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Everything posted by PurpleLilac

  1. PurpleLilac

    The Importance of "Full Deconversion"

    Reading this thread helped me today. It’s been about nine months since I woke up and realized I wasn’t a Christian anymore. The main thing that has helped me with full deconversion is that life is pretty normal. People don’t turn into salt. No one is manifesting demons. Really bad things happen in this world regardless of your religion. People are kind and caring and atheists. People are terrible and narcissist and religious. Normal,everyday life doesn’t line up with all the bullshit I was taught. And my increased happiness is undeniable. Lack of guilt and shame and depression and anxiety. My closer relationships with my kids and husband. Real life daily reaffirms what I know. That a very old religion is just a very old religion.
  2. That was the huge crack in the wall for me. Sitting in the therapists office spilling my story about a narcissist father who was always hearing god for my life. And I realized that the bible is mostly men hearing from god who then tell people to go do stuff or stop doing stuff. The next big ah ha moment was when my oldest child tried to tell me she heard from god about a minor decision that needed to be made. I jolted back in my chair and barked at her to not say that to me. Took a deep breath and explained that if god told her something it was for *her* and not me. And again...I realized my words were in total contrast to most of scripture. I got on YouTube,fairly convinced whatever I found wasn’t going to stand up to thirty years of my religion and four year degree in bible college. I was wrong. It fell like a house of cards,the damn broke and I couldn’t take back what I had learned. The most important fact to me was finding out when the gospels were written in relation to the books supposedly written by Paul. I watched documentaries,Dawkins,Richard Carrier. Part of me felt like I was experiencing a death of someone I knew for my whole life. Part of me was so relived that hell isn’t real,that satan and demons aren’t real. That conditional love is damaging and destructive and wrong. I threw it all in the trash and started listening to “secular” music for the first time in my life. What was amazing to me at first was how god didn’t send me dreams or people or anything to woo me back. I realized that wasn’t going to happen. It’s only been six months since all this happened,so I still wonder about a lot of things. But I am So Much Happier now. I can be me and find out who that is and has been all this time.
  3. PurpleLilac

    god speaks...or does he.

    It was an A/G college as well,yup, Still paying it off.
  4. My parents flew in before Christmas and stayed for a week. Within 10 min of walking in,my father asked my oldest child if he could lay hands on her and pray her fever would be gone. She said no,thank goodness. The visit was tense,all parties were careful to avoid religion and politics,except my dad asking my children to pray for him and their siblings. I let my parents pay for nothing. They tried to buy my husband and I for years and that’s over. They looked at houses two hours from me while they were here. I felt sick about it but said nothing. Finally, They flew back home and I sent them a text that they might want to choose another place to live because two get togethers a year is the absolute limit for my emotional and mental health (yup,I said it just like that.) I know my parents choose their god and their fundie Pentecostal religion over me. I accept that and I will do all I can to protect my kids and my family. I even made out my will to ensure my kids will never fall into their hands. I hate fucking religion.
  5. PurpleLilac

    New Game: You Might be an Ex-Christian if.....

    Yes,shame. And embarrassment for them.
  6. PurpleLilac

    New Game: You Might be an Ex-Christian if.....

    When you see The Book of Mormon broadway musical and laugh till you cry....you might be an Ex-Christian.
  7. We went to my inlaws yesterday for a birthday dinner and there was this odd feeling,careful pauses and rewording...the feeling that my inlaws think I’m someone else. That their one and only daughter in law of many years has been kidnapped and replaced by someone they don’t quite know. I’m wondering when I can expect this sort of thing to lift. For reality to make its way into their consciousness that I’m still me. Church this morning was similar. Some people look down and don’t acknowledge me at all. Because I asked to be taken off the children’s ministry team. Because I’m not always at church anymore and I am there,I often leave midway through the sermon. Invisble apostasy I suppose because stoning me is no longer in vogue.
  8. PurpleLilac

    Finding Hope

    Wow,I selfishly wish you were still in TX,I would love to hang out with you. I too had a slow deconversion and shed pentecostal xianity last year. I hope you post more often.
  9. I am so ready to never walk in those doors again. But I love my husband and it’s a slow slow ripping of the bandaid. I go most Sundays with him. He knows I can only handle so much. Our family is our shared number one priority and it’s a delicate dance on Sundays.
  10. This is heavy duty. But helpful. I think you’re right. I was a “true believer”. The real McCoy. It must be deeply unsettling to see the fact that someone can walk away. Change their mind. Reject it all. I will take comfort in this the next time I see them. I can be me and let them be unsettled. And maybe think a little bit. i know my husband is facing the reality that I’m much much happier now. That our marriage is closer. My kids are happier because Im not depressed. The facts deeply matter.
  11. Thanks,Margee! I have always valued the older,btdt voices in my life and now there are ridiculously few older voices I’m willing to take advice from.
  12. PurpleLilac

    Religious experiences

    I enjoyed reading these. I remember being in the shower as a young adult and the hot water gave out (probably because we had a small well). Anyway,I cried out in frustration for more hot water and I was alarmed and surprised when hot water started up again. It’s funny to me now,but I still think about it when I step into a shower.
  13. PurpleLilac

    The holidays and how my parents visit went.

    I have also chosen to keep beliefs and non-beliefs to myself for now. I told my parents in a text before they came that my husband and I were giving our kids space to choose their own beliefs and that we love them no matter what. I also told my dad that I am “content to live in the mystery.” He wanted to know what I meant and to also have a talk that would “clear up any misconceptions”. I told him I’m an adult,I have a therapist and I simply want him and my mother to meet me where I am and respect my boundaries. He repeated the foreign words and probably has very little idea how to do either. Which is why their visit was rather lacking in conversation. The real reasons I don’t tell my inlaws and parents straight out that I’m agnostic is because I love my husband. He’s not ready and I’ve decided I’m okay with waiting for right now to “come out”.
  14. PurpleLilac

    The holidays and how my parents visit went.

    Saw this on FB and I want to shout it from my rooftop in a mess of tears.
  15. PurpleLilac

    The holidays and how my parents visit went.

    I still have a lot of anger. Sadness. All the things.
  16. PurpleLilac

    The holidays and how my parents visit went.

    I just can’t accept this. They are making a choice. As a parent,I can’t give them the out that they are brainwashed. Either their love for their children is stronger than their fear and arrogance or it’s not. And it’s not.
  17. PurpleLilac

    How Did YOU Think About Hell Back Then?

    I was taught from very young that hell is literal fire where people are suffering and screaming. I remember the terror at age five and I still feel angry my mother didn’t protect such a young child from that indoctrination bullshit. At some point,that concept didn’t feel right to me anymore and I was open to the idea that hell is a cold,dark afterlife without love (because God is love,so I reasoned). When I went to therapy last year,the concept of hell was the very first thing to go. I love and cherish my children and the doctrine of hell simply wouldn’t fit into my concept of parental love. At all. Within a month,I found ex-Xtians on YouTube and decided to love myself and my family. Which,if my mother had done that before I was born,would have spared me three decades of grief.
  18. PurpleLilac

    The holidays and how my parents visit went.

    Yes,I grieved my brothers death 11 years ago when he came out as gay and atheist. Now my parents grieve me too. Such a waste of time and life and what could be.
  19. Also,the sugar content in cookies is why I’m overweight.
  20. PurpleLilac

    open question to all - can you help?

    That was horrifying and difficult to read. Maybe because I recognize it,remember it,can still taste it.
  21. Christian radio plays in the main office of my kids public elementary school. Sigh. I also have to sign a form every year to deny corporal punishment. But in spite of all that crap,it really is a good school.
  22. I thought of this thread yesterday at my new periodontist. Christian worship music was playing in the office and I felt so annoyed, luckily,the overhead light was blinking erratically and I asked for a different room with no music. This is standard fare in TX.
  23. PurpleLilac

    Hi from TX

    The land of enormous flags and women with perfectly coiffed blonde hair. I wasn’t born here though. I’m from the north east and it was me,my younger brother,mom and dad. We moved a lot and didn’t have much. Focus on the Family came with us and blared from moms kitchen radio wherever we went. Dad’s narcissism and listening for the Holy Spirit on every detail of my life was just normal. We were charismatic,speaking in tongues,fundies with no Santa or Easter basket, or god forbid trick or treat. I just feel sad now remembering it. I grew up,went to a small Bible college,met a good man and married him my senior year. I found a gentle parenting internet site and told my dad “women aren’t less than” and “god isn’t punitive”. That was my first big step away. I had three kids and suffered anxiety and depression while trying to read the bible to scare it all away. I prayed so hard. I guess maybe this all would have continued for much longer but for two things. 1. My brother is gay and I couldn’t deny the conditional love he got from my parents. 2. Trump came on the scene in 2016. I watched the map turn red Election night and realized I didn’t want to be associated with evangelicals anymore. Two years of depression later,I went to therapy. It took about a month for everything to just crash down to my feet. My brother and I talk every day now. My kids went trick or treating for the first time this year. I dressed up as a red devil and it was awesome. A lady invited me to her church. This is Texas after all. So that’s my story. I guess I’m a hopeful agnostic. I like the idea of a higher power in nature or something like that. But mostly,I love my freedom to live my beautiful life.