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mich

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Everything posted by mich

  1. mich

    Divorce

    Oh, No. Absolutely not. He is drenched in it. Many generations of his family. He won't even consider that it might be wrong! Oh, I see what I said in a previous post about him deprogramming. I just meant he has always believed that the man is in charge, and though HE hasn't deconverted, I have, so he will have to work with me as I will not walk under him anymore. Beside, maybe, we'll see. But not under.
  2. yes, I had to twist a LOT of things in my son's and my life story, just to try to make god look good.....
  3. I am learning to. I have definitely been at suicide's door several.times.over.the last few years, even b4 my deconversion. My son's story was just so very horrible, i felt as if god had forsaken us. And i was trying to do everything so perfectly, trusting and pleasing god. I had to just twist all the ugly details into something 'pretty' like 'god knows best', or 'His plan is perfect' or 'All things happen for good to them that love the lord' etc. And then when i deconverted and had a new set of thinking skills, reality hit me in the face of what really happened. I trusted in an imaginary safety net! A living nightmare to say the least. But i try to tell myself that we were all victims in this evil game called religion. I was told that god loves my children even more than me! Anyway, i do try to take care of myself. There are things that i have to do to keep my anxiety at bay...exercise, eating well, breathing. I have realized that i have to happen to life, rather than just letting life happen to me.
  4. Sorry for the delay~~ It is a very long story. (so long, I am writing a book). In a nutshell...I remarried after 9 years of widowhood. My son was 12. At 15, he became very sick with a rare seizure disorder. We did take him to the hospital ( which was actually taught against at church!). Traditional med could not help him and wanted to do a hemispherectomy. I opted for alternate treatment, as I didn't want half his brain removed. He was getting better, and better. In the meantime...he and his stepfather didn't click very well. One evening when he was 17, his stepfather spanked him (not very hard at all). But it got turned into a mountain, and he was taken from my home and ended up living with my mom and stepdad. Well, they took over his medical decisions ( they didn't like the ones that I had been making.) So he ended up having a hemispherectomy at age 18. He nearly died then. Meanwhile, I am praying for god to work all this out. At first, my mom instinct kicked in and TOLD me that one day I would need to know that I did EVERYTHING within my power to get my son back. At first everything I tried just backfired. No progress whatsoever. Just more damage. And then the 'conditioning' from church took over my mind. Turn it over to god. When you turn something over to god, leave it there. He doesn't need your help. And, as it seemed, everything I tried at the time turned out rotten, I thought god wanted me to let him take care of it. So I prayed. My husband moved me 500 miles away. I was subjective. I prayed. I waited. Patience is a virtue, they said. I prayed and waited. Keep peace, they said. I prayed and waited. And in 2011, at the age of 25, my son passed away, in the midst of a huge family crisis...So, I trusted in an imaginary safety net. (I became aware of this in 2017, it nearly killed me). I can see so much that could have been done over the years....but I was just praying and trusting and waiting. My son could have lived with the right treatment. He was getting better. But my hands were tied, others were making the decicions, and I thought god had it all under control and was working it all out....How stupid is that? And people can't see the dangers of religion......
  5. mich

    Divorce

    Better, thx. Sorry for the long delay. I have a hard time getting through the holidays. Things are currently ok. He is working with me, not standing in my way of doing what I feel like I need to do, learning to walk beside me as opposed to being over me. Maybe he just needs some deprogramming time.
  6. Yeah, and that part about forgiveness....some things are unforgivable.
  7. mich

    Divorce

    Thank you, i would love to be able to contact her. I'll have to check out her book. My hub is not physically abusive, but brainwashed into certain ways of thinking. He can't seem to understand my dire situation. He just looks at me like i am crazy when we do have serious talks...and i guess i look at him the same way....
  8. mich

    Divorce

    I have a couple of old friends that i dug up from the past that i talk to occassionally, it helps but i was out of the real world for 30 years so it is hard
  9. There are so very many... But smoke coming out of his nostrils (god)and fire coming out of his mouth and horns coming out of his hand...whoa! And then of, of course, the verse that tells us who created evil.. 2 samuel 22:9 Habakkuk 3:4 Isaiah 45:7
  10. And, ironically...god is not the AUTHOR of confusion....so how did he AUTHOR a confusing book?
  11. The stupidest and most dangerous thing that i did was to trust in prayer. Turn it over to god, they said. He won't let you down, they said. He doesn't need your help! they said...And now my son is dead.
  12. mich

    Divorce

    One of my problems, that i am slowly working through, is caring what everone else thinks, not wanting to hurt him, and the children, and not wanting people to think bad of me...but it's really too late for that...i lost my previous friends and family due to my behavior based on the beliefs, and when i left the church a year ago (after 30 years), i lost that community.....
  13. mich

    Divorce

    Thanks. I didn't consider that option. Yes, he keeps very close tabs on the money, and unfortunately my whereabouts.
  14. mich

    Divorce

    I want to be out from under this roof when he finds out that i want a divorce. But, someone had told me that i couldn't leave first or that would be counted as abandonment on my part and go against me in the divorce. I have my 2 youngest children 12 and 15 who i would want to take with me. I want to make it as smooth as possible for their sakes. I would ultimately be going to my home state, 500 miles away. I do plan on getting a lawyer, just wasn't sure what to expect. I guess hearing anyone else's divorce stories might help.
  15. mich

    Divorce

    Funny, the bible belt is actually home, where i am trying ro get back to...not because it's the bible belt though, lol. Can you actually divorce in a different state than where you live?
  16. mich

    Divorce

    Can anyone give any divorce advice? We are completely incompatible. This isn't an overnight decision. Much time and effort has gone into the process. I cannot be happy with him making major decisions for me for the rest of my life (woman subjugation, he is still very religious). I cannot ever be happy with him over me. And he will never be happy with anything but being over me. I am not talking piddly stuff. He took over my finances, and that of my children (i was a widow with settlement income due to the death of my first). I have to get permission (or not) to get to use my own money. He moved me hundreds of miles away from family and friends , and children (teens at the time, one handicapped, now deceased) 15 years ago. Such a long story. I don't even know where to begin this process. But i've got to get out. It drives me to suicidal tendancies, extreme anxiety to where i can hardly function...feel free to pm me if you have any advice.
  17. I was just pondering the other day about sheperds and sheep... shepherds have a hidden agenda.. it's not really love..they want what they can get out of them..their wool, their meat...
  18. Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division...~jesus For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law...~jesus So every quarrel or unpeaceful event , we can blame on jesus... according to the bible.. And of course god takes the credit for all the evil and darkness .. Isaiah 45:7
  19. Yes! It is odd that we went out to church all those years and heard only 1% of what is in the book... considering one verse says that "all scripture is profitable for doctrine"...
  20. I've studied it all my adult life..so for the last 30 years, mostly the last 2. That's why I am here... It only took finding 2 contradictions to convince me that a good god didn't write that book....woah..what a journey since then it has been. I kept studying it. I couldn't stop..I was curious how many MORE contradictions there were. I found hundreds. HUNDREDS of blatant contradictions. I am still finding them. After a while I began to notice the questionable behavior of god, and began to wonder just how many things the bible calls evil, sinful, and wicked...is the god of the bible guilty of... There are literally HUNDREDS of verses that have god doing the very evil things that it tells us not to do...and satan doing none. Not one verse. We are supposed to know them by their fruit. I have not found ANY verses of Saran doing ONE thing the bible calls evil. He is accused several times, but no actual deeds. But god...creates evil, devises evil, brings forth evil, speaks evil, sends forth evil spirits, has evil thoughts, threatens to spread poo in his people's faces, threatens to make them eat their babies etc etc etc there is no way that a good God commits 99% of the evil in his own book. I find it scary to be around people that know these verses are in there, but uphold the book anyway....
  21. It would be nice to have to nonchristian friends on FB...anyone?
  22. Yes, I had to do something similar...look at it like a learning experience, why do people believe this way? How does the brain work? etc...
  23. Just signing on after a long absence... Umm, It's definitely not easy...I haven't gone since the middle of December. There were several weeks there at the beginning that wasn't noticable due to holidays, wintry weather, and an out of town funeral. But after that came the hard part. When my husband and children headed off to church and I stayed home. 2 of them frequently ask if I am going to church, and I just say, no, and am very vague. I've actually told one not to ask me anymore. I am not ready for them to know that I am never going back. I have specific reasons at this point in time for not doing that. I do want them to know the truth. This is a very challenging position to be in. I am very aware of how they are indoctrinated, so that's not an issue. I just try to teach them to THINK. That is where I failed. Not thinking for myself, but believing what others told me. I looked up the characteristics of a cult and was amazed to see that my 'ex' religion matches nearly all of them. So scary how it all works. How we can be so deceived. Perhaps i'm not much help for your situation. It's just not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to make myself do. So, I'm not attending church, but no one has lost all 'hope' for me quite yet...
  24. yes, a husband, 3 sons, and a daughter. My husband and daughter are 'members of the church', 'have the holy ghost' , and another daughter married with kids of her own. She was well indoctrinated too. It won't be long before she 'knows the truth' but i'd rather go slowly, as this is SO major. Quitting church is 'giving up the holy ghost', eternally damned, etc. It will take some time for her to process, it did me. Our religion was a way of life, and now mom won't be part of it. I expect it to be devastating for my daughters. 2 of my sons already know. LOL...yes i will tell here the truth...one day... I agree both , yes, mostly friends, i think, but now she is IN. She claimed the holy ghost back in the spring, right after my 'mental' deconversion... I was still trying to process everything. LOL, i won't be going back, so this weekend will start the people questioning... Our church friends are like family, and many literally ARE FAMILY. My fil is the preacher.... sounds like a better plan, good for you~ that time has come..dealing with the inevitable is the next step. can sooooo relate... Thanks everyone for your replies. It is good to know I am not truly alone in this. Though I wouldn't wish it on anyone...
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