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Myrkhoos

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Myrkhoos last won the day on June 11

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About Myrkhoos

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    reading, philosophy, foreign languages
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    Film school graduate from Romania, wandered through monasteries, had and have some psychological problems.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    I have no idea

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  1. So, Been wondering, is it real? It comes, this panick attack, with the absolute certainty that hell awaits me for my sins, and I have to confess and do exactly what God of the Orthodox Christian Bible says, and believe exactly what he says, and give anything else as demonic as wrong, any free thought, right now, otherwise demonic possesion is a given. The weird thing is that the the thoughts in this panick attack are not profound or coming from understanding, as what it is a sin, what is confession, how it works, who or what is God, who and what to trust, etc, it is more in the line of OCD thoughts, obsessive and strong, but confused and vey unclear. Like some sort of false hope/ritual, do this and you will be ok, saved. Exactly like OCD rituals. It scares the shit out of me, and provokes the flight/fight/freeze/fawn/fantasy coping mechanism all at once. The weird thing is that I tried for six years to do all that stuff, to force myself to believe, to obey, to confess, to get comunion, to stay in monasteries, to get exorcisms, visit holy relics, holy icons, and such, and very little progress. Once I tried psychotherapy and some natural anxiety remedies plus some other medical check ups and treatments it has started to subside. The thing is, at leat in the Orthodox Church, fear of hell, as in extreme anxiety, there are descriptions of monks falling into terror states and refusing to do anything but pray for forgiveness, is considered a virtue, a gift from God. My mind like goes blank, denies everything I read or know, goes into this is a real danger, I have to do this and this to escape, everything else, fuck that shit, like it doesn t matter how I feel, how and what I think, all that matters is escaping the wrath of God because I have a mild pornography addiction , weirdly enough provoked by the anxiety I live in , which prayer does not really make go away. I just see a God who issues commands and threats, demands total dedication and love , kills his enemies and even killed his own Son and gave him up to be eaten. I see a God that threatens people to Hell because they did not do works of charity, BUT that had to do with him, because doing stuff to them, means doing to Him. I see a God who asks complete submission. I see a God that creates danger and evil and then lets people fall into them and then blames them for them. I see a God that demands we be thankful for suffering and atrocities. I see a God that provokes Stokholm Syndrome in his followers, who start out fearing Him, like a victim, then loving him, being attached to Him, like little children to abusive parents, who uncounsciiusly deny everything bad that has happened, idealise parents and are fiercely loyal and interpret everything from them as being love and considering every other feeling bad. I see a God that plays mind games. I am terrified, and pure and simple terrified that THIS God actually exists. What if he exists? What if this thing, which I feel and think, these are opinions of course, is a monster, a total monster worse than any other monster ever, being all powerful, does exist? The terror, the sheer terror is amazing. I talked to a secular therapist friend, and said, you know, while I agree that child abuse, sexual and violent, is extremely traumatic, one does not understand the extreme point of anxiety if one has not experienced the fear of Hell. Of complete, eternal, conscious terror and torment with no escape. That is the reference point of anxiety. I feel like goung to Church and going trhough the motions just to relieve this extreme fear. God, it sounds like and addiction. Jehovah s witness with their anihilation theory sound nice in comparison to the Orthodox Church official version.
  2. The weird thing, from my meager studies, is that it is not clear at all what that phrase, son of God, actually means. In the Orthodox tradition, they have this idea of experiental knowledge of the dogmas, as in if ones does have some sort of personal revelation, through what they call the noetic mind, the contemplative inner core of humans, things cannot be understood. A kind of mystical insights of some sorts. But otherwise, I mean, he was fully human and fully divine, ...and all that, so what makes him any different from any other saint fully united with God? The theology is pretty wacky, if one does not have that kind of inner insight. I mean, they themselves say that these ideas, Son, Father, the nicene crede about the son being born our of the father, are, in best cases some kind of metaphors, or specific instruments for some kind of undestanding, because God is not like a human father and a human Son, and these are anthopoformisation. One of thea greatest theologians of the Eastern Church, John Damascene, explicitly says that many of the things Scripture says, like the eyes of God, the voice of God, etc, are just figures of speech. Gotta hand to them Orthodox, pretty neat thoughts sometimes. And the stories of the Desert fathers, and their sayings are just wonderful, even as just literature, if one considers them such. Sometimes I feel very conflicted. I still like many things in the Orthodox Church, especially the art, and mystical teachings. They are just beautiful, sometimes. Actually my whole view of my previous life is very conflicted. What, how, and when is true, good, what does christian even mean, really, and all that?My position is basically taking, or trying to get s step back and investigate and try not to, although it is tempting, to jump to conclusions. Yeah, I also found some respect for some parts of Buddhism. The guy or guys who made this philosophy of life were very refined individuals. It seems to me like that.
  3. the strangest thing, which sends me into a rage attack, is something akin to what Matt Dillahaunty said. Intelligent, reasonable people, mature, educated, when confronted with the issues of religion, revert to 5 year old logic, slogans, absurd cherry picking, idiocy. Like a psychiatrist explaining that suffering is not because of God, but because of the actions of people. And her PROOF was quoting the Bible. How in the name of fuck do you do medicine? Like a patient comes in, and you say, ahaaaaa, you have psychosis, because a textbook I have never ever bothered to verify and investigate says so? Do you even prove the existence of God, of freedom of choice, real freedom of choice I mean, of the fact that human choices make earthquaques, but you just jump to magical thinking conclusions like an infant. Really? Proove to me a a murderer is entirely conscious, intelectually, and emotionally of what he has done, and still does it, just to piss everyone off. No being, absolutely no being acts in contradiction to its own benefit, even if it is not obvious. Self harm, by traumatises individuals, for example, actually is a form of discharge, it is a benefit the brain is chasing. The stupidiy, the sentimentality of a third grade romantic movie, and of the most crude forms of fairy tales...The sheer lack of depth in their thinking and sensibility is just outstanding. You are a full grown adult. The fuck you are doing, man? The power and level of brainwashing, like it was with me, in a way, is just outstanding. Just outstanding. It is like a virus which keeps evolving to become antibitic resistant and kills of the immune system as well. I am amazed. God would be, in a metaphorical sense, extremely dissapointed that the beings endowed with wisdom, reason and depth just give that all up for some simplistic formulaic bullshit. Like, hey, I created you so you have the ability to complete a post doctoral paper in quantum physics and ancient writing systems of the world, while indulging in fine art and poetry and you choose to be a sleazy used car salesman, drinking moonshine whiskey! Talk about a waste of talent! Really? The being created to experientally know the holiest mysteries of the world? these guys. You gotta be kidding me. Sometimes I just want to tell them. You are so selling yourself short, even from you religion s viewpoint.
  4. I am looking at that and going to therapy. Let s just say my opinion so far is that I had family issues that were exacerbated until the brink of total breakdown by the religious practices I made. Of course, not all, but kind of 96 percent of it. Living in an ex communist country means that, usually, you carry some kind of trauma , leftover from parents. Was in the womb right through the 89 revolution in Romania and generally the eastern block. So lack of self confidence, extreme fear of authority, living under the threat of starvation and sometimes even arrest, were my mother and father s memories. As in waiting hours and days on end for bread, butter, oil, and the like, and having to have connections in order to secure food. My grandfather had a nervous meltdown during the period of collectivization, where the lands of the peasants were taken away and given to the state. He ended up living the end of his life in an insane asylum, although he was not violent. That plus the early years of transition to open democracy, where things were rather unstable. Of course, it was not all the time like that, I mean it was not like living in Auchwitz or anything, but anyway, even the good times in tyrannic regimes have an underlying anxiety running through.And these are just the general stuff. the more intimate ones I do not feel it ok to disclose. Dictatorships and authoritarian regimes do end up traumatizing millions.
  5. You know, I have started listening to some Buddhist teachers, one in particular who is very skeptical in nature, and sees reincarnation, and ghosts, and all that as more in the lines of speculation, than reality. Not that he is denying them, but who is not emphasizing them at all. Ajahn Sumedho. And I have found meditation to be a tremendous tool, altough I am a little reserved, as I still suffer from panic attacks, anxiety, and the sorts. But I do find his teaching soothing. I do not even regard him as Buddhist, just a person whose ideas I resonate with. Of course, the whole robes, chanting and buddha statues still freakes me out a bit, as Orthodox Christianity also has clerics in robes, chanting and icons, and that whole thing is still a bit too much. With time. And, for some reason, I find philosophy soothing as well. Anyway, this Ajahn Sumedho is very focused on recognising and liberating emotions, releasing preconceveid notions, investigating reality for yourself, so I find use in that. That terror, I think, is well preyed upon by some cults and religions, that child fear of being abandoned by parents. It is so incredible ingrained.
  6. Issues from family and church are showing their face here. And from wherever. Like this mental habit of trying to guess what the rules are and please everyone by producing a nice image. I cam here, I think, searching for the support, emotional support first, and intelectual, for things I thought and I still wish I had found in my community. Feel still a little guilty about that. A liitle more actually, but guilt is an issue anyway. The whole habit , although complex in manifestion, boils down to, what can I do, to make you accept me and not hurt me. The classic childhood abuse thinking. I feel dependent on you, but you seem also threating and I am afraid, terrified of you, so I need to develop way of coping with the situation. Lie, cheat, fawn, manipulate, run, conceal, you name it. This is how I feel about God. Either do what he says, immediately, or else withdrawl, a combination of neglet - God goes away from you and abuse, God will punish, inflict pain on you. So the situation is abusive, I feel. I tried to be a good christian, not to offend anyone, and here there is the urge and the fact, that I have to be a good ex christian, or will be sent away, punished, etc. That fear which grips the heart, collapses all rational thought, and sends in a frenzy of denial, self denial, psychotic breakdowns, addictions of every sort. That terror which I think is the essence of some forms of this religion. Conscious, or unconscious. But, trying to be honest, I am still ambivalent about Christianity, I am still ambivalent of most everything. The rig was swept under me. And I am in weird place, personally, where i would like a palce to just relax and recover, but have no idea where to find something like that. No money, no job, no stability, being in a bad place. And just seeing that yeah, I could try and believe this some kind of divine test, but that is just my mind, it is just my thoughts. There is no angel or anything telling me this. What I thought was true, a lot of the time was not, and I am staring to see this, in therapy also, so what kind of trust can I have in my perceptions? I do not know where I am and where I am going, but trying to please on this forum so they will like will get me the exact same thing as before - pain and suffering. So I do not like labels, that much. I do feel, though, that if God is this being for whom I feel the utmost terror and disgust, than Hell seems better. Who knows, maybe that is it, and our ideas are just ideas. I am in the process of seeing emotions, thoughts, ideas , opinions, as just that. Not saying they are real, or they are not real. Or what that even means. Some Buddhist sects have this idea of not naming, of mind stopping, because that kind of speculation leads nowhere. I kind of like that. Finding solace not in knowing, but in not knowing. In knowing the not knowing. In this sense, the only goal of true morality is in emptying oneself from inner objects. Compassion is just a way of seeing the other. It is not pure sentimentality, not that is wrong in itself, but it can cloud the mind. You just give and let go of experience. Receive and let go. One cannot let go if one does not receive. I do not know, and maybe it is ok.
  7. I just read the first part of the article. It is highly inaccurate from the start. The fact that the senators in Alabama is totally irrelevant to that point. It is as irrelevant as their height or weight. The abortion issue from a christian point of view is not about owning a woman's body. It has to do with the whole idea of God being the sole responsible with giving life and taking life. If you agree with that it is another matter but christians who see that you are accusing them of sexism will be even more sure of the fact that non christians are deluded. If you thing that God gives a soul at conception than abortion is murder, a capital sin. Another proof of not being a sexist isdue is that neither are men of any posture, even priests, allowed to give permission for abortion or do so.ething to the women so the child inside will die. They do not think that reproductive rights exists, because they think life is in the power of the Almighty. You see sexism in that issue only if you want to find it there, that is my opinion. There are places in the Bible that clearly state some kind of male superiority, but so of equality. Abortion however, I repeat has nothing to do with gender equality in most of christian denominations. It is like saying the bible has something against gays. Not, it has strict sexual rules for all parties, and whoever disrespects them is considered a sinner.
  8. You know, I would bring up Jordan Peterson s viewpoint about technology here. Men are, by far in the average, stronger physically than women. So, men can easily overpower women. Women are not only more fragile, but pregnant women and with small children more so, plus they have the burden of child bearing and breastfeeding. So they nedeed protection. This is just biology , simple, observable biology. The one with power gets the power and the weaker or needing protection got less. Technology, in all areas made women more powerful. How? Well warfare is now a question of weapons not of brute strength and agility. So are many jobs, and increasing. Household chores like washing cleaning and cooking are significantly easier. Wide acces to cheap contraception makes it easier for women to engage in casual sex. So technology tends to even out biological differences. Without it, there would habe been only a dismal chance, I think, of the modern feminist movement. Plus the whole deal of war world 2 where many men returned broken and many women were forced to assume the nr 1 spot in the family. So my guess is that it is more a question of historical events and technology than of philosophy.To put it simple, the fact that a man can beat up a woman easier than viceversa = patriarchy. The first element of the equation began to change, so did the other.
  9. The question, my personal shock is actually, how could he do this to me? God, leaving me in brainwashing agony.Of letting thousands and millions die, in His name, and this being a glorious end, the more torment, the more glory. How can he do this to mankind? What kind of a degenerate father is he? And really, his Son asking to be spared of suffering., and he willed him to be tortured and killed on the Cross? What a twisted perveted fuckface would do that? In Christ he shows perfect love? That is sick twisted manipulation, unfit even for animals. But of course, there is another spin, another interpretation I am just not aware off. Until I do, I repeat How can You do these things, having the power and knowledge to stop them? You command us to visit and take care of the suffering, but you will not move even a finger? I do not want communion with this God. A narcissistic psychopath and sadist, a projection of himanities most destructive and traumatic experiences. It is like I am talking to rapist, dumbfounded about the raw sadism he must have had. He most certainly seems to be the God of Ted Bundy, another man who showed his own kind of twisted perverse affection on others. I am so angry!
  10. Hello, I am having this pulsating feelings of going back to it all, missionary, hardocre, spirituality style, but it is not of conviction, or new found wisdom, I think. Mostly because of longing for lost time and effort and pain and force of habit, mental and emotional. Bu I would like to believe it all. Sometimes. Would like the Bible not to be so inconsistent and the God image to be more coherent. Would like the community not to seem so brainwashed all the time. Would like it , actually, not to believe, but it to be different. Not for God to create beings and test them, which only now I see and feel it is so twisted. Would like to not feel the threat of eternal torment if I do not do what he says, even if if I have no power to do it myself. Would like to be able to understand it all, and not be created not being able to. Would like to feel real compassion, not just tha trials and pains are somehow a sign of his love, which again seems twisted. Would like not to feel rage and sickness to myself at any kind of praise to some kind of person, in religion and not only. Would like to be helped when I am in my worst state, mentally and materially and not be agressed and bullied for it. Would like not to participate in the ritual symbolic cannibalism of lithurgy. Would like to have freedom, not just to obey parents, priests and leaders and be scared shitless if I do not. Would like to feel empathy and safety, not domination and constant anxiety. Would like not having to forcefully brainwash myself. But I cannot. It is just too vile and putrid, it seems that way. I cannot. Something in me cannot, would prefer torture, than this. I cannot accept contradictions as always sign of superior intelligence I cannot keep finding and seeing patterns in my head that I have no proof they are there or not. Like if I replace God with the tooth fairy, and the pattern would still work. I cannot be naive, trusting. I have been harmed, psychologically to the point of severe breakdown and witness this continually happening. I cannot just think of an afterlife , and fantasize about it when all things will be right. That does not make feel better, it makes me feel worse, as why in an uncertain future and not now? The image of God I have been presented with is absurd, pathological, and unprovable. An amalgam of different ideas and projection. While I do not deny some kind of reality of being, which I am not aware of, and I am trying to be honest and say , yes, I am full of bias and lack, what I am aware of makes me extremely skeptical of the Christian God claim. And, the first claim I have is this, the apostles believed, from the official gospels, after seeing countless wonders, from manipulation of the elements, to curing of thousands, to bringing back the dead, and countless sermons and explanations of the truths, gradually building up their understanding. I have yet to see such a preacher, although it was promised that those who believed in him would do the same, even greater. I do not believe, but I am open and investigating and trying to make sense of my experiences.
  11. Well, I really wanted to find a thread like this. The first thing I can observe - definitions. It has been said before, but what is really the difference between emotional, spiritual, biological, etc? They are , in my mind, just classifications of reality, like all language for that matter. Useful as an instrument, but limited and can be confusing. It is more of a convention that established reality. Like any emotion has also a biological component, which can be easily verified by anyone. Second thing, and again, this is just personal observation , without needing God knows how many studies. Something in me , call it the brain, the soul, the whatever, receives, orders and creates my current reality. As in we receive numerous information and stimulation from the sense - ears, eyes, etc, numerous stimulations from our memory, from empathy - as in the ability to feel the emotional state of another human/ animal. This is not rocket science, I repeat, it is just daily experience. And, again, I dream. From what I hear, a lot of humans also do it, but I least I do it, and have terryfing , surreal dreams almost every night. Big problem with nightmares for years. In this I have the proof that this thing in me - soul, brain, spirit, etc , has the capacity of creating or at least sensing the creation of other entities, in a different manner that me being awake. From this simple observation I have managed to make, after setting aside as much as I can of what I have been told about how to interpret reality, I conclude that my reality as I sense it is a creation, a continous creation of this something inside of me. Pain is a creation of this which I call me, of the body if we are to categorise. I also create these separations of spiritual and material, etc, as concepts. I have had surprising experiences in Christianity, practicing a form of buddhist vipassana meditation, and several forms of psychotherapy. These were indeed unexpected, but I would not like to use the word irrational just to name what I cannot explain or put in a satisfying conceptual framework. Interpreting religion as experience, and some experience I had as spiritual got me very connected with Christianity. The thing is, many people say they have had spiritual experiences in very desparing moments, but having weird experiences in the cases of deep and persistent psychological turmoil, even of something feeling like bliss, is not necessarily what one thinks it is. People may change, and say well, look, this experience changed me. I would beg to differ that that is a trick of the psyche. A whole of things happened before that and after that . Plus, people do change from some high impact events , in general. Like a trauma. This is my journey at least. Who and what is this rational mind and this framework of logic, reason, etc, we say is bulletproof anyway? Sometimes I tend to believe that, yes, we all have some conventions that are useful and some ways of investigating reality, but they are limited. I am not saying that all is just imagination and nothing can be discerned, just saying that I have to see more closely their limits and properties.
  12. To me this bill of rights could be summed up in - You can live. Which, from experience, much easier said than done. But worth the try. I am, what else can you do except that? Even here, on the site, thoughts come up of, am I being the good, ex christian? Am I really a true one? I am having doubts, maybe I shall be rejected. The whole pattern of the high control group applied even here. Stefan
  13. And anyway, going to doctors and therapists, plus my own research, I cam to the conclusion am dealing with some childhood issues,which have been severly accentuated to the point of complete mental and physical breakdown by religious practices and thought patterns that I, and I need to emphasize this because it is not everyone s experience, have done and experienced in the last years. I see now that that deep existential and identity searching process and questions are quite natural, with their whole set of sometimes disturbing experiences of grief, doubt, confusion, anger, fear, etc.
  14. I see I have been grossly misunderstood. Possibly the phrasing was also misleading. I was talking about believing stupid things. As in how could I have believed that or did that ritual. How c How could I have bern so naive, credulous. Tha trance, unconscious dark place was a metaphor.
  15. Interesting thing you said, about God as an addiction. Really need to think this through. I mean, religion does offer community, which is a lot for any human in terms of feeling good, practices, order, a sense of belonging, a sense of importance, in some way, so for many, including myself, it is very appealing. However, my intuition and experience tells me that intimate relantionships hardly work with opposite worldviews. Work as in provide emotional happiness. of course if you are interested in testing your enduring abilities, that is another thing, but emotional fulfillment with opposing worldviews seems neigh impossible. Most mixed religion couples I suspect are not that religious, as in they are more culturally, liberally religious, like I call to call my God Jesus, you like to call him Allah, but it is all good. That is actually a kind of openess to a sort of syncretism. But hanging in there hoping for change is a common illusion. Maybe he will change for the worse, how will you know? I am sorry, pain awaits you every decision you will make. But one is better than the other.
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