I was raised sort of Catholic. You know, going to church on occasion, and Sunday school as a kid. I was abused by several people as a child and teenager. I have also endured A LOT lot of rejection from family and other people throughout my life.
I got I married kind of young and became a Christian for 18 years with that marriage. My ex-husband abused me the whole marriage. My ex and his family kind of "perverted" the Christian faith for me by their actions (abuse, pornography, drugs etc). Other people in various churches, also helped to change my mind about being a Christian.
From October 2009-September 2016 I left Christianity and got heavily involved in the new age / hippie / occult lifestyle. I also tried a wee bit of witchy stuff. I felt very free and life made more sense for a while. That is until I got hurt by that lifestyle and the people in it. One person in particular was my narcissistic, sociopath ex-boyfriend who practiced black magic. I even had something scary happen after dabbling in what I thought was white magic.
In October 2016 I felt nudges to try Christianity again. For example, I kept seeing ads for Christian movies, I felt an urge to try a Christian dating site, and I looked for Christian meet-ups to find "safe" friends. For a while, Christianity and it's teachings of the devil made sense to me. It helped explain my abuse, rejections, and suffering. It helped explain my bad time with certain new age friends, and also the scary witch craft incident. I started to believe the devil / demons were responsible for the crap I went through in my occult life. So I stripped myself of everything tied to new age/ occult / witch craft. So many books, CD's, DVD's, decorations, etc. have ended up in the trash this past year. For a while I actually felt "cleaner" and safer.
I've tried 7 different churches this past year, and I feel let down all over again. They are all full of hypocrisy, false teaching (according to what the bible says), and other uncomfortable things. The more I sit in church the more angry I become. The more I hear the "words of God" the more pissed off I get. I have recently began to question Christianity and religion yet, I am full of fear and guilt for doing so.
Sooooooo, now I am totally confused. Christianity makes me angry. Religion makes me angry. It all feels wrong. But so does the new age / occult life. Tired of the fear and guilt I feel for wanting to leave Christianity. Tired of being confused by what I feel inside and not having a path to go down outside of Christianity. For example. I feel strongly there is a higher power and supernatural forces. Yet I feel Christianity is the wrong path. I am very empathic. I have dreams that come true. I sometimes see things before they happen. I "feel" when the "air out there" is crazy. Yet I feel like new age / occult / witch craft are wrong too.
Now what? Where do I go from here? I tired of it all.