Lost

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About Lost

  • Rank
    Doubter
  • Birthday 06/27/1993

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Religion, Films, Music, Nursing, Social Issues, Mental Illnesses
  • More About Me
    I lost my mum when I was about 9 years old. That personal tragedy pushed me close to God in Catholic Church. In 2011 I was baptised in Evangelical Church on my own will, but with a little bit shadow of doubt. Because I have been creating story for film for 5 years in my head (not on a paper, because of lack of motivation) I was looking for information on different subjects connected with religion and belief or non-belief. That's how I came to salvation in CHrist and that's how my doubts started to grow. Now I don't know what to expect.

Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    I don't know anymore

Recent Profile Visitors

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  1. Hey crushed I'm glad that You found some relief and You came here to find support. I'm also the person who is lying to people in church and participate in communion and pretend to be friend for people in need. I'm afraid that my coming out would completely destroy one of my friends from church who came to Jesus Christ after being depressed for several years (history of deression, taking medications, suicidal thoughts). Anyway, I'm planning to send a letter to my church in Summer 2018 when I will go to a vacation and tell them about losing my faith. Your situation is for sure much harder, because Your whole family is somehow involved in church. I don't have my own family. I live with my dad who is a rationalist for his whole life and I live in a Catholic country, so other family members don't take seriously religion that much, they celebrate tradition. I was the only one from my whole family that became interested in religion and spirituality in a young age, because of my mum's death. My classmates and family memebers looked at me like I would be a weirdo, for being so serious about God and life after death. Here You can read more about my lying to church, where I still go to. Best wishes and hugs for You in Your personal journey
  2. Fear of hell and suicide

    Hey Serenely Blue During the beginning of crisis of faith I was thinking about "what is the purpose of human beings, especially if we are an evolution's product?". That gave lots of hopeless feelings and the negative view on our fate as human beings-like no hope in God, what's now? After my mum's death, almost 16 years ago, I was thinking to myself that it would be better to go to my mum and God to heaven to be close to them and be clean child, because if I will stay longer on this Earth I will sin more. That gave me sort of a suicidal thought, but during religion Catholic classes a teacher said that people who commit suicide go to hell. So I stopped thinking like that. From time to time, an image of my own suicide sometimes cross my mind, but only as a picture in my imagination...not a real desire to end my life. Everyday I create lots of stories in my imagination, cause I am a Maladaptive Daydreamer, so dramatic pictures have their own place in my head too. I would be afraid to commit suicide, because of 3 reasons: - I am afraid that there actually could be hell, - I am jealous that other folks would still live a happy life and I would have to change into a dust, - a suicide attempt is not always successful and someone can live as a disabled person on a wheelchair or as "a neurologically dead plant" in a bed. WISH YOU lots of strength, health and hapiness on Your journey of life Serenely Blue, hope that Your problems will become smaller and smaller with time
  3. Wow, You had an opportunity to meet this woman in real life. I also wonder, what happened to her and what was a cause for her relapse.
  4. Anyone dealt with conspiracy theories?

    Hey Callum! By saying,: "For me conspiracy theories were the fire that burned my curiosity towards Christianity and it become my obsession. It's hard to completely escape it...sadly." Well, simply I can say that my obsession with Christianity started after reading some stuff on this site: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/. There is lots of conspiracy theories. I think that man, who created this site had to work a lot on it, it's filled with details.
  5. Anyone dealt with conspiracy theories?

    Maybe conspiracy theories are not true and satan does not run the world, but for sure there is lots of brutal and unknown secrets that this world have...unrevealed mysteries. For sure some people for ages meet with each other in small groups and do different weird forbidden things. For me conspiracy theories were the fire that burned my curiosity towards Christianity and it become my obsession. It's hard to completely escape it...sadly.
  6. Double Mindedness

    I need to admit to myself and everyone that I am a double minded person. I'm in general looking nice, kind and a patient person, shy, blondie girl with an angelic, cute face. But I'm kind of have a dark side (really ugly and dark thoughts about people, especially the ones that bullied me at school in the past or people in family that piss me off). Even some people here piss me off and I'm jealous that they are so sure for 100% that Christianity is a lie. I wish I could be 1 in Dawkin's scale. My aunt says that sometimes I make really bad eyes like I would torture or murder someone in my mind. About 2 years ago my cousin's dad died. She and her close ones arranged for him "the best" hospital to make him survive. After successful surgery he caughta deadly bacteria and died. I liked the image of my stupid, rich cousin crying. No one really cared when I was 8 years old when my mum died, so I was happy that her daddy died. When I was a believer I felt in 80-90% an angel that loves God, but has 10-20% of a dark side that was covered by faith in Christ. After losing faith and when I developed a depersonalization disorder... my dark side wants to be the first. My angelic side controls dark side's urges. My dad has the same thing as me...he is a good person without BS in general, but sometimes wishes people bad stuff or speak about certain people really badly. He is a rationalist. I don't know, how to explain that rationally. I said to my psychologist (she diagnosed me with specific personality disorder) that somehow I suppose that somehow I have psychopathic tendencies and I'm two-faced person. I guess, I need Bob Larson's exorcism or more biblical than his ones. I don't want spiritual world to be real, I want to be a rationalist, but maybe somehow exorcism practice could help me anyway. Does someone here struggle with her or his dark side?
  7. Merry....Whatever!!

    Thank You Margee for Your post and wishes I also learn how to live with a thought that I will never see my mom again (according to Bible she wouldn't be in Heaven anyway). Living almost 16 years without her is like a joke and seeing other girls having their moms and grandmothers here on earth hurts really bad. God was like a father for me as a half-orphan. I've never really blamed him for my mum's death, but it's sort of cruel to not to leave at least grandma for me on this earth. Life for a girl without female example is really hard and weird. Margee, wish You all the best on Your journey with Your struggles. Hope You will find a fulfillment that You are looking for.
  8. yunea and Margee...You both are girls to whom I can relate on this forum. You both are filled with complicated feelings and thoughts like me. LOVE You both HUGS
  9. Hey rachel15! These are questions that I ask myself very often. I think that there are ex-Christains and they exist that struggle with faith-science dilemma for their whole life, never actually find peace after leaving faith. I feel that I am one of them. I've got "I don't care anymore about heaven and hell" attitude and accept my doubts and live with them, but I suffer cause people around me seem to not have any problems with religion, in their mentality problems that I have probably don't even exist. Maybe I don't suffer from mental illness, but I have some kind of emotional disorders and some kind of disorder of personality structure. When I lost my faith in God, my personality started to change against my will. Like I was forced into liberal, atheistic persona against my will-terrible feeling. I've got lots of strange sensations in my brain and I don't know what to do actually with that. Even, I became addicted to shopping to not to think about whole FAITH problem. rachel 15, I completely feel what You wrote about and I even have a friend in my church that was going to therapy from a young age, to mental institutions and was taking psychiatric medications and when she found Jesus, she found hope that no one could give her and I think that if she would all of the sudden lose faith, I fear that she would be unstable to the end of her life :/ I'm still a closed unbeliever in my church. Unfortunatelly, leaving faith is something that many of us here didn't even consider in the past and IT JUST HAPPENED. Many people, including me and for sure You were planning our lives with God and loving brothers and sisters in church, but DOUBTS came and what to do? It's hard to find the answer to the questions "if this circle of doubts and uncomfortable feelings will ever go away?". Ending my reply to Your post, in my opinion whether we will be happy or unhappy ex-Christians it depends mostly on our mental strength given by nature from our birth day. I think that mentally strong individuals, analitical-they will get over religious problem really quickly and won't regret leaving the faith, BUT if someone have mental problems and lots of sadness and trauma in life and to ALL this will lose faith in God and friendships build in church...well LIFE after all is going to be harder and harder. These kind of people shouldn't lose faith-it's not necessary...but it happens to them unfortunately too :/ rachel15, I hope that You will find what You are looking for and I wish You lots of peace on Your journey and lots of strength to live with struggles that You have. All the best
  10. I think that it's not always emotions, feelings, pressure of believing family members or missing a community makes people relapsing to Christianity...it's mostly (I think and observe) events in life that they and we in general can't control like: - sudden and unexpected coming of physical or mental illness, - death of beloved person, - some kind of hole in heart and in life that scientific facts can't fill, - maybe an addiction that came all of the sudden after de-conversion that secular therapy couldn't remove from someone's life, - some spiritual experiences, dreams and coincidences that makes them think about potential existence of spiritual world, -stories of exorcism and possession, that not always seem to be fake, -people's incredibly complex testimonies. It's hard to say how the bravest and one of the greatest world's atheists or atheists from this forum will behave when they will be dying one day...no one knows if they won't whisper in their mind to God in agony. In a such a serious moment it's hard to just stick to the facts. I'm thinking about myself too in that context. In February 2017, I had a battle in my mind, when my dad had a surgery in Neurosurgical Department (I heard from ER doctor that my dear dad might not survive). Whether should I pray or not, should I be angry at God whose existence I doubt? I prayed anyway and said many things "automatically" to God, but I knew that whether my dad survive or not I won't be 100% convinced to stay in Church and be a happy thankful Christian. I knew that I screwed up and my dad became an alcoholic, because of my shopaholic addiction (that happened after my deconversion although I'm still in church) and because of my debts that killed him as a man who respects money and saves them his whole life. Well, my dad had this surgery, cause he fell during winter in February on the ground (in alcoholic state of mind). That was Saturday (the day of the surgery) and I called to the "sister" from the church to say that I will be absent on Sunday and I couldn't help, but tears came out and I said what happened with a broken voice. She sent messages to different people to pray...well, doctor said that it was a miracle that my dad survived-he had lots of alcohol in his blood and a subdural hematoma, his right side of body was paralyzed. My mum died almost 16 years ago...I didn't want my dad to die too. You might wonder, if that tragic event removed my doubts about Christianity or made me to come back with heart and soul to the Lord?...NO. Not that much because of Darwin's evolution, but because my love for secular ART, dance and music is too strong to be satisfied within church.I've got a dream to become a screenwriter and write about people's issues and problem of crisis of faith, rise people's awareness towards mental illnesses and so on. But I know that movie industry and artistic world is filled with greedy people, perversion, wild parties and lots of forbidden things that I fear and in the same time I am interested in or curious. Sometimes I think that after inner de-conversion DEMONS entered my life, especially my brain- I experience range of complicated feelings, I laugh inside with a smile on my face, when some people suffer or are unhappy/ I've got lots of impure and evil thoughts. I'm hurt and torn apart in general. My personality is divided into angel and a evil persona. I've got 2 totally diffrent faces. Everyday I have to fight with my desire to shop and making new debts, I have to fight with my laziness, lack of motivation to go to Nursing and Public Health Studies and to 1 year school, where I learn how to become a Dental Assistant. I know that after medical education there is lots of work options in my country and abroad, but I'm not sure if my inner conflicts that are very complex and absence of parents in my future adult life will allow me to help sick patients with a stable mind. Maybe I should be just a waitress or a charwoman or English teacher or... a writer (but it causes too much obsessions inside of me, my imagination and characters that I create make me crazy, keep me in unreal world.). I'M AT HIGH RISK OF COMING BACK TO CHURCH TO FEEL LORD's LOVE, PEACE again and to make himconnect my torn personality together again, but sorry... I can't, because I know too much about evolution and scientific facts. Lot's of Atheists, especially famous have satisfying life, friends, money, conferences, podcasts and judge easily believing people for lack of scepticism towars religion, WITHOUT knowing believer's struggles and lifestories. I've never heard of Atheist who survived his or her mental illness or went through exorcism that became unreal to her or him or Atheist who were raised without parent or parents and now have a happy life witout God. My Rational and Christian side stll fights and it's hard to say if there will ever be a true WINNER in this neverending argument.
  11. To be honest, I can't fully de-convert, because my church have no idea what I have in my head, they don't know that I don't know if God exists and so on. I'm planning to come out to them in Summer 2018 in a letter, hope this time I will be brave enough to do it after about 7 years of being in Evangelical Church not really truly believing in it. I don't understand myself, why I actually stepped into Evangelical Church not being fully convinced that Christianity is true...but yeah in the beginning when someone discovers whole salvation only by faith thing and hear people's testimonies there is something in it that You can't simply pass by. I think that it's going to be hard for people in my church to BELIEVE that for all this time (7 years) I wasn't fully convinced about Christianity, but I guess as in the case of marriage it happens that someone has doubts from the day of wedding or even earlier and later on when you are IN, something changes and you discover simply- "it's not for me". Probably they will find it unbelievable that this shy, calm girl with angelic face and blonde hair could lie for SO long. I was raised in a Catholic tradition and with this kind of "Catholic mentality" it's hard to find yourself in a conservative Evangelical way of living. I always had lots of respect for God first in Catholic Church and then in Evangelical Church (I liked the fact that he cares for me, I liked praying a lot), but I found it hard from the beginning to deal with people who want so badly to love You and befriend with You and hug You too much (espacially the ones that like You more than You actually like them). I found it hard to say all the time yes or agree when they were making weird asumptions about different things and hearing stereotypes about certain group of people. I ADMIT, I found it hard to fully, without doubts give my whole life to Jesus Christ. I discovered that this kind of devotion and conservatism scares me to the bone! Anyway, how You dealed with WHOLE disappointment of friends that really respected You and thought of You as their spiritual example in a Christian life? How did You handle it personally especially if particular friendship was really important to You and You knew all secrets and struggles of Your friend?
  12. I don't know what to DO. I guess I am a Weak Atheist and a Weak Theist in the same time. Divided between 2 completely different worlds that can't become one for me :/

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Lost

      Lost

      agnostic atheist...yeah it's pretty good idea :)

       

    3. sdelsolray

      sdelsolray

      The four-way categorization of (i) gnostic theist, (ii) agnostic theist, (iii) agnostic atheist and (I've) gnostic atheist combines a statement of knowledge (gnosticism/agnosticism) and a statement of belief (theism/atheism).

    4. Geezer

      Geezer

      I feel certain reading authors like Bart Ehrman will be beneficial. People that aren't sure what they believe are simply lacking information & evidence. That kind of problem is easily fixed.

       

      I suggest you read or watch some YouTube videos featuring religious historians like Bart Ehrman, Robert M Price, Richard Carrier, etc.

  13. Hey Tyler J ! Good that You wrote this post. I experience the same. For me personally God was like a protector and a parent after my mum's death, so getting rid of the idea of Jesus Christ as a saviour from all troubles was difficult and still is. I'm still in church, but in the closet...hope I will come out in Summer 2018. Anyway, Darwin's evolution is still kind of hard for my brain, I'm fascinated by it, but there are days when my brain, heart and memories go into back to Christianity. I know that in my case, there will be more sadness and struggles in life than happiness or joy, so I guess I will be missing a concept of loving God, especially in terms of my childhood's trauma. I like to develop intelectually and learn new things and question everything, but sometimes when something really hard and illogical happens in our lives it's really difficult to just stay unshakeable in skepticism. During tough times in life it's difficult to just be satisfied with evolution and wonders of nature. Wish You ALL the best in Your journey Tyler J
  14. Hey LovelyChantel! Good that You brought to life this subject. Sorry for that what You had to go through, because of religious trauma :/ Me, personally when a strong doubt about God hit me I suffered from depersonalization episode. I was scared of the feelings that I had in my brain. To minimalize that I had to strongly focus on my daily realistic duties. But it wasn't easy to function in high school and Nursing studies. I became very rebelious, I started behave like a spoiled teenager after loosing faith and what is funny (maybe not) I was a fresh memeber of the church at that time. My doubts and crisis of faith started around 3 weeks before water baptism. I'm still in church as a closed free-thinker and sometimes I wonder why it was so difficult to tell elders before baptism about my lack of conviction to Christianity, but instead because of the fear going into it. I FEEL THAT MY STORY IS the weirdest one. I became also a shopaholic and a hoarder and I have lots of debts (because of online loans). My addiction gives me a feeling of doing whatever I want and takes me away from thinking about Christianity and the fact that I'm still in church. I'm planning to write them letter in the next year when I will go to holidays, but my plans never end. I think people in Atheist communities or especially ex-christians don't talk that often about people who literally became insane after loosing faith in God. For some people it's a real tragedy and trauma for the brain. I CAN'T LAUGH like other former believers at religion and to be honest I don't understand my life at all. It's all scary. But free-thinking is truly liberating, but very often confusing and scary especially for sensitive individuals. Hope that You, LovelyChantel find peace on your journey of life! Best wishes
  15. Covering head with a scarf or any other material while praying, cause as believers explain that..."when a woman while praying won't cover her head some angels from the sky might become attracted to her and transform into fallen angels". I'm still in church as a closed free-thinker and I cover my head while praying and when other people pray, but sometimes when someone starts to pray I don't always cover it that quickly. I noticed that my female friends from Pentacostal church find it weird, although some of them cover their head. In general in my Evangelical church this is a norm. Sometimes I literally sigh when some Christian girls from the Ukraine come to my church and they have covered head for a whole service- but their scarf or whatever that is it's like a piece of some narrow belt rather the material that covers whole their head.