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About Faeryn

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  • Birthday 03/29/1987

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    Rock music, skateboarding, reading, art
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    Recovering from child Christian indoctrination from when I was at a private Christian school. Currently in therapy in part for the psychology issues it caused in me and seeking help!

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?

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  1. Just curious about what the most difficult part of deconversion is for everyone, and what you've been doing to recover from that? The hardest part for me has been trying to erase Christian ideas of shame and guilt - the sense that I'm constantly doing something bad, even though I'm not. Intermingled with this is shame about my sexuality. I'm still new to recovering from my Christian past so I'm trying to work this out in psychotherapy.
  2. I really feel this way too. I have a memory dating back from when I was around 14 at School. I loved nature a lot and was a very outdoorsy child, so in art class I drew a big picture of a meadow, with flowers, and a tree in the shape of a woman. I was so proud of it because I thought it was pretty, showed my skills well, and represented my love of nature. But.. I called the tree "mother nature". Obviously, BIG MISTAKE, even though it wasn't my intention to hurt god, or be a heathen or anything. My School was a private Christian School, and my teacher was NOT impressed with this drawing at all. I was told that my drawing was against Christianity. I felt hurt. It wasn't the worst thing to have happened in relation to Christian School ways by any means of course, but it sure as hell made me feel like shit for something I would likely have been praised for just because it was a cute drawing done well for a kid of my age. I also had this sense as a Christian that just kinda... "Why are you wasting time loving nature when you could be, (and rightfully SHOULD be) loving OUR LAWD GOD, THE CREATOR OF THE NATURE?" Lol, it was like.. if you want to appreciate ANYTHING, appreciate it because god created it, otherwise you are "worshipping false idols" and putting something above god, or something.. Like how dare you spend any time appreciating anything except god. This strand of religion sucked the life, wonder, curiosity and passion out of everything for me.
  3. Hi all, Bit apprehensive about this, but eh, I need to start somewhere. I'm in psychotherapy and going though my (attempt at the...) deconversion process. It isn't going well so far, but to be fair I'm only just realizing the sheer extent of how Christianity messed with my development as a child-teen, so I guess it could be worse: I could not be in therapy at all, and I could still be a Christian, but I'm not. Although, I feel as though I've had Christian views and morals barcoded into my psyche, and it's like I can't get them out no matter how much I intellectually know otherwise. These "views" and "morals" have significantly impacted me, my relationships, and my life for the worse. One of the biggest things I remember being taught as a child - "If you even think of something sinful, in god's eyes, that is JUST AS punishable with Hell as if you actually carried that action out in real life". As a result, I near-obsessively repented as a teenager, for experiencing "impure thoughts", and come to the realization that I am bisexual. I experienced maddening shame, fear, humiliation and loss of love from my mother alone because of it. I felt that my own family hated me, and that I couldn't even have love from god because of how sinful I was. I also started to believe that if my boyfriend so much as LOOKED at a woman and found her attractive, not only has he cheated on me just the same as if he had sex with her in real life, (if god himself thinks he has cheated, why should I believe any differently?), but that he displeased god. I'm 30 now, and I STILL experience severe jealousy if I even suspect that my boyfriend finds another woman attractive. Fortunately, I'm completely aware of how messed up this is, and how unrealistic and unhealthy it is, so I've just been fighting this issue for over a decade. For some reason it's taken me so long to even realize that Christianity is not only to blame for this, but for an enormous amount of my psychological issues. If you're taught that you're going to a place called hell for eternity because you looked at someone and thought they were attractive, how is that not going to affect a developing person? I'm uncomfortable with my own sexuality, and I'm uncomfortable with the sexuality of my partner. I don't want to be. I KNOW what's natural and what isn't. I know there's nothing wrong with being bisexual, straight, or whatever, but there's it's like there is just NO shifting this nonsense from my mind.
  4. Faeryn

    Sh** christians have said to you

    I was at my dad's uncles funeral service. A Christian comes up to me and asks me if I'm a Christian. I respond, "No. I'm an atheist". She replies, "Oh... So, where do you think <he> (my dad's uncle) is now then?" I wanted to reply: Well, obviously, he's in a fucking incinerator, but I'd probably have wanted to simultaneously cry and rip her head off.
  5. Faeryn

    Getting Into Sexuality forum?

    Thanks a lot!!
  6. Faeryn

    Getting Into Sexuality forum?

    Ah! I figured the sexuality part would be the place to do that if the people running the forum want to age-protect the subject. I was advised by my therapist to speak to other ex-Christians to help me recover from that part of my religious trauma issues. It's a huge part of how religious indoctrination has contributed to my mental illness, so it'd be cool if I knew properly where to post for that. Cheers!
  7. I've struggled severely with my mental health since I was a child. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder; I've also struggled with self-harm, paranoia, debilitating jealousy, eating disorders, and suicidal thinking. I have issues with my sexuality, since coming out at 15 (I'm 30 now), my mothers reaction to my sexuality traumatized me, and my School taught me that I would go to hell. I struggle with any situation which exposes me to attractive women with my boyfriend. I feel extreme jealousy because I can't handle my boyfriend being attracted to women because I was taught that it was a sin to even do so much as look at another person, and that if the one you love "lusts" after another person, even if just for a fleeting second, then in the eyes of god, he may as well also have slept with that person in real life and will be punished with hell for it just the same. This has caused me to believe in adulthood that any man looking at any woman other than his girlfriend, is a horrible, vile sinner who has cheated on his partner. Even though I don't even WANT to believe these things any more, I can't seem to remove it!! It has ruined my life and even stops me from watching certain movies, and going to certain places. My therapist advised me to speak to other people who have also struggled with religious trauma, so I am so glad I found this forum!
  8. Faeryn

    Did Anyone Else Attend a Private Christian School?

    - Not at all. - No physical abuse occurred when I attended, but previously children were caned as punishment. I would make an argument for all religious indoctrination and scare-mongering (telling children they will go to Hell for sinning) as being a form of psychological abuse. - We were not taught the national curriculum, but were not physically punished. We were taught "creationist science".
  9. Faeryn

    Getting Into Sexuality forum?

    I really need that forum! My sexuality is a HUGE part of my issues with my religious background. I really wish that part was more open. >.< It's like the main thing I need to talk about.
  10. Thank you all so much for your responses so far! It's helping so much being on this forum. I wish I knew how to "react" to your posts and like them, but I think maybe that feature is not available to me yet, so I want to thank you all here!
  11. I need to clarify that I don't know for certain what "religious ecstasy" really is for everyone, or how much the experience varies from person to person. I need to also note that I never actually experienced religious ecstasy for god - but I did witness a lot of it, and get a clear picture of what other people felt like, and how I felt pressured to experience it too. I have long suspected that I project this feeling onto romantic partners, because I didn't experience it with god, and I was shunned from any kind of loving affection too from my parents. The feeling of love is so overwhelmingly strong to me, that I feel like I'm on an extremely hard drug. People, and even scientists, have compared the feeling of falling in love to what it's like to be on cocaine in terms of its strength. I know what cocaine is like, and my experience of falling in love is many, many, many times stronger and more intense. Even partners of mine themselves have told me that it's like the experience for me is extremely intense and drug-like. I have yet to be with someone who experiences it as strongly as me. This makes me miserable and very lost. There are many parallels between how I feel for my partner, to how I "should" have felt, (and doubtless, how many people actually do) for god. I was deprived from love and affection from my parents, and so to then also feel rejected by god contributed to the "exalted" pedestal upon which I put my romantic partners. Words like "Heaven", "Heavenly", "Worship", "Lord", "Surrender", "Eternal", and the like, pop up A LOT in my romantic fantasies where I let myself experience the emotion of ecstasy for my partner (even though I don't show it, because - who reciprocates this?! I feel like a complete freak). It's like my partner becomes a god to me, and it's my partner I want to direct all of the love I had for god or my parents (all which went unappreciated) toward my partner. I think the intensity of the feelings of my love is made stronger by the fact that I felt that my parents didn't want to show me any affection, god himself didn't love me, (a big knock to my self-esteem when I was growing), and so for someone to claim that they do love me, and show me that they love me, induces in me a kind of euphoric reaction whereby I end up wanting to literally worship them like they're a god. I'm so curious as to if anyone else has a similar thing?