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SeaJay

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Everything posted by SeaJay

  1. I know you are right, it's just that, these 'what if...' scenarios can feel so, real. The encouragment helps though, and for that, thank you, thank you all - very much.
  2. Bit edgy this morning. I'm sat here doubting my doubting. What I mean is, I am worried I might still believe - even though I have no reason to do so. I don't mean - I believe once more - in the sense that, 'I have had more information so I believe again', it's a fear that my initial reasoning (when I said, "I realised at the start of my Christian journey, I did not truly believe"), might be flawed reasoning - and so in that case, I have never stopped believing. I'm worrying that, when I said back in July that I realised I never truly believed - what if I was just lying to myself? In other words, what if I am just sticking my fingers in my ears and shouting "It's no true - I am not listening - it's not true!" I can't go back to how it was before July, there is just no way, it'll be too much.
  3. Good video, thank you for the link. is there a reason there is a massive white space in your post? Between the date and time right down to your actual post. It’s huge.
  4. That’s interesting. I suppose I have always associated pain with death. That’s a good point. Speaking for myself, it’s the dying (losing control and knowing you are leaving behind loved ones) that scares me. Which is why I’m facing the subject head on. It isn’t easy though because, aside from meditating on dying, I’m not sure what I can do to beat it.
  5. That’s a good saying. I like it. Exactly my own fear. I couldn’t care less about actual, dead in the ground death. My fear stems from the actual process of dying/losing control/leaving this mortal realm/letting go. I do similar. I meditate on dying, from start to finish, possible pain, the terror, the nothingness, and even the trip to the mortuary, funeral parlour, funeral, and in the coffin. The lot. I know what you mean.
  6. Thank you all for the time you take to reply, it’s appreciated. It really is.
  7. I’m sorry to hear about your loss Science is my way out of this. I’m 100% certain. I think you are the 4th person to tell me that, and one of them was a psychologist of 20 years in the field.
  8. Hey thanks all for the replies and encouragement, I appreciate it. For the record, I have been diagnosed with GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), Social Anxiety, and ADHD. Recently my anxiety manifested as a form of OCD where I had to disinfect the house every morning (for six months). CBT therapy and coming to admit my unbelief has removed about 95% of the OCD. But what is interesting, is, about an hour ago, I started feeling quite anxious about a doctrinal teaching I thought I’d left behind. It is crazy because, I’ve had many other situations in the last couple of weeks of the same issue and they never affected me. Today though, it’s spiked my anxiety. Doesn’t make sense. It’s as if my anxiety is saying, “Ok I got to have something to worry about but I have nothing, so let’s go back and use something we’ve already overcome.” It sucks on times
  9. Ah sorry, I think I mixed up the threads. So, it could be biological; in my genes so to speak. In that case, if it wasn’t Christianity or death, my anxiety would just latch on to something else. A therapist has told me that in the past.
  10. Thanks for the encouragement. I tend to get my blood pressure checked when I go to the doctor, but haven’t for a good while due to the pandemic. I have borderline hypertension but the doctors don’t think I need medication just yet. It’s coming though, I have little doubt about that. Have to say, for my 53 years, I think am quite fit (at least to the point I’m usually surprised at what my body can do). I’m also willing to bet there are a few of my friends around my age who probably cannot do what I do. Not that that is much to go by
  11. Funny you should mention this because just this morning I was feeling anxious about the last couple of days but I said kind loving words to myself and it calmed me down. Saying things like, it’s ok, everything will be alright, there’s nothing to worry about, you are loved, and so on. I basically soothed myself and I don’t think I can remember ever doing that before. It worked. This may sound cheesy but it’s true. I became my own best friend. I reassured myself instead of having anyone else do it. I’m not sure if this is a known thing in psychology but it’s like, starting to love yourself after so much self criticism and self-dislike. Like learning to be self loving (but not in the narcissistic sense). It ties in with what you say above, because if I can be more compassionate towards myself, there will be less self criticism and other negative thoughts.
  12. I tend to agree. I say tend to because this is a new (well newish) way of thinking for me. I am probably going to be thinking like this lot more now. Similar to what Mark Twain said, we’ve been dead for a few billion years and it doesn’t seem to have upset us much at all.
  13. Maybe. But with all the therapists I have seen, none of them suggested I was depressed. Sure I get down from time to time, but I don’t think I have ever been depressed. I could be wrong but I’ve always viewed depression as an incredibly strong feeling of sadness. I think it has other aspects too, like despair, and feeling like there’s no point to anything anymore. I don’t think I have ever felt like that. Low mood yes, but nothing on that magnitude. But as I say, I could be wrong and welcome correction if that’s the case.
  14. Thank you for the reply. it’s interesting you should say my panic attack is probably linked to something more than Christianity. I think you’re right and I think I know what it is. I started a new thread that talks about my ultimate underlying source that fuels most of my anxiety:
  15. Because for most people the idea of dying/death is terrifying. Me included. Yesterday I had a panic attack; sweating, fingers tingling, rapid breathing, racing heart, and light headedness. Not to mention the panicking that made it all the more worse. Everything calmed down and I was fine. Then today. Just when I was getting back to a semblance of normality, I experienced a single sharp pain in my chest, just below my throat, and a second later, three or four mild palpitations. The sharp pain lasted about half a second and that was it. But it worried me. It worried me so much I did 40 press ups and jogged on the spot until my heart was beating like the clappers, and I had no adverse effects at all. Then, I did another 41 press ups and jogged again, heart going like the clappers again. No adverse effects at all. Later we took the dog out for a walk down the river, and I did some real jogging. Lungs pumping heart racing, and no adverse effects. Then, whilst walking, about 15 minutes later, I felt a slight, brief ache across the bottom of my chest (somewhere below the diaphragm). The ache lasted less than a second and was very mild (a non anxious person probably wouldn’t have noticed it). But that also worried me, so I went jogging again, lungs pumping, heart again going like the clappers, but no adverse effects at all. My thinking is, a person with a bad heart who is about to have a heart attack, would not be able to do what I did (it was quite intense) without keeling over or something happening (I really pushed it). Of course, I could died there and then, but I didn’t. And I think that’s why I go through the exercise routine, because deep down I am pretty sure I’m not having a heart attack, and I’m just clarifying what I believed to be the case. Anyway, I realised that the real cause of all my anxiety (or at least most of it) stems from my inability to accept death. I needed to confront it head on by thinking and even meditating on it (actually meditating on death - which I read on a book about Buddhism). SoI sat there and pictured me clutching my chest, dropping to the floor and dying. Not only that but I followed it through with a trip to the mortician’s, them slicing me open, and it was at that point I realised I wouldn’t feel or know thing about it. I was put in a coffin, and pictured my clothes and body rotting away, until I was nothing but a skeleton under the earth, which itself turned to dust. Yet I never felt a thing. That’s basically what this post is about. Facing death head on and realising it’s a natural part of life. Mark Twain sums it up pretty well for me: “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” I also realised that death doesn’t really scare me (you’re dead right? So you don’t even know your dead). It’s the ’dying’ that scares me, that is because of the feeling of not being in control. So I will learn to be at peace with not having control. I read in a book about Buddhism (again), that we have to realise we never ever had control to begin with. Also, leaving this world behind, all its beauty, the loved ones you have to let go, your dog, cat, wealth, whatever. And again, from a book on Buddhism, I read about that inability to give up things, stuff we cling to, it’s called ‘grasping’ (there’s a Pali ((I think it’s Pali)) word for it but I can’t remember it), and we can work on that too. It’s interesting that, before my fears about hellfire, I was in therapy and I realised my anxiety was coming from my fear of dying. I remember I was talking about stuff to the the therapist and at the end I said to him, “I guess I am just afraid of dying.” What he said has stayed with me for over 30 years, he said, “I’ve been waiting for you to say that for weeks.” Is it a coincidence that I am now back to being anxious about dying now that I have admitted Christianity probably isn’t true? I’m not so sure it is. I think it’s a natural return to how I was prior to all this worry about hellfire. Now that Christianity is fading for me, I can see what is really going on inside my mind. I’m just fed up with being scared and anxious all the time so I’m going to work on that fear of dying. Face it head on, look it in the eye and say, “do your worst - I’m not scared anymore.” Of course I will be anxious, but it will be a level of anxiety I am happy to accept. As a good friend once said to me (perhaps not word for word): “Courage isn’t a lack of fear, it’s being afraid but having the courage to continue to go through with whatever it is that’s scaring you.” Long post so I’ll finish with another quote from someone I can’t recall, “Stars had to die for you to be born.” I like that because ultimately it’s true. How will you face death when it comes? Have you a strategy in place?
  16. Thank you TABA. And I’m calm again. Just ate a nice healthy salad, and now I’m relaxing in bed. Yes, not having to worry about my wife walking in when I’m reading some secular book is great.
  17. Starting to feel a bit panicky again , though not as bad.
  18. I still absolutely believe it was the right decision. Spoke to the doctor, they said it sounded like a panic attack. Offered to check me over, said I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, so asked her what she thought, and she said she didn’t think it was necessary. She gave me more diazepam and also prescribed beta blockers. Also, I told my wife I no longer believed and she was absolutely fine with it. No problem at all. That’s great because now I can read my secular books and not fear getting caught. Not that she would have said anything. I guess if you asked her if she was a Christian she’d say yes, but she never goes to church, don’t think I’ve ever seen her pray, or ever read the Bible. No doubt I was worrying over nothing. What me worry?
  19. Bit better, yes. My breathing has returned to normal, well, pretty much. Had to take that diazepam though. I think it was a panic attack because even now, when I’m slowly settling down, I’m getting little bouts of panic now and again. It just arises seemingly from nowhere. Nothing like it was though.
  20. Guys I don’t know what is happening to me. I’m a bit scared. I have rapid breathing, tingly hands, I am light headed with tunnel vision. My breathing is all over the place even when I was meditating. No tightness or pain in chest and I just did 40 press ups to see if there were any adverse effects and there were none. Just had to take a diazepam. Think I am starting to calm down. Panic attack? Not sure. Felt different but, I was definitely scared. No pain or anything just like, hyperventilating. Not had it before. Oh boy oh boy. Not nice at all. i just hope it’s my body reacting (to me admitting Christianity probably is not true), after all it was a big decision for me. Huge because of my anxiety. Think I’m calming A bit after the diazepam. Phoning the doctor for some advice (and hopefully more diazepam).
  21. Absolutely right! I have to wholeheartedly agree with this. I tell you, just being here, seeing how you all think is real eye opener! And I mean in a good way. Thank you. Whilst I’m here, this morning, right before I woke up, I had a thought pass through my mind and it was “To them that have recovered, those I will call sons of Levi.” I’ll be honest, it really shook me up, because I thought it might be a sign. What did I think it meant? Something along the lines of, “To them that endure suffering and come out the other end, those I will call my sons.” Or something like that. Then I thought, well, it was definitely a dream (because it actually woke me up) and not something abnormal. Also, “recovered”? That doesn’t really make sense because having a non belief isn’t like, an illness, it isn’t a sickness you can recover from, it’s just a state of mind. Finally, if a supreme creator wanted to communicate something to me, I’m absolutely certain they could do so in a manner that would leave me in no doubt whatsoever. Still shook me up though. That’s an example of the kind of thing I struggle with almost every day.
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