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DestinyTurtle last won the day on August 4 2018

DestinyTurtle had the most liked content!

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About DestinyTurtle

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    Strong Minded

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    Science, Art, and the various manifestations of honest creativity in general...
  • More About Me
    I was raised as a Calvinist. Needless to say I moved past it, now.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    I am not attached to that word.

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  1. Hello! I'm sorry you're experiencing the fear again! 3 years might seem like a long time but trauma, including religious trauma like the fear of hell, can take lots of time and effort to heal. I think for me it took about 10+ years. Anyways, don't fret. There's no shame in looking for medical help or guidance about anxiety. A lot of people struggle with this and there are a variety of ways to handle it. Like I said - what you're experiencing is a form of trauma - it's going to have some ups in down in the progress of recovery. I wish you well! I'm no medical professional so in the meantime I can recommend looking at cat videos or listening to some music! Most of all I want you to know that this is normal and that you can overcome it! Deep breaths!
  2. @ShellyD99 That's a really good question. Now that I think about it, I recall I really loved "Free" by Stephen Curtis Chapman back when I was a Christian child. I was obsessed with the song, and the feelings of freedom it invoked. Many years later after my deconversion I think his lyrics are shallow and inauthentic, but I realize that I was obsessed with the song because of the theme of freedom. I didn't have the self-awareness to put it into words, but I felt extremely imprisoned and confined in my strict fundamentalist household. For the most part I wasn't allowed to go out or have friends, and when I attempted to make friends or pursued my own hobbies I was approached with extreme judgement and distain. The song promised "Freedom" as a vague, general concept (as a reward to servitude to Christianity, of course) and I think something about that theme struck me. Anyways, I feel that I have achieved the thing which the song promised, now that I have long left Christianity. I recall the song in ironic celebration in my head sometimes
  3. Hello @confused00. Thank you for the open hearted letter and the vulnerability you showed, and trusting us to read and respond. I think you need to trust your instincts, and how you feel about the matter. I think you're thinking something along the lines of "How can these beliefs be so cruel? Am I not understanding something? Do they not know what it means?". I'm going to straight out say something that took me decades to realize and internalize: The cruelty is the whole point. You are understanding it correctly, and the implications are overwhelming. The long-term believers, pastors, and "spiritual-leaders" of the type know exactly how cruel it is and they revel in it - don't be fooled by their false posturing and lip-service to kindness. You don't have to take my word for it - in fact I prefer that you don't, and that you figure this out yourself. Trust yourself. Trust your intuition about the cruelty these beliefs imply, and their incompatibility with the kindness with which we need to live to be a decent person. Truthful people aren't afraid of you thinking for yourself and coming to your own conclusions. Believe me, I know how you feel. I was very hurt and conflicted - even for a decade after my deconversion. I have one additional advice: Your "white christian friends" are probably not your friends (unless they're secretly harboring feelings of conflictedness such as yourself). Be very weary of them, and please look elsewhere for new perspectives and different kinds of people. You might be surprised at the depths of friendships you can find outside the white christian community. Sincerely, -DT
  4. It's funny how they'll doubt everything scientists say that's not convenient to them, boldly declare God can make anything happen without need for scientific explanation, and then turn around and needily refer to an unspecified community of so-called scientists for "validation". Everything they say and do is willy-nilly, self-serving, and insufferably needy for validation.
  5. I'm glad you're here, @GrandmaDeeDee! Writing is super important and therapeutic, I think! I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
  6. I'm glad you're here, @WWOAC. Yes, you were a Christian. If you called yourself a Christian that's what you were. If you are not anymore then that's great! Don't get caught up in the constant goal-post shifting and weaponized delegitimization of people's experiences. They beckon you to do that because it helps them ignore counter-evidence when they delegitimize the experiences and perspectives of anyone who disagrees with them, outright. Christians like to claim ownership of everything, but in reality they robbed most things from other cultures - like components of their own mythic language and story. If you do some research here you'll see countless examples of how Christianity is not unique in the ways that the believers claim it is (I recommend expanding your mythic knowledge by reading scriptures and teachings of other religions). There's a lot of propaganda framing everything culturally "good" as coming from Christianity - it's just cultural narcissism. Anyways, your questions are valid. Trust your curiosity, your intellect, and your instincts. Don't get bullied by people who make you question your sanity.
  7. Hello @Jenni! Welcome to X-Xian! I get what you're saying. I feel robbed for all the efforts I put into being a good christian in my youth. It's ok to be angry, I think, if you're not hurting someone by being so. I think it's important to feel and process that energy because the truth is, in fact, really infuriating, and it does a dishonor and a disgrace to ourselves to lie about it. And yeah, the bible does in fact present everything as transactional.
  8. I think in a crisis many people, as a coping mechanism, cling to false explanations and narratives just for the false gratification of feeling like you "know" something and therefore have some kind of a "handle" on the situation. It's really tempting for many people to even believe in a cruel god and a horrifying apocalypse if it helps them feel like they "know" what's going on. I think it's a petty and desperate place to derive a sense of security from, honestly. People really have a hard time just coping with the fact that we don't know what's going to happen. Honestly? Given recent events it makes sense it's a struggle.
  9. I grew up in a fierce hell-fire-and-brimstone fundamentalist family, so yeah it took a decade or more to get passed some very deep rooted fear that God hates me or that I was destined to go to hell. It was a long journey but I slowly worked through my childhood fears of annihilation/abandonment, and was able to see their theology as insane and self-serving as they are. I also studied a lot of religions and beliefs along the way - which helps even if you don't adopt one of those other belief systems. It helps see the commonalities of these beliefs and elements of the basic human condition they represent - not some "grand" singular TRUTH that will will be punished eternally if you don't adopt it NOW. It also helps that I worked hard, got lucky, and managed to become financially stable early on so my parents couldn't continue to flaunt potential financial/social abandonment in my face. There isn't anything left they can take away from me. My self esteem comes from my own life and my own accomplishments now. I have friends who accept me for who I am. A couple of my closer friends effectively form my 'de-facto' family. I am no longer afraid of God or Hell. Christianity has definitely affected my life and my relationships. My relationships are better and more meaningful now that I am no longer Christian. My purpose in life is to be the best me that I can be, and, to the best of my abilities, embrace the multitude of opportunities and experiences my life offers. My purpose is also to be as kind and as wise as I am able to be, and also to watch out and care for my own self that was so un-cared for by people who were supposed to during my childhood. I hope to extend this care to people who have likewise been deprived. This gives me gratification, because it helps me feel as though I was able to win back what I have lost. Cheers on the courage you showed by taking a step into this path. I hope my replies help
  10. I think I had some good teachers that were great role models for me. Maybe that's part of the reason I prevailed despite everything. So grateful for them!
  11. Hi @DarkLordPhil. That wasn't rambling at all I hear you and yeah it's hard to process how messed up it is even after you're outside of it. The level of fear and anxiety they put kids through is just not humane. I've gotten so much gaslighting and emotional whiplash from the back-and-forth of "god loves you" and "you are depraved, disgusting, and worthless". None of it makes any sense it's just tactics to batter you down emotionally so you will submit to authority. Good to hear you got out. I hope you find much fulfillment and healing from your newer spiritual pursuits!
  12. My dad really liked the Doctrine of Total Depravity, which is a fundamental principle in the theology of Calvinism. Basically it says that humans are absolutely incapable of doing anything positive or good, and that everything is constantly in a state of increasing depravity and deterioration. He frequently taught me, while I was a child, that no good progress will come from my time and that the future will always be worse than the past. That's really devastating to a child who has hopes and dreams for who he wants to be or what he wants to accomplish. None of that mattered to him, though. He was more interested in proving that he's right.
  13. Hello @ZenPaladin. I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I had a similar experience back in the day with someone (who of course) was a very vocal Xian, and wouldn't shut up about "forgiveness" when he has no intent on stopping the abusive behavior (man looking back he had this sh*tty grin on his face every time people forgave him - he must have thought of everyone are such huge suckers). Anyways, I won't bore you with the details but he's dead now (no I did not kill him). He very much deserved the way he ended, but it did not undo the damage he did to people in his life. Stay strong and take time to heal.
  14. I totally understand. That's part of why I don't usually get involved in the theological discussions on this cite (even though I super respect the people who do). I used to read the bible obsessively and follow all kinds of detailed theological arguments, and for me personally the headspace is too closely associated with how I was back when I was a Xian (full of fear and anxiety). I rather spend my time thinking about delicious food, comfortable cats, and good music (etc.). I earned my right for my life to be about something other than the distorted interpretations of an old authoritarian text. It took me a long time to stop thinking, for the most part. in terms of biblical passages.
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