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knightcore last won the day on October 23 2017

knightcore had the most liked content!

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About knightcore

  • Rank
    Strong Minded
  • Birthday 02/24/1994

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Interests
    Drawing, Reading, Writing, Video Games
  • More About Me
    Pretty gay, pretty pagan, pretty open. I don't like to deal with gods anymore than necessary. If you ever need to let off some steam I always have an open ear!

    I'm a freelance artist and a beauty school attendee. I love anime/manga, KPop, graphic novels, video games, animation, young adult novels, and learning about new things.
    My top anime are probably Dragonball Z, Kamisama Kiss, Yowamushi Pedal, Pretear, and Ouran High School Host Club.
    My top video games are Legend of Zelda: Windwaker, Super Smash Brothers, OFF, and Persona 5.

Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    No, but they're still there.

Recent Profile Visitors

1,239 profile views
  1. Constant Inadequacy

    I know I don't post here very much anymore, but I'm kind of having a breakthrough that I'm sure many of you have had but it's really hitting me hard right now and I don't really have anywhere else I can talk about this. I posted right before Christmas that I've had a talk with my mom and she told me she would never accept me as her son because I'm her daughter etc etc etc I'll link that whole thread later if anyone wants. But I've felt for a long time that my parents love is kind of performative even though I know they do love me. But a lot of times it feels like they only love me out of Christian obligation. Like they need to show me they love me because it's what Christ would do and they might be able to bring me back to faith that way. But I've also realized that I've... literally never been more important to them than their faith. I struggle a lot already feeling like I'm not enough. I'm the oldest of four, and I get ignored a lot because I was up until last year the most low maintenance of my siblings. Everything I want to do is always put to the side in favor of the others, I'm asked to compromise, I'm asked to be the one to step up and that the hit etc. I was struggling today because my dad who has been promising for a year to come install some shelves for me and reiterated that promise around Christmas has put it of again in favor of doing things that he found more important. I only really get one day a week off from everything and I always plan it around him when he comes up and for him to cancel again on me was just... a lot today. It's not really the shelves, it's just that it is once again, a promise he hasn't kept. Like when he wouldn't come to my games, or put off something he promised me, or told me flat out something else was more pressing. I'm used to it by now but I guess I had hoped maybe he would keep his promise for once. I've been spiralling all day long and it just hit me that it's always been the case that things come before me and that maybe a lot of that inadequacy also has to do with being told by our church that I'm insignificant. That nothing is more important than faith or god, and that nothing I do has meaning if it's not for god. My parents have told me much of the same. This post rambles a lot, I'm sorry I'm very manic right now and I can't organize my thoughts. I guess the TL;DR is that I realized that I've been told my whole life I'm not important and today I realized a lot of that stems from my family's faith and beliefs.
  2. My Parents Still Love Me

    Ah I see this thread is still open. I know I don't post a lot anymore but I think this will be my final update on this situation for a while. I'm at my parents for Christmas and I had a very long discussion with my mom in the car on the way here about my... everything I guess. Bottom line that she reiterated the most is that she will never view me as her son and neither will my father, but they still love me. I really believe that and while I'm at a much more stable point than I was in March it still is very very painful. There was a lot more too the conversation but it was mostly excuses and explanations and I'm too tired to recount all of them. I love my parents very much and my gender identity is just something we will probably never see eye to eye on. I think I've finally reached the acceptance phase of this journey with them even though I've known the truth from the beginning. I'm sad of course, and hurt. But I understand and I'm going to work on moving forward with them. There's no point in cutting off from them at this time. I'm going to do my best to enjoy the season with them. I hope that everyone else also can find peace this season.
  3. I never thought I would be here

    Welcome!! I've gotta say that even though we had pretty different lives I did relate to a lot of your experience. When we stopped doing our house group because of a scandal that involved my family it was increasingly hard for me to keep up any pretense of religion. I think that is a pretty common theme. With regards to your kids, I know it must seem like a really tall order for right now. I'm not married, and I don't have kids, BUT I think I might be able to help still. Something that really helped me in my deconversion was my dad treating me as spiritually mature enough to read books and essays on faith, and to read them critically. He didn't mean for me to deconvert, but he did give me the chance to make my faith my own. That's what I think you can start doing slowly with your older kids, just gradually introduce them to things where they can start thinking on their own and more critically about things. Emphasizing to your kids that their faith is their own and they need to have a firm foundation is going to open up avenues for them to question and explore on their own. What I think is important at this stage though is not to force anything. You can state your views but open it up as a conversation. My dad and I never see eye to eye on religious issues and never have, but the times where I actually listened to him were when it was a dialogue. Whenever he stated something as a fact or something that needed to be absolutely respected even against my will is when I shied away. Bring up topics that aided your own deconversion and talk about them with your older kids. But ultimately, don't push your beliefs on them again. It's just a different side of the same coin. With your younger kids I think it'll be a little easier to just shift your teachings little by little. The youngest won't remember any of it, and the older ones most likely won't keep their indoctrination very long. Good luck, and keep us posted! I'm glad you're here and I look forward to hearing more about you and your family!!
  4. How to get to know a girl in 2017

    Some of you guys are real obsessed with the genitals of people you're never going to fuck :/
  5. My Parents Still Love Me

    Well this thread isn't locked yet so I'm just gonna post an update here. I've seen both of my parents in the past two weeks on separate occasions. Last Saturday I saw my mom and sister and things went relatively well all things said and done. I asked my mom if in November my sister could come stay with me, and in front of my sister she was in full agreement but when we were alone later she told me it probably was not going to happen. I understand why she didn't want to start anything in front of my sister (it was at her color guard competition so she didn't want to distract her), but it was still kind of a shit move. Saw my dad yesterday, he texted me in the morning letting me know he would be in town and I told him if he wanted to grab coffee on my break at work I'd be more than happy to. He wound up coming late evening and we got coffee and split a sushi roll. He was pretty even tempered the whole time but constantly referred to me by my full birthname instead of the nickname I have asked them to use. Which I will also note is one they were previously fine using and almost exclusively used for me anyways. He also kept calling me his daughter repeatedly and it was tiring. He's set up something where I can see my brother at the end of the month, and apparently my brother has really been struggling with my coming out and hasn't wanted much to do with me. Which I suspected but still hurt to hear. But I'm helping him do his Halloween makeup which will be a lot of fun. I think the worst part was my dad saying to me "See I'm not being the bad guy this time" and making it seem like I always put him in a bad light. I don't do that, I've made excuses for him my whole life but he's still an exceedingly controlling and sometimes emotionally abusive person and I felt so manipulated in hindsight when he did that because of course I had to tell him oh no you're not the bad guy we just have different views on things. To which he responded that he's just old fashioned (something he says every time he doesn't like something) and proceeded to launch into this allegory of me being in a lifeboat out at sea and my family being on the boat and how my tie to the boat is loose but he hasn't cut it yet. Something something lost sheep etc etc. He so firmly believes I'll come back to my senses and the church and stop my transition and it hurts but I think I always knew deep down that he won't change and I'm very tired of people telling me that he will.
  6. Goodbye Everybody

    Unfortunately I am still alive and the world did not end today.
  7. Goodbye Everybody

    as if things haven't been catastrophic already...
  8. Preference for Altars?

    You admitted yourself that you don't worship or pay tribute to them? Display isn't meant to mean that they're lesser than altars. I have several icons around the house that are just displays and they mean a lot to me. So much of faith is personal, and I believe altars are the same? Altars are really just a dedicated space to celebrate or beseech or meditate. If your displays are that to you, then I would consider them an altar but in the end it's up to you what you consider them, Personally I think you need to maintain an altar for it to continue to hold weight, but that's just from my personal experiences with faith. The bible no longer seems sacred to me, and neither do most churches. But to many people those are tools or places of worship because they intend them to be so. If an older altar inspires a sense of awe and worship in you, then it still holds weight. If not, it no longer bears significance to you. By this I also mean that my altars could just be displays to you, but you don't have to be worshipful to be respectful. It's why I still covered when I visited mosques, even though I personally did not believe in their god. I think I sort of answered your last question. I think everything with regards to worship, religion, and faith is subjective. My altar is not always going to be an altar to everyone, my mom sees it as a simple gathering of things when she visits me. But I know its importance to me and I hold that intent within myself.
  9. I can't, god made me this way just so I could go to hell and I can't defy his creation. I don't have a grip on my divine powers yet, it's too unsteady.
  10. It's true. Every time I daydream about a boy god smites another country.
  11. Preference for Altars?

    That's interesting, I repurpose stuff a lot too in that way ahaha. I can't burn incense in my house (roommates are allergic and I love them so I forgo it) but that's why I do the candles in a similar tribute.
  12. Preference for Altars?

    I think that the main difference between a display and an altar is intent personally. You could make anything an altar, but you would have to intend for it to be so. Also I'm aware! I was just curious about the practices on this website specifically
  13. Is The Fine Tuned Universe (Argument) Leaky..?

    I know you wanted to keep this really academic BAA but I just wanted to say those are really solid explanations. I have a really hard time wrapping my head around more scientific things and that actually made a whole lot of sense to me so thank you for that!
  14. Narcissism and Christianity

    Personally I think that abusers gravitate towards religion because it gives them a way out. They can always pray it away or they can hide behind the church which protects them.
  15. Telling the parents.

    I think overall it's really hard to get over the mental block that you owe your parents everything and that you don't deserve your own happiness. For me it was really amplified because I was constantly told I had a servant's heart and that was my spiritual gifting. I still really struggle with not constantly being "selfless" aka letting people do whatever they want at my expense. Even though I regret how I did it, I don't regret leaving the church when it was giving me a panic attack every week, and every time I saw our pastor I wanted to throw up. If you can, absolutely find a way to have a conversation with your parents but sometimes ripping the bandaid off is the only option.