Myrkhoos

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About Myrkhoos

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    reading, philosophy, foreign languages
  • More About Me
    Film school graduate from Romania, wandered through monasteries, had and have some psychological problems.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    I have no idea

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  1. Myrkhoos

    Argument against evolution

    Hmm this makes me want to delve deeper into this theory. I am an agnostic on this, have read some christian material though. The problems i see with it is arranging facts to fit the theory. We all have that bias so I shoul research more on the subject. Generally I do not have much attachement to big scientific theories of explanation of such large events. There can be a lot of confusion dealing with extremely complex systems. One tiny thing can change everything. Anyway, the christian author I read said change in a species was accepted and clear with the naked eye, but from to other was not. Like a fish into a bird. And that evolution this is just creative thinking. Like you see a monkey skeleton, a human one and than jump into conclusions. Actually he said, in all honesty, that science cannot prove or disprove either evolution or inteligent design, the origins of kife and the world is a matter of faith and revelation. And I repeat we all have biases. We need biases actually to navigate a complicated world. They do backfire on us but they are necessary in certain areas of life. You cannot have all of the data all of the time so you need shortcuts. Scientists are not immune to them, they can even rationalise them better. Like super intelligent people with mental ilness are harder to treat sometimes because they can make sopbisticated rationalisations for their issues.
  2. Myrkhoos

    An Athiest Too Late.

    Hmm, likewise I am not one to know to give proper solace. But I know the racing thoughts issues. Good therapy ( substance and talk, or some other thing CAN be good, I am a witness to it . I also know how it is to be blamed for mental problems and just barely not going off, being caught by fear form many angles. Well, you seem to have a problem with uncertainty and suffering. I have, and most have. I do not think there is one easy answer, or one for everyone. Philosophically, the essays of Camus I think actually saved my life in my early twenties. But even Christians struggle with this, the God's judgement is ultimately unknowable. So this is not going be easy or pretty, but worthwhile and wondorous. How do you live in a world you do not know? Nicholas Nassim Taleb has some insights. But this is your journey. There are numerous religious, philosophical and scientific aides, plus your senses and mind, that can help you on the way. Also you seem to need real help in grieving your losses. Grieving is a natural, healthy, healing process. Do not get too attached to scientific theories. They are mere temporary instruments on the road to discovery. They come and go, collide and commune.
  3. Wow, really sorry you had to go through this, Good thing you expressed these feelings. It is and still going to be hard to process all of it. Although I think you already know the official answer and are angry at it, one of the points is that God is actually your most closest "relative". Also, this God is the "source of life" . In this light it is obvious why believers cherish this connection above all else. Actually, they consider it impossible to have a true relationship with another person lacking a relationship with the God image. For them , their 'God" seems to be as real as your children are to you. They might think that your problem is a lack of relationship with Him, and if you had it, you would not need anybody else. Or you need them very little. So it is your problem, not theirs. Logically it quite easy to understand. Right and wrong is what God commands. That is the way they view the world. Does God order killing and torturing small infants. It is right. Does he not? It is wrong. So right and wrong is about God's will. That is the ONLY criterion of judgement. So if they think cutting all ties to you would be God's will, they would do it. Below is a fragment from The Ladder, its author considered to be John of Sinai, an abbot in monastery in mount Sinai in Egypt, in the 6th century. This what he says about discernment. Pay close attention because this books is THE staple in Orthodox monastic life and christianity in general and contains quite explicit views about the opinion about self-will and surrendering to the WILL OF GOD, and how to do it. "Those who wish to learn the will of the Lord must first mortify their own will. Then, having prayed to God with faith and honest simplicity, and having asked the fathers or even the brothers with humility of heart and no thought of doubt, they should accept their advice as from the mouth of God, even if their advice be contrary to their own view, and even if those consulted are not very spiritual. For God is not unjust, and will not lead astray souls who with faith and innocence humbly submit to the advice and judgment of their neighbour. Even if those who were asked were brute beasts, yet He who speaks is the Immaterial and Invisible One"
  4. You know, a lot of my questions and doubts started to gain weight about the image of God when I started researching into psychotherapy( I say image of God because even hardline Christians will admit that God is inexpressible, so any thing you say about him is just an image, be it in words, pictures, scuptures, music, choreography, etc, so rationally speaking, we can only talk about the image of God. ) I am not saying anything yet about God as an experience. To me some issues started to come to light about this. First the love/power thing. God want to appear as loving kind, caring, but all He really wants is for you to completely obey him. This looks like people who have the helper syndrom, where a lot of the help is actually a way to instill control. He says he wants for humans to love him, but he makes them incapable of understanding his will, unable to see Him, unable to follow his commands properly. and if they disobey Hell awaits them. So then the sacrifice of Christ is the only solution to this game he let happen in the first place. It looks like this God image plays a lot of mind games. Adam and Eve eat an apple, and they and their descendants suffer for at at least thousands of year torture and the solution to this was His son having a human birth and obeying (power again) and suffering torture and death. The death and suffering of Christ somehow tramples death ( the easter hymn in the Christian Orthodox tradition) . It just seems so complicated. I mean Adam and eve ate a fruit, ok maybe it was a metaphor, listening to wring advice because they were naive. So if you make a mistake you are so pitiful you cannot even make it right, God has to come down and make it right. You are helpless and in the same time responsible for any suffering. The same abusers make victims feel. I, having studied screenwriting, wrote short script about this. A couple of boys kidnap a girl and play mind games with her before they attempt to rape her, blaming her for tempting them and so it is her responsability to please them sexually now. May you could say more things about these issues. I am not saying that this God image is in accord to a "real" God person, but this is what seems to stem from the offical teachings of Christianity. I repeat, the thing that strikes the most right now is the relationship between power and love, as God is depicted, quite interestingly, BOTH as Creator and Saviour and as Judge and Punisher. Both as the creator of freedom, and as the ultimate power who is above and beyond anything a creature can do to Him nd even using their actions for HIS plan ( see the crucifiction of Christ as being the plan of God, being carried out by a faction of the Jews) Again the idea of a scape goat, of externilazing guilt you cand find it clearly in the idea that God's sacrifice cleans us off all our personal sin and guilt and shame. So the God image seems to be both as a cause of a great unhealthy guilt - the unreacheable standard of Christ, the fact that WE have killed him with our sins, he suffers for us, and as an unhealthy solution for this guilt - externalising it. Complicated, unclear, unhealthy and complicated inner relationship between power and affection are one of the hallmarks of an underdevelopped or traumatised psyche. And if people want to be in THIS image of God, well then... I think one can see clearly the consequences. I suspect you seem them in yourselves and in others. I have to hand to theologians. They really WHY they were so adamant about dogmas, and even suffered and died in theological disputes. The image of God one holds is what will form him and his life and his spiritual works and journey.
  5. Myrkhoos

    Maybe Atheist

    I hear your anguish will say something that you most probably hear from every therapist on the planet. Other's people feelings or thoughts are NOT your responsability. It is healthy and , if you are sensitive person, very intense, to feel empathy for and with somebody's else's pain, bu it is TOXIC to feel dependent or co-dependent. You are basically stealing your identity and theirs in the same time.It is ok to be kind and considerate, but even this has be in moderation. More on this from a professional.
  6. Myrkhoos

    Maybe Atheist

    About the first part. I kind of get what you say, about wanting to get away from it all. At least for a while. The process is different for everyone. But, to continue your analogy about drinking, finding out MORE about HOW the addiction actually works - for example in the case of drugs, how they affect the hormonal systems , helps you accept and overcome it easier and also helps you not relapse in it anymore. Knowledge heals and protects. That is my experience. And religion is a whole different thing. Because it is so connected to history and human culture and psychology. It is not "just" an addiction. I mean European history in the last 1000 years cannot be understood properly without having if only a superficial grasp of Christianity. So researching this subject will open up vast areas of human knowledge. Even psychologically it is interesting how religions create and maintain communities. So, again going back to your analogy, if you research drinking from the point of view on how you can drink more and more, that indeed is not only wasteful, but dangerous. Studying for healing and protection is exactly the opposite. So it depends what you actually do. Of course obsessing over it does not help. So it is a matter of intention, method and degrees. I hope you get the peace and understanding that you feel necessary , however and whenever that may come. PS. I for one do not like the term "atheist" because it basically says nothing. It is a denial of a claim, not a claim. It is like a Muslim telling you he's not a Christian. The word says only what you do not believe, not what you actually believe. It is the same with the term "religion". A person can say he is "religious". That means basically nothing, again, because it so vague. Agnostic is the same. I think the best question is not What you DON'T believe?, but what you DO believe? That one is pretty different IMHO. I am the process of trying to answer that.
  7. Myrkhoos

    Maybe Atheist

    Well, About the atheist/agnostic linguistic issue You seem to talk about a personal psychological element of this. I am not qualified nor do I know you enough to give an opinion. I could recommend seeing a therapist, this has helped understand and improve elements of my life. Caution in choosing one however. Bad things may happen. As others have said here, the book of Marlene Winell , Leaving the fold, and her articled on her website may help you understand more, and of course why and how things are so difficult to give up. As said, do not take everything at face value, but she has some good points about certain problems. Again,it helped me in some ways. Also the personal testimonies and forum members may be able to help you more than me, having greater experience. The logical element is a little easier to clarify. Atheist comes from the negation "a" and "theist" ( which comes from the Greek word for God, even modern Greeks when they refer to God, is "Theos"). It means a lack of belief in a certain kind of supernatural being, usually the anthropomorphic/personal kind. So, if you do not believe in such a thing, you are an atheist. But belief is not such an easy thing to actually understand, because there are degrees, questions, doubts. It is not such a rigid and clear factor in the human psyche. But, on a whole, that it is. So, believing in a kind of uniting creation force and being an atheist is not contradictory. Agnostic, again is formed from the negation "a" and "gnostic" ( this word meant knowledge in Ancient Greek, and some form of it may be found in modern Greek as well). It means a lack of knowledge. If you do not know ( it depends in how you define knowledge) if God exists, that may mean agnostic. You can be both an agnostic and an atheist. They respond to different questions. What do you believe vs What do you know? Most people are the same. And it is important to know what the question is. I mean you can be atheist and also quite sure that the Christian God does not exist, so you are NOT agnostic about Christianity, but you ARE agnostic on the idea of a supreme being. Bart Ehrman says something like this somewhere. It is important for you to clearly define what you mean, because these words can mean several things. There are many terms like strong/weak atheist, antitheist, materialist, idealist, skeptic. Not all atheist have the same viewpoint. Research usually helps. It if you do not know (agnostic) maybe searching materials may give the required knowledge to give an answer. For example, you read Christian theology from several denomination and refutations of these by other religions and philosophers, Church and Bible History, psychology, linguistics, physics etc. That is what I am trying to do anyway. Also conversations with freethinkers, atheists, Christians, Buddhists, etc. For me this journey, although hard, is very rewarding. Stefan
  8. Myrkhoos

    searching and asking and hurting

    First, Yes well, I think i did come off as a wee bit aggresive. But I am in mood to be "pressured" in accepting any beliefs anymore. That is a usual tactic by some religious authorities. And sincerely speaking, this issue of gay rights is really being pushed by some part of the public and media and not accepting their claims automatically makes you a "bigot", a "hater", or I something like that. It is exactly the name calling game that many cults use. If you disagree even a bit, you are of the devil. Second, it depends on what you mean by perfection. Any community has rules of conduct. Not respecting them results in some kind of punishment. If you have more than the legal speed, you will be handed a ticket or a warning. No one will have "tolerance" for your "choice" to pass the limit. In this case, not being "perfect" results in consequences. This I heard and hear very often in the Church It is somehow ironic to tell someone to forget about biological perfection and accept imperfection and let himself be who he is, and the next thing to recommend them a psychiatrist and therapy. You have just accepted the idea that there are ilnesses that need to be addressed, and "imperfections" that one needs to take care of. I of course accept this. You would not tell a psychopath to be who he is. And I agree with that I mean, if your liver did not function well and you had hepatic tumor, you would not just "accept imperfection", would you? You would go to a doctor and seek treatment. That is my point about the nature of the sexual organs and the nervous system. It seems to be that there are sicknesses of the sexual impulse. The most obvious one would be necrophilia. I do not think anyone would deny that that is a dysfunction. My idea is that homosexuality is a dysfunction of the sexual impulse, and it is not a normal variation of the sexual impulse. This seems to be self-evident. I do not need kind of science to see this. It is like seeing that a man with a severed leg is handicaped, and he does simply have a "variation" in the number of limbs. So, to conclude. I believe that the sexual drive has normal variations, and it has pathological dysfunctions. Like any other human drive for function, or organ for that matter. I believe that normal variations are normal intercourse between a biological male and a female. Anything outside is a pathological dysfunction. And I have too passed this limits, in some minor regards, so I am not making myself the "pure" one. Then again, being sick does mean I do not recognize where health and want to promote it. I realize what i have said may not sit well with many of you and you may think it is just the religious indoctrination speaking. I believe it is not. Time will tell. I am sorry of this personally offends you, someone close, or my views bring to mind painful experiences. This was not my intention, it is merely the byproduct of any meaningful discussion. My hope is that this community is open to freely expressing and debating ideas. This I have longed for. So far , it seems so, and I am glad it is. I am not idealizing or setting unrealistic expectations, but the overall feeling is ok. PS About the digestive problems, I actually a sensitive digestive system from the beginning.. I went to nutritionist ( MD) and I had leaky gut, and several other problems. This plagued from childhood. Careful diet usually solves most, if not all, my problems. bad diet usually makes me easily go off track. Sure the anxiety is a contributing factor, but it is not the only one. Will see how I manage my treatment options. But have to say, I do have a somewhat fear of psychiatrist. I think it is an authority problem. I did have a bad experience with one that really let it's mark. And heard some stories. People that have the power to declare me mentally deranged and to have me hospitalized kind of scare me. Eventually I did meet some kind people who I do not think would do that, at least, not that easily. It resembles a little the fear I had of priests. I mean having the power over my eternal life. And not obeying was the same as rejecting God himself. That was and still is extremely frightening. Why would God even give this power to mere mortals subject to all kinds of mistakes? PPS. Marlene Winnel'd videos and articles proved to be of great help.
  9. I must say the problem of creating a being with the ability to sin is one of my biggest problems as well. I usually receive the same free will answer, but, with a twist, that love is free , so only if a being has the possibility of rejecting God he is truly free, otherwise love would be forced. My problem with that is the following. People rarely describe what freedom or free will is, it is like reciting an advertising slogan. I mean the human freedom or freedom to choose is limited. And the next thing, freedom in itself is nothing, if you describe it like that. It does not matter at all. If the the point is eternal life in union with God, then freedom is just an unnecesary risk. Again, rarely do they describe what love is, and why exactly does it require the freedom of rejection. And if so, why does that rejection mean eternal conscious torment. I mean, is that really a choice? Eternal bliss and eternal suffering? Why would a rational being, like humans and angels supposedly are, would choose the second. A life of loneliness, helplessness, suffering,. Then the creature itself must be somehow irrational. Or flawed. People, even men, usually choose and chose short sound bytes that sound wise, like a catchy tune. Plus if the question is one of blind "pure" faith, than why create beings endowed with reason? It looks as God is setting himself or his beings to fail. And the faith argument is flawed because I can give examples in the Bible where the Jews and the Christians were told to test and see what is true. Like the prophet Elijah and the prophets of Baal, the wonders and wisdom of Moses, and in the New Testament to test "spirits" and see which if them is right. And it is flawed because suppose I would come to you, and say, I am the messenger of the ultimate creator God. His name is Bob. He is the totality of being and incomprehensible to the human mind. He requires absolute faith and obedience and I am the only vessel through which he speaks. You have to take my word for it. Would any one believe me ? Just on "faith"? Any religion can make that claim. Many do. The patter is : There is this human messenger who is a vessel of the superior being who demands faith and obedience and worship. Reward is pleasure, punishment is pain. And the thousand year old culturally advanced religions, like Christianity, or Islam, or Buddhism, or strands of Indian faiths, have refined dogmas and methods of practiced so they CAN produce some results and may seem convincing. Why believe St Paul and not Muhammed? Like was said, of course , I admit to not having other data, or information that could change my mind. But when I ask, seldom is something new presented to me.
  10. Myrkhoos

    searching and asking and hurting

    Thank you for your responses. The deal is that now I am approaching beliefs with full on skepticism. I mean I will not accept views on sexuality JUST because anyone says it is true. Or I don't care how many famous people say it, or anything. Testing and being very reserved on adopting views, even after I adopt them. I know homosexual behaviour exists in the animal kingdom. And other types of sexual behaviour. But this to me is not proof of anything. And this is because that animals also have dysfunctions and probably sexual dysfunctions. It depends on how we use the world "natural". Does it mean what exists in nature? Well that just means all of reality. Torture exists, killing exists, wars exists, in the animal kingdom, that does not mean that they are OK. I said on purpose the argument from anatomy, as in human anatomy because some things appear to be clear. As in the ears are for hearing, the nose is for smelling, eyes for seeing, etc. So there are pre - programmed functions of bodily organs. If they do not functions as per programmed, we consider it to be dys-function. I mean daltonism or seeing just black and white would not be considered normal, or a choice, ori anything, but an impairment. So is the human genitalia. It seems obvious what its function is, at least generally speaking, not with extreme detail. I mean it is clear its that a male penis is made to enter a female vagina, and not an anus, or a mouth, or anything. It is clear that ONLY a woman can breastfeed, because she has breasts. Please explain to me how one can possibly say that homosexuality is not a biological dysfunction, when it is clear what the human genitalia are for, is clear to a 5 year old, and that they are using those organs in other ways. And any other improper use of those organs, there are a HORDE of sexual deviations. Again, not saying we should do everything our biological impulses tell us to do, that would wreak havoc, but is one thing to admit this simple biological truth, and to say we, as rational beings, decide, because of some reason, to go against this, and to say this is not a biological truth. Because of course, following my argument, contraceptives are also against biological imperatives and a misuse of the organs, and humans do use contraceptives. My allegiance is to clarity and truth, this is what led to question religion at a great personal cost, and I am no way available to take in another ideology, just because it is in fashion. So my problem would be not with LGBT people practicing their beliefs, it is their insistence that I accept theirs, putting an equal between a heterosexual couple and homosexual one. And even giving laws that say that saying otherwise is discrimination. Bullying and manipulation are despicable, no matter where they come from. And to make such vile use of the word "love". The misuse of this word is rampant in all world-religions. Who knows, maybe even Hitler did the Holocaust for the "love" of mankind. To say , but they love each other. What does that mean? Even sexual attraction is biologically meant between males and females in the human race, so it is clear that having sexual attraction for a man is like projection, or brain-misfire. Your brain "thinks" that other person is a woman, not a man, it has some wires confused somewhere. So are not really attracted to the real person, you are attracted to what your brain-misfire thinks he is. If were attracted to a tree and only want to have sexual intercourse with a tree that would be most seriously thought of as wrong. And wrong using of bodily functions CANNOT give good results. It is simple as that. Why don't they spend millions and millions fo dollars in TRYING to repair that, or making it better, like with many other genetically dysfunctions? I am sure sex change treatments and operations cost a lot. I am very sorry for them that they have this dysfunction, I am also sorry for myself for having a weak digestive system which easily causes me stomach burn and diahrrea , and that i have -extra cautious about what i eat, or that even tiny amounts of alchohol make me feel nautious. I am sorry for babies born with diformities, of any kind. For any kind of ilness, small or big, light or grave. I can, probably, have a lever of empathy, but to say "it is just diversity" seems as ridicoulous as burning heretics to the stakes. My bone with religion is contradicting reality to fit in their worldview, as I see it. I am not about to just accept other things that to the same thing. Of course, homosexuals, transexuals, swingers, porn actors, prostitutes, gang bangers, etc, can be otherwise very intelligent and good willed, with a lot to offer. That does NOT define who they are or what they can do. But that does make everything ok. Truth is truth, no matter how kind or unkind you are. I do NOT think that observing the function of human bodily organs has anything to do bias, or conditioning, even religion for that matter. It is not a matter of cultural prejudice to say I use my nose for smelling and using it to try and chew would be dysfunctional. It is important to distinguish what is cultural conditioning and what is biological conditioning. It is clear that someone who makes a sex change operation goes against his DNA. He still has a XY chromosome. Ok, may in the future technology will give humans control over a lot more. I could say the same thing, that is because of conditioning and brainwashing that people accept non-normative sexuality. That argument runs both ways. Of course, humans have toying with nature for a lot of time. I mean if only women were allowed to breastfeed, without the use of technology like bottles or something like that, things with be harder. Not impossible, as so many animals clearly show. However this thing about "these are just this, my views". On the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no, I regard somethings that are true, to some extent. Otherwise all people would live in a total individual bubble, in their own reality, if we did not have some basic ground on which to discuss. Communities can exist only if the persons who make it up have similar enough views on what is fundamental. Example, could you live in a community that thinks apostasy from religion deserves murder ( There were and still were those kinds of communities in the world)? And no member one this site could. Views of people do not exist just in their heads, they inform thought and behaviour.
  11. I must confess I have NOt read the entire topic, but I do admire the idea that one does NOT have to be enlisted in a camp. I mean, about the abortion issue I believe life begins at conception. The first cell already has the DNA of the person. So for me he is a human being. That cell is not A PART of the mother, it is a distinct being which would naturally evolve into a human being, To me, making the difference between the first cell and a human would be the same as between a two year child and an adult. It is an artificial distinction. I am also making MY artificial distinction, of course, but there it is. So to me, the question is not so much about whether the woman has the right to choose. Because that choice is equal to murder. The degree of murder I do not know how to judge, but murder nonetheless. It is like in the ancient world a slave owner had "the right to choose" over his slave because they were his, his property, and extension of himself in a way. About life threating conditions however, I would leave this to the woman , with counsel from the other parent, if he is a husband or boyfriend, any spiritual guide she may have , therapist, etc. However, the fact that I hold this belief does not make immediately want a law prohibiting abortion. This because right now I am not sure about the relationship between legislature and morality. I am leaning towards laws against abortion, while at the same time providing reality based sexual education for everyone, and many safety nets for mothers with "surprise" children. Many religions may make sexuality have this gruesome look, but the truth of the matter is that IT is dangerous to play with something like this. It is a great power, and, as the great wisdom of the Spiderman epic teaches us. with great power, comes great responsability. I am open to dialogue. This issue seems to one about boundaries. I mean, where and why do we set boundaries on what consider human?
  12. Myrkhoos

    open question to all - can you help?

    Hmm, you know, it is interesting for me to observe something. Not just about Christians, but anyone actually.This has been a source of reflection for many years. About the fundamental axioms one holds. From what I can gather, any philosophical system has a base system of several presuppositions. Not many, and simple enough for any commoner to understand. Many also have a basic effect on emotion ( the reward/punishment motif) etc. The best of them, however are untestable. Or , might I say, every test will prove they are true. That is what makes them so powerful in my opinion. For example, the IF you pray hard enough, God will respond. Well, from that one can easily say whoever has an experience during prayer did pray enough, whoever does not, did not. So the blame is always on the one praying, but the measurement is hidden, and it is done by God. And so on. Any contradiction can be explained by saying "you just don't understand God's ways". This is something that really bugs me. And made and makes me wonder. Of course, the system had thousands of years of refining to get where it is now, so it isn't by no means silly. So you perceive an event, for example God creating man although he knows some of them will be sent to hell. This seems to contradict the idea that the purpose of man's creation was eternity with God, personal illumination, etc. Well, apart from universal salvation, which most christian churches reject, the most common answer I got was a version of "this a is a mystery" , there is no space/time in God, etc. And this answer is considered enough for most. What works, works, what doesn't, also works, but we are too limited to understand. As a student of screenwriter and amateur reader in psychology I have to hand to it, the system is bulletproof. Any test will reveal it is true. Like, why are there murders, and tortures if God is loving? Well this test of a basic presupposition gets an answer from another presupposition - God's judgement is ultimately unknown to us, so all that happens is loving, but in a way we don't and might never understand. This is how even the smartest most profound people can get caught up in these kind of systems. Every major religion I think has one. And this kind of system can be observed also in the "religion" of democracy, or "science", etc. Once you get into it, and stop seeing it, contemplating with a little detachment, then it gets you. This what I am trying to avoid. The problem is that as many of you observed, to get out of these axioms, you HAVE TO SEE THEM. Many people do not see them, I mean they are not conscious of them. This is the master work of any thought and mind control system, where you do not see the system. Probably this just a grain of sand in whole topic of human psychology. My two cents of the billion dollar riches of the human soul.
  13. Myrkhoos

    searching and asking and hurting

    Thank you for your kind words. When I say I am confused, it is because I wholeheartdley accepted the doctrine and IT became my life, so seeing problems with it is, somehow, like throwing myself in chaos. I changed my social groups, my job, my values. Like my inner core is broken to pieces and I want to find something to cling to. Somehow, some ancient Greek and roman philosophers , start to seem attractive, like Seneca, and Pyrrho. I like some things I find in there. But really, feeling like a tornado wiped my whole village away, and I am like, what? I think most of what I lived was illusion, but, still, psychologically I want to cling to it because it was the only thing I had. I don't know if this makes sense. You said. I am not married, sorry if I gave that impression. The girl said no. And we broke up. Luckily for her. I am still sorry I made her pass through all that. Yes, I know , I also had similar states like your husband, but maybe not so severe.. I had nightmares and panic attacks and was told it was because of my sins. Or, the the most serious thing, of which I have still have fear, it is because I wasn't obedient enough and full of egoism. And all that talk, of which I think you are aware, of the departing of grace, of the tests of God, of maybe elders like St Silouan, or Sophrony Sakkharov, or elder Joseph the Hesychast. I have started seeing and researching therapies. There is this guy, Franz Ruppert, who developped a theory and practice of trauma healing. You can look him up. I went to a workshop in his method. It did work. And anyway, I am starting to get very interested in psychotherapy as a field. I also visited an EMDR specialist and that worked. The thing, so much of religion seems to be the projection of a traumatised child's idealisation of his parents, on a cosmic plane. The constant self blaming and denying any fault with the parents, self aggression to please an authority figure, victim-aggresor mentality - you see this in the Bible of God the punisher of his people, and also a victim of his people who stray from him and He complains that he did everything for them. Plus the idea of the gentle , delicate Jesus HAS TO FINALLY BREAK DOWN. The New Testament is on another dimension of harsh expectations and penalties. I mean having a sexual thought throws you into eternal Hell, and so if you get mad at someone and tell them they are a lunatic. The Old Testament rules just said death. New Testament ups the stakes - eternal damnation, unless you acccept that God loves you so much that he is willing to publicly torture himself FOR himself and you have to eat his blood and body. It just sounds like something from a De Sade novel. All that torture. And to show our love, he tests us to see if we are willing to suffer for HIM. Why this need? It he so insecure that me being beaten to death while he watches is the only thing that will convince Him? And the Devil is somehow the bad guy? And about the devil. How did a most perfect being, when there was NO SIN, just DECIDE, out of the blue, to elevate himself above God. Was this being, who partake in his glory, that stupid? Give away eternity of bliss for something impossible? Did he NOT know God was all powerful/ How does that thought even occur to a being created by the Lord God? From where? It just seems that he either created them extremely stupid, or with the inclination for evil. Free will is the most BS answer ever. You mean a rational being makes an irrational choice? That is just mind-boggling. And Adam and Eve also. You had the choice between God, and the devil and you chose the devil? What kind of idiotic creatures are you? If I walk down the street and see a library and a smelly van in which I hear screams, I am going to enter the smelly van? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? My journey in Christianity did not give me life in abundance as advertised, it robbed of my life, it gave a lot physical and mental illness , isolation and living in imaginary planes. Not love and truth, but mostly pain and deceit. Maybe, I will give this the benefit of the doubt, I have not lived the True Christian path. Maybe. I do not know what is out there, and not even HOW to know that. And I am still afraid that some of you will not accept my views. For example, and I will say this and you are free to ban from the website me or accuse me as you wish, my views on sexuality , although not really clear now, are mostly based on the scope and function of the genitalia. So any other act that normal intercourse between a man and a woman seems to be a deviation. I do not know why, and what to do about this, but this is what I think. And I repeat, it is an argument from anatomy, not culture. I say this because sometimes it seems that, about LGBT issues, you are either extremely pro and non-religious, or religious and extremely against. I do not think things are THAT simple, as nothing is THAT simple about human nature and culture. I am not advocating any view, because I have not researched enough, but I regard with reserve both religious propaganda against LGBT, and LGBT propaganda. For example, I think parades are uncalled for and are a vulgar display of sexuality. I would regard any parade, not only gay parades, in the same way. I feel that sexuality and intimicy are deeply connected and public display is just demeaning. Maybe that sounds prudish. But I do think that modern life has a weird way of also devaluating sexuality, like some religions, by making it less that it is, like some kind everyday act. A shame. I view sexuality is something deep and intimate. I recently read an article from a male porn star and producer who said he NEVER met a girl porn star without a history of emotional or physical or sexual abuse. Viewing your body like just a piece of flesh to used and abused I feel deeply wrong. My body is I, I am my body, it is my identity. Well, this what I feel now. May later, with further knowledge, I will change my mind. Who knows? But I tell you this, if God IS real, and he IS the TRUTH, then me asking and searching and questioning should be something he wants and like.
  14. Hi there, Well, I might say that I am very confused. Very, very confused. Came here to may find some answers, one way or another. Confused that I was literally spiritually abused by a priest some years ago, and the rest of the time in the Church ( Orthodox Christian) has not so far been so full of joy as advertised. I dedicated my will and my decisions, to this guy, I asked a girl to marry me because he said so, thought I should then go to a monastery because he said so, started taking a new name because he said so, did not go for medical support for various chronic psychological issues, thought it was all because I sinned against the Lord and all that. And this guy is well respected in my home town. I wasn't even believed for a while. And, of course, like in many traditions, there is idea that God speaks through the spiritual father, if you have faith, and you should never discus or disagree. I almost fell into grand delusion and psychosis. I kind of did actually. And I met others like him which kind of psychologically messed me up. Very few, I admit, were helpful. And this brings me to the first point of my criticism of this faith and practice. Poorly educated people, struggling with their issues, are put there to lead the people who sometimes, many times, blindly trust them. This mind erasing, self killing, human idolatry cloaked in HOLY OBEDIENCE to me is incredible. The almighty God, ever present and all wise needs human trumpets for others to understand him. I get that I will trust a university professor with great experience in his domain, but he does not say that his knowledge is directly from God, it is because of time and hard work. Obedience has to be the top one thing which makes religion destructive. Or a version of obedience. Because it destroys free thought and the possibility of criticism. Hey, you cannot argue with God, can you now? Whatever you feel or think is of no importance, it is probably demonic or sinful so you better listen to us, because we are God's spokesmen and no matter how foul we may be, he still works through us. The very idea that a God created beings to obey seems morally repugnant to me. It has for some while, but now, I can have the courage to say it clearly. Why create beings with free will if all they can do is obey you? And you call that love? And this idea that God has unconditional love, BUT one the condition you do what he says, otherwise eternal unspeakable torture awaits you. This is the version in the Orthodox Church anyway. And that somehow, I am born evil and need Jesus is again repugnant. Why do you allow for me to be created flawed so you can come and save me? It just seems like some kind of weird game. And me being in so much suffering, praying, confessing, taking communion, and almost nothing happened until I went to a doctor and psychotherapist. And, somehow, I am asked to believe that that is also God's gift. But the very test of spiritual practice kind of failed, as in made me almost a lunatic, and material medicine resolved a bit of that. It is a system where God, the image of God cannot fail. If something good happens, it is God's gift. If something bad happens, it is God's gift, and it also good. But if you say that, these words have no meaning, because good, just, love means everything and anything you want it to meet. And believe me I have tried and still try to make it all fit. I am still asking for an answer. To respond God is unknowable is the opposite of a an answer. The idea that God so loved the world that He gave His Son to die seems, what? You couldn't like just kill Satan from the start and make everything better? How is this sadistic and masochistic event of a God self-inflicting pain on Himself that rational and loving? Human sacrifice is a an act of love? And letting humans for, in the Bible version, stay tormented for 6 000 years before the Incarnation is what, just? And singing hymns about how retched we are and how right he is to be in Hell for our sins....really? Why the wole repenting stuff? If do not grovel before him he does not forgive me? Strange are the ways of the Lord indeed. I am not in the point of saying Christianity is wrong, ( philosophically I am inclined to Pyrrhonian skepticism so definite beliefs would not be my thing), but their claims seems self contradictory. And when asked about, the answer, yes, but St Paul said, Christ is our wisdom, etc,.. The problem with that is there are thousands of religions in the world, some smaller, some bigger. They all have beliefs, methods, and records of experience. If all people held those same convictions there would not be not even ONE christian because no one would convert. I do not know if you felt this, but I really wish it is true. I spent so much time and energy. And it starting to crumble down. The most painful thing is that i prayed for an answer and mostly silence so far.Why/ there are so many why's and so few answers. Like how could the devil choose to sin. How could a perfect being make that choice to rebel? How could sin appear out of nothing? How could Adam be so naive and listen to the devil and not God? If you want to choose what to eat, do you listen to the the spokesman for MacDonalds or a certified nutritionist? I do not know what and how is Truth with capital T, but a lot of what I thought seems to not have been so.