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DutchGoddess

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About DutchGoddess

  • Birthday 04/22/1987

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Netherlands
  • Interests
    Love, life, writing
  • More About Me
    I am a Dutch young woman who sometimes is too conscious about everything, since it always feels someone is watching me. Isn't it God, then my parents or my neighbors.

    Sometimes I am too careless, since I want to feel free and I do just anything I feel, regardless of the (sometimes sad) consequences.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Not sure

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  1. This morning my mother phoned me. We chitchatted a bit and then she said: 'I hope I'm not bothering you with this question, but what if something will happen with you when you're on a vacation, where will you be?' I remained silent. I felt that this time I couldn't keep up my face anymore, I didn't want to lie to her anymore. So instead of 'oh, in heaven', I said: 'let's talk about this another time more extensively, but to be honest... I got another framework now. I don't believe this anymore.' And then we talked a lot. I told her that I don't believe it anymore and that I hoped that she could see me from a human viewpoint. She asked me why I kept saying things like 'yes' when she asked me to pray for someone. (Hm, should I say 'no'? It felt wrong.) I told her that I was scared to tell her that I don't believe anymore, because I was afraid that she would reject me. And I told her that I didn't want to lie anymore. She said that God is everything and without God she would be nothing and that she felt responsible to bring me the news. I said that this news just hurts me, maybe for her it's love but for me it is pain. 'Do you think that it works when you want to give love but it just causes pain?' I told her that she better doesn't ask these questions anymore. She wanted to know who took me away from God. As if someone did this. 'It is my own choice.' She also wanted to know if my faith in God was real. 'Yes, it was very real. But I want to be honest about the things that I believe. People change, mom. Thank you for teaching me the thing that was most important to you in your life, but for me other things are more important.' She didn't say that I was more important than God. God was everything for her. She lives in fear. 'And what if God asks me what I did to tell my children about him?' I said 'mom, this will sound strange because I don't believe if, but if you ever will have to answer that question, you can say wholeheartedly that you did EVERYTHING to tell me about him. Believe me, I know it. EVERYTHING.' It was hard, it was painful, we both cried a lot on the phone. We told each other that we love each othe. The pain will not leave. She still doesn't understand it really, because she might always see life, time, love and her children from the framework of this religion and I will see life from my own side from another framework. These frameworks are clashing and she doesn't see it. But at least I told her. It was very intense. A bit a relief as well. I'm so tired now. And ready to get in therapy or something. Because now I listen to what my mother told me 'without God you are nothing' then I realize that this has always been what she told me. That I am nothing, unless I let God into my life. I always had God. But now I don't believe in him anymore, I have to start with a self-image as a 'nothing'. Great. Ready for therapy.
  2. Sorry for replying so late and thank you for all your accepting reactions. It really touches me. Here is my story. It is a bit long, but I hope you somehow 'enjoy' (???) it. I used to grow up in a quite 'fundy' church. We were one christian family, following a kind of exclusive/exclusionist kind of belief. There were lots of stories about Jesus coming back, letting Jesus into your heart, every week people were celebrating over the resurrection and grace of Jesus, etc. I remember that Jesus became my hero, my love, my everything. As a child I could almost feel his feelings and cried quite often over the hellish pain that he must have gone through on that cross. He was more real for me than many friends, or than any other story. On the other hand, I kept thinking that I should give my heart to him. What if I didn't? Left behind-images flew threw my mind whenever I came home from school and my mother (a stay-home mother) was not in the room. 'I'm the one that's left out'. Also, when the thunder was rolling, I kept thinking that the end of time was there. It was a very intense and unpleasant feeling. I was aware of my 'very realistic superhero', but in the same time not accepting him, or doing bad things, having one bad thought, could cause so much fear of being left outside alone. When I grew up, I decided to put my fear in the hands of God. He was everything for me. I wrote stories and diaries since I could write and when I now read them back, I see that every step I took, he was watching me. Jesus was the main topic and the main guest in my diary. I started to be sure that I would go to heaven, I was even melodramatically idealizing heaven over earth. As a teenager, I wrote often things like 'Today was terrible, I don't like my friends and family - forgive me Jesus, but I really am looking forward to the day that I'm with you and don't have to endure these things anymore.'. I was out on the streets, evangelizing, following 'God's voice' to help the ones who needed it. I loved the homeless, the old people, the people who were sad and insecure. Jesus loved them too, so I thought. Then I started to live in a place where I met people who didn't believe. Lots of people with different viewpoints. I was there to evangelize (it was kind of a Bibleyear with lots of contact with other people) and to work, but I often ended up having very interesting and deep talks with people who were stoned or who called themselves atheists or something. These chats were so spiritual and intimate, I remember that they touched to the deepest core of my existence. Afterwards, when I analyzed it, I thought: 'that's strange, this person doesn't believe in Jesus or any gods but yet we had a very spiritual talk.' And the more I was there, the less I wanted to change these people, nor did I want to tell them about Jesus. Because they were good the way they were. I met a man who became my boyfriend. A quite depressed guy who was older than me. He was my first boyfriend. We had sex. I felt so guilty. Rebecca St. James was, apart from Jesus, also my hero - waiting for the right one, etc. I had dreams in which the whole church was following me when I was naked with this guy. Very confronting. It made me think: is this really sinful? What is sin? Why do we need somebody to die for our sins? Aren't we all responsible for our own life? These thoughts, the people I met at this christian place and the condemnation of my family and church (I already left this church, but tried some other versions) were the triggers for me to decide 'maybe I don't believe anymore'. My family, who told me to break up with this guy. Not because he was depressed or not good for me (which were both true), but because....he was not a christian in the way they wanted it! So I said to myself: 'I don't call myself a christian anymore.' I tried to not feel guilty anymore by doing as many things that were taught to me that they were bad. I was going crazy in my 'holy temple'. Because, you know, free love and happiness will liberate you. But it didn't really liberate me. Yes, I stopped feeling guilty towards God. God didn't play a part in my life anymore. But I realized I did many of these things just to rebel against this guilt-feeling, but they didn't always make me happier. (Some did, of course.) I still had the tendency to pick the wrong guys. The ones who needed help. I was the new Jesus. Not that I really thought that, but I still was trying to save the world in a way. I was trying to save depressed boyfriends and flings etc. from a terrible life of wanting to kill themselves, of automutilation etc. It broke me. I decided to just choose for the good guys. Since I left Jesus, I always had a guy in my life who I worshipped. Often a douchebag, but well, I didn't leave the belief that every man is interesting and beautiful and worth of love. Then I realized that I should start choosing for myself. Since I left the faith, I need to take my own will, my own wishes and needs and pain more seriously. To be honest, I didn't. I had no idea how to. To be honest, I still often don't do this. I often downplay my own ideas, thoughts and wishes. Because I haven't learned to express them. If I ever said something, my parents had a saying which you can translate as 'you don't have any say in this, just listen to what we tell you.' I prayed e-ve-ry evening that I would be an obedient and sweet child. Almost 18 years long. Guess what? I am an obedient and very sweet person. Sometimes I rebel and because I don't know my own borders, I sometimes do very strange things. But I am a sweet person. And I don't know if this is really me. A few months ago I started doing a research for my Sociology studies to deconversion. Because hey, maybe it might be interesting to see how other people perceive this. I started reading. And reading. And crying. My mouth fell open. What the hell? There was so much more behind this topic than I ever had imagined. I left my faith quite insecure. Yes, I was a non-believer. No, I didn't tell many people. Yes, I cried whenever my mother implied that I would go to hell. No, I rationally didn't believe in hell anymore but my feelings could still reproduce all these immensely scary feelings that I used to have as a child. Yes, I am still insecure. Maybe because I never learned how to be valuable as an independent person. I was worth something as a saved child of God. Yes, I still often don't know what my opinion on things is. Because it was never taught to me to express my own opinion, I followed God and my parents. Yes, every time I have a boyfriend I am afraid that he leaves me. Because when I grew up it could always happen that my loved ones left me. Jesus would have taken them into the sky. And even if the sky is just a physical phenomenon for me now, it doesn't help to cure my fear of being left alone. As someone who doesn't find herself valuable enough and doesn't always know what her opinion on things are. Could it be more empty? So during this research for my studies, I decided to take myself and my own pain more seriously. To see what scars are left in my heart from the 'sword of God's Word'. I want to feel what I feel, to love myself, to take myself seriously and to find out what my opinion on things is. Because I am worth that. Also, I have the deep wish to make the relationship that I am in now, work. To love him without the thought that someone who loves me, could possibly leave me alone forever. Because he is worth it. And so am I and is our relationship. But how to do this? How do you take yourself seriously if you have been taught that what you think is doubtful when you compare it with the words of some religious entity and what you feel could be a sin? I don't believe in God and the bible anymore. I find it hard to de-idealize Jesus, although I am sure that his role was not at all the role that I have learnt. But I especially want to break free. This time not in a rebellious way, but in a way in which I grow up myself, by taking myself seriously.
  3. Sorry for replying so late and thank you for all your accepting reactions. It really touches me. Here some more plain information on this topic of losing my faith. I used to grow up in a quite 'fundy' church. We were one christian family, following a kind of exclusive/exclusionist kind of belief. There were lots of stories about Jesus coming back, letting Jesus into your heart, every week people were celebrating over the resurrection and grace of Jesus, etc. I remember that Jesus became my hero, my love, my everything. As a child I could almost feel his feelings and cried quite often over the hellish pain that he must have gone through on that cross. He was more real for me than many friends, or than any other story. On the other hand, I kept thinking that I should give my heart to him. What if I didn't? Left behind-images flew threw my mind whenever I came home from school and my mother (a stay-home mother) was not in the room. 'I'm the one that's left out'. Also, when the thunder was rolling, I kept thinking that the end of time was there. It was a very intense and unpleasant feeling. I was aware of my 'very realistic superhero', but in the same time not accepting him, or doing bad things, having one bad thought, could cause so much fear of being left outside alone. When I grew up, I decided to put my fear in the hands of God. He was everything for me. I wrote stories and diaries since I could write and when I now read them back, I see that every step I took, he was watching me. Jesus was the main topic and the main guest in my diary. I started to be sure that I would go to heaven, I was even melodramatically idealizing heaven over earth. As a teenager, I wrote often things like 'Today was terrible, I don't like my friends and family - forgive me Jesus, but I really am looking forward to the day that I'm with you and don't have to endure these things anymore.'. I was out on the streets, evangelizing, following 'God's voice' to help the ones who needed it. I loved the homeless, the old people, the people who were sad and insecure. Jesus loved them too, so I thought. Then I started to live in a place where I met people who didn't believe. Lots of people with different viewpoints. I was there to evangelize (it was kind of a Bibleyear with lots of contact with other people) and to work, but I often ended up having very interesting and deep talks with people who were stoned or who called themselves atheists or something. These chats were so spiritual and intimate, I remember that they touched to the deepest core of my existence. Afterwards, when I analyzed it, I thought: 'that's strange, this person doesn't believe in Jesus or any gods but yet we had a very spiritual talk.' And the more I was there, the less I wanted to change these people, nor did I want to tell them about Jesus. Because they were good the way they were. I met a man who became my boyfriend. A quite depressed guy who was older than me. He was my first boyfriend. We had sex. I felt so guilty. Rebecca St. James was, apart from Jesus, also my hero - waiting for the right one, etc. I had dreams in which the whole church was following me when I was naked with this guy. Very confronting. It made me think: is this really sinful? What is sin? Why do we need somebody to die for our sins? Aren't we all responsible for our own life? These thoughts, the people I met at this christian place and the condemnation of my family and church (I already left this church, but tried some other versions) were the triggers for me to decide 'maybe I don't believe anymore'. My family, who told me to break up with this guy. Not because he was depressed or not good for me (which were both true), but because....he was not a christian in the way they wanted it! So I said to myself: 'I don't call myself a christian anymore.' I tried to not feel guilty anymore by doing as many things that were taught to me that they were bad. I was going crazy in my 'holy temple'. Because, you know, free love and happiness will liberate you. But it didn't really liberate me. Yes, I stopped feeling guilty towards God. God didn't play a part in my life anymore. But I realized I did many of these things just to rebel against this guilt-feeling, but they didn't always make me happier. (Some did, of course.) I still had the tendency to pick the wrong guys. The ones who needed help. I was the new Jesus. Not that I really thought that, but I still was trying to save the world in a way. I was trying to save depressed boyfriends and flings etc. from a terrible life of wanting to kill themselves, of automutilation etc. It broke me. I decided to just choose for the good guys. Since I left Jesus, I always had a guy in my life who I worshipped. Often a douchebag, but well, I didn't leave the belief that every man is interesting and beautiful and worth of love. Then I realized that I should start choosing for myself. Since I left the faith, I need to take my own will, my own wishes and needs and pain more seriously. To be honest, I didn't. I had no idea how to. To be honest, I still often don't do this. I often downplay my own ideas, thoughts and wishes. Because I haven't learned to express them. If I ever said something, my parents had a saying which you can translate as 'you don't have any say in this, just listen to what we tell you.' I prayed e-ve-ry evening that I would be an obedient and sweet child. Almost 18 years long. Guess what? I am an obedient and very sweet person. Sometimes I rebel and because I don't know my own borders, I sometimes do very strange things. But I am a sweet person. And I don't know if this is really me. A few months ago I started doing a research for my Sociology studies to deconversion. Because hey, maybe it might be interesting to see how other people perceive this. I started reading. And reading. And crying. My mouth fell open. What the hell? There was so much more behind this topic than I ever had imagined. I left my faith quite insecure. Yes, I was a non-believer. No, I didn't tell many people. Yes, I cried whenever my mother implied that I would go to hell. No, I rationally didn't believe in hell anymore but my feelings could still reproduce all these immensely scary feelings that I used to have as a child. Yes, I am still insecure. Maybe because I never learned how to be valuable as an independent person. I was worth something as a saved child of God. Yes, I still often don't know what my opinion on things is. Because it was never taught to me to express my own opinion, I followed God and my parents. Yes, every time I have a boyfriend I am afraid that he leaves me. Because when I grew up it could always happen that my loved ones left me. Jesus would have taken them into the sky. And even if the sky is just a physical phenomenon for me now, it doesn't help to cure my fear of being left alone. As someone who doesn't find herself valuable enough and doesn't always know what her opinion on things are. Could it be more empty? So during this research for my studies, I decided to take myself and my own pain more seriously. To see what scars are left in my heart from the 'sword of God's Word'. I want to feel what I feel, to love myself, to take myself seriously and to find out what my opinion on things is. Because I am worth that. Also, I have the deep wish to make the relationship that I am in now, work. To love him without the thought that someone who loves me, could possibly leave me alone forever. Because he is worth it. And so am I and is our relationship. But how to do this? How do you take yourself seriously if you have been taught that what you think is doubtful when you compare it with the words of some religious entity and what you feel could be a sin? I don't believe in God and the bible anymore. I find it hard to de-idealize Jesus, although I am sure that his role was not at all the role that I have learnt. But I especially want to break free. This time not in a rebellious way, but in a way in which I grow up myself, by taking myself seriously.
  4. Oh this is normal, I hear it around me all the time. Maybe people will say it's a midlife crisis, but to be honest, I believe more that people live in different stages/phases in their lives and it's completely natural to be changing your wishes and preferences during these different phases. It's the circle of life in your own life.
  5. So beautiful, your son can be happy with such a mom! This warms my heart.
  6. It's maybe the time of the year, maybe my feminine period, maybe I miss my love... But I feel that - even when the sun shines - it's time for mourning. Mourning over all the things that I have lost, that I held on to. A god, a life feeling worthless - because hey, someone else is worth a fucking lot more than me oh yes Glory to the highest - a life in fear. The problem is that I don't believe in this god, in this 'holy book' anymore. The holiness is gone. But it's been such a crucial part of my life that it's hard to let go of all these emotions, it's hard to understand how I should loose the fear. But also the implications of love that the faith had for me, to fulfill this feeling of emptiness that the same faith had brought in my mind. I found the world always so shallow. Now I wish I knew how to swim in these 'shallow' waters - they seem so far away from me and yet they seem the only place to swim in. It's waters that I don't know and all the fishes in it seem like sharks. Anyhow, hello. I am a Dutch young woman and I'm in a super melancholic mood. Probably because I have been busy the last weeks studying this topic of loosing faith and now my head is so full of emotions and thoughts that I wish I could just reincarnate into a life without any gods and forget about what happened until now. It's not that I'm abused or something. Just my whole life until now I was mindfucked, fucking penetrated by beliefs that overwhelmed my whole worldview. That I used to belief with every step I took, every bite I had and every dream I dreamt. It was all about god. And somehow I feel quite alone in leaving this 'holy place'. I thought I was alone in being a believer. Hell... I was not. I feel very alone in leaving the community, leaving the belief that everytime I feel alone, I got someone to talk to. I got friends around me which are atheists. They don't understand what it all meant for me, the ridiculize my former faith, maybe in the way how I should ridiculize it - but it feels not right, because it meant so much to me. In the same time there's christians behind me, I feel their eyes on me everywhere, watching to catch their prey. Praying to get me back into the Cage of christianity. I rather swim in the pool of shallow waters, although there are sharks in there. Ok, maybe I am a bit melodramatic today. But I always downplayed my feelings until now. Since the moment I decided to stop believing, I have ignored these feelings. Ok, not really. I have been scared every single time the thunder was rolling, since it brought me back to my fears of hell and the end of times. I have been touched to tears by things that were 'not coincidental'. I have been praying for my exams whenever I thought it was needed. And still I'm fucking afraid to tell my christian friends and family that I don't believe it all anymore. My self worth is still not strong enough to be able to bear their reaction. I have read many things at this forum the last times. I hope to find a place of recognition here, a place to share, even if a sea full of who-knows-what-kind-of-fishes may separate us. I also promise to be a bit less melodramatic in my other posts. Usually people see me as a positive person, but hey, the internet tells the evil truth. (
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