knightcore

Spirituality
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knightcore last won the day on May 16

knightcore had the most liked content!

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About knightcore

  • Rank
    Strong Minded
  • Birthday 02/24/1994

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Interests
    Drawing, Reading, Writing, Video Games
  • More About Me
    Pretty gay, pretty pagan, pretty open. I don't like to deal with gods anymore than necessary. If you ever need to let off some steam I always have an open ear!

    Aspiring hairstylist and educator, I'm not on a whole lot because I barely have time for myself these days.

Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Who knows

Recent Profile Visitors

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  1. Finally put in my two weeks at my shitty job!! I am SO excited. And I'm about a month out from finishing school!!!!!

    1. ThereAndBackAgain
    2. Riven

      Riven

      Yay! I'm sure that feels soooo good!!

  2. knightcore

    Unconditional Love is Garbage

    Much easier said than done. But you're right. I really don't know if it is anymore. I'm mixed parts happy and miserable when I'm there but whenever I get home the depression hits like a 16 wheeler. So logically no it's not worth the grief. Also seeing that last sentence really hit me hard even though it's something I've told myself often.
  3. knightcore

    Unconditional Love is Garbage

    I think what really stings is that my dad especially has always been hard on me and been vocally disappointed in my grades, college, and general choices even before I came out. But he is always highly supportive of one of my brothers. It's really obvious who the favorite is with him.
  4. knightcore

    Unconditional Love is Garbage

    I do think they love me I don't think that part is a lie. But I do definitely think that the definition of love is distorted. Also I'm not sure it's being withheld so much as forced? Like when I talk to my dad I can feel the strain of him trying to be normal and not talk about anything related to my being transgender. But I also feel like it will only be forced as long as I play along. I know they don't see it as transactional because they've placed all of that on me. If I ever decide I want to break off that's on me and not them because they're going to love me regardless even though they don't accept me. They've made it really clear that if there ever is a rift in the family that it will be because I break off and not them and therefore that's my fault and not theirs. I was talking to my friend this morning and described it as playing hypothetical chess with myself, but against them. Because all the choices are on me and they're refusing to play but they're still the opponent. Every move is my fault because they will only take a passive role.
  5. knightcore

    Unconditional Love is Garbage

    I've already tried that and it really doesn't work. I think I came off too weak honestly. But you're really right at the end of the day I can't force values on them and I think that's why I'm so resigned at this point.
  6. knightcore

    Unconditional Love is Garbage

    I've been thinking about this since I woke up and saw it and I don't... know that they do. This may sound like a silly revelation to have but they don't really? Except for being able to see my siblings? It's just understood that I go to church when I'm home out of "respect" but if I ever don't my dad throws a fit for the rest of the day and is impossible to be around. Is manipulative behavior leverage? But I guess there isn't really like. A solid reason to go home, or to put up with all of this other than obligation. This is genuinely a lot to think about and I'm glad you phrased things the way you did.
  7. Yes I'm going to talk about my relationship with my parents again because apparently all I do on here is to pop in and give encouragement and then complain about my parents after I go and visit them. That said I really hate that my parents can be so actively hurtful to me but still be like "oh but we always love you". Not to mention that they also are like "God still loves you too". It's just this whole mentality that even though we're both hurting each other we still need to stay close. I really hate the God aspect because every time I go to my parents church I feel like I hear the pastor's yearly sermon on how bad those deviant homosexuals are. God obviously does not want me in his church and never has. In a lot of ways going to my parents house feels like going to church. I know I'm welcome but not as a member of the family really. I can go through all the motions but I'm still othered and not a part of the congregation. I can pay alms but not join. There's just a huge barrier between us and it's never talked about anymore because they've already made their stance clear that I'm not their son and never will be. It's honestly so bad that when I finally got home and my roommate called me my name I was caught off guard because I hadn't heard it in four days. My parents refuse to even call me the nickname I've asked them to use, which is an abbreviation of my deadname. They used to have no problem with it but now that it's a compromise they won't do it. I think it wouldn't be so bad if my dad didn't go out of his way to identify me as a woman constantly. Either by calling me his daughter or just flat out asserting it constantly. My mom will at least just call me her eldest. But despite all of the ways that I am constantly disrespected they love me and I love them. In most toxic relationships you can ease out eventually but it feels so much harder with family. I don't really know where this rant is going I'm just intensely sad right now, I know this is much less thought out than my usual posts but my brain is all over the place. I'm tired of people telling me my parents will come around because genuinely no one knows that for sure. And from what I know about my parents they won't and when one day I finally break off from them they'll blame me for it and expect an apology. My parents are so so deep in their faith that nothing is going to pull them from it. Not even me, which hurts as well but that's life I guess? Not being enough has always been my greatest fear and that's probably going to come true.
  8. knightcore

    How did you break your parents’ hearts?

    I dumped it all on my dad on the ride to school one day. I don't recommend that approach at all. It was emotional and explosive and reactionary on my part. If I could go back and do it again, I would write a letter like I did when I came out as transgender. The best way to break your parents' hearts is with distance for you both to process in my experience. That way they can't guilt you immediately while you're still vulnerable. It gives both of you time to think things through and not hurt each other more than necessary.
  9. knightcore

    Inappropriate Funeral Sermon

    @older I am so incredibly sorry, that is absolutely heartbreaking. I hope the service isn't terrible, I can't imagine trying to grieve a tragedy like that with fundy overtones everywhere.
  10. knightcore

    Inappropriate Funeral Sermon

    It's really disheartening to hear this is such a common thing. Thanks Fundies for finding a way to exploit literally everything I suppose! Doing the lord's work by making grieving people even more miserable
  11. knightcore

    Inappropriate Funeral Sermon

    I don't want to get too into it because it's personal and involves my second family (roommates family) but I was at a funeral on Tuesday for someone I cared for very much with them. We were all already tense because it was going to be very baptist and involve the church a lot but I was. Just absolutely seething. You shouldn't use someone's funeral as a platform to talk about hell and how if you don't have your affairs in order that's where you're headed. And you also shouldn't constantly spout evangelist shit. It's a funeral. Everyone is grieving and trying to celebrate the life of someone who touched all of them, if the sermon doesn't relate back to that there is literally no reason for you to give it. Save it for a Sunday. He also started the second part of his sermon talking about how she disagreed with him on whether or not we get our old bodies back in the resurrection (she thinks we don't) and then proceeded to talk about how he was right. Like that is so disrespectful to me. Anyways I'm still fucking livid. Has anyone else had an experience like this?
  12. knightcore

    LDS Church

    Well that's not very christian of you
  13. knightcore

    How weird were you when you were a Christian?

    I know this is from almost a month ago, but I wanted to share something. My best friend in high school came out to me as a lesbian when I was still veeery much a christian and I had a full blown panic attack about whether I could still be her friend or not. I told her a couple times over the course of our friendship that I thought she was going to hell and that it made me sad. It hurt her very deeply. Fast forward about eight years, we now live together and she is still one of my absolute dearest friends. We had to talk through things but she did eventually forgive me. We say a lot of things in our past that we learn later on were hurtful. I promise your gay friends have too, and I doubt they will disown you More on point with the OP, I was a full blown missionary and student leader. I used to prayer walk everywhere and I really mean everywhere. I think the most cringe worthy thing I did is convert one of my friends at a sleepover 💀
  14. knightcore

    confused and conflicted!

    I think it's a hard line to draw for yourself how you feel about prayer, but what I've come to believe is this. People are going to wish you well in different ways, be it prayer or good vibes or thoughts. They're all basically the same thing, that person thinking of you and wanting that best for you in that moment. I used to get panicky when people said they would pray for me, but now I just accept it as their good thoughts. Of course there's exceptions. My mom prays for me not to be gay, my dad prays for me to return to the church and tells everyone else to do the same. You don't have to accept that sort of thing. In christian terms its sorting the wheat from the chaff, the things that nourish you from the unnecessary. I do know though, how hard it is to not have a community anymore. I think a lot of people here do. I myself have the gay community now, but I still don't fit into that group as well as I fit into the church in my heyday of belief. But honestly there's a lot of rose colored memories with that. I think an important thing to remember is that even if it's years late you can still grieve something and sometimes you need to let yourself do that before you can accept those feelings and push them away. I really hope things get better for you, and that you don't feel quite as conflicted soon.
  15. Stopped believing before I quit church. I was still living with my family at the time and was afraid to voice my disbelief, but I finally broke down to my dad and later that week my mom who was upset with me for not talking to her about it. It was very tense at my house until I started to go to college, and whenever I'm home I'm still expected to go to church lest I come across as disrespectful. So about once or twice a year I go.