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About Lost

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  • Birthday 06/27/1993

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    Religion, Films, Music, Nursing, Social Issues, Mental Illnesses
  • More About Me
    I lost my mum when I was about 9 years old. That personal tragedy pushed me close to God in Catholic Church. In 2011 I was baptised in Evangelical Church on my own will, but with a little bit shadow of doubt. Because I have been creating story for film for 5 years in my head (not on a paper, because of lack of motivation) I was looking for information on different subjects connected with religion and belief or non-belief. That's how I came to salvation in CHrist and that's how my doubts started to grow. Now I don't know what to expect.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    I don't know anymore

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  1. Lost


    I'm also kinda person, who is uncertain of many things. Uncertanity is really annoying. Hope that You ag_NO_stic will find a way out of this and Your struggle will go away!
  2. Lost

    Finally did it!

    I don't know why this is happening, but some people from church try to reach out to me (especially those who didn't have closer interraction with me). I DECIDED to be in touch with one friend (she is quite tolerrant) and she mentioned to me that one married couple from church would like to meet with me and their home's doors are always open for me. They are convinced that I quit going to church, because elders are not really interested in anyone and there is no real family atmosphere in church. I messaged to my friend and asked her to tell them that this is a mattter of my views, not my feelings towards people in church...to be honest it's a matter of different things. They send me greetings through my friend. They seem like they want to be my friends at all cost...sigh. In my church some people created an alternative home group, where there is a nice, family atmosphere and all of that. Of course pastor and one of the elders were pissed off that something like that was created. So creator of the group spoke about this group on the forum of the church. So, members of the church can go freely to his home group during Wednesdays and to church to Bible study on Tuesdays and Prayer meetings on Thursdays. Yesterday I got call, actually I called back to unknown number (I didn't have it on my phone contacts list) and as it turned out- it was one guy from church (kind of rebellious man, who don't like that much elders). He started to invite me to this alternative home group. He asked me some questions without being rude and he said about his perspective on God . I am not really an assertive person and I told him where I started my job (he even mentioned that he will come to buy ice creams in McDonalds, where I work). Shit! I blocked his number on my phone like some others' numbers. I told myself that I need to be tough and consistent about my decision and not to make a mistake of interracting again with these people. Some of them are nicer than others, but Lost, please shut up and follow your purposes, don't come back to previous life. But when I will ever meet them on the street or on the bus- I don't know what will I do. I think for some people from my church it's hard to believe that this shy, quiet and nice girl (I'm talking about myself) just lost her faith and don't believe anymore. To be honest I feel strong heat of anxiety and go again through some kind of stage of trauma, when I think about Christianity or Christians. I'm allergic to their whole environment. For sure, if I will ever find out that I'm dying, because of some deadly disease or I will be on death bed, I will be thinking about God, Jesus and hell, maybe I will be praying in case of not being condemed, but I don't know if that will make me feel really certain and convinced about truth of Christianity :/
  3. Lost

    Finally did it!

    I meant actually people HERE on Ex-C. For more than 3 years as I am here only one member wrote a private message to me. I feel kind of sad that so many great people disappeared from this forum and I couldn't talk with them in private messages. I thought that I will be able to talk through Discord with some of you, using my voice and hear others' voices, but my computer don't accept this program. I was ashamed to ask if anyone could talk with me on Skype. Anyway, I can't complain You gave me also lots of support by writing posts. To be clear, last time I went to my church was on Sunday the 1st July 2018. On Monday the 2nd July I sent letters on post office and as it turned out my letters arrived to 4 people from church today on Tuesday the 3rd July 2018. I was surprised that although I blocked one of my friends on my mobile phone I could see a text message from her about my letter and she wasn't judgemental and she said that she wants to continue friendship with me regardless belief. She even admitted that she personally struggles with crisis of faith too and has some moral and spiritual issues. I was open to her in a letter that she can decide, whether she wants to continue friendship with me or not. So she chose yes. In other 3 letter to a Pastor, one of the Elders and to another friend (that I have never really liked) I made it very clear that I don't want them to come to my house and try to convert me and that I don't want any contact from them. I explained to them a lot and wrote all the reasons, why I'm leaving and I was nice in a letter. But about stuff related to staying in a contact, I was really honest with them. Thank You MOHO, florduh, LogicalFallacy for Your responses and advices. I appreciate them! Thank You TrueScotsman and yunea for your LIKES to my post Hope to hear more positive words and advices from You ALL and other members of the Ex-C
  4. Lost

    Finally did it!

    Hey If anyone remembers me here, I want to let You guys know that I finally did it! I did send a letter to Pastor of my church and to one of the Elders and to 2 close friends that I have spent most of my time with. I'm kind of nervous inside, cause I went to post office with 4 letters yesterday on Monday (the 2nd July 2018) and they told me that on Tuesday (the 3rd July 2018) all letters should arrive to these people. I blocked phone numbers of people from church and I closed my Facebook account and I created a new one for myself and people that I really want to have contact with. I'm afraid to meet them one day on the streets or as clients in my work at McDonalds that I'm going to start in the middle of July. Shit... McDonald's- how will I survive this? I finished studying one level of Nursing ( I'm Licensed Nurse) and I'm continuing to study a higher level. I could start working as a Nurse, but I don't feel that much mentally stable right now to be super responsible for patients' health. This whole thing with church drives me crazy. But I got to conclusion with my dad that I have to start my first job anywhere. I have huge debts, because of my shopaholic addiction and my dad became an alcoholic, because of my problems with money :/ When I will have more time I will translate a letter to a Pastor and Elder from my language to English to show You, what I wrote. I've noticed that here on Ex-C some people disappeared or decided to be less active. I want to say that I still believe in a power that this forum gives to people, who come here and struggle in their life with losing God and go through the process of deconversion. I admit that I was kind of disappointed that NO ONE reached out to me during my absence. Maybe it's because of me, cause I usually seem to be weird to people or because I don't have this ability to really build close relationships with people. THANK YOU ALL for Your support here and nice advices that You gave me during more than 3 years on this forum By the way, where is Margee, the mother of this forum (at least I think like that personally)?
  5. Lost

    Shared Experiences and Hello

    Hey REM123 Your style of writing and putting Your feelings and thoughts into sentences is wonderful I wish I could write that well as You too, cause I would like to be in a future a screenwriter, maybe not super famous and professional, but really good in writing interesting stories (mostly about spiritual conflicts, mental health issues, social problems and a problem of losing parents through death or abandoment). I like the way You shared Your story here and how You went into some details. You are not ahamed of all feelings that You were experiencing as a believer and how certain things and aspects of belief were helping You to go through some life difficulties. And Your understanding of things that You experienced in a whole process is really well-written. You have a great chance to be the next great advisor on this forum! Some people here ( I don't blame them, they are strong-minded individuals) are like...this whole Christian life that I experienced was a big BULLSHIT and now I am free and happy and all of that! I'm glad that You notice that some stuff in Christian life were good and helpful and You see now, why it's not that easy to just let it go quickly and put it in a BULLSHIT category. For emotional, sentimental and vulnerable individuals it's much harder to JUST let it go fast. REM123, I wish You lots of success on Your journey out of Christianity and lots of joy in discovering more and more about that what You really want to do with Your life
  6. Lost

    Believers' testimonies

    I was planning to come out to church and 2 friends in a letter in March and now it's April and still I wasn't able to do this, although I was absent in church for 2 and a half week (because of Nursing studies and Dental Assistant Course (during weekends). Also, I was planning in March to just change my phone number, but it makes things difficult, cause I would have to tell lots of people from the beginning my new phone number...in the end of March I realized that I actually can just block certain phone numbers that I don't want to receive anymore. It's all stressful, cause except my problem with church... I have to also battle with hard Nursing Studies, Public Health studies and Dental Assistant Course (mostly I have in these 3 areas low grades), I have to deal with my dad's alcohol addiction, caused mostly because of my debts during never-ending shopaholic addiction mania. I afraid to deal also with coming out with my new, much bigger than before debts and how it will affect his health. Maybe, in April I will give myself a try to come out to church and block their numbers on my cell phone and closing my Facebook account. I live in a town and in country, where people have no idea about struggles that I have. I go to 2 therapists (one is a general psychologist and we have a break from therapy, cause I have to focus now on Addiction Therapy) and the second is from Addiction Therapy. My life is like the weirdest dream, anyone can image. Unless I will meet people that share my life story, I won't believe that there are other folks in this world like me. I was always moral person and I thought that I have respect for money...but after losing faith I developed shopping addiction and huge amount of debt and my room looks like a one, big rubbish. I can't believe that shit! And my dad will probably won't survive my next message about new debts. And I will lose the second parent. I wish I could earn some money abroad, for example in England, but now this whole Brexit thing...and I don't have any support or friends that could help me to go abroad and feel safe there. I can speak and write in English well, but it's not enough to just make a serious decision about moving abroad and leaving only one, close person.
  7. Lost

    Believers' testimonies

    Thank You ALL for Your resonable responses And I love Your response austere- it's really well written and heart warming and encouraging
  8. Lost

    Believers' testimonies

    Thanks Fuego for Your reply But I guess that, what You experienced was definitely fake testimonies and Your pastor turned out to be a liar. And I wasn't asking about historical accuracy of the Bible and all that stuff. In this topic I just want to hear about look on testimonies that were convincing and true for us as believers. And how to deal with people that knew us as believers, were giving us books with people's testimonies, were sharing their testimonies with us and now they find out that we are non-believers? They might ask me, so what is Your explanation to my life's struggles and my testimony. One girl from the church that I know would point to me, that from the childhood she had lots of health problems, surgeries and was very often treated wrong by the doctors and only God walked her through it. So, I should respond to these people, that this is all an illusion and I don't know what?
  9. Hey I wanted to write about something that bothers me for a long time as in the title "Believers' testimonies". I'm sure that when You were coming out as an non-believer to Christian family members or church in general, people were trying to remind You about testimonies that You heard and they tried to talk about "Great Awakenings", people who got out of addictions and occult practices and missionaries who shared the Gospel to wild tribes. I'm planning my coming out in the next week and I'm afraid that stories mentioned above will always disturb me and remind me that maybe there is Jesus' power behind them and I'm wrong about science and evolution. It's hard. Some testimonies are really like fake or believers's exaggeration over stuff that happens everyday even to non-believers...but there are much complex and full of coincidence stories that leave me with confused feelings of wanting in my life the same to happen or that devil is a liar and he invented evolution idea. How do You deal with Your Christian family, friends' testimonies and how do You look at testimonies that used to builed and strengthen Your faith in Jesus that You had in the past?
  10. Wow A Wonderful post dirwid Especially, this line: "I’m still not quite sure why I never became “on fire for Jesus”. I couldn't make it either :/
  11. Just because a person is an atheist/non religious doesn't mean that they're suitable to be a lifetime partner.  Likewise, just because a person is a Christian, doesn't mean that they're unsuitable.  If I had to commit to marriage I would rather have a faithful, stable, Christian wife than some of the individuals I've seen in the atheist community so far.  Of course, I don't know the whole story or what else could have gone into her decision (besides pressure from her Christian mother and her child).

    (Sorry, I meant to reply directly to your status but posted here by accident, I can't delete this now).

    1. Lost


      Thank You for the reply Reality Check :)


      I don't know really details about this whole story. But I know and I always felt that this girl does not fit into Christian beliefs. During Christian home meetings she was asking many questions, just like me and she was reading lots of books (I am different, I hate reading).


      She was raised only by her single mother, cause her dad died, because of alcoholism. Her mother used to be an alcoholic, but Jesus saved her.


      I guess romance with a secular man (a little bit Catholic actually) disappointed her and maybe she started to feel hopeless with a whole perspective to raise a child alone.

      Here where I live, maybe there is 5 % of Protestants in my whole town. Maybe 5 groups that count around 30 people, SO I was hoping that there are some people who like me have doubts, are not afraid to admit it and I was hoping thst I'm not alone with my deconversion.

      I think that her  break from Christianity was not intellectual actually, so she easily was catch by goodness of Christian freinds and family that she always knew.


      Weird thing is that her cousin left church without a word and I have to admit that I was impressed and that gave me some hope that one day I will do the same.


      I thought that her cousin will influence her. And I thought that it happened...


      By the way...


      It made me kind of sad that what You wrote about some individuals from Atheist Community. If they are unstable and can not stay in a relationship for a long time...it sort of give Atheists a bad name.

       And yeah, people prefer to have morally good friends and family members, cause they are stable thanks to "God has everything under control".


      Christian partner better than a secular one? - good topic forb a new thread :)

    2. RealityCheck


      Currently there are two Christian women in my life who if given a chance, I would date without hesitation.  They are both attractive, highly motivated, have much going for them, are uplifting, and most importantly they are stable.  I would date them over the atheists who wallow in cynicism, complacency, ect (although, I can't say I am without those faults myself).  They have exactly what I'm looking for in a partner and I'm willing to overlook belief differences.  Likewise, when I was a Christian I was very attracted to an atheist girl because I could be myself and free around her.  At the time, it was what I was looking for and what made me feel complete.  That was years ago however, and the atheist movement has been contaminated with self righteous justice warriors, identity politics, self victimization, and a whole other basket of ills that I find repugnant.  I can't be myself anymore without offending someone.  I'm also attracted to raw femininity which again, the atheist community seems to discourage.  The point I'm trying to make is that for many, a person's religion isn't the main factor in determining compatibility.  The perceptions in this forum are skewed because many have been hurt by Christianity and therefore cannot be with someone who embraces it.  I've been out of the faith for long enough that those wounds have healed and I can look at the world in a different perspective.

      While a Christian, I saw my peers dating secular individuals for a multitude of reasons.  I've also seen atheists do the same.  Your friend is dating a Christian man because he probably offers something that her atheist peers do not.  Maybe he offers her the security and stability that she lacked for most of her life.  Maybe he offers the love and affection she's been craving.  If that's the case, don't be disappointed or concerned.  Instead, be happy for her, maybe get a chance to meet this guy.  You may find the reason why she is attracted to him.  Maybe yes, she did leave Christianity for non-intellectual reasons or perhaps she is in a transitional phase like some people here.  I do wish her the best.

    3. Lost


      Yeah, You are right :)


      I think that if these Christian girls that You know are notfundamental in their beliefs You have a chance to build with one of them a really great relationship.


      All the best for You in Your plans :)

  12. I'm disappointed, that one of the girls that I knew from the Christian home groups is engaged now to a Christian. She had 2 year break from Christianity on her own will, met a secular man that became her boyfriend...she got pregnant and after short time she broke up with him.

    I had hope that she is an intelligent enough to see what Christianity is trully all about.

    I guess a pressure from her Christian mother and perspective to live alone with a kid was too much to handle without God.


    Sometimes I lose hope, if I will ever be able to come out to my church and not be pressured to come back :/

  13. Sorry to hear that, what You have to go through androgynousApocalypse. I think that You have no other choice, but to listen advices of other members here. I know it's easy to say to just listen to them for now, when in reality You would like to run away from this whole bullshit. The worse thing is that if You will pretend to be a Christian for them, there can be a pressure to marry also and spending lots of time with believers. Shit, shit and shit. But good news is that Your studies can separate You, distract You from this troubled, full of pressure Christian world. I can't believe, I spend alsomst 7 years in church, actually having doubts, since my water baptism. I have never had full conviction about Christianity, but anyway I always thought, even when I was in Catholic church that it'a a great way for living. But when I actually was sucked by it, it turned out that reality is different. I know that for some people it works out, but for others simple not. Nursing studies in my case really helped me a lot, now I study 3 different things and still it's a great way to escape from people in my church for some time.But I noticed that they don't really like it that I am not that often in church. Days when I am in church are really exhausting and make me sick to my stomach. I go through lots of mixed emotions: missing God, feeling sadness over lack of confidence in faith, desire to believfe, anger, fear, irritation. I'm planning my coming out in Summer 2018, when I will go somewhere on vacation. I will write to them a letter...hope that it will happen. Maybe, it would be better for You to start the college in another town, but yeah...probably your parents would be suspicious that maybe You plan something and they want You to be near them. Personally, I don't feel pressure from my family (cause they are liberal Catholics), but I feel lots of pressure from my church, especially one fucking sister in Christ that is kind of like energy vampire. Even today (after long time since I was in church) she gave me a speech about my studies choices. She said that I should focus on Nursing and if i have to on Dental assistant course in weekend school, but I should quit my Public Health studies. She suggested that I should pray to God for guidence whether I should stay in POland and work here or in another country. And unfortunately, in these days there would be a trouble to move to England, because of Brexit regulations. Blah, Blah, Blah...luckily there are other towns and other European coutries where I can move to... In my country Public Health is not really common and is for now an unknown area and people usually don't want to visit a doctor, when they are healthy...but it doesn't mean that it won't be useful for me in the future, who the hell knows? Pressure is real. It's everywhere, even in a secular world. Wish You all the best on Your journey
  14. Hey crushed I'm glad that You found some relief and You came here to find support. I'm also the person who is lying to people in church and participate in communion and pretend to be friend for people in need. I'm afraid that my coming out would completely destroy one of my friends from church who came to Jesus Christ after being depressed for several years (history of deression, taking medications, suicidal thoughts). Anyway, I'm planning to send a letter to my church in Summer 2018 when I will go to a vacation and tell them about losing my faith. Your situation is for sure much harder, because Your whole family is somehow involved in church. I don't have my own family. I live with my dad who is a rationalist for his whole life and I live in a Catholic country, so other family members don't take seriously religion that much, they celebrate tradition. I was the only one from my whole family that became interested in religion and spirituality in a young age, because of my mum's death. My classmates and family memebers looked at me like I would be a weirdo, for being so serious about God and life after death. Here You can read more about my lying to church, where I still go to. Best wishes and hugs for You in Your personal journey
  15. Lost

    Fear of hell and suicide

    Hey Serenely Blue During the beginning of crisis of faith I was thinking about "what is the purpose of human beings, especially if we are an evolution's product?". That gave lots of hopeless feelings and the negative view on our fate as human beings-like no hope in God, what's now? After my mum's death, almost 16 years ago, I was thinking to myself that it would be better to go to my mum and God to heaven to be close to them and be clean child, because if I will stay longer on this Earth I will sin more. That gave me sort of a suicidal thought, but during religion Catholic classes a teacher said that people who commit suicide go to hell. So I stopped thinking like that. From time to time, an image of my own suicide sometimes cross my mind, but only as a picture in my imagination...not a real desire to end my life. Everyday I create lots of stories in my imagination, cause I am a Maladaptive Daydreamer, so dramatic pictures have their own place in my head too. I would be afraid to commit suicide, because of 3 reasons: - I am afraid that there actually could be hell, - I am jealous that other folks would still live a happy life and I would have to change into a dust, - a suicide attempt is not always successful and someone can live as a disabled person on a wheelchair or as "a neurologically dead plant" in a bed. WISH YOU lots of strength, health and hapiness on Your journey of life Serenely Blue, hope that Your problems will become smaller and smaller with time