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dobokdude

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About dobokdude

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    Curious

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    California, USA
  • Interests
    Eastern spirituality, martial arts, cooking, reading, animation/anime, Disney, Marvel/DC, Star Wars and general Sci-Fi
  • More About Me
    Asperger's Syndrome

Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Identifies as Buddeist(Buddhist + Deist)

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  1. True. Hopefully I will be starting therapy soon. Just curious, what would you have done in my shoes?
  2. Thanks. Curious, what would you have done in my position.
  3. Hey yall. Awhile back I made a post about how I was still struggling with something from my past I still felt conflicted about. Telling you right now, there was ALOT of codependency on my part(despite good intentions). It's defined as being when you occupy yourself with someone else's needs/problems at the expense of your own with a sense of martyrdom. I'm sorry to say that this is a pretty apt description of that past event, which was a clusterfuck that occured back in high school. Snack and drink recommended while reading. Before anything else, I want to say that I realize I didn't handle this perfectly. Having Asperger's of not, I'm not a perfect person and have my flaws like everyone else. Plus I was a teenager who didn't know shit about life as well who has also had to deal with a dysfunctional family situation. Not that that excuses anything. So let's start this Star Wars style: A long time ago in a high school far far away... This was back towards I believe March of 2016. I was 15 and in 10th grade. There was a girl(no I didn't like her romantically) who I had geometry and english with. We started talking in English, since we both liked to contribute to group discussions and had some common interests. Thoguh towards the end of 10th grade and the start of summer, she didn't really talk to me much, and she even seemed a bit depressed at times. I talked to our English teacher about it since she's one of those teachers people like to go to for advice. She talked to my friend and then told me that my friend was upset over some bad things she has been experiencing at school. So before I get onto this next part, let me just say that I regret this and had no bad intentions but I know full well I didn't handle this part well. So as I mentioned in the past I have Asperger's Syndrome which means I may do some things which are socially inappropriate not out of intent but I don't quite grasp social norms, but none of that is an excuse. So in the last week of school I gave her my phone# and email so she could contact me. But i didn't hear from her for the first few days of summer, so I got a little paranoid, assuming she must have forgot them or something. I ended up finding her dad's # off the internet and texted him asking her to contact me(yes,he was a bit weirded out), emailing our geometry teacher asking her to pass on my contact info to her. I know that was too much and while I wasn't trying to be a stalker that sure wasn't a good way to go about it. She did email me telling me that that was alot and was abit pissed. I apologized and offered to leave her alone but she said we could move past that. This was during the summer and things were fine for a bit, until August... I got an email from her with her phone number(we had just been emailing) and she asked if I could do something for her. I texted her and this is basically what she told me she was planning: -She was going to go from where she lives now, she moved during the summer to another by the train/bus alone, by herself. Her parents don't know and neither does anyone else aside from me, her therapist, and maybe a small other amount of people I'm not sure. But her parents she definitely didn't want aware. -She's going there to meet some person she specified as a male. This isn't someone she has romantic intentions with, because I asked her if this was a boyfriend or an ex and she said no. She also said this wasn't anything illegal. -What she had wanted me to do was to be a backup contact in case something happened to her. I had agreed at first. I asked her if she could text me periodically so i know she's alright, but she then said that she doesn't want to make this guy ''more suspicious''. She also said she isn't 100% sure if this was a good idea. -This was on a Saturday, the next day on Sunday she texted me saying she doesn't want me in her plan anymore because this seemed too much for me and that it was her business and not to tell anyone else. Now this was where I began to feel this was actually a bad idea. My friend is a young, small-framed petite, 16 year old who's traveling from one city to another to meet some guy who seems not really safe, and she's doing this alone without her own parents knowledge. Knowing that this could result in the typical missing girl scenario you see on the news all the time, I decide to tell someone. I emailed our old English teacher telling her I urgently needed to talk to her at lunch. The reason for telling my English teacher instead of my mom was because my mom isn't one of those parents that i real strict with me and knows everything I'm doing and i felt she would overreact. Frankly I don't tell either of my parents things like this because with all the bullshit between them I don't look to them for much.I knew I had to tell someone, and my teacher like I said gives decent advice and considering how my friend had talked to her she could shed some light on this. I showed her the texts and explained to her , and while she couldn't tell me what my friend had talked about with her, she did say that this was related to what my friend told her and that she might have an idea of where she was going. She ended up asking a school counselor and all she could end up doing was filing a report to CPS(she had to do it before after my friend had talked to her. She said my friend isn't experiencing physical or sexual abuse, but something is going on. Her parents aren't causing it but they re not preventing it either. My teacher said it was hard to explain what it was especially since my friend didn't even give her much detail. I hadn't heard from my friend two days since that sunday, and i had called, left voicemails, emailed, and texted saying i was really worried(looking back it was kinda excessive). She finally got back at me on the Wednesday of that week, with a voicemail saying that she doesn't need my help, she's ''fine'' and to talk about something else. We later argued over texts and here's what she told me since she lives in her new city (it's a higher risk area) she's always at risk anyway and she has her phone, charger, pepper spray, an app that alerts whether or not she made it to her location. She also has a nail polish that changes color if a drink has been tampered with, and that her that city wasn't as bad as her new one. She can take care of herself. I then told her how i had showed our old teacher our texts and she texted back asking why I did that and tried to call me but I panicked and turned off my phone. She left a voice mail saying that if I was really being ''noble and considerate'' that I would have looked at things from her perspective and not told someone when she asked me not to. So then after I gave us a few days to cool off, we talked on the phone and she said that she does have common sense and that between what i did during summer, I do too much and told me her parents are strict and don't let her go anywhere by herself and they don't know because they would try to stop her. I told her I don't want her to think I'm a bad person and she says we'll get better and that was that. She also mentioned that her parents being strict their judgement can't always be trusted. About two hours later, I texted her with some things I forgot to say and that while I did have questions, she could answer them when she felt ready. I also mentioned that I myself get frustrated with parents thinking they know everything(which I do). Big f*** mistake. She sent me a series of texts saying not to talk about this anymore and stop trying to relate to her because I don't get it. She even straight up ADMITS that she never said the guy WASN'T dangerous, but to just stop and stay out of it. Now at this point, I hope you can see where my concerns were. I still think I fucked up in the majority of this whole thing,but I'm simply explaining what I thought at the time. All those things that my friend has to prevent something bad from happening are not foolproof. If this person she's trying to meet or someone else is committed to taking her money, phone, her viriginity or at worst her life they can and will get around those things. Pepper spray doesn't do squat against someone who's drunk, on PCP, or has really high adrenaline. Even if the police department is close to where she's going, who's gonna call them if something happens to her? At least that's what I was thinking at the time. After that, I sent an email which was honestly pretty cringey looking back. The TL;DR of it was that I basically pointed out every nuance of why I thought this was a bad idea and even threw in some self righteous stuff about being a friend or yesman. Again, I didn't have bad intentions but that doesn't mean what I went about things perfectly She responded saying how it was rude, unnecessary how I was hell bent on being a savior of some sort(she wasn't really wrong) and basically a repeat of what she said about how she would have to go on her own anyway and there's always risk. but added at the end I should stop for my own sake before she ''did or said something rude or mean.'' Maybe I should have listened. So after that I did drop the whole thing for a bit and we did some small talk emails, but then I sent an email saying I wasn't implying all those things about her and how I felt this whole thing had strained our friendship. I didn't hear from her for almost two months and I did end up informing her dad of what she was planning. But let me just say I eventually found I knew I might've royally fucked up. BADLY. Because during these two months I had tried to call and message her several times(which probably wasn't a good idea) and then I sent an email on a different account and she eventually replied. Long story short, she said she didn't care about my feelings or my ''duty'' to do what's right and that we were never friends, and that she was trying to get us to be friends because her dad was worried I would kill myself(she had told me back then that wasn't the case when I asked), and basically went off on me for continuing to get involved, calling me a ''crazy'' and a ''stalker'' She let a couple things slip about her dad calling her ''crazy like her mom'' and ''stupid'' and she didn't care what he had to say, but told me to stay out of it or she would get the police involved. I then said sorry and asked if we could move past this, but she said no and to never contact her again in any way or risk police intervention. She stated she was blocking me on everything, also said how we were never friends because friends don't start things off like I did in the beginning and not to contact her father again and I had become more stalkerish, and she didn't want to hear from me again. This was about 3 years ago as of this month. I've respected her wishes and have not contacted her at all since. And so after reading this, I hope you can understand why I was hesitant to share this. Yes I know I fucked up in more than one way. Yes I know Asperger's, my family life and being a dumb teenager who knows jack-shit about real life isn't an excuse. I wholeheartedly regret this and would do it over, but am still confused on the part regarding me telling about her potentially meeting a pedophile or something. I definitely shouldn't have accessed her dad's number in anyway, and this is something I don't want to happen again. Sorry for the novel, but felt like getting this off my chest. Feel free to share your thoughts and input, as well as if you've ever had similar experiences.
  4. I got to green belt but left when I was 15. I recently took up Hapkido(similar art but more focus on locks and throws) and also do Muay Thai, Judo, and Balintawak Arnis.
  5. Thanks. I may share it later if you are interested. Also nice to see you like martial arts like me too:)
  6. This was back when I was Christian, so I still saw God as judge, jury and executioner.
  7. About 3 years ago, when I was still in high school, I made a big mistake. Note it was nothing violent or sexual in nature at all, but it's something that I would do completely different if I was given the chance. As a Christian when things like this happens, you can fall back on the whole ''God forgives'' bit. But as an apostate even though I'm a ''Buddeist''(Buddhist Deist) I realize that consequences are alot more severe than just ''giving it up to God.'' My high school fuck up involved me trying to be friends with someone, starting it off wrong and inappropriately, but then things potentially turning into a Lifetime movie. It happened 3 years but I'm still conflicted about. How does one deal with these feelings and such without ''God''?
  8. Your very welcome. I'm glad I can at least use my experience to help others so they don't have to go through the same. How old is your son, if he is still middle/high school aged I implore you to have him be careful of the friends he has as well.
  9. ...not just because of the hypocrisy with all the hype about Christian values, but also because of how damaging it is in general. Most of us on this forum can attest to that, to varying degrees. I would say for me personally, I by no means had the worst DF experience(I had food, clothes, a decent roof over my head) but it sure as hell was far from a healthy environment, ESPECIALLY during my middle and high school years. So let me give you a gist of my parents. My mom is early 50s, my dad being ~10 years her senior. Recently, my mom told me that around 6-9 months after they met, they married. Now while I'm not one with an abundance of life experience at 18, I feel that is far too soon for a relationship as it seems like rushing into things which would explain the problems they had. My mom is a registered nurse, which means she went to college and then medical school and even some more on top of that. My father on the other end is the opposite. He was a star ball player in high school but had the cliche of dropping out of college due to hurting himself. This means a significant gap in income and education which really played into lots of their arguments. Now first thing is that we moved alot. While many people may do this for many reasons(military, job, etc) ours had to do with the aforementioned gap in income. Now to me, it seems it's ideal to have a partner who has a comparable education/income to yours (i.e. accountant and teacher, etc) because when it comes to raising a family and/or buying a house there would be more equal contribution and priorities. However, that obviously wasn't the case with my parents. Instead we moved various times throughout my life. It was one thing when I was a baby toddler but we could never hold down a solid home where me and my sister could grow up in. This had partly to do with my maternal grandmother selling all her mom's property tat we had here in California, but also the main thing was my mom not being able to handle the high mortgage/rent prices typical of my home state. But that's unfortunately the least of it. My parents constantly bickered and argued. They seperated before but got back together when I was 7. Age 7 to 11 wasn't to bad, or at least was ''calmer'' than the other times I would cry in my closet at age 5-6 when they would fight. But things really hit there peak when we moved back to the bay after living away from there: -My dad ordered porn on cable with my mom's name on the bill. I saw it because when I would watch TV On Demand I saw it under the Current Rentals list. I even found his secret stash when I was 9-10, TWICE. 1t time was a dvd cover with GRAPHIC content, the 2nd was an almost as graphic DVD disc. -My mom and dad would be pushing and shoving on each other during arguments, even leaving some cracks in the wall due in the process. -My dad was REALLY shitty to me druing middle school(when he was around). Smacking me around a few times and even telling verbally disowning me on several occasions, as well as forcing me to play on my middle school's basketball team for a bit, threatening me if I didn't. He even made indirect(maybe direct) jabs at me having autism, since when I once told him to get out of our lives, he said I had no life since I often walked around by myself since something was wrong with me. He even said ''no girl would want you'' and during one confrontation, he grabbed my wrist hard. I tried to break out using a move I learned in my Taekwondo class, but he was so much stronger than me(and he's always been bulky) and he laughed saying he never liked me because I was weak. Eventually court ordered counseling for me and especially my sister and so on. Plus there was the time where after a fight with my mom, I pointed a soap filled water gun at him to spray him in the eyes but chickened out. Me and my mom got out of the car to leave, but then he walked to the passenger door, opened it, and grabbed my jacket so hard he broke the zipper. I bailed and ran all the way to the other side of our neighborhood, my mom calling my name. She picked me up from the other side but my dad followed us on the freeway for awhile. The next day, me and my sister stayed out of school and were hidden out at my old babysitter's house. Once when having a really bad argument, my father commented on my mother's weight(she's borderline obese) saying: >''I would never fuck you! You smell like shit, you don't wipe your ass! I told somebody once that when you shit you can't wipe yourself so you spray your ass with a waterbottle! Yes this is the shit I was used to hearing at 12-14 years old. Let's not forget how to spite my mother, he pushed me into a chair(and shoved me when I got up) and told me how my maternal grandpa who has Alzheimer's molested my mother as a little girl. Even if this is true(it may or not be, as my mom didn't deny it when I told her of the incident) who the hell tells that to their early teenage son? Don't even get me started family trips. The simplest shit like directions escalated to another full blown fight between them. When I was turning 5 and we went to Disneyland for my birthday, we apparently almost got kicked out of the hotel because they were arguing so loud and the other guests complained. Once when going to this safari like theme park, they began their loud bickering to the point of almost just going home. I tried to intervene to tell them to stop but my father then angrily told me to ''shut the fuck up.'' I don't know why my mom stayed with my dad as long as she did. Especially since she claims he shoved my mother while she was pregnant with my sister apparently, and even my mom would scratch/hit him sometimes during fights. When I was 15(on my sister's birthday no less), it was alot closer to your typical abuse situation where he had been drinking, they started arguing and he got aggresive, shoving my mother and grasping her face and throat. My mom ended up crying so bad she had to pull over when driving to my sister's birthday gig at the ice cream parlor miles away(yes we still celebrated even with that little incident. In her own words at the times she was torn on getting my dad to leave since my sister was starting to have her suicidal thoughts which seemed linked to our dysfunctional family. We first noticed our sister cutting at 12 and throughout the years there was resentment towards our mom as my sister saw her as a source of blame for the state of our family. Even after my folks divorced my mom's romance life is still shit. A while back she broke up with her boyfriend who had lived with us for almost two years and they fought WORST than my mom and dad did. It wasn't as often but put it like this: We had to replace a whole door in the guestroom downstairs because during one of their fights they SMASHED that thing to PIECES. We're talking chunks with some blood spatters on the wall. Then there's a spot on the upstairs wall we had to have fixed since he got mad and smashed my mom's phone against it once. Then he took my mom's clothes and threw them in the garage when he was mad with her. I think you get the idea. Plus he already had a little 2 year old girl from a previous relationship with a woman~20 years younger, and thus baby momma drama ensured someone broke into our fucking garage because he had money hidden back in there. Now the garage door had been open(we sometimes do since we actually live in a good neighborhood), but someone had rummaged through the place, mostly through his stuff looking for the hidden cash and we were all sure it had been the mother of his two year old since someone would have to know he had the money. God forbid one of us went out to the garage when they were in there. And now here we are. My dad is less of an asshole now and lives all the way in the Bay Area close to 100 miles from where we live now. He is helping a bit more since I'm in community college and working. As for my mom, she started dating another dude VERY soon after her break up with her ex, with him soon starting to spend the night and now she spends 2-3 days at his place a week. She says its because of her long work commute, we have a great aunt who lives near her commute route she would sometimes spend the night with so she wouldn't have to make that long drive. Heck, even a lady we rented a room out to awhile took notice of how much she started leaving us. Luckily I'm 18 and can take my sister places. I really feel like we picked up alot of our bad habits from our parents. Sibling rivalry is normal, but growing up in a dysfunctional environment meant we were shown the best ways to handle our disagreements. Plus all this does not help with my lack of friends, having Asperger's and feeling lonely and lost during my childhood and adolescence. I developed slower than my peers regret how cringe I was socially,plus years later finding out the truth of what my former ''best friend'' did. And it's hard to see other people have stable families and who's parents are true role models. I didn't have that, and it especially hurts how my years age 11-14 when I was transitioning from a kid to a teen my dad not only was any role model he did the complete opposite. Those experiences leave me with a sense of apathy towards my parents, self doubt and loathing, and yearning to have a family I wish I grew up in. Butt now that I'm an open apostate, my mom still pushes for me to go to church, talking about not seeing me after this life and I was happier when Christian. True during middle school/early high school I was involved in quite a few church activities and such, because it was an escape from all the family bullshit. But despite all the Jesus talk, my parents could never be ''equally yoked'' or ''raise us upright''. And unfortunately being use to not having a solid family isn't uncommon among black here in America, so I may as well be part of another statistic. So to my fellow apostates who are considering having a family, please for the sake of you, your partner/spouse and kids don't repeat my parents mistakes. And if you are an apostate who is a good parent, I salute you and am greatful that there are kids who don't have to go through what I had to. TL;DR I witnessed and experienced firsthand the hypocrisy and damage of a ''God fearing'' family that maintains it's skeletons in the closet.
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