Riversong

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Riversong last won the day on May 3 2017

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About Riversong

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    Doubter

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  • Interests
    Reading, baking, hiking
  • More About Me
    Mother of 2. Recent exC

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Nope

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  1. Riversong

    It's been a year-

    Yes!!!! I always thought I was one prayer or one spiritual book away from crucifying myself enough to let Jesus just shine through me. Blech! So much more positive change happened in my life as a result of science and not viewing myself as an unworthy sinner. All that self-loathing and constant prayer only kept me blind to what was happening in my life- like depression, culty in-laws, and marriage in need of a re-set. Woo! To evil!
  2. Riversong

    It's been a year-

    Thank-you! It feels extra good because I always felt there was something wrong with me. I was putting so much effort into life and not getting anywhere. It's as if I was a tumble down house that I worked really hard at replacing and shining up the windows. I didn't know I was depressed- I just thought I was an ungrateful and sucky christian. Anyways, now that I've worked out some of the underlying issues, I can really see the effort paying off!
  3. Riversong

    It's been a year-

    Thanks, all! I feel like I'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin and more confident in trusting my own intuition. It's just really nice to feel like life is stabilizing!
  4. Riversong

    It's been a year-

    It's been a year since I looked in the mirror and said, "I'm not a Christian anymore." It's been bumpy as hell but I've been slowly doing better and better. Top things that helped: therapy antidepressants journalling time books- I'm a huge reader Issues I've worked through: codependency, depression, boundaries, emotional regulation, power dynamics in relationships, ptsd, OCD/scrupulosity other things I noticed: how much pressure I felt to save the world(combined with the feeling that I was completely ineffective and sinful) how shame and guilt are my go-to emotional responses Where I am today: I notice so much more energy. I'm not just surviving, I'm organizing, gardening, etc. it feels fantastic. Our family is doing so much better. My husband still goes to church with our son but he respects my lack of interest and belief. Kids are doing great and I'm no longer consumed by worrying that I was messing them up forever with my depression and our train wreck of a year. Also, so much more emotional energy and awareness of myself. It's been a huge change to think about myself instead of what God or my husband needs from me. (Dismantle the patriarchy!!) It's relaxing to be able to admire a sunset for its beauty without feeling the need to thank god for it. Etc I've sporadically checked in here over the last year. At times, I noticed that reading so much about others religious trauma was just way too much to handle. I'm hoping to be on here a little bit more frequently. :-)
  5. Riversong

    A Destiny to Defeat Destiny

    Welcome! Thanks for sharing!! I haven't been on this site for a while- it was great to log back in and read this. A lot of what you wrote resonates with me. We got kicked out of my husband's family last year- his dad sounds similar to yours. Ive also noticed how good t feels to notice my accomplishments and think- "whoa!" Early on, I realized how I attributed all my successes to god. All the failures, of course, were from a lack of faith. I appreciated you sharing that mantra. I've said something similar to myself and then kind of wondered about it. I like thinking about it as if I'm talking to my past, traumatized child self.
  6. Thanks for sharing! I've felt a similar sense of joy the further I move from church. A big thing I realized is how outwardly focused Christians are- always praying that god gives us the strength to do xyz. It's been nice to get in touch with myself and find that I've always had that strength within me.
  7. Riversong

    Trying to Make Sense of it All

    Best of luck and thank- you for your service!
  8. Riversong

    Living without absolution

    It might be worth checking out this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling something that stuck out to me in your post is that you know it's "normal" for people to do something like what your partner does. I've realized that people who define what is normal for you are often trying to control/define your sense of normal and make you feel crazy. And since you may be the one with problems and you know your partner to be loving, it follows that you are the crazy one. Except- no!! I was in a controlling relationship and now I am not. If that article gets you thinking, the next book to follow up with is "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. Excellent book that gives insight into controlling men. And sorry if that doesn't ring true on any level!! I understand the repressed feelings as well. My therapist gave me the book "Codependent No More" which has been a big help. I am getting better insight into what I am responsible for and what others are responsible for. On anger- other people can be angry and it doesn't mean I've done something wrong. I am not responsible for "fixing" other people's emotions. Just because others make me feel that I ought to be ashamed/feel guilty doesn't mean I have to be. My habit of picking on my self/self-torture is not my fault but I am responsible to learn to stop. And also that it's ok and normal to have a huge range of feelings. I think the key to not getting stuck is observing the feelings and letting them pass without beating yourself up about them. Also, it sounds like you may be depressed. I struggle with depression myself and an antidepressant has been a huge help!!! Along with self-care. It sounds like you are really trying to gain insight into what's going on. I wish you the best! Again, sorry if anything I wrote ends up being way off base. It's just what occurred to me based on my own experience. Take care-
  9. Riversong

    My Father was a Child Molester

    Shinobi- what a horrible story. I'm glad that you and your sister have been able to start the healing process. I think that I would never be able to attend church again simply because Christianity makes its followers either victims or unwitting accomplices to abusers. The respect for the higher levels coupled with all the forgiveness talk creates a safe haven for abusers. And Christians are simply unwilling to educate themselves on abuse prevention or healing. I think because it's seen as secular knowledge. And god and prayer and forgiveness solves everything. Church unity and keeping up appearances is paramount. Ridiculous because those outside the church see how things are swept under the rug. Inside the church, though, they think about how it would ruin reputations and people won't want to come to church. Nope- people don't want to come to your church because you are a bunch of dishonest, hypocritical fucks. How it all played out in your family's situation doesn't surprise me at all. I was molested as a child at a home group bible study. Luckily I don't retain much of the memory and I told my parents immediately. But, they didn't press charges because they didn't want to put me through that. And they had this teen write apology letters to us. Which was super lame- about how sorry he was and how he tries so hard but the devil keeps making him slip up. And the letter my mom wrote back was filled with, we are trying to forgive you and know you have repented... anyways, all that to say how it is so very believable that your church and family didn't handle it perfectly at the time. And that the Christian programming is just awful in that regard. (Honestly, I am glad to hear your mom did divorce immediately and move out. I've heard terrible stories of the mom not being able to do that because of the controlling dynamics in the family). best wishes for the future and for the healing process. I'm sure that your sister is thankful to have you. You understand some of what she has one through and you are obviously supportive of her.
  10. Riversong

    How did you let go of bitterness?

    My therapist loves Dr Dan Siegel- especially his book, "Mindsight." His website has some info and free resources. Combines mindfulness and neurobiology. And how understanding what's going on can help you rewire.
  11. Riversong

    Didn't realize how hard this would be...

    I have a similar type of personality. Some things that have helped me: therapist meditation journalling- observing your thoughts and feelings without judgement book recommended by therapist- "codependent no more". Similar to the comment above. I found it interesting and hit way closer to home than I expected. I expend a lot of energy regulating the people around me to the expense of myself. Thought process ends up chaotic and I can't even pin down what I actually want/need. Time self-care finding out more about my personality- hsp and Myers Briggs type. i just started the book "the power of myth" and find it fascinating. You can check out Joseph Campbell and see if that might be of interest. Good luck!
  12. Riversong

    The passion feelings

    Hello fellow HSP's! I also come in as an INFP on Myers Briggs, so there's a lot of empathy going on, lol. DB- glad you posted about this! I've been carefully avoiding christiantalk like snake oil lately, so I haven't had the emotional feelings come back yet. Actuallly, I take that back. I was organizing the attic and moved the Christmas stuff and realized what a big loss religion really can be. All those fuzzy Christmas feelings and nativity scenes and sweet baby jesus.... your above post resonated as well as well about the unanswered prayers and memories of a god who is supposed to be your best friend but is also an enemy. Mind-bending!
  13. Riversong

    Finally Free

    Welcome! I understand the feeling of drawing away from people who have a simpler outlook with all the answers. Sounds like you are doing well and good luck on the journey!
  14. Interesting thread! A favorite Dostoevsky quotation of mine is, "How can you have lived and not have a story to tell?" I tend to agree with Faithfulless that re examining the past can be overdone. I am seeing a therapist right now and it has been extremely helpful. She explained it as a decoding process to help show how your brain interprets things. The point being that if you figure out some of your blind spots, you can account for them(vs being unaware of them and then crashing w/o warning). That all being said, I think we've all encountered people who use their past or some kind of paychobabble as a convenient excuse. I also think there's a point where we can over examine our lives to the point that we get trapped and aren't able to enjoy the present. I think it all comes down to balance.
  15. Riversong

    I am Jess, Hear Me Roar :)

    Hi! I'm a newcomer myself. This has been a great place to see how we all have this common experience of deconversion and how it is still a unique journey for each person. Mine was a slow burn throughout several(ok, many) difficult years. This past year was the final firecracker that blew it all apart. For me, it was a huge relief to lose my faith. However, I think many experience it the opposite way where the huge landmine comes first and the difficult years come after. All that to say, there is no one "right" experience. Take it one day at a time. I like the bakery idea! Sometimes ideas need to sit on the back burner of our minds for a while before everything falls into place. Take your time and good luck!!!