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About LostinParis

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  • Birthday 12/29/1972

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    Travelling, gardening, swimming, sewing, cooking
  • More About Me
    Heathen. Former Catholic. Unequally yoked. Potty-mouth.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    hell no

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  1. Because they didn’t have enough faith. Or because they had selfish motives for praying. Or because their prayers are not consistant with his divine plan, etc.
  2. That’s heartening to hear. Have her beliefs shifted at all in the last 7 years?
  3. You’re right, perhaps I just need more patience. His beliefs have in fact shifted considerably since my deconversion 2 years ago. He no longer believes in a literal Adam and Eve. He now believes in evolution. Hurrah! On the flip side he now has this kind of flexible, impenetrable belief that allows him to ignore the contradictions, eg. “There are many paths to god”, meaning that all religions may be worshipping the same god.
  4. Wow I really need to read this book.
  5. You guessed it, my husband was raised in a very patriarchal household and he carries some residual patriarchal attitudes on a subconscious level. Our daughters are strong, independent thinkers. He admires and encourages that in every situation except church. They must stay silent and comply with the rules and dress feminine. I loathe conflict and in the past have kept the peace by complying with his wishes, especially with regards to how we raise our children. I paid a high price; I became depressed. Since my own deconversion a couple of years ago I have been standing up to him more often. It feels wonderful to find my voice again, after all these years. My husband and I had a calm discussion today about his warnings about hell. I spoke about how much his words hurt me and he apologised. Our 16yo son recently announced he is atheist. He has Aspergers and a very rational, unemotional way of thinking, Similar to Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. No doubt our son’s views were the catalyst for his recent preaching about hell. I calmly asked my husband today how he could possibly be blissfully happy in heaven with the knowledge that his wife and son are suffering in hell for eternity. He was lost for words. I’m hoping he will think about this paradox. If heaven exists then there can be no hell.
  6. Thanks @MOHO Fingers crossed that this phase only lasts a couple of months like Mrs Moho. 🤞 There is no abuse, the hell comment is by far the worst thing he has said. Can yelling be considered emotional abuse? Marriage is hard ☹️
  7. Bingo. He has a polarized view of the world, eg. good vs evil, saved vs unsaved, you are either with us or against us. How exactly do you think religion and repressing/denial of problems are connected? This is a fascinating concept.
  8. Writing a letter is a great idea. When I try to discuss any topic involving religion it inevitably ends up in a yelling match. If I question him about his religion he views it as a personal attack. I will focus on discussing my feelings only.
  9. Wow I’m impressed by your strength. My husband has declared that he will NOT see a secular therapist. One time I dragged him along to a secular marriage councellor but he kept his mouth shut and denied everything. He says he felt ambushed. 🙄
  10. Good advice, thank-you. I have thought about this endlessly, all the possible consequences of leaving the marriage. It will be ugly. Apart from the religious bullshit, ours is a good marriage. Too good to leave, too bad to stay...
  11. If I were to give him an ultimatum then he would most definitely choose his belief.
  12. I hadn’t considered this, thank-you. You have given me hope where I could find none. Were you ever too afraid to question your religion? How did you ignore the fear?
  13. Yep he is a fundy, more so in recent years as the kids have become older and began forming opinions of their own. I doubt he thinks I actually deserve hell, but he is far too scared to question the doctrine. He thinks Satan is manipulating me.
  14. I feel like this is a deal-breaker for me. How can I continue to stay married to someone who thinks I am deserving of hell? Has anyone else found themselves in this same position? We have three kids and he is terrified that they will end up in hell too. hellp
  15. @Myrkhoos I’m sorry that you are going through this. Hang in there, it does get easier. I agree, god can become like a surrogate parent. A narcissistic parent who gets all of the credit and none of the blame. The demands for perfection keep us feeling inadequate and unworthy. God has set the bar just a little out of reach, we never feel good enough. We are trained to rely on god because we are so flawed and so helpless without him. It’s great that you are seeking help for your mental illness outside the church. There are psychologists who specialise in Religious Trauma Syndrome. Marlene Winell is often mentioned here. “Not as advertised?” You just didn’t read the fine print! The clauses that make your “insurance policy” void. God will answer your prayers. Except when it’s not part of his plan. Or because he is testing your faith. God will protect you. Except when he wants you to suffer in order to teach you a lesson. Or because you don’t have enough faith. And you likely signed this contract when you were too young to understand it. I not surprised that you consider yourself prudish. The orthodox church is preoccupied with sex; who you do it with, when you do it, how you do it, if you're allowed to do it at all. So many paranoid rules around sex. A trans-female within my husband’s orthodox family has forced me to examine my own biases and prejudices. Perhaps there is no one-size-fits-all moral code. Thoughts and behaviours that harm nobody are probably ok. You said that you are clinging to your beliefs because they are the only thing you have. Is your entire identity and happiness dependant on believing Christianity is true? Does the fact that it gives you comfort outweigh the need for your belief to be true? Most of us ex-christians here have found ways to give our lives meaning and purpose without faith, through actions such as helping to alleviate the suffering of others, bringing children into this world, or small acts of kindness. Everything I treasured as a Christian I can still do so without christianity. I can still appreciate the beauty of nature, I can still feel love and gratitude for family and friends. Myself, 18 months after leaving the church, I have reached the point of no return. I can no longer suppress my critical thinking. I cannot switch off my brain in order to have bliss. The price is too high. The mental gymnastics and cognitive dissonance required to believe are not psychologically healthy for me. There is no certainty, and I am now ok with that. I don’t have all the answers and I’m ok with that. In fact, the words “I don’t know” can be incredibly liberating. Walk out into the sunshine, see reality as it truly is. You are free to explore anything without worrying if god will approve.