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jupiter789

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About jupiter789

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    Questioner

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Kansas
  • Interests
    martial arts, computer games, science, history, music, frisbee golf
  • More About Me
    I am a 38 year old native Kansan. I've always been a thinker, but I'm also an intense feeler. My feeling side has brought me to this website. I feel lost in a sea of delusional people! I guess I'm looking for some kind of life raft? I think I'm just here for catharsis and, maybe, to confirm I'm not the only one.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    agnostic

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  1. I thought my family had some integrity until this stupid election cycle. The thought that my uber-conservative evangelical father voted for Mr. 'Grab Em By The Pussy' is a literal affront to my sanity. I can't believe I had a conversation with my Dad where that phrase could even be used in context!! (it would've been really funny but it wasn't) Now he tries to convince me that Trump is different, he found Christ (not God, but Christ - it's always Christ. Christ, Christy cult!). I do apologize, friends out there beyond our shores!! America has sort of lost their heads politically speaking. I don't know when we will be putting them back on right. It's very up in the air at the moment. Half the country refuses to do anything but speak out of their ass, and unfortunately that side seems to be in charge right now. The other half is frankly all thumbs it appears - they're there, but not much more than a bulwark. Gotta hand it to American politics, though. Without the fail safe of the House of Representatives, this country would be going completely off the rails. Silver lining I suppose :). So pop some popcorn and pull up the internet because it's presidential primary season and here we go again! (Andrew Yang for President 2020!!!!!!)
  2. It's amazing how once we allow ourselves to really think it out the blocks kind of fall into place and spell it out for you. I feel like I knew something wasn't right for a really long time. I was just too afraid to allow myself to look into it. (Ahem, yay internet!) It's bigger than the advent of the internet, though. The internet just gives us access to the correct information a lot easier. I mean, I got a degree in history at a real brick and mortar school with a good library. I had great resources. I researched topics that danced all over the ancient world and I never looked that way. It took me eight years after graduation basically to let myself use the skills I learned to show myself what I already knew. Welcome to the group! I hope you find any answers you still seek and some comfort in numbers at least. Hang in there!
  3. Thank you and welcome! I completely agree about the letting go emotionally - I have some rage issues :) Getting it down on paper in a forum that wouldn't try to intervention me back to Christianity was really helpful!
  4. I fully agree. Perfect moment for the red pill, blue pill question. NO. I would not go back. Uh, "lean [yea] on my own understanding" is soooo much better! Cognitive dissonance is bad for humans. At the very least it causes significant stress and makes us do crazy things.
  5. I have many incredibly smart family members who have infected my facebook feed with Christian nonsense. I almost never go on the site. I have a disguised twitter account I hope is never discovered. I am utterly taken aback, though, by the huge blind spots and logic holes in their arguments. My best example is how my family views evolution. I was actually raised by Christian parents that believed in evolution. God directed it, but I was allowed to accept science like the rest of the educated world without being berated. Now, though, if I try to discuss climate change with them??? Sigh. Shoulder slump...I don't get it. They're not dumb, but they're acting rreeaaallly dumb. It's a type of willful ignorance that is quite dangerous as we can all see. Hello Facebook! Great post!
  6. Hey all! I fully realize it is February 21, but I think I'm ready to talk about Christmas. I finally posted on this site the first week of December last year. It was an emotional, rambling post that pretty much said what I wanted to say. I'm sure some of the rest of you can relate to how you felt trying to articulate your feelings after realizing how many lies you had previously swallowed! I didn't mean to let two months go by, though, before I posted again. But, as we got closer and closer to Christmas, that gawd-awful American tradition of Christmasing everything to death just about did me in! Everywhere I looked people were "in the Christmas spirit" and "put the Christ in Christmas." The problem for me, to be quite honest, was the "Christ" part of Christmas! I used to LOVE Christmas! I already knew the origin of Christ Mass and all it's gory history. I know the pagan stories of the death of the God. I absolutely love Christmas trees and mistletoe and caroling and all the rest of the fun pagan traditions that you can celebrate under the guise of conventional religion! However, when my brain fully clicked that Jesus Christ was a man-made work of fiction, it was like I pulled the wrong piece in Jenga and the whole damn tower came tumbling down. See, I had allowed myself to sit in the middle ground between belief and total disbelief for way too long. I believed hell was bogus, the Bible was a disaster, and man had gone way too far mucking up Christianity for me to take most of it too seriously, but I did believe Jesus was real. I didn't even really think he was supernatural exactly, but I thought he was blessed somehow. I never expected his story to be a totally fabricated collaboration for the masses. I thought my current "beliefs" about ancient times were tempered with actual knowledge. I studied anthropology and history at a public college. But, I didn't really allow myself to fully look into the taboo topic until this last year. I kind of went along with my half beliefs and pushed my skeptics curious voice deep into the back of my psyche. Ha, maybe Trump was good for something. I think watching this country devolve into some sort of psychotic fifties flashback sent me straight down that theohistocratic rabbit hole. I no longer cared what I found out. I just wanted to look for myself. So I started digging, and I found nothing. Nothing. Nothing that you could legitimately use as a historical source. None of it holds up! For crying out loud, I could've done a historical paper on Dracula before I could have done a paper on Jesus Christ. At least Vlad, there, was based on one, real person! Sure you could possibly blend together one Christ out of all the Jesus Christs, Christ! Not really. I feel like my scenario is why a lot of Christians don't like academia. When I applied the knowledge I gathered as a History major to a topic that should have sources out the wazoo for how big of an event it supposedly was... "And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose..." (Matthew 51:52). Uh, just the temple thing is a pretty big deal - the Jewish scribes would definitely have written that down - but earthquakes and zombies?! Those zombies would've been mentioned by somebody else. We did know how to write back then. Not a lot of people did, but I think zombies would've made it onto a plaque or scroll or something. What is it with humans and zombies. We do seem to have a strange obsession with the dead. So the reason for the season so to speak became a figment of my imagination. Christmas got really hard to deal with for me all of a sudden. I had to wear earbuds in stores because I could not stand the Christmas music. I mean, yes, it's annoying every year, but I felt tortured. All those stupid sayings and religious decorations seemed to be everywhere. Of course they were everywhere. It's Christmas in the Midwest. I did put up a Christmas tree. I played Scottish music while I did. It was nice. The year before it was Manheim Steamroller, but this year I didn't want to hear any of those familiar melodies. At least I wasn't really expected to go to church! (I haven't gone in years, but I used to show up on Palm Sunday - I like the procession of all the kids - it's cute! It made my Mom happy. I won't be doing that this year.) Years back though, the minister of my parents church ruined the Christmas services for me. At the Christmas Eve service where we're mostly supposed to share the Christmas story, light candles, and sing Silent Night - he decided it would be a good idea to do the sermon "What if Mary had decided to have an abortion?" I kid you not. Seeing my family ended up feeling like an obligation to go to an event I didn't want to be a part of. It wasn't terrible, but it felt so hollow. I felt like an impostor. I felt like I was pretending to enjoy something for the sake of those around me. Because that was exactly what I was doing! I didn't want to celebrate Christmas. I could've celebrated Yuletide with my Yule Tree and been completely happy not saying Merry Christmas to anyone around me. But instead, I fakely participated. I think a lot of my emotions (or lack there of) were caused by the freshness of my recent and devastating realizations. It wasn't all bad, though! Have you guys listened to "A Skeptical Christmas" with Seth Andrews and Matt Dillahunty? Great information and highly entertaining! So, did anybody else have a weird Christmas this year? How did you guys cope with the fallout, I mean festivities? At any rate, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Sincerely, though, I hope the rest of you had a good holiday season! I'll try not to wait two months before I post something again. Take care everybody!
  7. Hi Derek, Glad to be here! Sorry to respond two months laterish - I absolutely agree about weight lifting. We also have a heavy bag I've used that a bit. Thanks for the response!
  8. Thank you all so much for your replies!! I appreciate the link to Journey Free, TruthSeeker0, and all of the other recommendations. It looks like a lot of us have googled our way to the same sources. It's really comforting (and infuriating - there's that anger again) that so many of us have had such similar experiences. My heart aches for some of you all that are in a much worse place than I find myself. I feel like I'm stuck in the "Christian" closet even though I long ago stopped going to church. My family hopes America becomes a Christian Theocracy. That dystopia would be my worst nightmare. Anybody else who's new feel suspended or detached or not so much out of body but outside of everybody? I do live in the Midwest. It's Christmas time, so, I'm surrounded by it. I guess that could be part of it. Anyway, thanks so much guys, it means a lot!
  9. Oh dear, my Dad truly believes he could write/teach those books. I had apocalyptic nightmares all throughout my childhood, and they started young. Turns out my Dad and friends would sit around and discuss the end of the world in front of me when I was two. Hang in there!! It's good you can joke about it
  10. Wow, so the "my Dad thinks he's a prophet" is not weird here, it sounds kind of common!?! This site is awesome!!! I love that you wore a red devil costume for Halloween! My Dad also likes SciFi and Fantasy stuff, so we got a little more freedom than some. I was Princess Leia once for Halloween as a child - there's a picture somewhere to prove it. Sort of.
  11. Hey man, I feel for you! What has helped me tremendously in getting over irrational fears (like hell, damnation, all that) was studying more about the origin of hell, the Jesus Story, etc... Did you know that out of Mohamed, Jesus, King Arthur, and Dracula, Dracula is the only real historical character? His story became legend, but his real name was Vlad III son of Vlad Dracul born 1431 (we think) which means "Vlad the Dragon" Neat, huh! My degree is in History. History set me free. I just needed to be ready to accept what I would learn. Youtube is full of videos you can watch for free. Check out AronRa - I kind of stole the Dracula bit from one of his lectures, I think. He's amazing!
  12. Hi all! Third times the charm I suppose! I've lurked about in the shadows for awhile now, but this post is my first. I would've written a wholly unfuckingholy diatribe the night I first signed up, so it may be a good thing that you have to wait for them to verify your membership. The next time I sat down to write this post, I burst into tears. So, third time around, it's still a bit surreal to be here. My de-conversion from Christianity didn't happen overnight. It was more like a stepping down of levels. I was raised by fundamentalist Christians. They aren't as conservative and awful as some, but I was ridiculously sheltered. They sent me to Christian schools - except we moved to a smallish town when I was in Middle School, and I got to go to public school there. I also went to public school my senior year of high school - too much bullying and bullshit and even my parents figured it was best not to send me back to the protestant hell school I attended the last three years. I would've set the damn bathroom on fire to get expelled, and I think my Dad knew I wasn't bluffing. Anyhow, fundie high school to local college I went. My Dad threw a shit fit when I wanted to go away to school, and insisted I live at home. He won. They had not prepared me to fend for myself, so I was helpless at that age to do any different. Not to mention, I was terrified of being thrown out of my family. It was the go to threat, along with - you don't own anything of your own. It took me three different tries and about a decade to earn my bachelor's degree. Go Mom and Dad, that one worked out really well!!! Meh, I have a BA with an emphasis in History ---- which leads me to how my whole belief structure completely fell apart embarrassingly recently. It's OK - that's the best part of my story if you ask me! Now I'm mostly free. I used to joke that the worst mistake my Dad made was letting me learn how to read. Then he let me loose with a library card of my own in a decently sized public library. I read all sorts of books that I hid with a sort of anxiety that still haunts me today. I gathered information. I started examining all the things that didn't add up. I realized I was completely OK with knowing the Bible is absolutely not infallible. I honestly can't believe anybody can get themselves to believe that horseshit. It's utterly astounding to me. I mean, not everyone I know is stupid - right? I decided that Paul must be the anti-Christ because he completely fucks up the NT. If it really came down to blows, I could stand by my belief against my family that the Bible has been completely altered by man. See where this is going. I know some of you do. Fast forward to a few months ago. I don't know why it took me so long to really examine this part of the fallacy. Jesus isn't fucking real. Uh, neither is Moses for that part. But, no Jesus never existed. I've read all sorts of different baloney accounts of Jeshua, Joshua, Isha, Ishua, passages that hint that Jesus could've studied Buddhism - where did he go for all those missing years. after all? Well, there are no missing years because he never fucking existed. All of this "historicity" of Jesus has been lies upon fabricated lies. The more you look into it, the more it completely falls to pieces!!!!!! HE ISN'T REAL!!!! So, Jesus isn't real. Hell was created by man (I was already almost at that belief, but knocking Jesus out of the picture - yeah, they can take their hell and just shove it right up their.....) All of it was designed for social control. All of it! Yeah, here's why it may have been a good thing that I didn't get to post the night I signed up. Sorry for all the cursing. I just can't quite get over how angry I really am. I mean I'm pissed off on a deeply betrayed level. I do not know how you move on from this. I've actually been flipping off churches as I pass them, and I live in the Midwest - they are everywhere. The best part of my story, though(sarcasm), is if I so much as hint to my fundamentalist family that I don't think Jesus and hell exist - they will intervention me until they have to cut me off. I will never go back to such ignorance, and I don't see them relinquishing theirs. This part is incredibly hard for me. I have 6 (will be 7) nieces and nephews. I have to stay in the family long enough to help them. My biggest fear is that one of these poor kids will be gay. I identify as bisexual. Oh yeah, that's another one that I'd rather never come out. However, I'd rather my family know about my bisexuality than that I don't think Jesus and hell are real. I am quite serious about that, again, I am much more comfortable arguing that the Bible has been altered - not completely made up! I'm not ready to give up my family either! I feel they will take that choice away from me if I am not careful. As sick as it is, one of the reasons I haven't been in any hurry to have kids (maybe ever) is that I can't have them influencing my kid!!!! So how do you cope. How do you get over the anger? I realized recently that I can stop being angry and still disagree with everything they stand for. I will never condone such a terrible religion ever again. I'm trying to let go of the anger, but man, I just turned 38. I want the lost time back. I want to be raised by a different family that wouldn't have pushed such ridiculous fucking nonsense! I'm a chic! What they call a conservative upbringing, I now loudly decry as repression, repression, repression!!!!! I know none of us get to go back and redo anything. I have to accept that fact. However, I will look to the future now in a whole new way. Don't get me wrong, it is so freeing, so exhilarating! I do still believe in God. I guess now I am my own religion. I believe the worst thing Man ever did was to personify God. God is God is God is God. How dare we make God into well what we have! In all actuality, I believe it is God telling me not to be angry with those who personify God in such terrible ways. God is love - hey that one's actually true. But God's love doesn't look anything like the Christian dream of God's love. God just is. God is everything - by that line of thinking we are Gods or at least extensions of God because God is everything. We are all part of one great big whole. It doesn't matter if there is any sort of afterlife. We didn't exist, then we did, then we don't. But others still will until, I don't know, Black Hole Sun or the universe shrinks in on itself (that was my attempt to site a couple of theories I definitely do not really understand - Physics is fascinating, but really not my subject.) So it is OK that for now I just fucking am. I am, I am, I am - yeah there may be some nuggets of truth scattered throughout the Bible. My Dad who self identifies as a prophet, (oh yes, he's one of those) said something in a youth group session years ago that he doesn't remember saying, but I will never forget. He said "what's the best way to hide the truth, chop it up in little bits and scatter it across the world." He swears he never said that. I'll swear, that's what I heard until I die. It doesn't matter. I heard what I needed to hear. Even though I do still believe in God, I have been watching all of the skeptic and atheist youtube videos that I can. I really really like AronRa. He is a personal hero to me at this point, and I would love to talk to him in person. I never would've guessed that someone who identifies as an atheist could bring me more peace and comfort than any of the supposed "holy" men that I have listened to over the years. He is an incredible person, and I am deeply grateful for what he brings to our world. We need more people to be so brave. I know there are others I have been watching, reading lately, but I feel I've ranted on and on enough. Thank you for this community. I hope to gather myself enough over time to engage in reasoned conversation with you all. Again, thanks for reading my rant. I'd say you have no idea how much I've needed a place to vent some of this, but I know that a lot of you do. And there I go tearing up again. Take care ya'll. Peace
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