It's nice to meet you.
I've accepted that I'm an ex-christian. I grew up catholic, than baptist, and settled on charismatic pentecostal. I've been heavily involved in the pentecostal church for a few years (my home church is inspired by bethel (what a cult that is), hillsong, ihop, etc) and was super into the idea of the gifts of the holy spirit (prophecy, speaking in tongues, miraculous healing) and being constantly in tune with it. The bible was my foundation and I believed every wild story guest preachers (who also labeled themselves as prophets) as well as their visions of how to basically force the world to believe in jesus. I believed the devil was at fault for all the bad in the world. I was basically drinking the kool aid.
However, at the same time I've had doubts, especially about the bible and it's validity. My pastor would always say that the bible never contradicts itself but every time I'd read it and analyze it, there were contradictions for days. I also questioned the prophecies made by guest preachers and members of the church. I even questioned my own. Was god really talking to us? Another issue was that barely any of my prayers were answered and almost none of what had been prophesied over me had come to past. I also realized that those "sins" I were struggling were really parts of my identity that I was repressing, particularly my sexuality. But what really broke the straw on the camel's back was when I lost my job in NY and had to move back in with my parents. God just wasn't really there. I devoted my life to him and I was right back to square one. So I slowly began to deconstruct my faith and removed myself from evangelism and fundamentalism. I began to take interest in witchcraft and learned that everything the church told me about it was complete bullshit. Since practicing the craft, I've been doing much better and I enjoy it.
Throughout all these things, I tried to make it work with my christian faith but I've come to realize that it's just not for me anymore. I've pretty much let go of god and jesus and the bible. I like to think that the holy spirit is a divine being, something different but that's just me. Anyway I'm basically just starting my journey as an ex-christian and though I feel free, I'm also grieving from the loss.
Thank you for listening to my story. I talk more about it on my blog, where I also post my creative writing: