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About LeKopo

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    Auckland, New Zealand
  • Interests
    Drumming, Table Tennis, Computer Programming, Outdoors
  • More About Me
    Raised non religious. Turned Christian after mental illness. Grew back to atheism and old self.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Not sure.

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  1. LeKopo


    Cheers again for the warm responses and to update, I'm doing better and alive. I am back enjoying things and active. I still feel occasional guilt and sorrow for not having that fatherly like connection but through Christianity and coming down from it I have came to know myself even more and my place in the world, and the wisdom I have received I am able to apply that in my life and I know how people work better. The fear of hell is not as bad and I dont feel as condemned, I start to think critically about things. For example why did God draw me to his son and gave me faith if he knew I was going turn my way and leave the faith 4 months later? If there's a judgement day I would ask that question because the bible says only the father can draw someone to being a Christian.. and there are other things I am starting to find confusing aswell. To be honest lately hell seems better than nothing at all for eternity. I still fear death like everyone does naturally but I am more focused on my own life than death.
  2. LeKopo


    My relationship with God seems is no more, as I gradually slipped away from him and decided to go my own way in life, and I'm currently enduring the pain of ending that relationship. It's been about a month now. Literally the feeling of a breakup. Except it was true love and with something you can't see and tough. I think about when I was a Christian, places I'd go, church, reading the Bible and thinking about how happy and spiritual I was with God and the conviction of "truth." But now it seems I'm back to life's old issues, being dictated by what people think of me. I'm back to my 5 normal senses which are back to being very vivid, pain feels like pain again, and the physical gratification has returned. I don't find enjoyment anymore. Coming down from being a true Christian is a tough one. I keep thinking well if I'm going to die then what's the point. Nothing seems to be fulfilling anymore after my Christian spiritual experience. I feel sad and guilty for breaking up with God and loving other things. I'm hollow and empty. I don't know if I'm alone but I certainly know that you guys could understand how unsettling this is. Is there any advice anyone could offer for me getting over this fear of hell/judgement and the emotional pain of ending love with that unseen force who you prayed to everyday?
  3. It's really comforting to know there are people who have been through similar experiences and can relate. Everyone has their own opinion on what is the truth. It's just so hard because it's like breaking up with someone you love except it was Spiritual/mental instead of physical. And you start to ask how did I leave when it was my whole life. But then naturally questioned the faith, seeing how Muslims think about the Bible, seeing different views, and doing the things I used to do. Sometimes I feel it's also comforting to know we all once had that same level of faith. We were once so sure that every other religion was wrong. As time goes on the vividness of that Christian life becomes dimmer and I become more and more back to my physical senses. I also remember having panic attacks over certain parts of the Bible. In the end it was fear driven, but didn't start out that way.
  4. Hi. Not sure who lurks these forums or who cares, but here's my story hoping someone can understand and relate. It all started out with me going into depression and entering into darkness. It was scary, it was away from love and light. It felt like it was impossible to be normal ever again. I was in this state for about 2 months. Coming out of that, though, I was for some reason drawn to God. I was interested in the truth about existence. I would watch evolution vs creation, God vs Science, debates and it really felt like God was calling my name and drawing me to Jesus. There was a moment where it felt like I accepted Christ into my heart and believed he died for me. This pretty much started my supposed journey with God and my spiritual life. The first 3 months I was on absolute fire for God and had such strong faith. I went to church, read the Bible, prayed, etc. but it came to the point where I was living 2 lives. I was living my old life and doing the things I used to do, spending time with old friends etc. and this cut me in half with God because it felt like I had to have sorrow and repent every time I'd turn away from that. It got to the point where it felt there was nothing new to learn in Christianity and I started to look wider than Christianity and a little into Islam, and found that billions of people from different religions had the exact same conviction that they were going to heaven. And over a period of 2-3 months I drifted away from God, Christianity and started to circum back to my 5 senses. There was a point where I didn't have the passion for God and Christianity in my heart anymore and it felt like God's Spirit had turned away from me like a point of no return. I then had a mental breakdown and couldn't sleep for days and entered into a psychotic episode where I was seeing different things in people, delusions, couldn't eat, etc. I felt like an absolute zombie. People around me didn't understand and thought I was being weird so they couldn't help the fact I was really sick in the mind. My mum took me to the doctors and then transferred me to the hospital where I got medication and came into contact with mental health professionals. I then got sleep and started to heal and I feel back to how I was before depression and the roller coaster I went through. But I still fear the lake of fire and punishment. I fear that God hates me and set some kind of curse on me. I also feel the sense of loneliness and emptiness, exactly how you do when you breakup with a lover in the real world. My question is, does it get better? Are you able to overcome this fear? Am I actually going to hell and how do I live a life that is not bothered by this fear of doom and loneliness by breaking up with God.
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