Ex Christian Forum
My name is Danny and I’ve been reading your forum for some time now. I was never a Christian but was a believer in God for most of my life. In fact, I’m Jewish, and for a few years up until recently I was a practicing, orthodox Jew. Even though I was never a Christian, Christianity profoundly changed my life. You see, almost four years ago I met the the love of my life. My neighbor set us up. She knew my girlfriend from church, and knew me since we lived a few doors down from each other. Our first date was magical. Things flowed and we connected. We fell in love and I was the happiest I’d ever been. I thought finally I had found the one. I always dreamed of this relationship with this girl. Being 35 at the time, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get a chance at such a relationship. We couldn’t see each other enough. We could talk, and we could hold each other in silence for hours on end. It didn’t matter. We did everything together. I couldn’t love her more than I did. She became the center of my world.
I knew she was a devout, evangelical Christian from very early on. And she knew I wasn’t. I told her that I was a strong believer in God, and that seemed to be enough at the beginning. The night I told her this, we were on a date, and as we walked she reached out and held my hand for the first time. I’d never experienced this before in life. No girl had ever done such a thing to me. Everything felt so right. I told her I thought her faith was beautiful. I was open to changing my religious beliefs, as I’m an open minded person and really didn’t know anything about Judaism or Christianity at the time. I also realized quickly that I wanted to marry her, and in order to do so had to become a Christian like her. So my journey began. I dived into the Christian faith with all my heart. Together with her and on my own. We attended church together and prayed together, and I read countless books and articles about Christianity. I kept getting close to finding Christianity to be true, but would backslide with small doubts. As a Jew, I had this pull to hear why Jews over the millennia didn’t accept Christian beliefs. Were we missing something, I thought? Surely we were, as there were billions of Christians in the world. How could they all be wrong. How could my love be wrong? She had lived her entire life with Christianity at the center, loving Jesus in the deepest recesses of her existence. Needing him more than anything for all the reasons Christians do.
Over the course of our relationship, I continued my studies and devotion to prayer, asking God to make things click so I could marry the girl of my dreams, have kids, and live this amazing life we all dream of with our person. But the doubts swirled, becoming stronger and stronger. Was hell real? Was my non-Christian family all going to hell? My grandfather, a pediatrician who saved thousands of childrens’ lives during his life, was he in hell? Did I really need Jesus to die for my sins? Were the authors of the New Testament being honest in their writings? Did history support the Christian faith? Did the Hebrew Bible support the claims of Christianity when studied from the Jewish perspective?
During time alone, my feelings overwhelmed me as I knew things were unraveling. I had to drink to calm my nerves knowing that I was soon going to lose my girlfriend. I kept the relationship going for a time, hoping maybe she would examine her beliefs critically, but it wasn’t happening. Finally one day as we held each other on my couch, 8 months into our relationship, I broke down. I began to weep uncontrollably, telling her about the lies in the New Testament. There were so many. I don’t remember much more from that day, other than telling her I’d walk away with no questions asked, so she could find a Christian guy and be happy. That’s all I wanted was for her to be happy. She didn’t want that, she wanted me she said. She wanted to understand what I had learned. I thought there may be hope that she would see what I did, that Christianity wasn’t true.
We kept going another month, but we fought. We tore each other to pieces. She couldn’t doubt Jesus. It became Jesus or me. And eventually I told her it was over, that we had to end our relationship. I fell to my knees and sobbed. We both did, holding each other sobbing for hours. Leaving her that night felt like the Universe was imploding, and forever changed our lives. I’ve never been so crushed emotionally. In the wake of all this, I was angry. I left books at her door, such as “Why Jews Rejected Jesus” and others. I wrote her letters saying how much I despised Christianity and that she was living a lie. How the NT was full of hate towards me, a Jew, that it was responsible for so much hate, death and suffering over the last 2000 years. I had become unglued. I hurt her more than I can imagine. Who had I become?
I dived into Judaism, becoming an orthodox Jew. It gave me some respite from the inner turmoil I was experiencing, a drug that lessened the pain. I felt Judaism was the best antidote to Christianity. Jews could destroy the Christian faith and New Testament. I still believe this. I had to prove to the world that Christianity was false by living out Judaism. Maybe somehow that would bring her back. But it didn’t. She wasn’t coming back. She shut me out of her life completely. Blocking my texts and calls. I couldn’t see me when I looked in the mirror anymore. Who was this person, full of anger and rage? My innocence was gone, my kindness and gentleness gone. Only anger remained.
It’s been three years since the end of my relationship and a year since leaving orthodox Jewish practice. I needed to get back to being me. The person who loves people, smiles, loves adventure and the outdoors. The person who wants the most out of life and to make a positive difference for others, and who lives with joy. And a person who can love again, as I know how important it is to love and be loved. I decided to write this finally because the truth is, I’m still struggling. I’m still heartbroken that I lost her over a huge lie, the biggest in history. I miss my ex so much. I love her so much despite everything that happened. I know nothing is her fault. Everything the result of her upbringing that makes her who she is. I recently saw her unexpectedly, and it was hard. I told her I missed her and thought about her alot, and that I was so sorry. I cried.
I want to move on, I want to stop dwelling on everything, and move forward. It’s been hard to find people to talk to, since most of my friends are Christians or believers in God, or just have their own lives. The forum has provided me with some comfort, a knowledge that others understand. I needed to write this to someone in order to continue to heal, and let things out. I’m an atheist now, I don’t see any reason to believe any of it, especially with the suffering in the world. I like being a secularist, following evidence in search for truth and doing my best to reduce suffering in this world. I know it’s the right thing for the future. Any words of encouragement or ideas to get over my lost love would be great. I’ve dated some, but it hasn’t been the same. I’ll keep working at it. Thanks for taking the time to read this it has helped to get it all down on paper.