I was so happy to find this site and these discussion boards. It truly makes me feel that I am not alone in this journey of leaving Christianity. I have been struggling with many aspects of Christianity for many years, but have only made the step out of the church in the last couple months. I am reading about everything I can get my hands on at this point. I still have yet to share my deconversion with my husband of 25 years, although obviously he knows I am no longer attending church. I am struggling how to approach this as I am fearful that it could damage my marriage. This has been really the only down side to deconversion.
I have felt more relief and freedom since coming to the conclusion that I don't believe in the God of the Christian bible. I no longer feel like I have a hammer over my head ready to come down on me with any misstep I might take. This is really how I felt for most if not all of my time as a Christian.
I became "saved" in an Assembly of God church when I was 19 and my boyfriend who is now my husband did as well a few months later. It was a very legalistic church with many rules. We were youth leaders and very involved for many years. There came a point where I started having a lot of questions that I just couldn't find the answers for. I started asking some questions to church leadership and friends and was generally meet with non answers or in some cases out right hostility. I had an associate pastor tell me in our small group study that we just skip that part of the bible when I asked why our denomination didn't believe something that seemed clearly spoken of in the bible. To say this response bothered me would be an understatement. Over the continued years we stayed in the church but I still had a lot of questions. I eventually started studying Catholicism and after 2 years of study our family (husband and 2 sons) converted to the Catholic church. We lost a lot of friends to that process.
After several out of state moves and about eight years later we started attending a non-denomination church as my husband and I were having a hard time not feeling like we were going through the motions of going to church. We were just finding so many things were so inconsistent in the Catholic church especially as we started moving around. Once we started going to the Non-denominational church I really tried to get back into the faith but just found I still had so many unanswered questions and couldn't buy into most of what was being preached. It hard to believe God heals when you have struggled with Depression most of your life and asked so many times to be healed but yet no change. Of course it you start to ask why people would put the blame back on me even though I knew I was asking with all my heart. I think this struggle was really the main reason I just could never buy into so much of what the church taught. I knew depression was real and all I got from the church was more guilt to add to it and absolutely no help.
Over the years I have meet a lot of good people from all walks of life and I have found I just can't believe in a God that would send them to hell because they weren't born in the right country, right family or whatever situation that caused them to not believe in the Jesus my church taught. Many loved God just as much as anyone I knew and I wondered what makes them wrong and me right? I couldn't reconcile that. I just couldn't get to a point where I believed I had all the right answers and everyone else who thought differently was wrong.
I continue to read and listen to different you tube videos on arguments against Christianity and it is a relief to find out others have had the same questions that I did. I feel freed in the fact I no longer believe there is a hell that I will go to if I make one wrong step. Now that I have stopped going to church I can't imagine ever believing in those things again. I am now faced with sharing this news with my husband and two grown sons, who are the only ones I really care about what they think of me. I am grateful for this community and hope to find others to share this journey with.