions without being rude and he said about his perspective on God . I am not really an assertive person and I told him where I started my job (he even mentioned that he will come to buy ice creams in McDonalds, where I work). Shit! I blocked his number on my phone like some others' numbers. I told myself that I need to be tough and consistent about my decision and not to make a mistake of interracting again with these people. Some of them are nicer than others, but Lost, please shut up and follow your purposes, don't come back to previous life. But when I will ever meet them on the street or on the bus- I don't know what will I do. I think for some people from my church it's hard to believe that this shy, quiet and nice girl (I'm talking about myself) just lost her faith and don't believe anymore. To be honest I feel strong heat of anxiety and go again through some kind of stage of trauma, when I think about Christianity or Christians. I'm allergic to their whole environment. For sure, if I will ever find out that I'm dying, because of some deadly disease or I will be on death bed, I will be thinking about God, Jesus and hell, maybe I will be praying in case of not being condemed, but I don't know if that will make me feel really certain and convinced about truth of Christianity :/

I meant actually people HERE on Ex-C. For more than 3 years as I am here only one member wrote a private message to me. I feel kind of sad that so many great people disappeared from this forum and I couldn't talk with them in private messages. I thought that I will be able to talk through Discord with some of you, using my voice and hear others' voices, but my computer don't accept this program. I was ashamed to ask if anyone could talk with me on Skype. Anyway, I can't complain You gave me also lots of support by writing posts. To be clear, last time I went to my church was on Sunday the 1st July 2018. On Monday the 2nd July I sent letters on post office and as it turned out my letters arrived to 4 people from church today on Tuesday the 3rd July 2018. I was surprised that although I blocked one of my friends on my mobile phone I could see a text message from her about my letter and she wasn't judgemental and she said that she wants to continue friendship with me regardless belief. She even admitted that she personally struggles with crisis of faith too and has some moral and spiritual issues. I was open to her in a letter that she can decide, whether she wants to continue friendship with me or not. So she chose yes. In other 3 letter to a Pastor, one of the Elders and to another friend (that I have never really liked) I made it very clear that I don't want them to come to my house and try to convert me and that I don't want any contact from them. I explained to them a lot and wrote all the reasons, why I'm leaving and I was nice in a letter. But about stuff related to staying in a contact, I was really honest with them. Thank You MOHO, florduh, LogicalFallacy for Your responses and advices. I appreciate them! Thank You TrueScotsman and yunea for your LIKES to my post Hope to hear more positive words and advices from You ALL and other members of the Ex-C

Hey If anyone remembers me here, I want to let You guys know that I finally did it! I did send a letter to Pastor of my church and to one of the Elders and to 2 close friends that I have spent most of my time with. I'm kind of nervous inside, cause I went to post office with 4 letters yesterday on Monday (the 2nd July 2018) and they told me that on Tuesday (the 3rd July 2018) all letters should arrive to these people. I blocked phone numbers of people from church and I closed my Facebook account and I created a new one for myself and people that I really want to have contact with. I'm afraid to meet them one day on the streets or as clients in my work at McDonalds that I'm going to start in the middle of July. Shit... McDonald's- how will I survive this? I finished studying one level of Nursing ( I'm Licensed Nurse) and I'm continuing to study a higher level. I could start working as a Nurse, but I don't feel that much mentally stable right now to be super responsible for patients' health. This whole thing with church drives me crazy. But I got to conclusion with my dad that I have to start my first job anywhere. I have huge debts, because of my shopaholic addiction and my dad became an alcoholic, because of my problems with money :/ When I will have more time I will translate a letter to a Pastor and Elder from my language to English to show You, what I wrote. I've noticed that here on Ex-C some people disappeared or decided to be less active. I want to say that I still believe in a power that this forum gives to people, who come here and struggle in their life with losing God and go through the process of deconversion. I admit that I was kind of disappointed that NO ONE reached out to me during my absence. Maybe it's because of me, cause I usually seem to be weird to people or because I don't have this ability to really build close relationships with people. THANK YOU ALL for Your support here and nice advices that You gave me during more than 3 years on this forum By the way, where is Margee, the mother of this forum (at least I think like that personally)?

Hey REM123 Your style of writing and putting Your feelings and thoughts into sentences is wonderful I wish I could write that well as You too, cause I would like to be in a future a screenwriter, maybe not super famous and professional, but really good in writing interesting stories (mostly about spiritual conflicts, mental health issues, social problems and a problem of losing parents through death or abandoment). I like the way You shared Your story here and how You went into some details. You are not ahamed of all feelings that You were experiencing as a believer and how certain things and aspects of belief were helping You to go through some life difficulties. And Your understanding of things that You experienced in a whole process is really well-written. You have a great chance to be the next great advisor on this forum! Some people here ( I don't blame them, they are strong-minded individuals) are like...this whole Christian life that I experienced was a big BULLSHIT and now I am free and happy and all of that! I'm glad that You notice that some stuff in Christian life were good and helpful and You see now, why it's not that easy to just let it go quickly and put it in a BULLSHIT category. For emotional, sentimental and vulnerable individuals it's much harder to JUST let it go fast. REM123, I wish You lots of success on Your journey out of Christianity and lots of joy in discovering more and more about that what You really want to do with Your life

I was planning to come out to church and 2 friends in a letter in March and now it's April and still I wasn't able to do this, although I was absent in church for 2 and a half week (because of Nursing studies and Dental Assistant Course (during weekends). Also, I was planning in March to just change my phone number, but it makes things difficult, cause I would have to tell lots of people from the beginning my new phone number...in the end of March I realized that I actually can just block certain phone numbers that I don't want to receive anymore. It's all stressful, cause except my problem with church... I have to also battle with hard Nursing Studies, Public Health studies and Dental Assistant Course (mostly I have in these 3 areas low grades), I have to deal with my dad's alcohol addiction, caused mostly because of my debts during never-ending shopaholic addiction mania. I afraid to deal also with coming out with my new, much bigger than before debts and how it will affect his health. Maybe, in April I will give myself a try to come out to church and block their numbers on my cell phone and closing my Facebook account. I live in a town and in country, where people have no idea about struggles that I have. I go to 2 therapists (one is a general psychologist and we have a break from therapy, cause I have to focus now on Addiction Therapy) and the second is from Addiction Therapy. My life is like the weirdest dream, anyone can image. Unless I will meet people that share my life story, I won't believe that there are other folks in this world like me. I was always moral person and I thought that I have respect for money...but after losing faith I developed shopping addiction and huge amount of debt and my room looks like a one, big rubbish. I can't believe that shit! And my dad will probably won't survive my next message about new debts. And I will lose the second parent. I wish I could earn some money abroad, for example in England, but now this whole Brexit thing...and I don't have any support or friends that could help me to go abroad and feel safe there. I can speak and write in English well, but it's not enough to just make a serious decision about moving abroad and leaving only one, close person.

Thank You ALL for Your resonable responses And I love Your response austere- it's really well written and heart warming and encouraging