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Everything posted by PurpleLilac

  1. As I generally do,with my family. I was in good spirits and the elder who saw me and looked down only dampened them temporarily. My husband and I hold our school age children during the worship time and I tried to think about other things while the music played as I usually do. I’m not sure what the pastor said after them but I remember thinking “I hope my kids aren’t paying attention to this.” Then there was this baptism testimony thing and the woman said she was broken and could put all her sins on jesus and be clean. The terrible memories rose up to find me and my husband leaned over to whisper that my nervous foot kicking was shaking the pew. I didn’t take communion (I haven’t in months) and for the first time,today the whole idea of blood and body just felt gross to me and extremely creepy and wrong. The children went to Sunday school. The sermon started. My heart was pounding and I told my husband I was going out to the lobby. I’ve spent a lot of hours there since April of last year. I wonder if my body knows it’s been nearly a year? Like a woman who grieves a miscarriage a year later. I sat in the lobby for a few minutes and then....couldn’t breathe. Stood up and stumbled out the door,gasping for air,air,air. The world spun,I sat under a tree. The outside worship music blared. “You have been so,so kind to me.” I called my best friend,walked back to a picnic table where teens had scrawled verses and declarations about being pro life. Its time to take another long break from that place. I just can’t manage it any longer.
  2. It’s a mystery to me right now. I liked Rob Bells “What Is the Bible “ very much when I first started deconstructing religion. He says that the library of books were written by people in their own time and space. Even that little bit of reality was a lot for me last year. I was used to thinking of the books as holy and divinely inspired etc. But then, further research led me to interesting ideas like tribalism,economic and religious splits in Canaan that may have led to the fabrication of the Exodus. The Gospels May have been created and compiled as a deliberate effort to help the Jewish people retain their faith without the need for yearly visits to the temple anymore (because Roman occupation was making those trips very dangerous). I’ve read and heard all sorts of things. It remains largely a historical mystery to me. On a personal level,the bound leather bibles I have in my house are hot to the touch. I avoid them and try to avoid remembering how I poured over every word in hopes of happiness and meaning.
  3. If you were exposed to Adventures Odyssey growing up,the Christians were kind and well-mannered,honest people. The non-Christians were rude,dishonest and rationalized immature,selfish decisions with phrases like “if it feels good,do it.” That taught me to avoid anything that felt good (is it any wonder Pentecostals lost their mind during worship in an effort to Feeeeeeel Something?) My parents always hired Christians to fix their house,babysit their kids and anything else they needed. I did the same thing up until a year ago because all that brainwashing convinced me Christians were safer. Catholics were a tossup but at least better than those lost non-religious people. I remember telling my parents in my early twenties that the family I nannied for were so kind and good to me but not Christians and “that’s really surprising to me!” My parents looked *worried*. And now their worried faces make sense in a twisted,terrible way. Once a fundie gets a glimpse of good,kind people outside the cult,they are a step closer to getting free.
  4. My family lives in a northern state. Dad: We’re the frozen chosen,we get another 5” of snow today. Uncle: Well,we thaw out quickly in eternity. Dad: I’m so glad I belong to Jesus. Me: *posts screenshot of weather* Jesus loves TX more.
  5. Well. We went to the initial meeting where we talked about our backgrounds and our marriage for an hour with a counselor. When it was my turn,I could see the man trying to hold compassion for me and take in my trauma while also holding onto his own worldview. I remember doing the same on occasion. My husband feels that when he talks about his faith,I attack him. And that’s important for me to know because I thought he was simply listening to my impassioned thoughts on whatever it was. Young earth creationism briefly came up because it’s very important to him. I commented that I feel like I need to protect my husband because it means so much to him but at the same time want my children to learn about modern science and want them to be able to see the world from more than one perspective. Sigh. So our real work begins with a local couples therapist next week.
  6. Weezer,your comments tie into an above poster who mentioned that I am my own god now. I’m learning to be kind to myself. To trust that I can make good choices. My husband is still tied in at least some way to the doctrine of “you are broken” and sin nature. He can’t fully trust himself under that weight. How can he be at peace with his wife deciding I can trust myself?
  7. Your replies are very helpful and I carefully took it in. There is so very much we share in our marriage beyond religion. Meanwhile,I continue to learn how to be kind and patient with myself. My fear has been growing as well as his. He believes in the slippery slope fallacy that if I have no foundation,I am suspectible to doing anything at all if I think it’s my truth at some point. He said that one night and I saw the fear in his eyes. It doesn’t help that my best friend is going through a divorce. I long for the rebuilding of trust between us.
  8. I want to resurrect this as it’s been over three months and I think my husband’s grief and sadness is just growing. We start marriage counseling on Monday because I want to grow old with him. I watched Seth’s “letter to Christian spouse” again above and it just tears at my heart. Last month,my daughter asked me about hell and Satan and I sought to soothe her fears and hopefully hand her a more peaceful,progressive version of Christianity (that she can leave or take as she wills). The tension between us grows as 2020 begins to come into view and politics and Christianity intertwine for my husband. It’s just so much. It’s sitting in church (when I go) and inevitably the trauma,the memories come for me. I described it to a friend as “Escaping a slave owner and having tea with him every Sunday for an hour.” I don’t think I can bear it much longer.
  9. Reading this thread helped me today. It’s been about nine months since I woke up and realized I wasn’t a Christian anymore. The main thing that has helped me with full deconversion is that life is pretty normal. People don’t turn into salt. No one is manifesting demons. Really bad things happen in this world regardless of your religion. People are kind and caring and atheists. People are terrible and narcissist and religious. Normal,everyday life doesn’t line up with all the bullshit I was taught. And my increased happiness is undeniable. Lack of guilt and shame and depression and anxiety. My closer relationships with my kids and husband. Real life daily reaffirms what I know. That a very old religion is just a very old religion.
  10. It was an A/G college as well,yup, Still paying it off.
  11. Wow,I selfishly wish you were still in TX,I would love to hang out with you. I too had a slow deconversion and shed pentecostal xianity last year. I hope you post more often.
  12. I am so ready to never walk in those doors again. But I love my husband and it’s a slow slow ripping of the bandaid. I go most Sundays with him. He knows I can only handle so much. Our family is our shared number one priority and it’s a delicate dance on Sundays.
  13. This is heavy duty. But helpful. I think you’re right. I was a “true believer”. The real McCoy. It must be deeply unsettling to see the fact that someone can walk away. Change their mind. Reject it all. I will take comfort in this the next time I see them. I can be me and let them be unsettled. And maybe think a little bit. i know my husband is facing the reality that I’m much much happier now. That our marriage is closer. My kids are happier because Im not depressed. The facts deeply matter.
  14. Thanks,Margee! I have always valued the older,btdt voices in my life and now there are ridiculously few older voices I’m willing to take advice from.
  15. We went to my inlaws yesterday for a birthday dinner and there was this odd feeling,careful pauses and rewording...the feeling that my inlaws think I’m someone else. That their one and only daughter in law of many years has been kidnapped and replaced by someone they don’t quite know. I’m wondering when I can expect this sort of thing to lift. For reality to make its way into their consciousness that I’m still me. Church this morning was similar. Some people look down and don’t acknowledge me at all. Because I asked to be taken off the children’s ministry team. Because I’m not always at church anymore and I am there,I often leave midway through the sermon. Invisble apostasy I suppose because stoning me is no longer in vogue.
  16. I enjoyed reading these. I remember being in the shower as a young adult and the hot water gave out (probably because we had a small well). Anyway,I cried out in frustration for more hot water and I was alarmed and surprised when hot water started up again. It’s funny to me now,but I still think about it when I step into a shower.
  17. I have also chosen to keep beliefs and non-beliefs to myself for now. I told my parents in a text before they came that my husband and I were giving our kids space to choose their own beliefs and that we love them no matter what. I also told my dad that I am “content to live in the mystery.” He wanted to know what I meant and to also have a talk that would “clear up any misconceptions”. I told him I’m an adult,I have a therapist and I simply want him and my mother to meet me where I am and respect my boundaries. He repeated the foreign words and probably has very little idea how to do either. Which is why their visit was rather lacking in conversation. The real reasons I don’t tell my inlaws and parents straight out that I’m agnostic is because I love my husband. He’s not ready and I’ve decided I’m okay with waiting for right now to “come out”.
  18. Saw this on FB and I want to shout it from my rooftop in a mess of tears.
  19. I still have a lot of anger. Sadness. All the things.
  20. I just can’t accept this. They are making a choice. As a parent,I can’t give them the out that they are brainwashed. Either their love for their children is stronger than their fear and arrogance or it’s not. And it’s not.
  21. I was taught from very young that hell is literal fire where people are suffering and screaming. I remember the terror at age five and I still feel angry my mother didn’t protect such a young child from that indoctrination bullshit. At some point,that concept didn’t feel right to me anymore and I was open to the idea that hell is a cold,dark afterlife without love (because God is love,so I reasoned). When I went to therapy last year,the concept of hell was the very first thing to go. I love and cherish my children and the doctrine of hell simply wouldn’t fit into my concept of parental love. At all. Within a month,I found ex-Xtians on YouTube and decided to love myself and my family. Which,if my mother had done that before I was born,would have spared me three decades of grief.
  22. Yes,I grieved my brothers death 11 years ago when he came out as gay and atheist. Now my parents grieve me too. Such a waste of time and life and what could be.
  23. My parents flew in before Christmas and stayed for a week. Within 10 min of walking in,my father asked my oldest child if he could lay hands on her and pray her fever would be gone. She said no,thank goodness. The visit was tense,all parties were careful to avoid religion and politics,except my dad asking my children to pray for him and their siblings. I let my parents pay for nothing. They tried to buy my husband and I for years and that’s over. They looked at houses two hours from me while they were here. I felt sick about it but said nothing. Finally, They flew back home and I sent them a text that they might want to choose another place to live because two get togethers a year is the absolute limit for my emotional and mental health (yup,I said it just like that.) I know my parents choose their god and their fundie Pentecostal religion over me. I accept that and I will do all I can to protect my kids and my family. I even made out my will to ensure my kids will never fall into their hands. I hate fucking religion.
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